Tag Archive for parent child relationship

Leaving the Home of Helicopter Parents

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“Helicopter parenting” is characterized by over-involvement, over-protection, and over-control. It contributes to negative results for children, but does that negative impact linger after they leave home for college? One group of researchers decided to find out. They collected demographic data from 505 college students as well as information about the parenting they received growing up and the level of interpersonal conflict they experience in college. In a second round of surveys, they measured the students’ sense of entitlement and their fear of missing out.

The results of this study indicate that students who were raised under “helicopter parents” had more interpersonal conflict with peers. This seemed to stem from an increased sense of entitlement and fear of missing out, which also increased under the tutelage of “helicopter parents.” In other words, “helicopter parenting” contributed to a child feeling entitled. It also contributes to them developing an overestimation of their abilities, an excessive focus on self, and a potential lack of autonomy. Those qualities contribute to greater interpersonal conflict even after they left the nest of the “helicopter parents.” 

So, what can a parent do to avoid the impact of being a “helicopter parent”? Balance the job of parenting to avoid becoming over-protective and over-involved. Strive for balance in your parenting style. For instance,

  • Strive for a balance between involvement with your child and encouraging autonomy in your child. It can prove difficult to “let go,” but the benefits of letting our children and teens practice age-appropriate autonomy are tremendous and lifelong. Provide your children the opportunities to behave in autonomous ways.  
  • Strive for a balance between assisting your child (i.e., making sure they get all their school projects done and are prepared for tests, choosing their clothing or activities) and letting them experience the consequences of their choices. Children learn from the lived consequences of their choices and behaviors. Trust them to manage and learn from those consequences.
  • Strive for a balance between jumping in to save your child from struggling relationships and letting them resolve their own conflicts. Step back and trust your child. Ask if they want help and help if they ask. Let them know you’re “in their corner,” but you trust them to be “in the ring” managing the interactions. They will learn so much when you stay “in their corner” and out of the ring, trusting them to manage their relationships. You might even be surprised at how effectively they do so.
  • Strive for a balance between praising your child for their achievements and acknowledging their effort and choices. Our children learn best when we acknowledge their efforts. This helps them develop a growth mindset which will benefit them throughout their life. Focus on effort, not end product achievement.

There are many other areas in which a parent strives for balance. In fact, parenting often feels like one big balancing act. But the benefits of striving for that balance far outweigh the consequences of over-involvement and over-protection in our children’s lives.

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Be a Bigger, Stronger Parent

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I overheard two children talking on the playground. One said, “My dad’s bigger than your dad.” The other replied, “Well my dad is stronger….” They were obviously at the age of admiring and adoring their fathers. In their early, concrete thinking stage of development they truly thought of their dads as the “strongest” or “biggest.” It struck me, though, that their conversation reminded me of a phrase from the *Circle of Security. The Circle of Security notes that our children need us, as parents, to be “Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind.” And, I believe, they still need us to be a “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind” parent when they become teens. 

Our children and teens need us to be “bigger,” not in size but in our level of maturity. They need us to be the “bigger person,” big enough to not get dragged into the drama of childhood tantrums, teen arguments, and temporary moods. They need us to be big enough to avoid “taking the bait” and endlessly engaging in unnecessary battles. Instead of “taking the bait” or getting drawn into the drama, they need us to be big enough to respond maturely from our values and our concern for their well-being, not our fears and our hurt feelings. Which leads me to…

Our children and teens need us to be “stronger,” not necessarily physically stronger but emotionally self-controlled. They need us to be strong enough that we are not overwhelmed by their emotions, not made insecure by their hurtful words, and not fearful of setting healthy boundaries for their safety. They need us to be strong enough to manage our own emotions, so we do not become overwhelmed by their emotions. They need us to provide a presence in which they can gain the strength to manage their emotions from our emotional strength. They need us to be strong enough to provide a safe haven from which they can experience and learn from their emotions. (How Does Your Family Feel About Emotions?)

Our children and teens need us to be “wiser.” They need us to be wise enough to know when something that upsets them is their responsibility and not our responsibility. Wise enough to know when to step back and let them find their own solution, suffer their own consequence, or enjoy their own reward.  Wise enough to know when to encourage and support and wise enough to know when to actually step in to help.  Wise enough to know when to let them go and when to keep them close Wise enough to allow their curiosity to blossom.

And, of course, our children need us to be “kind.” Our children need us to be kind enough to treat them with respect. Kind enough to give them our time and our attention, even if we might be a little frustrated with them. They need us to be kind enough to express our love to them in appropriate ways on a daily basis.

Remember, in relation to your children, it’s important to always be the “bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind” parent. Those qualities provide the scaffolding that will enable their healthy emotional, mental, and relational growth. (*I have not been trained or certified in the Circle of Security philosophy. As a result, I don’t present these thoughts representative of the thoughts of the Circle of Security group. For more information on their philosophy, I encourage you to visit their site. They offer an excellent parenting philosophy.)

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Our Answer to One Question Determines Our Future

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My wife and I were visiting Charleston, North Carolina when we saw this plaque. It reads: “I want people to see children as human beings and not think of the money it costs nor to think of the amount of time it will take, but to think of the lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.” –Septima Clark

Septima Clark did not just make the statement, she walked the talk. She became known as the “Grandmother” of the Civil Rights Movement. She started “Citizenship schools” that taught adult literacy and “citizenship rights.” These schools instilled self-pride, cultural-pride, literacy, and a sense of one’s citizenship rights.

Why do I mention this quote? Because Ms. Clark states truth. Our children thrive when we see them as human beings rather than simply children. We need not think of our children as financial burdens or “little time-suckers.” They are a blessing, a blessing upon which our present and our future rest. They are the ones who will carry our values and priorities into the future. They will redeem our communities and our country.

I remember learning a similar idea in my early college years. I don’t remember the exact quote, but the “gist of the idea” stated that a culture can be redeemed or destroyed in a single generation. The way in which we treat our children, the manner in which we raise them, will have a great determining factor on the course of our future…similar to what Septima Clark implied. Consider:

  • If we treat our children with kindness, they will take kindness into the future. If we treat them harshly, they will take harshness into the future.
  • If we treat our children with respect, they will take respect into the future. If we treat them with disrespect, disrespect will grow more rampant.
  • If we hold our children accountable in an appropriate manner, they will take accountability into the future. If we become overly permissive, they will also become permissive.
  • If we hold our children to age-appropriate expectations for contributing to the family and home, they will continue to see the joy of contributing to a happy home and family. If we become overbearing, harsh, or hold inappropriate expectations of our children, they will carry the same forward…and who wants to live in a community filled with those who are overbearing, harsh, and carry unreasonable expectations.

You get the idea. How we treat our children will determine our future. Let’s begin to think of our children as blessings—lives that can be nurtured to bless others, “lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.”  How will we treat our children? Consider carefully for it’s a question with enormous implications. Our future depends on our answer.

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The Impact on Your Child of How You Feel About Their Other Parent

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It’s true. Mothers and fathers often have different ideas about raising children. They come to the parenting relationship with different styles and even different priorities, all of which can be negotiated through discussions and compromise.  In fact, it’s important to work out those differences because how one parent sees the other parent’s level of cooperation and competence has a huge impact on their child’s behavior and future social relations.  

A study out of The Ohio State University revealed that the way parents viewed their coparent played a crucial role in the behavioral and social adjustment of their children. This study involved 2,915 low-income couples with children under 5-years-old and living in one of seven U.S. states. At the start of the study, parents were asked how they related to one another as parents. In other words, they were asked about their coparenting relationship. Their answers led the research team to separate them into four groups:

  • Group 1: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “highly positive.” This group made up 43% of the total.
  • Group 2: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the mothers were less positive about the father’s parenting. This group made up 32% of the total.
  • Group 3: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the fathers were less positive about the mother’s parenting. This group comprised 16% of the total.
  • Group 4: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as being of “low quality.” Fortunately, this group comprised only 9% of the total.

Eighteen months later, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behavioral adjustment and social competence.  Not surprisingly, the children of parents who both reported having a “highly positive” coparenting relationship (Group 1) showed the best adjustment. They exhibited the fewest behavioral problems and the highest level of social competence.  Group 2 also showed a high level of adjustment—fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence.

The final two groups showed the lowest levels of adjustment. Interesting, a father’s negative perception of the mother’s coparenting (Group 3) had a greater negative impact on children’s behavior and social competence than a mother’s negative perception of a father’s coparenting (Group 2). Of course, when both parents reported a poor coparenting relationship, the children struggled the most with behavioral adjustment and social competence.

With this in mind, if you want your child to have fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence, focus on nurturing a strong coparenting relationship with their other parent.

  • Accept differences. You will have different ideas and styles than your children’s other parent. Most of those differences will be minor. For instance, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble play. Mothers tend to offer more nurturance. Fathers encourage “shaking it off.” Mothers tend to comfort first. In my marriage, I tend to be the one willing to get dessert or a special treat as part of our “get together.” My wife enjoys a more interactive engagement without food. Accept those differences. Allow the other parent the freedom to parent slightly differently than you.
  • Discuss and negotiate aspects you deem most important. You will discover some areas of parental responsibility that you believe essential. Talk with the other parent about those areas of parenting. Explain your reasons and your concerns. Negotiate. Listen. Compromise.
  • Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their other parent. Let both parents enjoy one-on-one time with each child as well as periods of time in which each parent has sole responsibility for all the children. We not only connect through the fun experiences but through the daily chores of parenting—changing diapers, doing household chores together, engaging in activities together, and even running errands together.
  • Never “bad mouth” your child’s other parent. No name-calling, undermining, or demeaning. Encourage your children to respect and honor their other parent through your example as well as your instruction.
  • Keep your child’s other parent up-to-date. Communicate appointments and activities. Share information about physical changes or needs, friends, and community involvement.
  • Disagree in private. You will inevitably have disagreements with the other parent. When you do, wait until you are alone with them before discussing the disagreement. Ask them about their perception, intent, and motive rather than jumping to a negative assumption. After hearing their intent and motives, explain your concerns. Listen. Negotiate. Compromise.
  • Discipline together. Don’t leave the discipline to one parent. Both parents need to assist in discipline. Support one another in discipline. If you disagree, disagree in private. Your children will benefit from seeing you and their other parent working together for their good.
  • Communicate. Listen. Express yourself. Listen. Communicate.

These practices will help you nurture a positive relationship with your children’s other parent. That strong coparenting relationship will help decrease your children’s behavioral problems. It will also increase their social competence. Those two outcomes are well worth nurturing a positive coparenting relationship.

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Your Daughter’s Body Image, Humor, & You

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Humor is a powerful method of communication. In fact, how a woman uses humor can impact her body image. And do you know who contributes to how your daughter learns to use humor? You…her parent. But I get ahead of myself. Let me return to “how a woman uses humor can impact her body image.”

Research completed at the University of Surrey and published in the fall of 2022 surveyed 216 women to analyze their style of humor and their body perception. The styles of humor included coping humor, self-enhancing humor, and self-defeating humor. Coping humor represents a person’s general use of humor to cope with stressful events. Self-enhancing humor represents a person’s ability to see the “absurdities of life, even when alone,” and then use those observations in a humorous way to maintain positive levels of self-esteem. Self-defeating humor, on the other hand, often involves self-denigrating comments about “my” self-perceived weaknesses in an attempt to connect with others. (Can you see where this is going?)

Results indicated:

  • Coping humor was only associated with less body criticism, but not with “body positive” attributes like appreciating one’s body and recognizing the common humanity of various body types (body kindness).
  • Self-enhancing humor, on the other hand, was associated with higher levels of body appreciation and body kindness. It was also associated with less emotional eating than those who used self-defeating humor.
  • Self-defeating humor was associated with higher body criticism, lower engagement in body appreciation, a higher drive for thinness (defined as excessive concern about dieting and weight gain), and increased emotional eating.

What does this mean for our families? We want our daughters to learn the benefits of humor—specifically, coping humor and self-enhancing humor. We want them to experience the benefits of using humor in a healthy way not in a self-defeating way. (“Don’t take my picture, I might break your camera.” “Slow down, my short legs barely reach the ground.”) 

As stated above, our daughters learn their sense of humor from us, their parents. They will model the way we use humor about ourselves. They will repeat how we use humor about them as well. As a result, we need to use wisdom in our humor. Focus on humor that lifts people up (including ourselves) and enhances those around us, especially our daughters. It will help our daughters have a better body image, a greater level of kindness toward themselves and their body, and a higher level of motivation to care for their body in healthy ways.  So, before you crack that joke about eating or clothes or some other pointed topic…think twice. Only use humor in love and kindness.

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Protect Your Teen From Alcohol Abuse

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Children who have a family heritage of alcohol abuse are thought to have a genetic propensity to alcohol abuse. However, recent research suggests a way to limit this risk. This study recruited participants between 2004 and 2019 who were 12- to 22-years-old. The researchers interviewed these youth and assessed their brain functioning two times a year. The interviewers asked about substance abuse, mental health, closeness with mother and father between 12-17 years of age. They also collected information about the youths’ binge drinking, impulsiveness, and their parents’ alcohol/substance abuse. Based on their findings, the researchers record two interesting findings that held true regardless of their parent’s alcohol or drug use or their family’s socioeconomic status.

  1. A teen’s close relationship to his/her father was associated with more robust and developed areas of the brain associated with self-regulation and executive functioning, especially for sons.
  2. A teen’s close relationship to his/her mother was associated with less binge drinking, especially for daughters.

In other words, a teen’s close relationship with their parent decreases the likelihood of alcohol abuse by enhancing improved neurocognitive functioning. More specifically, having a warm, close relationship with one’s parent during the teen years helps the teen build a resilience based on improved neural networks for executive functioning and self-regulation. 

With this in mind, two factors stand out as crucial in protecting your child from experiencing alcohol or substance abuse…two actions you can begin today:

  1. Model healthy behavior. Never underestimate the power of your example in your children’s lives. Do not overdrink. Do not “go for the buzz.” Do not drive drunk. Do not use illegal substances. Do not use prescription drugs beyond their prescribed use and amount. Maintain your own sobriety. Our children learn more from our behaviors than our teaching. 
  2. Develop a warm, close relationship with your child. Maintain that relationship through their teen years and into adulthood. Spend time with your children. Learn about their interests. Invest in their lives. This research suggests that a warm, close relationship with your teen will help build a buffer of protection against alcohol and substance abuse.

Know what I like about these two actions that can promote our children’s long-term health? They invite me to live a healthy life in a joyous relationship with my family. Sounds like a good deal to me.

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The “Dad Brain”

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When a man becomes a father, he gets “Dad Brain.” No, it’s not a disease. It’s a gift every Dad receives with the birth of their child…if they unwrap it. Researchers who obtained MRI scans of 40 men’s brains in Spain and California identified the “Dad Brain.” They actually recorded two MRI scans of each man’s brain: one during their spouse’s first pregnancy and another 6 months after their child was born. They compared the results with scans of 17 men who had no children. What did they find? Having a child changed these men’s brains. Specifically, brain changes appeared in the fathers’ brain regions associated with visual processing, attention, and empathy. These brain changes would enhance the men’s ability to attend to and empathize with their newborn child. In other words, they became more attuned to their child. They had an increased ability to recognize their baby’s needs.

One caveat though. These changes seem to be associated with the level of the father’s involvement in their child’s life. The more involved a father becomes, the more likely to see these brain changes.

What does this mean? Men are designed to be involved in the parenting process. Children benefit when their fathers become involved in their lives. Fathers also benefit from their involvement in their children’s lives. With that in mind, a few suggestions:

  1. Fathers, invest in your children, it’s a precious responsibility. Don’t let busyness, work, or “responsibilities” interfere with your involvement in your children’s lives. They need you and you need them. Get involved. Interact. Play. Converse. Laugh. Learn. Become an integral part of your children’s daily lives. It’s your superpower. 
  2. Mothers, encourage the father of your children to become involved in your children’s lives. You don’t have to “make it happen” or “convince them” to get involved. Simply open the door, allow them the opportunity. Your children need their father. Encourage that involvement.
  3. Recognize that fathers will engage their children differently than mothers will. Fathers tend to engage in rough and tumble play more often than mothers do. They encourage more adventure and exploration. These differences serve to help our children grow in different ways.  They can help our children move successfully into the world.

Becoming a parent, whether a father or a mother, makes us a new person. Step into the change…lean into it…dive into it. You’ll never regret that you did.

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Want Your Child to Listen Better? Then Play!

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Children don’t always listen the way we’d like. Who are we kidding? Adults don’t always listen the way we’d like either. In fact, I don’t always listen as attentively as I know I should. Come to think of it, if children learn to listen by following our examples, it’s no wonder they don’t listen the way we’d like. Sorry, I digress. I just want to share an activity you can utilize to help your children listen better. This activity also gives us, as parents, the experience of listening deeply to our children. What is the activity? Play.

Yes, playing with our children will help them listen better.  Not just any type of play activity though. I’m talking about imaginative play activities like drawing, dolls, building, or dress up.

And not just play with anyone, but with you—their parent. This is an opportunity for you to enjoy time with your child and learn about them. Children become close to those who engage in activities with them. This becomes an opportunity for you to deepen your relationship with your child. A deeper relationship will contribute to their ability to listen to you in the future.

And not just any type of play will do for this activity. No, for this activity engage your child in child-directed play, play in which you follow their lead. They become the leader and you follow. They determine the direction and course of the play. As a parent engaged in this type of play, avoid giving directions, ideas, or suggestions. Simply follow their lead.

Researchers have developed the acronym P.R.I.D.E. to help parents know how to respond to their child while engaging in child-directed play. The “P” in PRIDE stands for “Praising” your child. I prefer to say, “Acknowledge what your child is doing.” Acknowledge specific things about your child’s speech, actions, or work rather than global aspects. For example, “I love the bright colors you dress Barbie in” or “That is a tall tower” rather than simply “How pretty,” “You’re good with fashions,” or “Good job.” Specific acknowledgements (praise) prove more effective than global acknowledgement. Also, acknowledge behaviors you want to encourage in your child. For example, “Thank you for letting me take a turn” or “You asked so politely, thank you.”

The “R” in PRIDE reminds us to reflect verbally on our children’s description of the play. For instance, if your child says, “The tower falls down” as they knock it over, you might reflect by saying, “Ahhh. The tower falls with a crash.”

The “I” in PRIDE prompts us to imitate our children’s play. Imitate them by engaging in parallel play or by following their directive on how to interact. If they dress a doll, you can dress another doll (parallel play). If their doll interacts with your doll, reciprocate (interact). If they build with Legos, you build with Legos (parallel play). If they say, “I need green ones,” hand them some green Legos (interact). Engage in parallel play and follow their directives on how to interact.

The “D” in PRIDE advises us to describe what our children are doing. Act like a sportscaster and narrate your child’s play. “Barbie is putting on a pretty blue dress.” “You just put a red Lego on that tall tower.” “You are standing tall as the king of your kingdom.”  Simply describing your child’s actions informs them that you arere engaged in their play and interest in them…that you are “listening” to them deeply.

The “E” in PRIDE stands for enthusiasm. Engage your child in this child-directed play with your full attention and with an appropriate level of energy. You don’t need to go overboard with a level of energetic enthusiasm that overwhelms your child. Simply responding with “Wow, those are lovely colors” communicates your interest in them and their world. A simple smile or a high five can fill a child with joy. The main goal is to show your child, through your words and actions, that you are genuinely and authentically interested in them and happy to interact with them. In other words, they are valuable to you.

The good news is that research has shown this type of play strengthens the parent-child relationship. And a stronger relationship leads to better listening. Research also suggests that this type of play increases a child’s attention span and social skills.  I believe it also teaches us, as parents, how to listen deeply to our children…and children who feel heard listen better, especially to those they feel listen to them.

Now for the fun part. Grab your child and model how well you can listen by engaging them in child-directed play. You’ll enjoy the play and the relationship you gain as a result.

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A Word of Warning: It’s In the DNA…Now

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Everyone knows that our children inherit various traits from their parents. For instance, children inherit their parents’ eyes and hair, body build and stature. It’s in the genes, which are segments of DNA. Our children get our DNA and so inherit various family traits. But recent research suggests that parents may also have the power to alter their children’s DNA. Specifically, they can introduce additional instructions onto the DNA that will impact how their children’s internal systems will “read the gene” and respond. No, it doesn’t involve surgery or genetic manipulation. Parents have the power to impact gene expression simply through the manner in which they parent. Let me explain.

Researchers at the University of Leuven interviewed adolescents between the ages of 12 and 16 years of age, dividing them into two groups. One group reported their parents as giving support, age expected autonomy, and affection. This group had “supportive parents.” The second group reported their parents as using physical punishment and manipulative behaviors to get their children to comply to overly strict demands and rules. This group had “harsh parents.” 

The researchers then measured the “range of methylation at more than 450,000 places on the DNA.” Methylation is a normal process in which small chemical molecules become added to the DNA and alter how the instructions of the DNA are read and acted upon. In other words, methylation changes how genes are expressed in ways that, ultimately, other people can observe.

The researchers found that those teens who reported having harsher parents had higher rates of methylation than those who had supportive parents. That higher rate of methylation is also associated with depression. In other words, teens who reported having harsher parents also showed a greater tendency toward depression than those who had supportive parents and that tendency toward depression showed up on a microscopic genetic level. Harsh parenting had changed the genetic and DNA structure of their children.

I offer this information as a simple word of warning. How we parent our children may impact them even down to the genetic level. With that caveat, here are some important parenting tips to keep in mind.

  • Spend time with your children, lots of time. Engage with them in a variety of settings. Laugh with them. Cry with them. Have fun with them. Have serious conversations with them. Enjoy their company as often as possible. Time is one of the most valuable currencies with which our children measure love.
  • Listen to your children. Listen to understand them and how they think. Listen from the developmental level of your child’s mind. Don’t expect your 4-year-old to think like a 16-year-old. Let them think like a 4-year-old and enjoy the fascination and wonder of their 4-year-old mind. In fact, enjoy the wonder of how your children think at every age, from one to twenty-five. Remember, listening involves more than the ears. It involves close observation as well.
  • Set age-appropriate boundaries for their safety. Recognize that those boundaries will change as your children mature. In fact, as your children mature those boundaries often become more like “agreements” shared in mutual respect, especially as they move into and through late adolescence. Let them experience an age appropriate increased in autonomy as they mature.
  • Provide them with healthy physical affection and emotional support. Take a page out of the NBA playbook and give your children the hugs, high fives, and fist bumps they need. Go a step further and give them the emotional support they need to mature and learn to regulate their emotions.
  • Acknowledge their efforts, even if the final product is not what you had imagined. (See My Mom Kept That…Art? to learn more.)
  • Let them experience the consequences of their behavior, the positive consequences of hard work and positive behavior as well as the negative consequences of negative behaviors. Don’t rescue them.

Providing your children with supportive parenting with the practices above will nurture healthy children. It may even bake that emotional health right into their DNA.

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Lay the Foundation for a Lifetime Relationship

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What kind of relationship do you want to have with your child when they become young adults? It’s good to start thinking about your answer to that question before your children leave for college, because you’re finishing up the foundation for that relationship during the adolescent years. In fact, research from Penn State followed 1,631 families while their children progressed through adolescence (6th to 12th grade) into young adulthood (22-years-old). The researchers discovered that parents often express less warmth and affection to their teens. They also spent less time with their teen and engage in harsher punishment toward them. This hindered their relationship as their child moved into young adulthood.

On the other hand, when parents maintained positive forms of parenting and involvement in their teens’ lives, they laid a foundation for a strong relationship with their them in their adult years. What are the “positive forms of parenting” that laid a strong foundation?

  • Involvement. We need to remain involved in our teens’ lives. The way we remain involved may change as our teens strive for independence and autonomy. But they still need, and want, our involvement in their lives. You can maintain your involvement in your teen’s life by doing things together—sports, bike riding, making music, going to concerts, gaming, cooking, going out for dessert…the list goes on. Be creative. Find things you can enjoy doing together and do them. Stay involved.
  • Share affection. Teens who reported higher levels of parental warmth and affection also reported feeling closer to their parents as adults. So let your teens know you love them. Tell them “I love you.” Give them a hug as they leave for the day and a hug good night. Give them a pat on the back…just because.  Take a page from the NBA playbook and share some affection, verbally and physically.
  • Utilize balanced and effective discipline. Rather than yell and lecture, offer consistent and rational reasons for the rules and consequences. Stay as calm as you can if they question those rules and consequences. In fact, take time to listen to your teen’s reasons for making a change in the rules. They may offer an excellent reason for change. When appropriate, compromise or even change a rule that has become outdated as your teen matures. Throughout the process, remain respectful of your teen. Model the polite, respectful interaction you desire from them.

These three practices may pose a challenge at various times as your teen stretches for independence and autonomy. But as you remain involved, share affection, and utilize balanced discipline you can look forward to enjoying a positive, loving relationship with your teen well into their adult life.

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