Tag Archive for affection

Are You Giving Your Family A Mud Bath?

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I remember giving my children baths when they were infants. They loved to play with the bubbles and the little toys we put in the tub. Sometimes, we would come home from a hard day of play and they would be so filthy a bath just wouldn’t cut it. You know the days: days when you and your children come home covered with sweat, dust, and even mud. I recall having my daughter in a child-seat on the back of my bicycle while we rode through mud puddles…laughing as mud splashed up all over us. We had a great time, but left for home covered in mud. When we got home, we did not just plop her in clean bath water. First, we rinsed all the mud off. Then we rinsed the mud out of the tub. Only after completing both of those tasks did we fill the tub up with fresh water and allow her to bath. After all, who would wash their child in a muddy tub? 
 
Even though we would never bathe our children in a mud puddle or a tub filled with mud, we sometimes shower our family with muddy, offensive words. Every day we bathe our children and our spouse in our spoken word. Each time we shower them with words, we pour patterns of thought into their lives that shapes how they see themselves, their family, and even the world around them. Words, like water, can gently wash away the hurt, pain, and shame of mistakes, misunderstanding, and even sin. On the other hand, words have the power to erode a person’s self-confidence and drown them in shame, disgrace, anger, and fear. So, in what kind of words do you bathe your family?
 
·         Do you bathe your family in sensitive words of love and affection? Or, do you shower them with insensitive words and rationalize it because of your anger?
·         Do you shower your family with words of gratitude and respect? Or, do you flood them with disrespect and criticism?
·         Do you bathe your family in words of encouragement and appreciation? Or, do you send torrents of crass, demeaning words through your home?
·         Do you bathe your family in loving words of accountability? Or, do you sprinkle derogatory, shame inducing words on family members who misbehave?
·         Do you take your family to movies or places where words of purity, integrity, and value wash over their minds and hearts? Or, do you take your family to places where they find themselves submerged in words of animosity, selfishness, and impurity?
 
Paul, writing to the Ephesians, suggested that husbands be like Christ, who washed and cleansed His Bride in water by His word. Christ cleanses us with His word. Will we do the same? We can change our family for better or worse with the words we allow to wash over them, whether those words come from us or the environments to which we take them. Cleansing our family with loving, affectionate, and sensitive words can revolutionize a family… not just for today but for generations to come!
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Six A’s of Parenting

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Josh McDowell, in The Disconnected Generation, gives six ways to treat children that are crucial to effective parenting. These six points are not daily actions, but attitudes. They represent how we can effectively relate to our children; and, these points of relating become absolutely essential to raising emotionally and spiritually healthy children. I want to share these six attitudes with you because I believe they truly can make each of us a better parent.

     ·         Affirmation. Children need affirmation. They need parents who will rejoice with them when they rejoice and mourn with them when they mourn. Doing so validates their feelings and communicates that we value them. As parents we will find that listening to and understanding our children’s feelings allows us to connect with them. After we connect in this way, we are in a better position to address their concerns, teach values, and encourage appropriate decision making.

·         Acceptance. Children need to know that we accept them…unconditionally, just as they are. We accept our children based on who they are, not based on performance. Children feel secure when they know we accept them for who they are, not whether they perform well, succeed, or become like us. Ultimately, acceptance gives children a secure base from which they can explore the world.

·         Appreciation. Children blossom when they know their parents appreciate them. Parents can express appreciation for their children in private or in public, in written word or in spoken word, with physical gestures or a simple wink. When we appreciate our children, they gain a sense of significance and come to know that their efforts make a difference. Take note that acceptance needs to precede appreciation. In fact, appreciation without complete and unconditional acceptance is manipulation. So, practice accepting your children as they are…appreciate them for the “natural bent” of who they are. Also, make sure to appreciate their effort more than their accomplishments.

·         Affection. Children crave affection. Loving words and appropriate touch communicates affection to our children. It informs them that they are worth loving; that they are lovable. If parents do not provide loving words and affectionate touch, children will seek it elsewhere, often “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Demonstrate affection in your marriage as well as toward your children. The affection that children see modeled in your marriage gives them a sense of security in the family. It also sets an example of godly, loving affection they can emulate in their lives.

·         Availability. Children need parents who remain available to them—emotionally, mentally, and physically. When parents value their children enough to remain available to them, children gain a sense of importance. Remaining available to our children takes time. In fact, Josh McDowell notes that children spell love “T-I-M-E.” Show your children how much you love them by remaining available to talk with them, play with them, give them a hug, listen to them, or just “hang out” with them on a regular basis.   

·         Accountability. Parents also hold children accountable. By holding children accountable, we give them a sense of responsibility. We hold our children accountable for their actions and their words. We hold them accountable to completing tasks that support the family (chores). We hold them accountable to expectations and living by the values we cherish. At the same time, we balance rules with relationships. Rules and accountability without relationships leads to rebellion. Relationships without rules, on the other hand, lead to irresponsibility. Healthy accountability provides both rules and relationship.

As you practice these six A’s of parenting, you will find your children grow in maturity. They will become responsible young people who value other people’s opinions and rights as much as their own. You will have the joy of seeing them practice loving boundaries with themselves and others.
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6 Ingredients to Satisfy Your Children’s Hunger for Security

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Do you know what children hunger for most? Security—the kind that flows from relationship. More than anything, children want to know they are secure in their parents’ love and affection. They long to know the security of unconditional acceptance in their parents’ lives. If this hunger goes unsatisfied, children remain restless. They go on the prowl, constantly on the lookout for a relationship that provides acceptance, love, and affection. They will search through the cupboards of community, school, peer groups, and social clubs to find it; and most likely “find it in all the wrong places.” In their restless search, they will struggle with feelings of insignificance, find themselves taken advantage of, and still come up hungry for the security that only a family can provide. How can you satisfy this hunger for security that drives your children? Let me suggest 6 ingredients to satisfy your children’s hunger for security.
 
     1.      Listen. Don’t lecture. Don’t jump in to solve the problem. Listen. Listen with your ears to hear the words and their tone of voice to hear the emotion. Take time to not only understand what they say but what they mean as well. Listen with your eyes. Observe their facial expression and body so you can better understand the emotion behind the words. Finally, listen with your actions as you respond to the need expressed. If they express a need for assistance, assist them. If they express a need to be heard, hear them. If they express a need for acknowledgement, offer praise and congratulations.
 
    2.      Catch ’em in the act…of doing something good. When you do, give voice to your pride. Let them hear the words, “I’m proud of you.” Express your pride in private and in public. You can speak your words of pride or write them in a note. Either way, let them know that you are proud of the person they have become, the effort they put forth, the growth you observe, the positive behavior they engage in, and the good decisions they have made. Even Jesus received the praise of His Father. Take the time to acknowledge your children’s good behavior.
 
     3.      Offer consistent discipline. Consistency in discipline requires that we acknowledge positive behavior and correct inappropriate behavior. Remaining consistent means we care enough to bring out the very best in our children. We nurture and reveal their “natural bent,” their God-given strengths, abilities, and personality. As we remain consistent in teaching and shaping their godly character, they come to know us as steady. They also learn that their misbehavior does not overwhelm us. We, as parents, remain patient, loving, and strong in the face of their misbehavior, guiding them toward a lifestyle that will bring greater happiness and fulfillment. This knowledge helps them grow secure in our love and affection, even in the midst of misbehavior and loving discipline.    
 
     4.      Build routines into your family life. Routines build a level of predictability into family life that provides a sense of security and stability for our children. It allows our children to anticipate “what comes next” and to relax in the knowledge that certain things happen on a regular basis. They come to know that Mom and Dad may leave for work or the store, but they always return. They look forward to regular family mealtimes and the interactions that accompany those meals. They grow in the stability of a regular bedtime and the benefits of rest. As families practice morning routines, mealtime routines, bedtime routines, and various family traditions, children develop an identity and stability that promotes security.   
 
     5.      Pour on the affection. Let your children know you love and value them. Show your affection with a hug, a good night kiss, a high five, a squeeze of the shoulders. Pour on affectionate words of admiration and love by saying, “I love you” before bed or as you leave the house for work. Satisfy their need for affection by remaining true to your word and keeping your promises. Spice up the flavor of affection with unconditional acceptance…even when your children are moody, grumpy, or irritable.
 
     6.      Finally, give your children your time. Adding in the ingredients described above will demand your time. Give it freely. Children determine what is most valuable in your life by watching where you invest your time. Let them see you investing your time in your family and, specifically, in their lives.
 
6 ingredients that, when mixed together, will satisfy your child’s hunger for security—the meat and potatoes of security. Perhaps you can add in some dessert. Enjoy!
Posted in Celebration, Family Shepherds, Grace, Honor tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Take a Fall Family Vacation

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I recently read a blog from The Generous Husband that talked about taking a vacation. I really liked the blog…and I love vacations. About this time of year, I’m looking for a vacation. The rush of the holidays is around the corner, the demands of homework and fall activities have taken a toll on my rest (or lack thereof), and I often feel overwhelmed by life. I want a sabbatical. I want a family vacation where I can enjoy time with my family without the nagging schedule and rush-induced stress that contributes to bickering and snappish remarks. So, this year I’m taking my family on a vacation. Well…not the kind of vacation you might imagine. We are not going to get away from home; and, we are not going to the mountains or the shore. Instead, I am taking my family on a vacation to get away from nagging, fault-finding, and bickering. We are leaving complaints and allegations in our rear view mirror and heading off to the perfect vacation spot…a beautiful resort of peace and quiet where we can find rest and relaxation. Actually, the perfect vacation spot is not so much a place as it is a charge, a duty, an investment. This perfect vacation spot involves changing the orientation of our heart and the focus of our time. It is nestled scenically at the center of the happy family. In this pleasant and breathtaking destination, our family can settle down on the beach of affirmation and listen to the waves of thanks and encouragement wash up on the shore of our heart, softly rolling over our spirit with words of support and love moment after moment. Of course, we will take a cooler filled with refreshing compliments to quench our thirst for acceptance and recognition. Fully equipped for a day at the shore, we can bask in the warmth of affirmation and affection, allowing the warm rays of encouragement to melt the stress of everyday life away, and enjoy the loving interaction of family. Would you care to join me and my family on this vacation? We will be enjoying this scenic and invigorating vacation spot for the rest of the week. You are welcome to join us. In fact, we hope to see you there!
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The Daily Routine

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Relationship muscles, like all muscles, require training. The “Relationship Training Program” offers exercises that will build strength and endurance for the true relationship athlete. As with all training programs, a habit of daily exercises promote continued growth and health. One well-known relationship trainer, Dr. John Gottman, recommends a daily 32-minute routine that research has shown to strengthen relationships. Let me review his 32-minute regimen before adding one additional exercise that will increase it to 35 minutes a day.

  1. Before leaving your family for a day of work, school, or play, learn at least one thing that each person has planned for their day. Are they going anywhere? Who will they see? What activities do they have planned? Are they excited, apprehensive, or neutral about these plans? Are any plans special? This exercise will take about 2-3 minutes, depending on how much information you seek.
  2. Have a 20-minute conversation upon reuniting at the end of the workday. Sit down and discuss what happened during the day. Talk like friends, share what happened during your time apart. If there are disagreements, save them for another time. If there are demands or requests, put them on the back burner until after this 20-minute exercise.
  3. Find some way to communicate affection and appreciate to each family member every day. Look for something that you can admire or appreciate about each person. When you recognize it, tell them. Compliment their cooking, clothes, hair, or overall appearance. Tell them about some character trait that you appreciate in them. Spend 5 minutes throughout the day expressing admiration, affection, and appreciation for family members.
  4. Share physical touch with family members. Give a hug and kiss good-bye when you part, a hug and kiss hello when you reunite. Even if you are angry, give a hug and kiss good-night before bed. Gottman says to “think of that kiss as a way to let go of any minor irritations that have built up over the day. In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.” Hold hands as you sit or walk together. Put your arm around your children’s shoulder as you stand in line. Spend 5 minutes sharing touch –playful, affectionate, or tender–throughout the day.
  5. So far we have 32 minutes invested in daily exercises to strengthen our relationships. Let me add one more 3 minute exercise to round our total up to 35 minutes a day. Each day write down 2-3 things that each member of your family has done to contribute to your personal life or your family stability. In addition, write down 2 things that each member of your family said or did that represents their best strengths and qualities.

That’s it, a daily 35-minute routine to strengthen your family relationships. It sounds easy, doesn’t it? In fact, the hard part is developing the habit of keeping the routine. To help you maintain the daily routine, I suggest a weekly reward. After successfully completing this daily routine for one week, have a small celebration, a weekly date of sorts. You might rent a movie and make popcorn. Or, you can play a game like “Apples to Apples,” “Charades,” or some other family favorite. You might prefer to go out for dessert. Whatever you choose, enjoy your time together, make small talk, plan vacations, dream about the future. You can even share some of the things you enjoyed about the exercise routine. Whatever you do, have fun. If you take about two hours, you will find the total time for this exercise routine is 5 hours and 21 minutes a week. Research suggests that this 5 hours can bring greater intimacy and joy into your relationships.

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A Pandemonium of Honor

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This week I am going to suggest my family play a new game. Perhaps your family would like to play this game as well. I believe the competition will prove intense. There will be no half-hearted, weak attempts to win, only full-fledged, over-the-top competition.  I usually do not compete with all my energy, but this time I’m out for the win. What game will we play?  An all-out, no-holds-barred game of “Gung-ho Honor” that some describe as a pandemonium of honor. The simple instructions for “Gung-ho Honor” were recorded long ago in a letter to a group of Romans—“Outdo one another in showing honor.” That’s it, the total instructions—“Outdo one another in showing honor.” Some people have trouble getting started; so, here are a couple of suggestions.
Imagine that your family members are royalty. They are kings, queens, princes, and princesses. Throughout the week, speak to them like royalty. Fill your speech toward your royal family with polite words, affirming words, and loving words. Take note of some task they finish and praise them for their effort. Affirm the special strengths they exhibit. Acknowledge the special talents they have. Appreciate acts of kindness. Even a simple “thank-you” or “you’re welcome” will score major points in this game of “Gung-ho Honor.”  
Treat your family members like royalty as well. You be the servant and whole-heartedly serve your family with abandon.  Each day, do something nice for your royal family members. Serve them breakfast, treat them to a massage, or do their chore for them.  Give an extra hug to each family member, especially if they feel down. Make it your goal to affirm and encourage them with your actions. Hold the door open, clean up their dishes, let them have the last cookie. Whatever it takes let your actions reveal how much you value your family.

I believe the competition will prove fierce. I will play with unrestrained abandon and encourage each family member to throw their heart and soul into the game as well. What will be the outcome of such intense competition? Parents will smile to see sons and daughters honoring one another—helping one another with homework and chores or encouraging one another during challenging tasks. Children will feel more secure as they witness their parents honoring one another with words of thanks and deeds of kindness. Everyone will feel more affirmed and valued. Confidence will increase. One kind deed will inspire another and an atmosphere of honor will begin to blossom.  At the end of the week, we will determine a winner. And, the winner will find their picture on the fridge. The rest of us will honor them as “ruler” for the day. Of course, everyone knows that a great ruler graciously affirms and serves his subjects. Oh my, the game goes on. The pandemonium of honor continues. “Gung-ho Honor”-let the games begin!

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