Tag Archive for family meals

Build a Happier Family in the New Year

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The UK has engaged in a longitudinal study called Understanding Society. The study started gathering data on 40,000 households in 2009.  They also incorporated data from the British Household Panel Survey which began in 1991. That’s 25 years of data about families, relationship, health, and so much more! (Learn more about it at Understanding Society). Why do I tell you about this study? Because this study, with the largest household panel from which to gather data over an extended period of time, has revealed three things parents can do to raise happier children! It’s true. Happy adults were raised by parents who did three things…three things that you can do today to help your children become happy adults. Let me share them with you now.

  1. First and foremost, work to build a healthy, happy marriage. In particular, children become happier adults when their mother is happy in her marital relationship. Their father’s happiness in the marital relationship, although important, did not have as significant an impact as their mother’s happiness did. I would add, however, that most men in healthy marriages are happiest when they know their spouse is happy. So, to have happier children, maintain a healthy, happy marriage. Men, find ways to bring joy and happiness to your wife. Speak her love language. Share the household chores. Pursue dreams together. The healthier and more secure your marriage, the happier your wife; the happier your wife, the happier your children.
  2. Pursue peace. The study actually reports happiest people are raised by parents who “avoid regular arguments.” Unfortunately, simply avoiding arguments tends to escalate the tension and increase the possibility of “a big blowout.” Instead of simply avoiding arguments, pursue peace. You can pursue peace by keeping promises, discussing decisions, allowing your spouse to influence you, resolving differences before they become arguments. In other words, you can pursue peace by honoring, serving, and celebrating your spouse. Pursuing peace decreases arguments and, when disagreements do occur (which they will), pursing peace leads to quicker, calmer, and more satisfying resolutions. That will contribute to happier children. (For more on pursuing peace, read The Secret to Family Peace)
  3. Eat at least three meals as a family each week. Eating meals as a family offers benefits in every area of family life—physical, mental (Have Fun, Eat, &..What?), emotional, and relational (Read A Special Ingredient for Happy Families for more). Your children will have fond memories of family meals. Fond memories, by the way, contribute to happiness. Family meals provide one cornerstone of happiness for every family. Enjoy them as often as you can.

A happy marriage, the pursuit of peace, and regular family meals all contribute to happier children who grow into happy adults. Sounds like the makings of a great New Year’s resolution. I think I’ll do it. Won’t you do the same?

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A Special Ingredient for Healthy Families

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A middle school boy told me what he liked and didn’t like about his family. Interestingly, he liked the family dinners they used to have. He disliked that they no longer had those family dinners. Even as a middle school boy, he missed family dinners! Family dinners provided him the time he desired to slow down, talk, and connect with his whole family. I have to admit, I was somewhat surprised to hear a middle-school-aged child talking about missing family dinners. Nonetheless, he made an excellent observation. Family dinners provide time to reconnect and bond with our families. They are a time to relax, tell stories, and talk about our daily lives, laugh, and even make future plans.

Research Suggests:

  1. Regular family meals help reduce the rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression in adolescents.
  2. Families that enjoy regular family meals see their children attain higher grade-point averages.
  3. “Dinner conversation” boosts vocabulary more than reading does!
  4. The stories of personal victories, perseverance, fun moments, and family times help build a child’s resilience and confidence.

As you can see, family meals offer a smorgasbord of benefits for families and their children. So, if you want your family to grow more intimate…if you want your children to grow up happy…if you want your children to grow up physically and emotionally healthy…if you want your children to have a higher grade-point average, set aside the time to enjoy regular family meals.  Here are a few tips to help you plan your family meal time:

  • Include Your Whole Family in the Meal Process. The family meal process includes making the menu, preparing the meal, setting the table, and cleaning up afterwards. Include the whole family in these activities. Make the menu together. One day a week, allow a different family member to pick their favorite food items for a meal. Encourage the whole family to help clear the table, load the dishwasher, wash the dishes…and make it fun with conversation and laughter. Come up with your own creative ways to include the whole family in the family meal process.
  • Enjoy Conversation While You Eat. Save topics you know lead to arguments for another time and focus on conversations that will build relationships. Talk about the day’s activities, each person’s dreams, memories of fun family times, and things you’d like to do in the future. Really, the topics available for discussion are limited only by our
  • Plan a Few Dinner Surprises. Your family might enjoy dinner for breakfast or breakfast for dinner. Plan one “ethnic meal night” per week and travel the globe with culinary surprises. Eat your meal backwards, starting with dessert. Plan an “Iron Chef” night and let each family members cook one dish…the family can vote on best taste, presentation, and creativity after the meal. You get the idea. Do something different now and again. Make it a surprise…and have fun.
  • Turn off the Technology. Turn off TV’s, video games, phones, and any other technology that has the potential to interfere with the moment’s face-to-face interaction and family interaction. Learn to enjoy each other in the moment with no interruption.

Put it all together and you have a family meal, the special ingredient of healthy families.

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A 30-Day Family Happiness Challenge

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We all want happy families. In fact, I’m implementing a 30-day family happiness challenge in my home and I’d like to invite you to join along. It really isn’t all that hard. But, it will demand doing certain things every day for 30 days. So, set the reminder on your phone, write them on a post-it and stick it on your mirror…whatever it takes to make sure you

remember each action each day.  Here they are.

  • Give your spouse and each child 3 hugs every day for 30 days. That’s one hug when you leave the house, one hug before bed, and one hug sometime in between. (Learn more in Becoming a Master Hugger.)
  • Give your spouse and each child one genuine compliment every day for 30 days. Tell them a character trait you appreciate or something you admire about them.
  • Tell your spouse and each child “thank you” for something they did every day for 30 days. This is different than the compliment. The compliment will acknowledge some character trait you admire. The “thank you” will acknowledge something they just did in the moment that day. You can say “thank you” for something as simple as passing the salt or as involved as painting the house. Whether it’s something you expect them to do all the time or a surprise, offer thanks. (Read the amazing benefits of gratitude in 7 Ways Gratitude Benefits Your Family According to Research and Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores?)
  • Tell your spouse and each child “I love you” every day for 30 days. I would suggest doing this in the morning and in the evening before bed, but you can pick any time you like. Just make sure to tell each one every day.
  • Do one thing for your spouse and each child every day for 30 days. That’s right, do one thing for each person. It doesn’t have to be big, just do something for them. They do not even have to notice it, just do something for them. Unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor, get gas in the car, help set the table, watch a movie together, patiently help with homework, get a treat…you get the idea. Do one thing for your spouse and each child every day.
  • Eat one meal together every day for 30 days. During the meals enjoy conversation. Avoid lectures and “touchy subjects.” Just talk about the day. Tell some jokes. You might even give your compliment, “thank you,” or “I love you” during the meal. (Have Fun, Eat, &…What? will show a surprising benefit of eating as a family.)

None of these activities are especially hard; but, you will find they have an amazing impact on your family. Don’t believe me? Take up the challenge. Do each one for the next 30 days…it may make a believer out of you! Either way, I’d love to know what happens so leave a note in the message below.

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6-Step Resiliency Strengthening Program for Your Children

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Resilience: the muscle that gives our children the strength to bounce back from adversity, persist through obstacles, and stretch through the pain toward maturity. It is an essential muscle for all of us, especially our children. Our children need resilience to experience greater happiness and more success. If you are wondering how you can coach your children to strengthen resilience, let me share this 6-step resiliency strengthening program with you. Try it out and watch your children’s muscles of resiliency grow strong.

  1. Show your children they matter. Let them know you care about them and rely on them. You can do this by giving them your time. Engage them in activities. Learn about activities that interest them. Make time to listen, really listen, to your children as well. Doing so will show them they matter to you. Invite them to participate in household chores with you so they know they matter to your family and home. Become involved in a volunteer activity together, something that makes a difference beyond the home. These activities teach your children they matter to you, your family, and your community. They also discover that their actions influence the world around them and they can wield that influence for positive ends.
  2. Become your children’s dream catcher. Learn about your children’s interests and passions. Research opportunities for them to gain new experiences in their areas of interest. For instance, buy a book or movie related to their interest. Enroll them in a camp focused on their interest. Introduce them to other adults and children with similar interests. This will cost you some time and maybe even some money. But, it will teach your children they matter (see bullet #1) and it teaches them how to seek out opportunities for themselves. Catch your children’s dream and help make it a reality. (Read Grow Your Children’s Dream for more info.)
  3. Eat at least one meal together each day. No TV, no phones, no texting…just sitting down as a family to eat and talk. A shared meal is a great way to give your children undivided attention. It’s a wonderful time to talk about the accomplishments and struggles of the day. During that interaction, you can focus on gratitude as well as the inevitable obstacles of the day, both of which promote resiliency. You can also share the family story…. (Check out The Lost Art of Family Meals and Project Mealtime.)
  4. Share family stories. Your children will love to hear the stories of your life as a child: adventures you enjoyed, how you met your spouse, lessons you learned, etc. Tell stories about family members who overcame struggles and obstacles as well. Family stories build identity. Let your family stories build an identity of growth, perseverance, and resilience for your children.(Try telling The Story That Will Change Your Family Life! for a great start.)
  5. Acknowledge effort. Rather than simply praise your children for the trophy or ribbon they bring home, talk about the hard work and effort they invested to make it possible. Recall the obstacles they overcame and the times they persisted in the face of hardship. Relish in the story and teamwork of the effort undergirding the accomplishment, not just the end result. (Build Your Child’s Success Mindset give more on acknowledging effort.)
  6. Problem-solve as opportunities arise…and opportunities will arise. Problem-solving begins with listening intently and earnestly. After the problem is completely disclosed and understood, simply ask, “What are you going to do?” Let your children respond and listen as they begin problem-solving. Gently give input to refine their ideas, suggest possibilities, and guide toward positive solutions. Listen, ask, and expand rather than lecture, direct, and solve…that will teach your children problem-solving.(Read Do You Rob Your Teen of Victory to learn the benefit of letting your children experience the difficulties of life rather than solving the difficulty for them.)

There it is: a 6-step resiliency strengthening program. Implement it today and you will love watching your children grow more resilient as they mature.

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The Habits of a Successful Family

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Remember the saying:

“Our choices become our actions.

Our actions become our habits.

Our habits become our character.

Our character becomes our destiny.”

I found variations on this saying attributed to a number of sources ranging from Gandhi and Lao Tzu to Michael Hyatt and James Hunter.  Doesn’t really matter who said it in the long run.  It’s true for individuals and families. If you want your family to enjoy intimate

conversations, fun times, and loving interactions it begins with your choices and actions. If you want your family to become a place of refuge, fun, and security, it begins with choices and actions carried out on a consistent, daily basis. The big one time events do not shape our families for the long run.  It’s the choices we make on a consistent basis that become the actions of our daily lives. As we engage in those actions on a consistent basis within the family, we form family habits. Those habits shape our families’ character and determine our families’ destiny.  That’s where honor, grace, and celebration come in. When we consistently choose to practice honor, grace, and celebration in our families, we develop families filled with respect, intimacy, security, and fun. Here are some great daily actions that will help you develop an amazing family character and destiny.

  • Honor your family with courteous words and polite actions.
  • Honor your family with expressions of gratitude and appreciation.
  • Honor your family with compliments, statements of adoration and praise.
  • Honor your family with your time.
  • Honor your family by becoming a student of your spouse and each child.
  • Honor your family by serving your spouse and children.
  • Show your family grace by accepting and even celebrating differences in talents, interests, and opinions.
  • Show your family grace by initiating the resolution of any disagreement.
  • Show your family grace by putting your spouse’s and your children’s interests ahead of your own.
  • Show your family grace by forgiving quickly.
  • Show your family grace through discipline, setting and enforcing limits in love.
  • Celebrate your family by making it a point to play and laugh together.
  • Celebrate your family with dinner time together.
  • Celebrate your family by acknowledging effort toward a goal as well as accomplishments.
  • Celebrate your family by encouraging and supporting your spouse’s and your children’s dreams.
  • Celebrate your family by worshipping together.

Make a choice to put these actions into daily practice. In doing so, you will build a family who practices honor, grace, and celebration habitually. Honor, grace, and celebration will form the foundation of character in your family and shape your family’s destiny.  Who knows, if enough families make the choice to make honor, grace, and celebration the habit of their family, we might just change the world!

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What? That Can Increase Family Happiness?

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Well, a study published in the Journal of Public Health (read more here) confirmed another way to increase happiness in your family. To some, this method of increasing happiness will come as a shock and lead to a resounding groan. To others it will lead to a collective shout

of joy. What could increase family happiness and still have such a variety of responses? Eating fruits and vegetables. What? It’s true. You have to be kidding! No, the study shows that eating 8 servings of fruit and vegetables will increase happiness (click here to check out the graph embedded in this review to show the increase). This is no small study either. Mujcic and Oswald (the authors) examined food diaries of 12,385 adults over the years 2007, 2009, and 2013.   That represents a lot of people over a long period of time. They found that eating 8 servings of fruits and vegetables a day boosted happiness “to the max.” In fact, the  boost in happiness from eating 8 servings of fruits and vegetables had the same impact as getting a job after a period of unemployment! The boost in happiness occurred quickly as well. It didn’t take days or weeks. Eating fruits and vegetables today led to greater happiness tomorrow (unlike “the hamburger today [for which] I’ll gladly pay tomorrow”). So, bring on the brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, and green beans. Stock up on apples, oranges, bananas, and berries. Encourage your family to eat fruits and vegetables. It will bring greater happiness into your home.

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Mom was Right…Again!!

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Mom was right again. I almost hate to say it, but she ends up right more often than not. She always said, “Eat your vegetables,” and now several scientific studies support her demands on my young taste buds. (When did science start siding with my mother anyway?) A study of 13,983 adults in England suggests that eating fruits and vegetables

isolated fruit salad

improved positive mood and quality of life. (How did she know?) Another study reports those who ate seven servings of fruits and vegetables in a day reported more positive affect for that day and the next day! (Is that why my mother always said, “Eat an apple” when I asked for a cookie?) Other studies have shown that eating five-to-eight servings of fruits and vegetables each day was associated with greater happiness, reduced nervousness, and reduced feelings of “downheartedness.” (She always said, “Happy children eat their peas.” Really?)

 

The positive effect of eating fruits and vegetables does not stop in childhood either. Eating healthy servings of fruits and vegetables during adolescence is associated with reports of more positive physical health in early adulthood. Even in middle adulthood eating fruits and vegetables was related to greater optimism (the antioxidants in fruits and vegetables is thought to play a part in this).

 

Mom was right. Her demand to eat fruits and vegetables during my childhood improved my childhood, my young adult years, and now even impacts my middle adulthood years. So, once again, I tip my hat to moms everywhere for telling their kids to “eat your vegetables.” Perhaps we can give a special “shout out” to those French moms who seem to teach their children to eat all kinds of healthy foods (see How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm). We can take a page from their meal plan to encourage our kids to eat their vegetables by:

  • Make mealtime a sacred time set apart from the busy-ness of life to engage with one another in the preparation and savoring of our foods. We can assure that the whole family slows down to savor the intimacy we share over asparagus and broccoli as well as chocolate cake and cookies.
  • Assure mealtime is an expression of love, a time in which we slow down to cherish one another and our relationships rather than a moment to we wolf down some unknown food substance as we rush from one activity to another. Teach the whole family to view mealtime as an important family event of sharing, laughter, and fun.
  • Allow our children to participate in the whole process of the mealtime project. This process begins with growing and picking the vegetables or helping pick them out at the local farmer’s market or grocery store. The process continues through the preparation and does not end until we have enjoyed the food together and cleaned up as a team. Letting children participate in such a sacred event (see first bullet) will increase their sense of significance, competence, and contribution as well.

 

When I was growing up I never thought I’d say this; but, I guess I’ll join in with mothers around the world in saying, “Eat your vegetables.” It the least I can do to help my children and my spouse feel happier and physically healthier throughout their life!

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“Steak” Your Claim on Family Dinner

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Have you seen the advertisement for the “Delmio Pepper Hacker”? I want to purchase one. Watch the 2-minute video advertisement and see if you might like one for your family as well.

You know, you can reclaim dinner time without the Delmio Pepper Hacker. You can establish dinner time as a tech-free time—no technology at the table or in the dining room. Make dinner time a family time, a time to focus on family conversation and interaction.

Beware. As you begin the process you may encounter some kick back. You may have noticed the initial reaction of going technology free in the video was not a happy scene. “Tablets and tantrums were thrown.” People got upset. They experienced withdrawal. They grew angry. They felt as though something was lost. We need to remember this crucial aspect in the process of reclaiming dinner from the oppression of technology. The initial reaction may not be one of immediate joy. In fact, it may be just the opposite. Stick to your guns. Pursue a technology free dinner table. After all, in spite of the initial negative reaction, “the world did not end!” Families soon came together at the table and began to interact. They learned to connect with one another. They began to have fun together. They talked. They laughed. They probably ate better and digested their food better as well. Why? Because “family dinner time was reclaimed;” and, “when families disconnect [from technology], they connect [with one another]!”

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Project Mealtime: A Sacred Expression of Love

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Family having a big dinner at homeFamily meals offer a smorgasbord of benefits for families. For instance, children whose families enjoy regular family meals earn higher grade point averages.  Regular family meals contribute to lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy, and depression in adolescents. Dinner conversations boost vocabulary more than reading. And, stories of personal victories, perseverance, and fun moments shared at dinner build children’s resilience and confidence. In spite of all these benefits, family meals are difficult to arrange. In our fast-paced culture we tend to gorge our families with individual activities and fast food instead of savoring the time invested in a family meal. Perhaps we can copy a recipe from the French when it comes to valuing both food and our families. In How Eskimos Keep Their Babies Warm, Mei Ling Hopgood takes one chapter to describe how the French teach their children to love healthy food.  Let’s chew on three ingredients the French savor when it comes to family meals.

  1. Mealtime is a sacred time, a time set apart from the busy-ness of life. Like all sacred times, the family meal is approached with anticipation. Ingredients are chosen with care and thoughtfully prepared in love. The family takes time to savor the uniqueness of each ingredient as well as the dynamic blend of flavors and aromas they create. With this mindset, the meal becomes a sacred moment which the whole family can admire and share.
  2. Mealtime is an expression of love. Meals allow us to promote our families’ physical health by choosing quality foods and our families’ emotional health in the secure bonding we enjoy over food. As an expression of love, mealtime becomes more than simply filling our bodies with nutrients. It becomes an opportunity to give other family members their favorite foods, to humbly serve one another, and to express gratitude for what we have received. During mealtime, we can offer our children or spouse the first bite and make the small, loving sacrifice of offering the last bite as well.
  3. Mealtimes are family projects. Everyone can pitch in from the very beginning. The whole family can help obtain the foods, whether by carefully choosing and purchasing the food at the grocery store or by growing and picking the food from the garden. The whole family can also participate in cooking the food, preparing the table, and cleaning the dishes. Throughout the process, family members can enjoy conversation and laughter. Most importantly, the whole family can sit down to eat the “fruits of their labor” together, presenting a wonderful opportunity to remember, give thanks, and celebrate the sacred moment of a family meal, prepared and shared in love by the whole family.

 

Enjoy the benefits of the sacred mealtime by joining me in the family mealtime project. As we start the new year, commit to eating at least three meals each week as a family. No TV. No scattering each one to his own room. No cell phones. Just you and your family cooking up the perfect family recipe and enjoying the sacred expression of love we call mealtime. Join me in Project Mealtime: A Sacred Expression of Love.

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Have Fun, Eat, and…What?!

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My family and I just returned from a wonderful visit with my wife’s sister and her husband’s family. While there, we enjoyed dinner with three families. Between these three families, we Family having a big dinner at homehave 6 lovely daughters ranging in age from sophomores in high school to freshman in college. Add three sets of parents and one grandmother to those six young ladies and you have a meal with 13 people around the table. Some would say that number unlucky, but we would disagree. We had a lovely meal. As we enjoyed our meal together, I realized how fortunate we are to have the opportunity for this kind of extended family experience. Everyone was smiling, laughing, and talking. At one point during the preparations, one of our daughters realized we had no bread…a catastrophe! But, 6 creative teen women soon came up with a solution and we enjoyed crescent rolls with dinner. In fact, everyone contributed to the meal—some cooked the main dish, others brought side dishes, and others brought dessert.  Some helped prepare the meal and some helped clean up afterward. While eating dessert we enjoyed several rounds of the game “telephone”—one person whispers a message into the ear of the person next to them. That person whispers it to the next person and so on until it returns to the person who first stated the message. As we laughed about how the message had changed from the beginning to the end of “telephone,” I remembered a study I had read (I know, who thinks about studies in the midst of fun…go figure). Anyway, researchers were exploring where children learned “rare words.” The researchers listed 2,000 rare words and then searched within families to discover where children learn those 2,000 rare words. Only 143 were learned through reading. But, over a thousand (that’s over half) of the words were learned at family mealtimes. Family conversations enhance vocabulary! Sounds like a great headline. As I contemplated that little tidbit of how children learn vocabulary, I realized just how much our family members learned during our wonderful time together. We learned how to cooperate with one another in completing a goal (getting dinner on the table and then cleared off after we ate). We learned how to problem solve (so we could sit in the right places, enjoy crescent rolls, and pass all the food to everyone present). We learned how to interact in a social setting. We learned how to listen carefully, how to join a conversation, and how to excuse ourselves politely. We also learned how to show gratitude and appreciation for gifts given…or simple politeness when someone passes us the gravy. Most important, all this learning was done in a spirit of camaraderie and fun! If you want to learn all these things in your family…and instill each of these values in your children…enjoy meals together as often as you can. Have fun, eat, and become better people all around!

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