Archive for July 31, 2021

Death by Marriage

Don’t get me wrong. I love marriage. I am an advocate for marriage. A happy, healthy marriage is a little taste of heaven. Studies even suggest that people sharing a happy, healthy marriage live longer, have fewer strokes, and survive major operations more often, and more ( 10 Science-Based Benefits of Marriage for Your Health – Healthy Hints). But those are the consequences of a healthy marriage. An unhealthy marriage, one in which partners are “dissatisfied,” can kill you, especially if you’re a male.

A study published in 2021 followed 8,945 men for 32 years while assessing their medical data, lifestyle choices, and marital satisfaction. After 32 years, 5,736 of the men had died. Men who were dissatisfied with their marriage were 19% more likely to die than those who reported being satisfied with their marriage. This increased risk of death was similar to the increased risk of death for smokers compared to non-smokers or for physically inactive people compared to active. More specifically, fatal strokes were 69% more common among those who reported an
unsuccessful (AKA—dissatisfying) marriage compared to those reporting having a very satisfying marriage. In other words, an unhealthy marriage is a health risk factor.

Rather than risk death by marriage, commit to improving your marriage and act on that commitment.

  • Read a good book on marriage with your spouse. More than simply reading it, put the ideas and principles discussed in the book into action. A great book to start might be John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (read a review here).
  • Find a good marital therapist. Many couples wait until they are at their whit’s end to find a marital therapist. By that time, they harbor resentment, and one person has often already decided to leave.  Find a marital therapist before it gets to that point.  Start working to improve your marriage when you find yourselves feeling just a little disconnected and don’t know how to fix it.
  • Attend a marriage education seminar or workshop every year. Take the ideas and principles you learn in the workshop and apply them for the rest of the year. Make them the habits of your successful marriage.

These ideas are ways for you to learn about one another and strengthen your marriage. Each one can teach you to turn toward one another and work as a team. They can help you rediscover and express what you admire in your spouse. And they can help you learn the importance of daily habits to keep your marriage strong. That may not fix everything immediately. You may still argue and have bad days. But you will find your marriage on an upward path of growing health, happiness, and life…rather than stumbling down the path of death by marriage.

Take This 4-Week Challenge with Your Teen

A study published in September, 2020, reported the results of a simple classroom activity that increased the life satisfaction of ninth- and tenth-grade students. In fact, it did even more than that. This study involved over 1,000 ninth-and tenth-grade students in a 4-week project. One group of students spent 10 minutes a week writing gratitude letters to parents, teachers, coaches, or friends. Another group of students worked on becoming more organized by listing their daily activities, reflecting on the benefits of those activities, and considering any obstacles they might encounter.

The group that wrote gratitude letters reported greater life satisfaction and increased motivation to improve themselves than the group that work on organization. They also reported increased feelings of connection and positive mood (elevation). Even better, the students maintained these positive changes for the whole semester.

Why not make this activity a 4-week challenge for your family—a challenge to enhance life satisfaction? Gather some paper, pens, envelopes, and stamps. Then, sit down with your children and your teens for 10 minutes every week to write gratitude letters. (Writing them by hand adds a special benefit you can read about in This Will Make Your Children Smarter.) Parents can participate in this challenge by writing gratitude letters too. Parent and teen writing gratitude letters to whoever you want—parents, siblings, teachers, friends, coaches, mentors…whoever you want. It’s only 10 minutes a week, but just think about what those 10 minutes will reap for you and your family—greater life satisfaction as well as a greater feeling of connection, a more positive mood, and a greater motivation for self-improvement. That sounds like an amazing benefit for 10 minutes of time every week.

Look Into My Eyes, See My Soul

Some say, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” Researchers at the University of Geneva took that saying to heart when considering the impact of making eye contact with another person. They found that when a person makes direct eye contact with another person, they perceive time as shorter than it objectively is. As a result, we may stare longer than we realized. They believe this occurs because meeting someone else’s gaze impacts our attentional system. We are drawn to another person’s gaze. We attend to their gaze and lose track of time. In other words, we hold the eye contact longer than we imagine. 

Although people lose track of how long they have held eye contact, most people find it difficult to maintain eye contact for an extended period of time…and by extended period of time I mean a mere 1-2 minutes. However, when we do look into one another person’s eyes for a period of time, we experience a new level of emotional intimacy. Just check out this 4-minute video to see what happens when people maintain eye contact for 4 minutes.  

So, here’s the challenge. Take 3-4 minutes right now and lose track of time with your spouse. Look into her spouse’s eyes. Make eye contact and hold it. You might be surprised at the feeling of vulnerability you experience but you will also enjoy the intimacy it creates. So gaze into your spouse’s eyes. Get lost in their gaze. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable and grow more intimate…Because when you look into one another’s eyes, you share a vision of your soul.

Don’t Let Defensiveness Ruin Your Marriage, Take The Antidote Instead

I don’t know about you, but I often find myself making defensive maneuvers when my wife and I get into an argument. I hate being wrong. I want her to understand. So, I start defensive maneuvers. Maybe you recognize some of these:

  • “Well, I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t….”
  • “But you need to understand….”
  • “Yeah, well you did the same thing last week….”
  • “You misunderstand what I’m saying… You always misunderstand me.”
  • “You always think the worst about me….”

The list goes on, but they all have one thing in common. While defending me, they put the blame squarely on my wife.

As you can imagine, defensiveness does not help end the argument. Nor does it resolve the problem or restore the relationship. In fact, defensiveness generally makes everything worse. It escalates the argument. It compounds the frustration. It increases feelings of anger. And it pushes the possibility of resolution further into the distant future.

John Gottman calls defensiveness one of the four horseman. I think that is a good category for it. It is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” striving to conquer the opponent (your spouse in this case) while escalating the emotional war, intensifying relational famine, and hastening a marital death. Not a great strategy for a healthy marriage.

But I have good news. There is an antidote. Accept responsibility. I know, like so many other medicines, the antidote goes down hard. Nobody likes to admit their contribution to a marital problem. But, if you want to move past the problem and restore the joyful experience of an intimate relationship, you have to bite the bullet and accept responsibility for your part in the current situation. Because it is difficult to do, let me offer a couple tips.

  1. Remember the K.I.S.S. principle—Keep It Short and Simple. During an argument, our spouses will not hear a long explanation. Also, the longer we talk the more likely we slip into the familiar defensive maneuvers. So, keep it short and simple, clear and concise. “I was wrong.” “I’m sorry.” “I forgot.” The exact wording will depend on the situation; but you can always keep it short and simple.
  2. Sit in the vulnerability of responsibility. Accepting responsibility (even partial responsibility) for a problem situation or an argument leaves us vulnerable. It is an admission of at least partial fault that places us at the mercy of your spouse and their response. So, when you keep it short and simple, do not add a complaint. Just remain vulnerable. Don’t add a “but” that precedes an excuse. Just sit in the vulnerability of responsibility. Simply state an acceptance of responsibility and a willingness to accept the consequences.
  3. Don’t minimize your admission of responsibility with statements like: “So I made a mistake. I’m only human” or “Ok. One time I did that….” Simply accept responsibility and sit with the admission of responsibility. Don’t minimize.

Like most medicine, this antidote tastes terrible going down. But it has a wonderful effect. When we accept responsibility without excuse or complaint and without minimizing our mistake, we elicit empathy. We also communicate our vulnerability and elicit compassion. Moreover, we open the door for greater intimacy. Once your spouse sees you sitting with the vulnerability of admitting responsibility, they are more likely to accept responsibility for their contribution as well. Suddenly, the argument has taken a turn. You can now talk and work toward a healthy solution you can both be happy about.  

Give it a try. You will be pleasantly surprised with the beneficial results of accepting responsibility instead of getting defensive. I mean, who doesn’t want empathy, compassion, and greater intimacy?

Happiness Is Not “IF” Families Use Social Media, But “HOW”

Not long ago we published a short blog on how to avoid “Media Induced Jealousy.” At least one study suggests that nearly 60% of people suffer from jealousy induced by social media posts More recently, I discovered and read the review of a study suggesting that how people use social media impacts their well-being. Since this study provided some excellent insights that can help us build strong, healthy families, I wanted to share it with you.

This study looked at how people use Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Specifically, researchers asked participants about four specific ways of using the social media platforms: passively checking one’s news feed, messaging others, catching up on world news, and posting status updates. It then explored ways in which “how people used social media” impacted their well-being.

The most frequently used function was passively scrolling through and checking one’s newsfeed. This provided no direct contact with other users (people). But it did provide abundant opportunities for the person to compare themselves with their friends’ selective portrayal of themselves on the social media platform. This comparison contributed to people underestimating how much their friends actually experience negative emotions and negative life events. After all, we are comparing our known life in all its fullness to their selective portrayal of joyous adventures. With that comparison, we easily conclude that our life is lacking, boring, not good enough. Using social media platforms in this way consistently led to a negative sense of well- being.

In addition, the more time people spent on social media platforms, the more negative feelings
they reported.

There is good news though, good news our families can use. Here it is: you CAN use social media in a positive way that promotes happiness… and that is what we need to practice and teach our families to practice. How can we do it?

  1. Avoid passively scrolling through social media. Instead, use the platform mindfully to keep up with family and friends.
  2. Avoid making comparisons between the life events selectively portrayed on social media and the life you live and know more fully. One way to help avoid making comparisons is to spend actual time, either in-person or through the phone, with those you follow on social media. This will provide you a more wholistic perspective of your friend, one that balances the selective joyful side of social media portrayals with the realistic day-to-day ups and downs of their real life.
  3. Use social media to enable direct interactions and social connections. For instance, you can talk on-line through face time, zoom, or even by using an old-fashioned phone call. You can also use social media platforms to schedule opportunities to meet in person. Or you might use a private Facebook profile to plan a reunion or “get together.” You get the idea. Use social media to enable direct, face-to-face or voice-to-voice social contacts.
  4. Cut back on your use of social media…and enjoy those activities and contacts you made following step #3 (above). After all, the top 10 ways to promote happiness all fall into outdoor activities, artistic activities, or social activities.

All in all, it is not “if” your family uses social media, but “how” they use it that will impact their well-being. Use it wisely and the whole family can benefit from the relationships nurtured.

Why Wait?

I had the opportunity to visit my extended family recently. It is always a joy to spend time with them. Because we live 500 miles away, we don’t get to visit as often as we’d like. Nonetheless, my wife and I recently had the opportunity to take my parents “on the journey” to visit our family.

This visit held special meaning as one of my aunts and an uncle passed away since our last visit and, due to the pandemic, we had missed the family gatherings celebrating their lives. So, as you can imaging, pictures and stories occupied much of our time during this visit. We recalled fun times and hard times, joys and struggles. Stories I had never heard confirmed what we already knew… and added a few surprises. We laughed together. On occasion, I saw eyes well up with tears. But, we all learned of a family heritage filled with love, resilience, and joy. Our grandparents’
dream of a family that honored and celebrated one another was affirmed.

As the visit progressed, I realized how much we share stories every time we get together. I remembered the joy of recalling our common history and celebrating the places where our histories diverged. I recognized how much each person has to offer one another because of those places where are stories varied while our common story held us together. And, I realized how important those stories are to our family identity as well as our individual identities.

With all this in mind, I have to ask: Do you take time to share your family stories? It’s a good practice to do so. Don’t wait for someone to pass away. Share your stories now. Our family stories build our family identity. They provide us with hope in times of struggle. They lay a foundation for honor and love while reaching forward to a future built on joy and community. Why wait to share your stories? Start sharing those stories today. Your family will reap the benefits for a lifetime.

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Remember the commercials that encouraged us to “reach out and touch someone” with a phone call? Their motto bounced around in our heads long before cell phones and texting. Now it’s even easier to “reach out and touch someone,” right? Just send a quick text or message them on Facebook. So much easier… or is it? Is texting enough to “reach out and touch someone”? Is it enough to keep a relationship strong and healthy? A study published in 2020 sought to answer that question.

In this study, participants predicted how awkward or enjoyable it would be to contact a friend with whom they had not interacted for two years. They also predicted how close they would feel after the contact. They made these predictions for both phone contact and email contact. Then they were randomly assigned to contact their friend by phone or email.

Most participants thought phone contact would make them more uncomfortable than email contact. However, this did not prove true. Those who made phone contact felt no more discomfort than those who made email contact, even if they had said they preferred to email. On the other hand, those who called were happier with the interaction and felt closer to the person they called than those who simply emailed.

In a second part of this study (following the same procedures as the first part), participants were randomly assigned to a voice chat, a video chat, or a text chat. Similarly, the voice chat and video chat resulted in feeling significantly closer to the other person than those who engaged in a text chat. Video chat and voice chat, on the other hand, revealed similar outcomes in satisfaction and sense of closeness. These results suggest that our voices are particularly powerful for increasing intimacy.

When I think about that, it makes sense. From the time we were babies, and even in utero, we have responded to and discriminated between voices. When we are stressed or upset, the voice of loved one, a spouse, or a parent can calm and soothe us. And how many of us would love to hear the voice of a loved one “just one more time” after they pass away?

What does this have to do with family? If you want to increase intimacy with your family, text a little less and call a little more. If you want to maintain closeness with your spouse and children even when you disagree, give them a call because it promotes greater understanding when we hear one another’s voice than when we read their text. In fact, hearing the voice of a family member may be the the medicine to cure what ails you. So, increase the intimacy in your family. Close the texting or messaging app. Dial the number and reach out to touch your family with a phone call or video chat. You’ll both be glad you did.

Try Saying This Instead of That

Sometimes I like a simple cheat sheet. It gives me great ideas and primes my mind to come up with some more ideas. With that in mind, here is a cheat sheet for parenting phrases we can use instead of the one that immediately comes to mind when our children do something…eh…crazy. So…

Instead of saying: “What were you thinking?”

Say: “Let me help you with this. I think we can find a better way together.”

Instead of saying: “Stop talking to me like that! You’re embarrassing everyone.”

Say: “Let’s go to a more private place to talk about this.”

Instead of saying: “That’s a good boy.”

Say: “Thank you for being so thoughtful.”

Instead of saying: “I can’t believe you did that. Don’t be stupid.”

Say: “Let’s talk about how you came up with that idea and what happened. Then we can think about another way to respond.”

Instead of saying: “How many times do I have to tell you?”

Say: “We’ve talked about this. What did I tell you before?”

Instead of saying: “Do it again and you’ll lose your Xbox.”

Say: “I see you’re really tempted to do that. Let’s go get a drink and talk about what you need to resist that temptation.”

Instead of saying: “Don’t yell at me!”

Say: “I see this is really important to you and I want to hear what you have to say. Can we talk about it nicely or should we take a break to calm down first?”

What are some other helpful phrases you use that are helpful?

Using Repetition to Help Your Child

Remember those movies your children wanted to watch over and over again? They watched them so many times that they quoted the lines as they watched the show…and kept quoting them after the show ended…and when asking to watch the show again. If you were like me, the movie became boring. But our children never seem to tire of watching the same thing over again. They watched it each time with the same zeal as the last time.

In fact, children love repetition. It provides them with a sense of predictability that anchors them in the safety of something they know in the midst of a complex world they are navigating for the first time. When parents establish rituals that assure predictability in a child’s world, their children flourish. Children experience an increased sense of security within the repetitive pattern of a ritual. They grow more confident within the safety of daily (AKA: repetitive) rituals. They also gain mastery over their environment and develop a greater sense of agency as a result. Even better, rituals are simple, everyday practices you can establish. (Read Add Meaning to Life by Building Routines for more.) For instance, here are a few rituals you can easily establish with your children.

  • Give your children a hug every night at bedtime.
  • Read to your child at bedtime.
  • Eat breakfast at the same every Saturday morning with your child.
  • Send your child a text every morning.
  • Schedule a regular outing with your child every week. (This is the best advice for dads…ever!)

These simple habits become repetitive rituals that reap huge dividends, like a stronger relationship with your child, a growing sense of agency and confidence in your child, and a greater tendency for your child to listen to you.

You can also establish rituals that build their sense of ability and family involvement. For instance, children love to work with their parent. Let them do so.

  • When you “work” to get dinner on the table, let them be involved. They can put the silverware on the table, cut the vegetables, or put ice in the glasses.
  • When you “work” to do the laundry, let them help throw clothes into the washer or dryer. Let them fold the socks.
  • As you clean the house, let them dust the end table or empty the dustpan into the
    trash.
  • See What is Scaffolding in Montessori and How We Can Apply It At Home for more ideas.

As your child matures, their tasks may become more complex. Still, they will be “working” with you. That’s the ritual: working side by side with mom and dad to complete meaningful tasks around our home.

The repetition of ritual is a beautiful thing for you and your child. They will help your family “run smoothly.” They will allow you to know one another better. They will build a stronger, more loving family. Get started today.