Tag Archive for values

Holding Your Family Hostage (A Letter I Received)

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Hello. I am writing to inform you that I have taken your family hostage. Some may consider me a kidnapper but you welcomed me into your home.  You allowed me to get a hold on your family and eventually gain the position I now hold…the position of captor. I go by several names: Things, Stuff, Possessions, but my preferred title is Clutter. It’s true. I, Clutter, have taken your family hostage. Don’t believe me? Well…

  • I have successfully taken over large sections of your home, confining you to a smaller and smaller area. You no longer keep your car in the garage because I fill it up. You are not alone. Three out of four American families cannot use their garage because I, Clutter, have filled it with my presence(Today’s Families are Prisoners of Their Own Clutter). You have one less bedroom, because I, Clutter, sleep in the spare room. I limit what rooms you use and where you sit.  You and your family are my hostage.
  • I have also limited your use of time. Remember last week when you spent two hours looking for one piece of paper hidden in me, Clutter? I robbed you of that time. Remember how proud you were of your back yard and deck? But you still don’t use it because you have no time. Your time is taken up accruing money to get more Stuff…Clutter. Once again, you are not alone. I have successfully carried out this time and space limiting plan in myriads of family homes. In a study done by UCLA at the beginning of the 21st Century 50 of 64 adults observed never went outside in the course of a week (Today’s Families are Prisoners of Their Own Clutter). They were too busy. And, when they did have time to go outside, they sat down amidst their stuff to watch TV or “engage” their computer. Basically, I, Clutter, have filled their life and your life. There is no time for the open spaces of outside. No time for family.
  • I have captured your children, too. They have “mountains” of toys. In fact, the United States has “3.1% of the world’s children but they own 40% of the Little Tykes Easy Score basketball hoops and other toys” (Today’s Families are Prisoners of Their Own Clutter) Still, I have taught your children to prefer watching TV so I can entice them with more toys they will rarely play with. If not the TV, I prefer they sit amidst their stuff and play video games. Clutter their minds so they can’t enjoy the open spaces of new experiences and adventures that await them in the creative recesses of their mind. I, Clutter, do not allow that creativity to rise and shine.
  • I shape your priorities. I keep your mind on all your stuff. I direct your energies toward stuff. I suck up your resources for stuff. I keep your focus on me. No need to have people over and build relationships. Clutter is in the way. No time to go out and enjoy time with family. Clutter calls for you to clean first…and that is too daunting a task. No money to share with others or extra cash to enjoy time as a family. Clutter needs your money to acquire more of the same…Clutter.

As you can see, I, Clutter, have taken your family captive. You are my hostage. You have no time or space for anything but me. I limit your mental resources. I keep you cooped up. I increase your frustration levels. In fact, managing all these possessions has been shown to increase the level of stress hormones in mothers.

So, welcome to the reign of Clutter.  Signed,

Clutter

 

I wrote back immediately. After finding a pen and paper amidst the clutter of my desk, I penned a very brief letter explaining my plan to escape the clutches of Clutter.  I simply wrote, “Time to declutter….” And, I did. Will you do the same?

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The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Tree…Or Does It?

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We hear certain folk truths all the time. Three folk truths I hear for parenting are: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” “Like father, like son,” and “He’s a chip off the old block.”  But a recent study published in the British Journal of Psychology (Read How Far Does the Apple Fall From the Tree for a review of the study) reveals the actual truth is more nuanced than folk wisdom suggests. In this study, researchers looked up 418 German and Swiss families to see “which parents most strongly transmitted their values to their children.” They discovered that parents who encourage AND live out prosocial values like helping, supporting and caring for others, and kindness passed on their values more effectively than those who promoted values like power, position-seeking, and achievement.  Interestingly, children also adopted positive traits unrelated to kindness, like curiosity and respect for tradition, from parents who promoted caring values. The authors of the study believe parents who focus on prosocial values also exhibit greater sensitivity and caring toward their children; they “practice what they preach” so to speak. This creates a stronger bond and a stronger bond contributes to children adopting their parents’ values. In other words, children are more likely to replicate the values of an empathetic, supportive parent than one who pushes for achievement and position. Interesting, isn’t it? Adds a whole new dimension to our efforts to raise kind children while pushing them to be “number one,” undefeated, the best in the class… it just might not work.

How does this change the folk wisdom mentioned above? Perhaps we need to rewrite the saying. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree of caring, supportive families…but for the harsh, power-driven parent it may roll down the hill into who knows what.” Not quite as quick and snappy…but it does express a more complete truth.

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Add Meaning to Life by Building Routine?

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Meaning and routine…those are two words we don’t often think of together. Instead, we think of routine as dull, the “same old thing,” and “stuck in a rut.”  Who finds meaning in that? Research, on the other hand, suggests that we gain a greater sense of meaning in our lives when we practice routines. Yes, routines…like starting the day with a simple prayer or daily exercise, walking the same route to work each day or reading a chapter before bed, Friday night pizza or a cup of coffee each morning…routines! Rather than making life dull and predictable, research tells us that such routines actually make life more meaningful! (Read Everyday Routines Make Life Feel More Meaningful and A New Psychological Insight Makes Me Feel Much Less Boring for more). “How can that be?” you ask.

  • Daily routines help us develop a sense of coherence, a sense of self that remains the same over time and place. Routines help us define “who I am” and “what I do.” We become a person who enjoys coffee or a person who enjoys taking a walk. We come to know ourselves as a person who enjoys quiet times of prayer. Whatever routine we develop becomes part of our identity, our sense of self that remains the same across time and place. Of course, this means we need to use caution in developing our routines. We will do best to develop routines that contribute to a positive sense of self. After all, who wants to be the person known as a grumbler because they start every day with complaint? A positive daily routine, on the other hand, can help us develop a stable and positive identity.
  • Daily routines also build a sense of predictability into life. Having a sense of predictability, having an idea of “what comes next,” provides a sense of safety, especially for children. This sense of safety provides an anchor that frees us to take healthy risks in other areas of our lives…which leads to the next point.
  • Daily routines free us to pursue significant goals in our lives. Over time, the routines become a natural part of our day. We don’t have to waste mental energy remembering to do them or even how to do them. Instead, we can focus our energies on goals we consider significant and important to living out our values.
  • Of course, having the energy and thought to pursue more significant goals also gives our life a greater sense of purpose. We can thank daily routines for making this possible.
  • Daily routines for families also provide regular times to develop family relationships, which translates into greater family identity and family intimacy.

In other words, routines have a ripple effect. Positive routines help build a positive identity and a sense of predictability which allows us to pursue significant goals and build a greater sense of purpose. Family routines help build family identity and family intimacy. So, if you really want to help your family and your children build a greater sense of meaning in life, build family routines! Here are a few your children and your family might enjoy.

  • A daily family meal.
  • Bedtime prayers.
  • Taking time each night to read with your children.
  • The “good-bye kiss.”
  • The “I’m home kiss.”
  • Fishing on the weekend.
  • Friday pizza night.
  • Worship weekly.

You get the idea. The kinds of healthy routines you can develop are limited only by your imagination. Whatever you choose, get on out there and establish some family routines. Your family will benefit from gaining a sense of identity and personal meaning. Your children will benefit from a greater sense of identity and personal meaning. You will benefit from enjoying it all!

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Motivating Children with Tin Men Eating Artichokes

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Why did the tin man eat artichokes? That’s a good question…and the answer is coming up. An even better question is how to motivate our children to follow through with chores and other desired behaviors. Parents have struggled with this “age old problem” since the beginning of time and one answer involves tin men eating artichokes. In fact, I recently reviewed a series of four studies revealing how parents can use the tin man eating artichokes to motivate their children. Curious?  Yes, that’s the answer. Curiosity helps motivate. Polman and colleagues showed this in four experiments (Read study here). In the first study, 200 people were given a choice of eating one of two cookies. One was covered in chocolate and sprinkles. The other was a plain old fortune cookie that contained “personal information” about them.  That fortune cookie aroused their curiosity and 71% chose to discover the “personal information” rather than enjoy chocolate and sprinkles.

In the second study, participants were given a choice of watching a “high-brow film” versus a comedic, entertaining film. When given a simple choice, the high-brow film gained a many viewers. However, when researchers promised to reveal the secret to a magic trick only in the high-brow film, the number choosing the high-brow film increased significantly. Seems curiosity outweighs pure entertainment for many.

Next, the researchers wanted to see if curiosity would encourage people to use the stairs rather than the elevator. After measuring the average number of elevator versus stair users, the researchers added curiosity to the mix. They put a question at the bottom of the stairs noting the answer would be found in the stairwell. It was a simple question: “What animal preceded man into space?”  They put four true answers in the stairwell. Only those taking the stairs could discover this answer.  Yes, you guessed it. When curiosity was added to the mix significantly more people took the stairs!  (The answer was frog, guinea pig, rabbit, and fruit fly by the way.)

Finally, in a fourth study, the researchers wanted to see if curiosity could increase the sale of fruits and vegetables. They did this by writing a joke above the produce and giving the answer only at the wrapping area.  For instance, the question over the artichokes was, “Why did the tin man eat artichokes?” The answer could only be discovered by wrapping the produce for purchase. When a consumer did so, they learned the tin man ate artichokes because he “always wanted a heart” (hahaha). Once again, produce sales went up when simple jokes added curiosity to the purchasing process.

What does this have to do with your children? We might try using some curiosity to encourage them to do their chores or eat their vegetables or…anything at all. We did this when our daughter was in kindergarten. She had difficulty getting her morning routine done in time for school. So, we made puzzles out of pictures of her favorite cartoon dragon characters.  We didn’t tell her which dragon it was but for each task of her morning chore she received a puzzle piece. Much to her delight, she received the final puzzle piece when she completed the final task and could see the whole dragon. Just imagine how many different ways you might use curiosity as one tool to encourage your children to do their chores: the answer to a joke at the bottom of a bowl of fruit, the discovery of some secret when they finish a chore, the opportunity for a surprise when they make their bed…. The list is only limited by our imagination. So, get your creativity and start building curiosity.

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My Children are Copy Cats…Now What?

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My father worked as a chaplain in a nursing home. I often volunteered there on Sundays. One Sunday, while walking down the hall, a patient said, “You walk just like your father.”

My daughter came home from college to tell a story about combing her hair (don’t worry, there’s a point). As she adjusted her bangs, she realized (much to her dismay) that she was adjusting her bangs “exactly like my dad does!”

The point is: children imitate their parents. They don’t even try. They just do it. From the mundane to the exceptional, the subtle to the obvious, children imitate their parents. What parent hasn’t experienced their four-year-old saying something at the most inopportune moment that highlights their keen observation skills and unparalleled ability to imitate our behaviors? We often tell funny and embarrassing stories about such moments; but, why not use this phenomenon to our advantage? If our children are going to be copy cats, why not give them something good to copy?  For instance, I would love it if the copy cats in my house would copy these behaviors.

  1. Thanking the person who prepared the food and complimenting them about something they prepared.
  2. Saying a prayer before each meal and at bedtime.
  3. Turning off the TV, video game, or social media and giving your full attention to your spouse, child, or parent when they talk to us.
  4. Offering sincere compliments to your spouse, children, and parents.
  5. Laughing often.
  6. Practicing polite acts of kindness such as holding the door open for other people.
  7. Offering to get another person a snack or drink.
  8. Rinsing your dish and putting it in the dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher without complaining.
  9. Doing every household chore with a smile and a sense of gratitude.
  10. Treating cashiers, clerks, wait staff, and others with polite respect.
  11. Calmly discussing what upsets you rather than “flying off the handle” or “freaking out.”
  12. Trying something new like a new food or a new activity.
  13. Really listening.
  14. Stopping to smell the roses, watching the sunset, listening to the music, or some other activity in which you appreciate beauty. Sharing it with your family.

That’s 14 behaviors the little copy cats can copy all they want! But, that does mean we have to practice them. What other behaviors do you want your little copy cats to copy?

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The Family Conundrum We All Face

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The Journal of Consumer Research recently published a series of studies exploring the connection between leisure time, busyness, and status (Lack of Leisure: Is Busyness the New Status Symbol). The authors found busyness associated with a perception of high status in the United States. In other words, the busier a person’s life, the more important his he is in the eyes of his peers. In addition, using products and services that “showcase one’s busyness” (like online shopping and grocery deliver) made people appear more important, more in demand, and thus of higher status. So, if you want people to see you as important, keep busy.

The World Leisure Journal, on the other hand, published a study suggesting leisure time spent with family at home was a significant “predictor of happiness for families” (Pleasant Family Leisure at Home May Satisfy Families More Than Fun Together Elsewhere, Study Finds). Taken together, these two studies raise an interesting conundrum for many families. Success and status are associated with busyness; but family joy and intimacy is associated with leisure time spent as a family. And, if you haven’t noticed, our families are caught right in the middle of this dilemma. Children and teens live busy lives. They rush from one activity to another, participating in one program after another program so they can build a resume with enough “status” to impress any university of their choosing. They become so busy that parents rush through the drive-thru to order dinner on their way to the next activity. Parents are not immune from their own busyness either. They not only rush the children around; they also take on more assignments at work to increase their status and reputation in hopes of getting the promotion and the raise that will fund their family’s hectic lifestyle. Status for children pursued through involvement in multiple activities. Status for parents rests on busy children and is further pursued through busyness at work and community involvement. The whole family achieves the status of importance and “in demand” but forfeits family joy and intimacy. Family joy and intimacy requires leisure time spent together as a family. Family happiness grows slowly in the soil of leisure time spent talking, laughing, and sharing together.

These two studies really do present a conundrum for the average family. Finding the balance is not simple. I guess we have to ask ourselves a question: “What is more important to me and my family, status or family happiness?” Then choose your lifestyle accordingly…for “what does it profit a man if he gains reputation and status but loses his own family along the way.”

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Building a Purpose-Filled Marriage

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Marriages benefit when partners take the time to reflect on their marriage and establish the driving values of their relationship. Your marriage will grow more intimate when you and your spouse acknowledge your common purpose and the values behind that purpose. Discussing your marital values and purpose will set you marriage on a trajectory of deeper intimacy, love, and joy. Establishing your marital values and purpose does not typically happen by chance. It requires you, as a couple, to intentionally bring your individual values, dreams, and life purpose to light so you can integrate them with your spouse’s. It takes at least four ingredients to develop a strong marital purpose based on your values.

  1. Building a purpose-filled marriage takes HEART. It requires that you sit down as a couple to have a heart to heart in which you courageously discuss your passions and priorities. In other words, you need to reveal the deep passions and dreams of our heart to one another. What are your most cherished values? What are your most important values in regards to marriage? What do you want to reveal through your marriage to inspire your children and those around you? What passions excite you? What dreams call to you? How can you work together to fulfill those dreams and passions? Building a purpose-filled marriage means learning the heart of your spouse and supporting the desire God has placed deep within their heart.
  2. Building a purpose-filled marriage takes EARS. Learning our spouse’s deepest longings requires that we listen to one another deeply and intently. We listen beyond the words to hear the emotions, needs, and passions driving their words. This type of listening builds relational security and enhances intimacy. Intimate communication and mutual cooperation thrive in the midst of this type of listening. You will find your marital purpose becomes more clear and your work toward that purpose more “in-sync” when you learn to listen well.
  3. Building a purpose-filled marriage requires VISION. A purpose-filled marriage looks to the future as well as the present. By looking to the future, a purpose-filled marriage develops direction and keeps a long-term perspective. Vision keeps an eye toward the activities you plan to engage in together, dreams you plan to pursue together, and places you plan to visit together. Keeping this long-term perspective puts daily hassles and minor conflicts into perspective as temporary and requiring resolution so they do not interfere with an exciting and highly anticipated future together.
  4. Building a purpose-driven marriage requires EMBODIMENT. A purpose-filled marriage is more than talking, planning, and dreaming. A purpose-filled marriage is lived out daily. Embody the values. Have fun. Play. Engage. Becoming active in your marriage enhances intimacy. It will help each of you grow as an individual and as a couple. You will learn to work as a team. You will learn to play and have fun, express intimacy and enjoy one another’s dreams. You will learn to resolve conflict and enjoy discussions. You will embody your purpose in your daily life.

Building a purpose-filled marriage is not necessarily easy. It takes heart, ears, vision, and embodiment. But, the dividends are amazing—a long and happy marriage filled with purpose and inspiration.

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A Modest Proposal with Revolutionary Consequences

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I’m not very political. In fact, I tend to avoid most political debates. That being said, who can miss the tumultuous political struggle going on right now? Our nation is in an uproar. Division seems to be at an all-time high. Our nation’s struggle intrudes into our daily life on the news, in the streets, and on our social media. Many of the voices are loud, angry, defensive, accusatory, and even offensive. Somehow we have to find a way to create change, a way to build the kind of nation we all desire. So, I’m going to dip my toe in the pond…and hopefully not stick my foot in my mouth. I have a suggestion, a modest proposal with revolutionary consequences. Under this proposal, every man, woman, and child can become actively engaged, on a daily basis, in creating the nation we all desire. We can all become agents of change, creating an environment in which our communities and our nation can thrive. My modest proposal: Elevate Family and Marriage! Every day do something to strengthen your family and your marriage…and encourage those around you to do the same. Empower one another to build healthy families.

I can hear the skeptics now. “What? That’s it? Where are the revolutionary consequences? How can elevating the family create a thriving nation? We need healthcare. We need a better economy. We need equal rights. We need more than just a happy home.” I told you it was a modest proposal. But, hear me out. Elevating the family does have revolutionary consequences.

  • Elevating the family and marriage will result in greater health. Happily married men and women live longer, healthier lives. They recover more quickly from illnesses and surgeries. They spend less time in hospitals than those who are unmarried or unhappily married. Married people exhibit the lowest rates of mental illness (California Healthy Marriage Coalition). Do you hear it? A consequence of greater health that will decrease health care costs. I know this won’t end the healthcare crisis, but it’s a start. Yet we spend more money on our wedding and honeymoon than we do on learning what it takes to have a healthy marriage. We need to elevate the family.
  • Elevating the family and marriage will result in healthier children, too. Children who live in healthy families are more likely to do well in school and graduate from high school and college. Children from divorced families receive mental health treatment about twice as often as those in healthy families. “The rate of virginity among teenagers at all ages is highly correlated with the presence or absence of married parents.” They are less likely to parent a child as a teen. Living with biological parents reduces the risk of child abuse, too. Children who live in an intact family also exhibit the lowest rate of drug use. They commit significantly fewer crimes. Once again, this won’t alleviate the problems, but it’s a tremendous start. But we invest more money in response to problems than we do in elevating the family that will help prevent the problem in the first place (California Healthy Marriage Coalition).
  • Elevating family and marriage reduces the number of people living in poverty. Economists estimate that individuals within a married couple each have a net worth about twice as great as never-married individuals and divorced individuals. “When it comes to building wealth or avoiding poverty, a stable marriage may be your most important asset” (The Case for Marriage).
  • Healthy families raise girls who become stronger women. Girls who grow up in a healthy, intact family achieve better in school, are less likely to experience teen pregnancy, and experience positive marriages themselves. A father who is present and active in the home broadens a daughter’s perceived career options, aka-helps create an environment in which women will “break the glass ceiling” (The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House).
  • Strong families that promote healthy attachments produce more tolerant people. In fact, one study found that simply priming someone with the name of a person with whom they had a strong attachment led to more tolerant and generous behavior toward a long-standing enemy (Hot Sauce vs. the Power of Relationship).

I think you get the idea. Elevating healthy families and marriages can lead to greater health, more financial stability and less poverty, greater tolerance and acceptance of others, less teen pregnancy, less drug abuse, less abortion, stronger women…. It may not fix all the problems tomorrow. But, it is a great start. Any investment in family is ultimately an investment in our community and our nation. Elevate the family and marriage. It truly is a modest proposal with revolutionary consequences. An amazing aspect of this proposal: you can become engaged in the change right where you stand; and, you can become involved today! So, write your congressman. March in the protests. Vote your values. But, in the process don’t forget to LOVE your spouse. NURTURE your children. ENJOY your extended family. SUPPORT your neighbors’ family and marriage. ENCOURAGE those thinking of marriage to take a premarital class. Read a book to strengthen your own marriage and parenting skills. ELEVATE FAMILY!

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