Parents want their children to grow in knowledge, to do well in school and get accepted into a university that will set their career on a great trajectory. To accomplish this end, parents often take the role of teaching their children. That is all well and good, but it’s not the most effective way for parents to reach these goals. Offering didactic teaching is not really the best option for a parent. In fact, it’s definitely not the way children learn best. Know what does help your children learn to the best of their ability? Your relationship with them.

It’s true. Children learn best when their parents build a stable and reliable relationship with them, a stable and reliable resource of security. Research actually suggests that a parent who nurtures a stable, reliable relationship with their children is more valuable than explicitly teaching them. The relationship actually helps increase their ability to learn effectively. Moreover, trust in the parent-child relationship is more important than teaching strategies a parent might use or lessons a parent might teach. When children enjoy a secure relationship with their parents, a relationship filled with trust and stability, they learn more easily.

Knowing that parents represent a child’s primary “teacher” of important lessons (including emotional knowledge, values, and priorities) the parent-child relationship becomes even more important…kind of scary too. I never took a “parenting class” to learn how I might pass on these important lessons to my children; and I know mistakes are inevitable. Fortunately, when a child learns from a parent with whom they have a strong, stable relationship, they even correct the mistakes their parent inevitably makes.

If children experience a more avoidant relationship with their parent, one in which the parent-child relationship does not offer the stability of coregulating emotions and emotional connection, they will learn equally from parent and stranger. At first glance, this sounds okay. However, it means that children indiscriminately learn important emotional knowledge and values from strangers as readily as they learn them from their parents. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my children to learn from just any stranger.

If, on the other hand, children experience an anxious attachment with their parent, one in which they remain insecure in the relationship and unclear if the parent will remain available to them in times of need, they still learn from their parent. However, they do not correct the mistakes their parents might make. They indiscriminately accept all knowledge from their parents, right or wrong. They will leave the home with mistaken ideas passed on by their parents. Consider the dangers this can present when learning important emotional knowledge and values from a parent with an alcohol or drug problem.

But a secure relationship, a stable and reliable relationship…that opens the door to learning. Your relationship with your children is the most important gift you can give them to enhance their ability to learn. The more secure and trusting your relationship, the more easily and effectively they will learn. Not only will they learn more easily, but they will learn the important lessons of values and emotional maturity primarily from you. Even better, they will recognize mistakes you make and improve upon the lessons you teach them. So, if you want your children to do well in school and learn the lessons that will help them do well in life, focus on developing and nurturing a secure, loving, reliable relationship with them.