Families have arguments. Couples have arguments. In those moments of argument, we can engage in “Argument Intensifiers” or “Argument Busters.” Argument Intensifiers, as the name implies, will increase the incidence and intensity of our arguments. Let me share two Argument Intensifiers to avoid.

• Defensiveness. Defensiveness will perpetuate and intensify any argument. If you respond with defensiveness, your partner will feel unheard or misunderstood. They will try all the harder to make you understand. They will become more adamant, insistent, and even louder in an effort to be understood. The argument will only increase as you remain defensive and your partner strives to feel heard.
• Repeating the same unproductive pattern each time you fight. You’ve heard the saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.” Yet we escalate our arguments by using the same unproductive patterns each time an argument arises—patterns like avoidance, criticism, name-calling, and “throwing everything in but the kitchen sink.”

Of course, we can learn to catch the Argument Intensifiers and replace them with Argument Busters like:

• Listen more, talk less. Instead of trying to “make your partner understand,” make a sincere effort to understand your partner. Listen with genuine curiosity. Assume they have a valid perspective and an important insight to share. Seek to understand their intent and the deeper meaning of what they are saying. When your partner feels understood, emotions will cool and you can more effectively work toward resolution.
• Do something different. Change the patterns. Rather than “avoid the issue,” calmly listen and discuss the other person’s concerns. Instead of criticizing or name-calling, recall what you love about the other person. Keep the argument specific to the issue at hand rather than “throwing in everything but the kitchen sink.” In other words, remain focused on the issue at hand and approach the issue and your partner with love. Do something different to break unproductive patterns. For instance, you might hold hands while you talk or go for a walk while you talk. Discuss the topic at a local ice cream shop over ice cream—you’re less likely to escalate while eating ice cream in public. Determine to listen and understand rather than talk to be understood. Do something different.
• Take responsibility for your contribution to the argument. In most instances, both parties play a role in the argument or the events leading up to the argument. Take responsibility for any of your actions or words that may have contributed to the argument. Even if you only hold “10% of the fault,” apologize for your part. Then, create a history in which your actions and behaviors reveal your desire to change and grow.
• Take responsibility for your actions during the argument as well. We can have many emotions, but we can’t blame them on the other person. We are responsible for managing our own emotions. We may behave in any number of ways, but no one is to blame for our behavior but ourselves. We are responsible for managing our own behaviors. Take responsibility.

When you avoid the Argument Intensifiers and amplify the Argument Busters, you might just find yourself in fewer arguments…and that leaves time for the joy of growing more deeply in love.