Tag Archive for marriage

The Blog I (Kinda) Hate to Write

Posted on by 2 comments

Yes, this is the blog I hate to write. I guess I don’t “hate” to write it…I’m just a little reluctant. And I hope my wife doesn’t see it. She likes to dance, but me, well, I’m not really much of a dancer. I mean I danced in the living room with my children when they were young. I’ll do a slow dance with my wife now and again. But all those eyes scare me. I get self-conscious. Still, after reading an article from Greater Good, I might have to change my ways and start to dance. Why? Well…

  • Dancing can improve our sense of well-being and energy. One study completed in 2004 compared the effects of dancing, yoga, and listening to a biology lecture. I thought the biology lecture would come out on top, but dancing and yoga reduced the participants’ stress and negative emotions. Even more, only dance increased positive emotions! In fact, another study showed that only dancing with a partner to music had the effect of reducing cortisol (a stress hormone) in response to the music and increasing testosterone in response to dancing with a partner. Who doesn’t want a greater sense of well-being and energy for themselves AND their spouse?
  • Dancing can also help decrease depression. In fact, a 2012 study split participants into three groups: one group learned the tango, a second group practiced meditation, and a third group remained on a waiting list. The tango and meditation groups both experienced a decrease in depression. But only the dance group experienced a reduction in stress as well. I’d love to engage in an activity that could buffer feelings of depression for myself AND my spouse…wouldn’t you?
  • Dancing can increase intimacy. We get in sync when we dance with people…and it seems to be related to moving together in response to common music. A study in 2016 showed this by splitting participants who danced to music in their headphones into three groups: in one group everyone listened to the same music and learned the same moves; in a second group, participants learned the same moves but listened to different music, and in a third group participants listened to the same music but learned had different moves. Only the group that listened to the same music and learned the same moves felt in sync. They felt closer to one another. They grew more intimate in their relationship. A more intimate relationship—I’m always looking for ways to grow closer to my wife. Sounds like a good option.

A greater sense of well-being, more energy, a decrease in feelings of depression, reduced stress, and greater intimacy…yes, I might have to take up dancing with my spouse. How about you?

Posted in Celebration tagged with , , , ,

Subtle Kindnesses That Will Save Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

Many marriages that end in divorce failed due to a lack of kindness. In fact, research reveals kindness as one of the most important predictors of satisfaction and stability in marriage. It makes each partner feel valued, understood, and validated. I’m not just talking about the grandiose shows of kindness—the big gifts, the beautiful vacations. No, those moments don’t make a marriage. It’s the tiny, often subtle, opportunities for kindness within a marriage that will make or break it. 

Consider the simple kindness of responding to your spouse. Imagine your spouse makes a statement in your presence. It may be a simple question like, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Or it might be a simple statement like, “I think that’s an Oriole. Did you see it?”  Now you have a choice. Will you respond or ignore, acknowledge you heard them or pretend you didn’t hear? Will you shift to focus on your spouse for a moment or maintain your focus on whatever currently has captured your attention?  If you respond, will you do so with interest and enthusiasm or half-heartedly? Or will you respond by diminishing their interest or statement? A classic study by John Gottman found that those who responded with interest 87% of the time were still married after six years. Those who only responded 33% of the time were divorced. In other words, responding with kindness nine out of ten times built a happier, healthier marriage. But responding with kindness only three out of ten times brought the marriage to a crashing end.

It may seem like such a little thing, responding with interest to your spouse’s random statements, but it is a huge act of kindness that will fill your spouse’s emotional bank account with the currency of feeling valued, secure, and worthy.

Another simple kindness that can make or break your marriage involves how you see your spouse…or rather what you look for in your spouse. Kindness calls us to search our home and spouse for the things we can appreciate and express gratitude about. It compels us to search for what our spouse is doing right so we can express appreciation and admiration for them and their actions. That may sound obvious, but I have met too many couples that only criticize one another. They point out what their spouse does wrong, never acknowledging anything they do right. “You unloaded the dishwasher…finally.” “Are you ever going to take out the garbage?” “You never replace the toilet paper.” “I’d let you mop the floor, but you do it so poorly that I just have to redo it.” Unfortunately, those who criticize and complain miss 50% of the positive things their spouses do, and they see negativity when it’s not there, perpetuating a vicious downward cycle of criticism and complaint. Take the time, look around for things you admire in your spouse, things you appreciate about your spouse, and things you can express gratitude to your spouse about. Practice doing these three things every day. In fact, make it a daily habit.

Let me share just one more act of kindness that can make or break your marriage. When your spouse comes home excited to share a piece of good news, how will you respond? Kindness calls us to rejoice with the other person’s success, to enthusiastically connect over the good news. Kindness encourages us to be there for our partner when things are going right for them, not just when things are going poorly. In fact, many say that being available to one another when things are going right is more important to relationship quality than only being there when things are rough. We want to share joys with one another. So, celebrate when your spouse celebrates. Rejoice with them when they rejoice. Get excited for what excites them. Doing so is an act of kindness that can save your marriage.

Posted in Celebration, Grace tagged with , , , , ,

Three Practices to Curb Defensiveness in Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

Defensiveness: one of the John Gottman’s Four Horsemen that spell doom for a marriage. We have all become defensive in our marriages, I’m sure of it. We become defensive when our view of the world or ourselves is threatened: or, when we fear our spouse is seeing us in a way we don’t want to be seen.  Our spouses say something we perceive as a complaint or a criticism about us and we instinctively respond with defensiveness. It’s a kneejerk reaction that can destroy a marriage. It can stem from a simple comment that we perceive as a threat to our pride, one that pushes our buttons or threatens our desire to be right. Rather than pause and take a breath, we jump in to defend ourselves, to save face. Unfortunately, when we become defensive, we also give up the opportunity to learn and grow. We sacrifice both our personal responsibility and our power to nurture a healthier relationship on the altar of our pride.

A healthier response involves humility, becoming humble enough to accept personal responsibility, even in the face of disagreement. This involves at least three practices.

  • Acknowledging our limitations. All of us have flaws. All of us have limited knowledge and limited perspectives. On the other hand, each of our spouses have knowledge and insights we do not have. We may hate to admit it, but our spouses know things we do not know. They understand things we miss. In the midst of a disagreement, it may take an extra dose of humility to admit these truths. Recognizing our own limitations and the wisdom of our spouse can help us avoid defensiveness.
  • Affirm your priorities. Think carefully about what is truly most important in your life? How do you want to be remembered? What gives your life meaning and purpose? I hope family and marriage sit at the top of your priority list, well above self. I pray that you “look out NOT just for your own interests but also the interests of others,” like your spouse and family. I trust that you “love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” When you recognize what your marriage and family mean to you and your life…when you recognize your call to serve them…they will definitely sit near the top, if not at the top, of your priority list. With that in mind, you will strive to protect your marriage and your family rather than entering a defensive mode to protect yourself. Defensiveness builds walls. Accepting responsibility and communication builds bridges. As your spouse rises to the top of your priority list, you become more likely to build bridges than walls.
  • Accept personal responsibility. No one likes to admit when they make a mistake or when they are wrong. I know I don’t. But for the sake of a healthy marriage and personal growth, we need to swallow our pride, acknowledge our wrong, and apologize.  From there we have the power to show the “fruit of repentance” and change.  Amazingly, our spouses will love us all the more when they see we have the humble courage necessary to admit a wrong and change.

These three practices can prove challenging, but consistently practicing them will reap huge dividends in the health of your marriage. You and your spouse will enjoy the joys of a healthy, happy marriage.

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , , , ,

Generosity is Great…But What Kind?

Posted on by Leave a comment

A study completed through the University of Virginia’s Marriage Project looked at the role of generosity in marriage. The researchers asked 2,870 participants how often they behaved generously toward their partners. Those who scored the highest in generosity also reported they were “very happy” in their marriages. The association between generosity and marital happiness was especially strong in couples with children. In other words, generosity is a crucial ingredient for a healthy, happy marriage.

However, there is nuance in generosity that often gets overlooked when we talk of generosity in marriage. The generosity that will strengthen your marriage and provide greater marital happiness is a selfless generosity. I have seen couples in which a person shares material possessions very generously with their spouse but still remains selfish. They give their spouse what they themselves want, not what their spouse wants. Let me offer a simple example. In our imaginary couple, one person really likes chocolate chip cookies, but their spouse likes sugar cookies. When the “chocolate-chip-cookie-loving-spouse” generously offers their “sugar-cookie-loving-spouse” a chocolate chip cookie, they are not seen as generous. The receiving spouse has learned the giving spouse is aware of their cookie preference, but they are not acting on that awareness. As a result, if this practice continues over time, they begin to feel unseen, unrecognized, and unimportant. They begin to feel as though their spouse doesn’t care enough to recognize their preference and act on that preference. They even begin to see their “chocolate-chip-cookie-loving-spouse” as rather selfish, always thinking only about their own desires, their own likes, and their own interests while ignoring the “sugar-cookie-loving-spouse.”

I know…it’s a silly example. But multiply it by any number of other examples where selfish generosity can show up, like–the TV show each one likes, the type of conversation each one enjoys, the type of food, the activity, the restaurant, the clothes, the time of your availability…the list goes on. When we “generously give” our spouse what we want or what we believe they need, our generosity becomes an act of self-focused egocentrism and loses its power to create intimacy. “Selfish generosity” becomes the deathbed of a marriage while true generosity becomes lifegiving. So, let me ask you: are you generous within your marriage? Even more to the point, are you selfless in your generosity within your marriage…or selfish?

Posted in Celebration, Grace tagged with , ,

The Power of a Simple Thank You

Posted on by Leave a comment

When encouraging married couples to express gratitude to one another, one or both of them often asks, “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should do anyway?” For one thing, because every thank you is a deposit in the Family Bank of Honor…and every deposit strengthens your marriage. For a second reason, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores. And now, a 15-month study from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign offers another compelling reason to express gratitude to your spouse. This study examined the impact of expressing gratitude and perceiving gratitude on a couple’s relationship. The couples were observed over a 15-month period and completed surveyed three times: once at the beginning of the 15 months, once at 8 months, and once at the end of the 15 months. Each survey gathered information about the couple’s level of arguing, conflict resolution, expressions of gratitude, perceived gratitude, and financial strain. Based on the surveys, the researchers shared several interesting findings.

  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were more satisfied with their relationship.
  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were also more confident in the future of their relationship.
  • They also reported fewer discussions or even thoughts about breaking up.
  • Higher levels of perceived gratitude buffered the individual and couple against the stress of financial strain and ineffective arguing. In other words, perceiving that your partner appreciates you (perceived gratitude) contributed to feeling less stressed about financial strain or ineffective arguing.  (Expressed gratitude did not have this effect.)

In other words, if you want to maintain a high level of satisfaction in your marriage, express gratitude to your spouse AND recognize when they express gratitude to you. In fact, make the expression of gratitude a hallmark of your relationship, a daily practice of identifying opportunities to express gratitude and then doing so. Not only will this increase your marital satisfaction, it will also help you manage the stress of finances and disagreements more effectively. To put it simply…. “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should be doing anyway?” Because it makes for a happier, healthier, and more intimate marriage.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , , ,

The Kindness Connection

Posted on by Leave a comment

We all experience days of sorrow, and, if you’re like me, maybe even periods of feeling down-right depressed. These periods can impact our marriages and our families. What can you do about those times when you’re feeling down? A study conducted at Ohio State University and entitled Healing through helping: an experimental investigation of kindness, social activities, and reappraisal as well-being interventions (read review here) offers an amazing solution. This study divided 122 people into three groups.

  • One group planned social activities for two days a week and participated in those activities.
  • A second group kept records of their thoughts for at least two days a week, identifying negative thought patterns and revising them in a way that could reduce anxiety and depression.
  • A third group performed three acts of kindness two days each week, three on each day. These acts of kindness could be “big or small acts that benefit others or make others happy, typically at some cost to you in terms of time or resources.”

Participants chosen exhibited moderate to severe symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress at the start of the study. After engaging in their assigned activities for five weeks, they were evaluated again. Then, after an additional five weeks (that’s 10 weeks after the start of the study), the participants were evaluated to see if the interventions remained effective.

All the participants showed greater life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety after 10 weeks. Although all the interventions led to improvement, engaging in acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did changing one’s thoughts. And, most importantly, engaging in acts of kindness resulted in greater social connection than either of the other two groups. People engaging in acts of kindness felt more socially connected than did those in the other two groups and social connection is crucial for our long-term well-being.

What does this have to do with marriage? Well, here’s the thing: marriage will flourish when we have a deep connection. Depression and anxiety can weaken that connection…as can busyness or distraction. You can change how you think and make your spouse and marriage a greater priority…and that will help. You can also plan some outings with your spouse, things like dates and family outings. That will also help. But if you really want to grow more deeply connected with your spouse, practice acts of kindness on a regular basis. After all, acts of kindness led to even greater life satisfaction and even fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety than did simply changing one’s thoughts. AND it led to greater social connection. Who doesn’t want a deeper connection with their spouse? So, engage in acts of kindness. In the study, they did this only two days a week. I suggest you find a way to show kindness to your spouse every day. Make it a daily habit. It’s not that hard. Show politeness. Help around the house. Do them a favor. Give them a drink. (If you get stuck for ideas, read 31 Acts of Kindness to Strengthen Your Marriage.) Focus on being kind in your actions and words. You will experience a growing sense of connection you will both enjoy.

Posted in Grace tagged with , , ,

Don’t “Blow Up” Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

None of us want to “blow up” our marriage. But too many of us do “blow up” our marriage before we even realize it. How? By spending too much time on our cell phones, getting too caught up in social media, spending too much time scrolling. The “technical” term for this is technoference. It sounds benign, but the time spent on social media distracts from potential time with our spouses and families. It can lead to disconnection…and disconnection can lead to the “blow up.” It’s a dangerous pattern: distraction “blowing up” into disconnection that may “blow up” into dissolution or divorce. In fact, one survey (See Opinion: The biggest weapon of mass distraction in marriage? Your cellphone) found 62% of respondents felt technoference was a problem in their family. 45% thought it a problem in their marriage. 48% of respondents wished their spouse spent less time on their cellphone and more time with their children. Cell phones and the related technoference are blowing up our marriages.

A study conducted by the Mental Health Research and Treatment Center at Ruhr-Universitat Bochum offers a remedy to combat the effects of technoference. They confirmed the effectiveness of this remedy in a study involving 642 volunteers randomly assigned to one of four groups:

  • Group one reduced social media consumption by 30 minutes a day for two weeks.
  • Group two increased physical activity by 30 minutes a day for two weeks.
  • Group three replaced 30 minutes a day of social media consumption with 30 minutes of physical activity.
  • Group four didn’t change a thing.

Before the two weeks, during the two weeks, and six months after the two weeks, participants responded to online surveys about social media use, physical activity, satisfaction with life, subjective feelings of happiness, depressive symptoms, and cigarette consumption.

The results? Immediately after the two weeks of changed behavior, the groups reducing social media use (group one) and the groups increasing physical activity (group two) showed a positive increase in a person’s sense of well-being. A positive result, but the group that replaced social media use with physical activity (group three) showed an even broader positive result. This group experienced an increase in satisfaction with life, an increase in feelings of happiness, and a reduction in symptoms of depression.  Even better, these effects were still present 6 months later!

Interestingly, 6 months after the two-week behavior change, participants still spent less time on social media. Those that either reduced social media use or increased physical activity had reduced their social media use by 30 minutes at the six-month point. Those who had replaced 30 minutes of social media use with physical activity spent 45 minutes less time on social media and an hour and 39 minutes more in physical activity than they had prior to the experiment.

What does that have to do with your marriage? Less time on social media means less opportunity to phub your spouse, less jealousy, and more quality time with your spouse. To receive the full benefit seen in this study, replace those 30 minutes of cell phone usage with 30 minutes of physical activity with your spouse—go for a walk together, jog together, ride your bike and have a picnic together—anything to get physically active…together. Then, after two weeks take a personal inventory about how you feel personally and in your relationship with your spouse. You might feel so good about yourself and your relationship that you’ll keep it up as a part of life. I hope so. So don’t let technoference “blow up” your marriage. Accept a two-week challenge to replace 30 minutes of cell phone usage with physical activity with your spouse and see how it impacts your marriage. ENJOY your marriage, not your phone.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , , ,

2 Lies I Hear About Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

Over the years, I have heard many lies about marriage. In counseling couples, the lies I hear are often justifications of what the person really intends to do or a pleading for the other person to step up and show their love. There are two lies I have heard most often though.

  1. Marriage is hard work.
  2. Marriage shouldn’t be so hard. If it’s this hard it must mean we’re not meant to be together.

Both statements are lies…half-truths at best. Let me explain.

  1. “Marriage is hard work.” Marriage is not meant to be “hard work.” You’re not meant to go to bed tired because you “worked on your marriage all day.”  In reality, we do not need to work on our marriage; we need to work on ourselves. We need to do the personal work necessary to grow in our ability to be aware of our spouse’s emotions, needs, and desires.

We need to work to grow more humble—humble enough to allow our spouse to influence us, humble enough to admit when we are wrong, humble enough to change in ways that will please our spouse and make us more mature individuals.

We need to work at developing an attitude of adoration for others (including our spouses) rather than become jealous of others (including our spouses). We need to work on practicing gratitude for even the smallest gestures of love and the smallest gifts of life. 

We need to work at improving our ability to listen…deeply and intently listen. That will require listening to ourselves as well as others. Which means we need to work at becoming totally honest with ourselves as well as others. It’s hard to be honest with others when we can’t even be honest with ourselves. Self-honesty demands work.

Growing more mature, becoming a person of greater integrity, is hard and demanding work. But, when you do the hard work of becoming a more mature individual, you have more to offer your spouse and your marriage. You can more easily manage disagreements and struggles as they arise. You can respect and maintain boundaries. You can communicate. When you do the hard work of maturing as an individual, marriage is not so much hard work. In fact, the best marriages are made up of two people who have done, and continue to do, the hard work of personal growth. For them, marriage is a blessing, icing on the cake, the joy that makes the hard work of personal growth well worth the effort.

  • “Marriage is easy.” It may sound contradictory after I just said marriage is not hard work, but marriage is not “easy” either. Marriage is not “easy,” it’s an investment. No investment is “easy.” Investments require sacrifice. A good investment means we have to give up one thing in the moment to gain a greater dividend in the future. For instance, we may give up the short-term pleasure of a weekend hunting trip or a weekend with the girls to gain the long-term security of an intimate marriage. That kind of investment requires us to do the personal work of growing as an individual. Marriage is an investment that requires sacrifice. 

Marriage is not “easy,” it’s intentional. In healthy marriages, both partners intentionally determine to invest in their marriage. We intentionally invest in becoming a team with our spouse. We operate as a team. We communicate as a team. We think like a team. It’s no longer “me” and “my” but “we” and “us” in life.

Marriage is not “easy,” it’s a lifestyle of commitment. In marriage, we commit to our marriage and our spouse. We develop a lifestyle filled with routines that elevate and prioritize our marriage. This lifestyle becomes our “norm.”  That’s not hard. It’s “normal.” Sure, it comes with its share of struggles now and again. Those struggles point us back to our need to work on our individual maturity, our growing ability to intentionally invest in a lifestyle of nurturing our marriage. Ultimately, marriage is not hard nor is it easy. It is an intentional investment that becomes our lifestyle…and ultimately it becomes our greatest joy.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

A Quiet Threat to Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

It can happen so easily, quietly, subtly. We are happily married and enjoying our lives together when the busy-ness of daily life creeps up on us. The rush and pressure of work, children, community activities, and finances encroaches on our lives; and, in the midst of the busy-ness and pressure we take for granted that our spouse loves as and will always be there for us. We forget little niceties, like saying “thank you” or “please.” We fail to greet one another after a day apart and instead remain absorbed in whatever activity—cooking, watching TV, yard work, playing games—has our immediate attention. We become so preoccupied with our own demanding schedule that we neglect to ask about our spouse’s day. All this happens slowly, over time, and without any awareness. But, if left unchecked, each person “suddenly” begins to feel distant, even unloved. Their marriage falls apart as one or both spouses feel unappreciated, unloved, and unimportant to the other.

There is a remedy for this quiet threat. In fact, it is a rather simple fix. It begins with remembering. Remember when love was young and start doing what you did then. Remember when you were dating or even newlyweds? You probably made intentional effort to impress your spouse with your politeness and kindness. You asked them about their day…and listened attentively to their answer. You engaged in even the smallest gestures of affection as often as possible. Remember? Do those things again. Intentionally put in the effort to do the things you did when love was young.

  • Each morning, ask your spouse about their plans for the day.
  • Each evening, talk about your day with your spouse. And listen to your spouse talk of their day.
  • Take 20-minutes each day to talk with one another about your lives as individuals and as a couple and a family. Talk about current events. Talk about your dreams. Talk about your concerns. Talk.
  • Each day, as you go your separate ways AND when you reunite, give one another a genuine hug and kiss. Not a peck on the cheek, a kiss.
  • Each day, look for opportunities to thank your spouse for what they do for you, your children, and your home. Thank them verbally or in writing every chance you get.
  • Each day, verbally acknowledge something you admire or adore about your spouse.

Do each of these simple actions on a daily basis for the next 2 weeks, that’s 14 days. Even in that short time, you’ll begin to see your relationship grow stronger and more intimate. Then, make each of these actions a meaningful, daily ritual of connection with your spouse.  Make them a normal part of your everyday life. As you do, you’ll protect your marriage from the quiet threat of busy-ness and nurture a healthy, happy marriage for a lifetime.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , ,

Just Because

Posted on by Leave a comment

Maybe you and your spouse are in the same boat as my wife and me. In fact, I’m pretty sure you are. We are different people. We have unique strengths and interests…which makes keeping the marriage boat on course a tricky venture at times. In our case:

  • I am an introvert. My wife is more of an extrovert.
  • My wife acts decisively and gets things done right away. I move slowly and think long before I even start.
  • My wife likes olives. I like brussel sprouts.
  • My wife loves a “chick flick.” I watch horrible “b-rated” Scifi movies & fantasy movies.
  • My wife loves photography. I love music.

You get the idea. We are different people. We each have unique interests and unique strengths. Those differences have the power to shape our relationship. They can pull us apart or pull us together. If we each go our separate ways to pursue our unique interests and goals, our differences will pull us apart. But if we share each other’s interests and goals, they will tie us more intimately together. In fact, our unique strengths and interests provide fertile soil for nurturing growth as an individual and as a couple.  For instance, my wife and I both enjoy hiking, but she moves much quicker than I do. Now, she takes her camera to photograph our experience, which slows her pace some. As a result, our paces match up more easily and we both enjoy nature and conversation on our hike together. On the other hand, my wife accompanies me to some music “meetups” where I can enjoy playing along with the group and she enjoys listening. We enjoy our time together in both experiences.

Our differences also allow us to learn and grow as individuals. For instance, my wife’s extroverted nature has taught me to enjoy a get together—the joy of talking with people and learning about them. Her ability to plan has allowed us to have more experiences on a vacation than I would have ever had alone.

Our differences also present a wonderful opportunity to express our love for one another. We can do things “just because” we know our spouse will enjoy it.  I can plan a get together for my wife…just because she enjoys a get together and I enjoy seeing her happy. I can watch the “chick flick,” just because she likes a “chick flick” and I enjoy spending time with her. I can purchase photography equipment for my wife’s birthday just because she likes photography and I enjoy watching her create. She does the same for me, enjoying things I enjoy just because I enjoy them, and she enjoys spending time with me.

Our differences have the power to nurture a deeper relationship. By appreciating and enjoying our spouse’s different interests, strengths, and goals, we express our love for one another, learn about one another, and become more intimate with one another. How will you enjoy your spouse’s unique interests and goals today? How will you allow your differences to draw you into a more intimate relationship with your spouse?

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , , ,
« Older Entries Recent Entries »