Tag Archive for children

3 Blessings From Family Camp-2013

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This weekend we attended Family Camp at Camp Christian (click here for info on Camp Christian). Jim and Terri Jones (camp deans) organized another wonderful weekend of family time and learning. The speaker this year was Rob Grandi (for more about Rob, click here). He spoke to us about giving a blessing to our families and sang several songs of blessing as well. We had a wonderful weekend—the weather was good, the time was relaxing, the fellowship was awesome, and the teaching was excellent. Each year, I like to share a few things I learned at family camp; so, here are 3 blessings I received from Family Camp this year.

     1.   A new bridge is being constructed at the entry way to camp—the foundation of the old bridge was falling apart. Right now, the new supports are in and the foundation is up. However, the platform of the bridge is yet to be added. This weekend we learned about giving a blessing to our family—about valuing each family member enough to serve them and honoring them enough to verbally share how much we value them. That sounds like the foundation of a family, the supports that make it possible for a family to travel over the white waters of life and make it safely to the other side. Giving a blessing builds a stable foundation of intimacy and love. It supports a bridge that leads to a mature sense of personal value and acceptance. Even the bridge to camp told the lesson of a blessing!


2.   Children are one of our greatest blessings! We enjoyed the company of many children at camp this weekend…children of all ages. We even had a visit from the “world’s oldest camper” who is but a child at heart. We have now attended 11-years of family camp and had the joy of watching several children “grow up” into mature young adults. It is a beautiful blessing to see these young adults now passing on the tradition of blessing younger children with their attention, affection, and service. To those young adults who remain so active in the lives of all those attending family camp, thank you for your persistent faith; thank you for carrying forward the tradition of family camp; and thank you for sharing a tradition of loving family with the next generations. You have built a bridge over the gap of age to give us hope and confidence for the future.


3.   Our lives often come with pain and troubles. However, when those difficulties arise we have our church family. Each year, I come to better realize the importance of my church family. Our church family provides support through various difficulties and joins us in celebrating our successes and transitions. Our church family touches the lives of our children and helps them grow. As Family Camp so eloquently communicated this year, our church family blesses us in innumerable ways. So, if you find yourself in a “season of trial,” turn to your church family. Let your family support you and guide you through this difficult time. Realize there are those in our church family who have crossed the bridge over this troubled time before you. They can help you avoid some pitfalls along the way. Let them support the bridge as you cross it today…and hold you secure as you step onto the “other side.” Yes, our church family is a tremendous blessing.

 

We learned many more lessons at family camp, some we learned as a group and some we learned individually. If you attended family camp, you might want to share a lesson you learned in the comment section below. Thank Jim and Terri for putting together an incredible weekend. Thanks Rob Grandi for the inspiring music and lessons. Thanks to the band for a great worship time.  I hope more of you can join us next year!

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The Secret Soil of Growing Healthy Children

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Shhhh…I have something to tell you, a tip to help you raise healthy, mature children. Here it is: the seeds of maturity grow best in the rich soil of acceptance. I know, it is not a great revelation, but, it is true nonetheless. The soil of acceptance nourishes an inner feeling of being loved and lovable. It encourages a strong root system in which a realistic self-concept, healthy independence, and effective problem-solving skills can intertwine. A child bursting forth from the nutrient rich soil of acceptance is confident to grow strong and straight; empowered to reach for their true capabilities and potentials in the midst of prevailing winds, storms, or obstacles; and free to branch off in new and better directions in response to loving guidance and discipline.

 

Planted in the rocky clay of rejection, children grow twisted and gnarled with bitterness, anger, and feelings of inferiority. Without the nourishment of acceptance, children develop a weak root system plagued by a shallow view of their capabilities, a limited strength to withstand the pressures of life, and restricted ability to absorb the resources needed to support and sustain them in time of drought. They become hedged in by a lack the confidence and find it impossible to stand tall. They grow twisted, bending in whatever direction the winds blow.

 

Yes, the seeds of maturity grow best in the rich soil of acceptance. But this raises a difficult question. Our children will engage in behaviors we find unacceptable. And, when we express rejection of those behaviors, our children might see it as rejection of them. So, how can we make sure our children know we accept them while telling them we do not approve of unacceptable behaviors? First, make sure you truly do have an attitude of acceptance toward your children. Are you accepting of their interests, even when their interests are different than yours? Are you accepting of their likes and dislikes, even when they differ from yours? Take time to really assure your acceptance of your children’s unique interests, strengths, likes, and dislikes.

 

Second, express acceptance in as many ways and as often as you can. As parents, we need to express acceptance more than disapproval. Learn about their interests and get involved in some of them. Learn about their world. Meet their friends. Talk about their music. Show an interest in anything that interests them. Still, be honest with yourself and your children. If you find one of their interests boring, you don’t have to fake excitement; but, you can still express a curiosity in that interest as a way to learn about your child. Take time to learn about that interest: what makes it interesting to them? How did that interest develop? Who else enjoys that interest? How could you learn more about it…enough to enable you to carry on an intelligent conversation with your child about that interest? Doing so will let your children know you are interested in them as a person…and, you might just discover a growing interest yourself! John Gottman talks about a 5-1 ratio of positive to negative experiences in healthy relationships. With that ratio in mind, work to express acceptance of your child at least five times more often then you express disapproval of unacceptable behavior. This may take work at times, but the results are well worth the effort. 

 

The seeds of maturity grow best in the rich soil of acceptance. So pour on the soil of acceptance, keep it rich and keep it deep.

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The Lazy Days of Summer

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Remember those school-free days of summer you enjoyed as a child? I could not wait until summer arrived and I could relax during the long, lazy days of summer. I could swim, ride my bike, play with friends, go on a family vacation, sleep, and walk around town…the list seemed endless. Well, the list of possibilities seemed endless when summer began. Sometime in July, though, I began to get bored. My friends went on vacation at different times than I did. Riding my bike to the same old place day after day just lost its luster. Although I enjoy my sleep, you cannot sleep all the time. Besides, without air conditioning in the house it generally got too hot to enjoy sleep. That’s when I would hear it…the same old line every summer. I would approach my mother and say, “Mom, I’m bored.” She would look at me and smile before saying, “Well, find something to do.” That was not the answer I was looking for. I was hoping for a little relief…some direction…some sage advice that would direct me to the next exciting, over-the-top activity. But no, I’d just hear a simple, “Well, find something to do.”
 
As I look back, I realize what a great favor my mother did for me when she told me “find something to do.” She let me know that my boredom did not control me. I controlled it. It was under my power to be bored or not to be bored. Psychologists call the sense that “I have some control over events in my life” an internal locus on control. By throwing the responsibility for my boredom back on me rather than giving me something to do, my mother instilled an internal locus on control in me. This sense of control came in handy when I went to college. I knew that I had the control needed to manage my time. I could allow myself some boredom or I could find something to do. I did not have to rely on my peers for activities. I could decide for myself.
 
“Well, find something to do” also encouraged me to discover, get creative, and take some healthy risks. Sometimes I would do something unusual when allowed to “find something to do.” Maybe I could go for a bike ride, call a friend, mow the grass, go for a walk, or build mud pies. Many times, I chose to walk or ride my bike. In the process, I found interesting spiders, unusual leaves, and short cuts (adventures to a middle school child) to various places. I found my first record store while “finding something to do.” I learned how to “jump” my bike off a ramp and how to throw little green apples off the end of a stick. I found friends to ice skate with and I learned to skate backwards. I discovered what I could do, what I needed help with, and what I didn’t even want to try because my mother was kind enough to tell me to “find something to do.”
 
I also learned to entertain myself. I learned that I could have fun listening to music, playing music, reading, building, creating (I have to admit, my parents were less than happy with some of my creations—like the washtub bass I built), or just walking through the neighborhood watching people. I also learned that it is alright to be bored once in a while. Boredom did not kill me. In fact, boredom created the space for me to think and contemplate the world and the people in the world.
 
I realize we do not want to leave our children to their boredom all the time. But, boredom has its place…just as supervision and guidance do. Boredom encourages the development of many positive traits, like an internal locus of control, independent decision-making, discovery, time-management, and creativity. These traits come in handy when our children are faced with the peer pressures of high school and the sudden freedom of college. So, do your children a favor this summer. When they approach you to say, “I’m bored,” don’t tell them what to do. Don’t schedule their every waking moment. Simply reply by saying, “Excellent! Now you have a great opportunity to find something to do.”
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Children, Perspective-Taking, & A Soccer Game

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My wife and I were playing ball with our 3 1/2-year-old daughter. We rolled the ball, bounced the ball, threw the ball…you know the drill. At one point, my wife ran inside to do something. I suggested to my daughter that we “hide the ball from Mommy” and ask her to find it when she returned. With a twinkle in her eye, my daughter agreed to the new game. We carefully hid the ball and waited. As my wife approached, I asked my daughter where she thought her mother would look for the ball. With great confidence, she replied that Mommy would look right where the ball was hidden even though she had no way of knowing where we hid it. Why did my daughter (a bright 3 1/2-year-old girl) believe her mom would know where the ball was? Because children this age believe everyone thinks like them. They believe that everyone sees the world in the same way they see the world. If my daughter knew where the ball was hidden, so would her mother. She could not put herself in her mother’s shoes and see through her eyes. At this young age, there is only one way to see the world…my way!
 
Fortunately, my daughter has not stayed this way for life. Everyone needs to develop the ability to take another person’s perspective in order to build empathy, compassion, and consideration. But, learning perspective-taking does not happen overnight. Just consider the game of soccer. Imagine this scenario, a scenario that exemplifies the perspective-taking required to play a position and work together as a team. One player dribbles the ball down the field. 1) From his perspective, he sees the goal as well as the opponent between him and the goal. He observes his opponent react to his various moves; and… 2) from his opponents’ perspective, he notices himself fading left and begins to follow that lead. 3) From the goalie’s perspective, he “watches” himself moving toward the left side of the goal. 4) From his teammate’s perspective, he sees an open net as the goalie is hanging toward the left side of the net and his team mate is on the right. After quickly assessing the field from his own perspective as well as the perspective of his opponent, the goalie, and his teammate, he can choose whether to pass to his team mate or take a shot. A 5-year-old simply cannot do this. The 5-year-old can only see the field through his eyes and his eyes only…his own perspective. So, where does the team of 5-year-old players stand on the field?  They hover over the ball. They have only one perspective–that of them and the ball. One goal–kick the ball in the goal. They cannot understand the concept of playing a position or working as a team because they cannot see the game through the eyes anyone but themselves.
 
Even at 9-years-old a child has difficulty taking the kind of perspective needed to play a position and work naturally as a team. I recall one coach screaming at his team of 9-year-olds to “stay in position.” He spent the majority of the game yelling at his players to stay in position, but they kept “forgetting” and falling out of position to get the ball. These 9-year-old players were not being obstinate or disobedient. They were simply not developmentally ready to understand the benefit of remaining in position. Since they still could not consistently see things from another person’s point of view, they could not understand the benefit of playing a position. They will definitely learn from simple prompts to remain in position at this age. (I must add, though, that screaming at them is ineffective. In fact, screaming at children only scrambles their brains and decreases their ability to think calmly.) Zoom ahead and we find that the players at 10 or 11-years-old begin to “stay in position.” They work as a team because they can see the field through one another’s eyes, one another’s perspective. And, it only two 10 or 11 years! 
 
Fast forward just one more time to adolescence. The adolescent constantly sees herself through the eyes of others. She melts down in response to a “bad hair day” or a minor skin blemish on her face because “everyone will see it.” Suddenly, through the eyes of perspective taking on steroids, every minor flaw and small action takes on overwhelming impact…”everyone will notice,” “everyone will laugh.”
 
Why do I tell you all this? Why run through this little developmental storyline about learning to see the world through other people’s eyes? Because I need constant reminders to base my expectations for a child on their developmental ability. Perhaps you will benefit from this reminder as well. We cannot expect our 4-year-olds to understand another person’s point of view the same way our 16-year-old might. This is true when you think about perspective taking in sports, sharing, showing compassion, resolving disagreements, and even social interactions. Although we cannot demand more perspective taking than our child is developmentally able to give, we still want to teach them the benefits of seeing another person’s point of view and how to do so. After all, taking the time to see the world from another person’s perspective opens up the possibility for true empathy and compassion. It contributes to the ability to negotiate and compromise. It leads to consideration of others and acts of kindness that other people can truly appreciate. So, how do we build perspective taking abilities in our children? As they used to say at the end of Batman…”Tune in next time…same bat station…same bat time…” for 4 ways to promote perspective taking in your children.
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3 Things Grace-Filled Parents Give Up

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Grace–the unmerited and generous giving of ourselves to another with no expectation of repayment. In many ways, effective parenting flows out of grace. We give things up so our children might have more. We give of our time, our resources and our energy knowing that, if we do this successfully, our children will leave us and live a life independent of us. Sometimes, however, our own tightly held desires and expectations interfere with grace as we burden our children with our unfulfilled dreams. Our personal fears eclipse our ability to help our children identify their personal strengths and build a unique life based on those personal strengths. We desperately hold on to expectations and personal dreams, molding our children in the image of our desire rather than helping them discover their best self, created in the image of God. To really parent with grace, we have to give up the self-focused dreams and expectations we might hold. For instance, as grace-filled parents, we…
     1.      Give up our self-focused dreams and expectations and encourage our children to build dreams based on their own desires and abilities. At times, parents attempt to live out their own dreams through their children. Or, parents might act out of an expectation that their children show talent in all areas. They demand that their children achieve success academically, athletically, artistically, emotionally, and socially. Such expectations and demands make it the teens duty to “bring glory and reassurance to the family” by accomplishing “success.” Grace-filled parents give up these extreme expectations and dreams. They help their children define success based on their unique talents, strengths, and desires… even if that means their child pursues a career different than their own.
 
     2.      Give up our fear of rejection. Children grow older and become teens. Teens mature and become young adults. The process of “growing up” and maturing involves separating from parents, differentiating from parents, finding “my individuality,” become “my own person.” This involves making independent decisions and establishing an independent life, distancing from parents. Sometimes, this feels like rejection to a parent. “They’re more interested in their friends than family.” “They just want to do their own thing.” At times, a teen may turn away from their parent, insult their parent, or even demean their parent in their effort to define themselves as an independent person. If parents, in response to a fear of rejection, attempt to hold on tighter through demands and rules, their child will rebel more. Instead, give up your fear of rejection. Allow your child to separate from you and develop an independent life. Put faith in your child and what you taught them during their childhood. Lean into your loving relationship with them and love them. Allow them to explore and talk with you about their exploration. Accept them, even when you feel rejected.
 
     3.      Give up worries about our children’s future. Our society operates on the lie of “diminishing resources.” It tells us that our children “mortgage their future” with imperfect transcripts or test scores, less than constant immersion in scheduled activities, and only basic achievements on their college resume. Our children are so harried and rushed that they have little time for trial and error, unstructured activities, or periods of “bad attitudes.” They feel the constant pressure of achievement, success, and accomplishment. Unfortunately, we, as parents, can add to these feelings, or…we can give up our fear about our children’s future and focus on giving them our loving acceptance. We can put more effort into teaching our children how to enjoy and balance life than in building a college resume. Most importantly, we can focus more on enjoying a relationship with our children than we focus on coaching them to meet cultural expectations of success.
 
These are not simple tasks in today’s culture of adrenaline rush, performance orientation, and addiction to achievement. However, truly grace-filled parents will work to give up selfish expectations, inflated fears of personal rejection, and personal worries about their children’s future. What we give up, we replace with loving acceptance and guidance, a listening ear and empathetic response, and, ultimately, an encouraging but gentle push toward independence.
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