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Naps Are For Kids, Right?

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We encourage our babies and toddlers to take naps. But adults? No, naps are for kids. Or are they? I remember laying down with my children many times to get them to take a nap only to “doze off” myself. Is that bad? Researchers don’t think so. In fact, they suggest that naps may prove beneficial for adults as well as children. In one interview, the person being interviewed went so far as to report naps as virtuous.

What makes naps so good? We all get that “lull” in our attention and concentration in the afternoon. That represents a low point in our ultradian rhythms. It points to a need to let our body rest and recover from the natural work it has done and is doing during the day. When we take a short nap and allow our mind and body to recover, it sharpens our mind and helps us solve problems more effectively.  In fact, one study noted that those who took a short nap were better able to solve a math problem they struggled with prior to their nap. Naps also make us more productive; and they improve our mood.

There is a caveat though. The most productive naps are only 20-30 minutes long. These “short naps” allow us to rest and recover without suffering the sluggishness of trying to wake up from a deep sleep. Also, it is best to nap prior to 5pm so your nap does not interfere with your nighttime sleep schedule.

All this being said, a nap may be good for you and your family. It can help everyone stay in a better mood and so have greater patience with one another. It may help your family solve problems more easily, reduce conflict, or recover from conflict more quickly. And don’t forget that a nap can just make a person feel better. So why give all the good stuff to the kids? If you’re feeling overwhelmed, grumpy, or struggling to respond in a productive manner to the many things that arise in the day, take a nap. In fact, enjoy a family nap. It’s OK. It’s more than OK. It’s healthy for you and your family.  

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Go Ahead…Take a Nap

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Last weekend we changed our clocks, “springing forward” into daylight savings time. In the process, we lost an hour sleep. That, on top of the fact that most of us do not sleep the recommended 7-9 hours a day, makes today the perfect day for a nap…and National Napping Day. Actually, every day is a good day for a nap. According to the Sleep Foundation naps not only reduce sleepiness, they also improve learning, aid in memory retention, and help us regulate emotions.  Napping also strengthens our immune, reduce cardiovascular disease risk, boost work performance, reduces stress, and decrease risk of cognitive dysfunction.  (see Benefits of Napping | Sleep.org ). In addition, napping as a family can help your family “get in sync” and in rhythm with one another. And, according to the “Nap Bishop,” if you’re looking for a way to resist the overworking mentality of our society that leads to burnout and contributes to oppression, napping is the resistance in which you need to engage. So, call the family together, grab your pillows, and resolve to take care of yourself. Take a nap.

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Top 5 Ways to Know Your Partner Feels Unappreciated

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Number 5: You notice your partner leaving things they usually do undone. Yes, this is a little passive aggressive. But it sends a message loud and clear. “I’m tired of being unappreciated for all I do around here…so I’m just not doing it anymore.”

Number 4: Your spouse withdraws into a quiet shell. Sometimes a person will become quiet and sullen when they feel unappreciated. They look angry or unhappy in their quietness around you but perk up around others. If you see that, maybe you’re seeing a spouse that feels unappreciated.

Number 3: Your spouse begins to sound like a martyr. When your partner begins to act and talk like they are the martyr or say things about feeling taken advantage of, you may be living with a spouse that feels unappreciated.

Number 2: Your partner begins to complain. “Do I have to do everything around here?”  “Can’t you help out a little? I’m tired of doing everything.” “Why do you just sit around while I do all the work?” If you are hearing statements like this, your spouse likely feels unappreciated. (And, you may show your appreciation by helping “around here.”)

Number 1: Your spouse tells you directly. They may say it kindly. “I’m feeling a little underappreciated, honey?” Or they may say it in anger. “You don’t appreciate anything I do around here.” Either way, the easiest way to know your spouse feels unappreciated is when they tell you so.

More importantly, what can you do about this? The answer is simple. Begin appreciating your spouse. Look for opportunities to thank your spouse for things they do for you, your family, and your home. When you see something they have done, thank them. Don’t just smile or acknowledge what they’ve done in your head. Verbally tell them, “Thank you.”

Don’t stop there. Don’t just respond to things they do. Respond to who they are. Voice your admiration and adoration for them. Acknowledge their beauty, their hard work, their kindness, their wisdom. Whatever you admire and adore in your partner, let them know. (Here are 6 great things you can say to show appreciation to your spouse.)

Finally, get involved. Help around the house. Serve your family. Ask how you can help…then do it. Nothing makes a person feel more appreciated than a partner who is actively involved in working together.

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Taking Verbal Snapshots of Your Children

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My wife loves to capture our family events in pictures…and, rightfully so. Those pictures allow us to relive every joyful experience with our extended family and friends. Family shepherds not only take visual photos of family; they take verbal snapshots as well. When Sam falls down and begins to pout, his mother gives a comforting verbal snapshot, “Oh, you fell down. That hurt, didn’t it?” When Daddy leaves for work, Mom empathizes with a verbal snapshot, “Oh, you’re sad that Daddy has to leave. He’ll be back after work.” When Sue points at the fridge, her father gives a verbal snapshot of her gesture—”You want a snack, don’t you.” Little Johnny points at a dog and a click…his parents offer a descriptive verbal snapshot, “Look at that big, brown dog.” Describing behavior, labeling emotions, reporting emotion back in an empathic manner, and describing what our children see are all examples of verbal snapshots. Verbal snapshots help our children learn about their environment. They teach them the vocabulary necessary to talk about their world, manage their emotions, and show empathy toward others. Verbal snapshots also validate our children, showing them that we find them valuable enough to notice and accept. As a result, they learn to value themselves. So, click away. Take verbal snapshots every chance you get. Here are some verbal snapshots you won’t want to miss.
·         When your child behaves well, take a verbal snapshot. A verbal snapshot of good behavior can be as simple as saying “great job” or “thanks.” When we give a verbal snapshot of good behavior, our children see a snapshot of our pride and gratitude. The attention they receive from the verbal snapshot also makes the good behavior more likely to continue. Give this verbal snapshot directly to your child as often as possible. Start with “Thank you…” or “I appreciate …” or “Good job…” and finish with a specific behavior you notice. You can also take a verbal snapshot of your child’s behavior for other people to see. For instance, you might tell a friend how well your child handled a difficult situation, express pride in their talent, or explain something positive you have learned from your child in the last week. 
·         When your child makes a strong effort or shows courage, take a verbal snapshot. Going through childhood and adolescence takes courage. There are constant changes in schools and teachers, “drama” among peers, and new experiences that test their abilities. Each time they try out for a sport or music program, they run the risk of “rejection.” Every time they ask a girl out on a date, they become vulnerable to rejection. Each test comes back with red marks of failure, even if they only miss one. So, take every opportunity to acknowledge your child’s courage and effort. When they stand strong in the face of peer pressure, take a verbal snapshot of that courage. When they try something new, take a verbal snapshot of their effort and courage. When they attempt to make a change and struggle with that change, take a verbal snapshot of their effort.
·         When your child shows an interest in something, take a verbal snapshot. Whether they show an interest in music, cooking, reading, anatomy, or sports, take a verbal snapshot. Admire their interest. Join in their interest. Converse with them about their interest.
·         When your child is frustrated, upset, or angry, take a verbal snapshot. Doing so validates them and their emotions. If they look hesitant on the first day of high school, let them know that you “can tell they seem a little nervous about starting a new school” and that you “remember feeling nervous on your first day as well.” Give a verbal snapshot when they break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend-“You really liked them, didn’t you? It’s disappointing when relationships don’t work out the way we want.” When you take a verbal snapshot of your child’s “troubling” emotions, don’t try to fix the situation or remedy the problem. Simply offer support. Empathize with them. In doing so, you validate their feelings. We all tend to feel a little better when someone validates our feelings and lets us know they understand our pain.
·         When your child is happy or proud, take a verbal snapshot. Don’t limit verbal snapshots to those moments of pain or hardship. It’s easy to give a lot of attention to the negative behaviors, hard experiences, and painful moments. However, we don’t want our verbal photo album fill with those pictures alone. Take as many verbal snapshots of happy times as well. Give verbal snapshots that say, “I am proud of you.” “Good effort; you must be proud of yourself.” “I bet you’re pretty happy about that.” “I really enjoyed what you just did.” 
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Our Answer to One Question Determines Our Future

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My wife and I were visiting Charleston, North Carolina when we saw this plaque. It reads: “I want people to see children as human beings and not think of the money it costs nor to think of the amount of time it will take, but to think of the lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.” –Septima Clark

Septima Clark did not just make the statement, she walked the talk. She became known as the “Grandmother” of the Civil Rights Movement. She started “Citizenship schools” that taught adult literacy and “citizenship rights.” These schools instilled self-pride, cultural-pride, literacy, and a sense of one’s citizenship rights.

Why do I mention this quote? Because Ms. Clark states truth. Our children thrive when we see them as human beings rather than simply children. We need not think of our children as financial burdens or “little time-suckers.” They are a blessing, a blessing upon which our present and our future rest. They are the ones who will carry our values and priorities into the future. They will redeem our communities and our country.

I remember learning a similar idea in my early college years. I don’t remember the exact quote, but the “gist of the idea” stated that a culture can be redeemed or destroyed in a single generation. The way in which we treat our children, the manner in which we raise them, will have a great determining factor on the course of our future…similar to what Septima Clark implied. Consider:

  • If we treat our children with kindness, they will take kindness into the future. If we treat them harshly, they will take harshness into the future.
  • If we treat our children with respect, they will take respect into the future. If we treat them with disrespect, disrespect will grow more rampant.
  • If we hold our children accountable in an appropriate manner, they will take accountability into the future. If we become overly permissive, they will also become permissive.
  • If we hold our children to age-appropriate expectations for contributing to the family and home, they will continue to see the joy of contributing to a happy home and family. If we become overbearing, harsh, or hold inappropriate expectations of our children, they will carry the same forward…and who wants to live in a community filled with those who are overbearing, harsh, and carry unreasonable expectations.

You get the idea. How we treat our children will determine our future. Let’s begin to think of our children as blessings—lives that can be nurtured to bless others, “lives that can be developed into Americans who will redeem the soul of America and will really make America a great country.”  How will we treat our children? Consider carefully for it’s a question with enormous implications. Our future depends on our answer.

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Combatting Loneliness & Negativity in Your Family

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Loneliness impacts our mental and physical health. In fact, it has a similar impact on physical health as smoking 10 cigarettes a day. It can also contribute to depression and anxiety. Knowing this, I want to teach my family how to combat loneliness. Don’t you?

Researchers from the University of Nebraska offer a helpful suggestion in the results of a study they conducted over the span of one year. The 565 participants completed surveys assessing their level of loneliness, social connection, and interpersonal emotional regulation (how a person utilizes their social connections to maintain or improve their emotional state). Participants also completed exercises in which they had to make “snap judgments” about whether ambiguous faces, scenes, and words were positive or negative. These “snap judgments” help determine a person’s emotional outlook, whether it be positive or negative.

Not surprisingly, participants who reported greater loneliness also interpreted the ambiguous faces, scenes, and words more negatively. Loneliness was correlated with negativity…unless one condition existed. Those participants who regularly shared positive (but not negative) experiences with family and friends did not make negative interpretations! In fact, loneliness was not correlated with negativity in those who regularly shared positive experiences with others.

This got me thinking. Could families use this information to buffer the negative impact of loneliness in their families? I believe so… and here are four ways to begin.

  • Each evening, spend 10-15 minutes with your spouse, your children, or your parents sharing positive experiences from your day.
  • Make it a daily routine for each family member to recall at least one positive experience from their day during family dinner.
  • As you prepare for bed, talk with your family and share 3 things that you experienced during the day for which you are grateful.
  • Share something of beauty you experienced during the day. It could be something you saw (a sunrise or a colorful bird) or something you heard (a song or a saying), something natural or something manmade. It may also be an especially meaningful connection you experienced. Share that “thing of beauty” with a family member sometime during the day.

Building these moments of sharing into your daily routine provides the opportunity to share positive emotional experiences with one another. Not only will this enhance your family relationships, but it will also teach each person how to share these positive experiences with others. It will allow them to practice the skills necessary to do so with friends as well as family. This may even enhance friendships and help create new friendships. Of course, this practice will decrease negativity and buffer the negative impact of loneliness for your family as well. For me, that is a thing of beauty that I’d like to share with my family.

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Use With Caution

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The cell phone, screen time, social media… we hear report after report about how each of these technologies impact our children. It’s a complicated issue…and a huge issue for anyone raising children today. So when I come across new information about the impact of technology on our children, both positive and negative, I like to pass it along to you. Recently, I found two studies published in early 2023 that I wanted to share with you.

First, a study out of the University of North Carolina recruited 169 middle school students and followed them for three years to assess the impact of three social media platforms—Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat—on their sensitivity to feedback. At the start of the study, researchers asked each participant how often they checked the three social platforms. The answers ranged from once a day to over twenty times a day. (Other studies have shown 78% of teens report checking their social media sites at least hourly and 35% report using a social media site “almost constantly.”) Every year of the three-year study, participants underwent brain imaging sessions while completing a task to measure their brain activity when anticipating social feedback from peers.  This data revealed that children who grow up checking their social media more often become hypersensitive to feedback from their peers, their sensitivity to social rewards and punishment was altered. Becoming hypersensitive to peer feedback may increase a teen’s tendency to give in to peer pressure—whether negative or positive pressure.

A second longitudinal study looked at the data from 506 children in Singapore. Specifically, the parents of the children were asked to report the average amount of screen time their 12-month-old children consumed on weekdays and weekends. The children were then divided into four groups based on screen time: 1) less than one hour, 2) 1-2 hours, 3) 2-4 hours, and 4) more than 4 hours.  At 18-months, each child underwent an EEG to measure brain activity. In addition, each child completed various tests to measure attention span and executive functioning at 9-years-old. After comparing all the data collected, the research suggests that the more screen time a child was subjected to as an infant, the greater the altered brain activity and the more deficits were noted in the measures of attention span and executive functioning. These deficits may translate into difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty sustaining attention, difficulty following through with multi-step instructions, and difficulty persisting in hard tasks.

Our children and teens go through sensitive periods of brain development. How screen time and social media are used during those times can impact their brain development and, as a result, their behaviors. With this information in mind, our children will benefit from careful monitoring of their screen time and education on the healthy use of screens.

Cell phones, screen time, social media…they are not going away. But we must teach our children to manage this technology for their healthy development. With that in mind,

  • Become a good role model in managing screen time and social media use. Remember, the internet can be a risk and an opportunity for your child, depending on how you and your children manage it. How your children manage it begins with how you model managing it in your own life.
  • Rather than constantly fighting your teen over screen time, encourage their involvement in physical activities. For instance, they might join a sport team, go for a bike ride, enjoy a “pick up game” with peers, or start using a gym membership. Read Take Your Teen From Screen Time to “Exer-Time” for more details on how physical activity alters the impact of screen time.
  • Don’t use screens to distract your children. Instead, engage them in the restaurant while you wait for your food. Play games or talk in the car on trips (whether short trips to the store or long trips). Teach your children to find ways other than the use of screens to manage their boredom–things like card games, going for a walk, playing catch off a wall, playing music, writing, art, etc. Model ways of entertaining yourself that do not include screen time.

These three actions can start our children down a path of using technology in a healthy manner that will protect them for a lifetime.

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Help, My Teen Wants to Sleep All Day

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“My teen wants to stay up all night and sleep all day.” I’ve heard many parents say this. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. Some parents attribute this tendency to stay up late and “sleep the day away” as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” Me…I’m just jealous. I wish I could sleep all morning, but my internal clock just won’t allow it. Oh wait…that may give us a hint as to what’s going on with our teens as well. Let me explain…but first a little more information about teens and sleep.

The National Institute of Health suggests that teens need about 9 hours of sleep a night. However, a survey of 27,939 suburban high school students in the United States suggests that only 3% of teens get that much sleep. The teens completing the survey averaged 6.5 hours of sleep per night with 20% getting less than five hours of sleep a night. In other words, teens are sleepy. Even worse, with every hour of sleep lost (under an average of 9 hours per night), the teens surveyed showed a 38% increase in the odds of feeling sad or hopeless, a 42% increase in the possibility of considering suicide, a 58% increase in attempting suicide (There is an interesting table about suicide in relation to getting up early for school in Let Teenagers Sleep – Scientific American), and a 23% increase in substance abuse. Those are alarming statistics, aren’t they? Obviously, we need to find a way to help our teens get a good night’s rest.

Back to the “internal clock hint.” Our internal clocks are partially set by the natural release of melatonin in our bodies. According to research, teens have a delayed release of daily melatonin. As a result, they get sleepy later in the evening than adults…and they sleep in longer. In other words, their natural internal clock is set to stay up late and sleep in longer each morning. It’s not laziness or irresponsibility, it’s hormonal changes. Still, teens still have to get up early for school. They still need to get a good night’s rest. So how can we help them get the sleep they need?

  • Establish a healthy bedtime routine before the preteen years. Get your children into a healthy routine that includes slowing down toward the end of the day. This nighttime routine might include talking with you or time reading a book (paper books preferred over digital, by the way). Your children and teens may also benefit from time to talk about and resolve daily stresses and time to express daily gratitude.
  • Avoid “blue light” 2-3 hours before bedtime. You may also want to look at glasses that filter blue light for your teens. (Learn more in How to Manage Blue Light for Better Sleep (webmd.com))
  • Maintain the bedroom as a place for sleep not screens. Keep the video games and TV’s out of the bedroom, which is meant for sleep. Keep them in other living areas designed for play or family interaction. Let the bedroom be a place of rest and sleep.
  • Keep the bedroom dark at night. Turn off the lights. We sleep best in quiet, dark places.
  • Do your best to maintain a calm household, a home free of unnecessary drama. Let your home be a haven of peace and rest, a place where your children know they are safe and accepted.
  • Allow short naps, “power naps,” when needed. Your teen likely comes home from school tired. They may need a short “refresher,” a nap.
  • Talk with your teens about the need for sleep and ask them what would help them get the sleep they need. Your teen is wise. Involve them in the problem-solving process. They may surprise you with creative and effective solutions.

These practices will help initiate the opportunity for your teens to get the sleep they need. What other suggestions would you add?

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The Humility of Listening

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We all have a desire to be heard. That sounds like such a simple desire, doesn’t it?  But “to be heard” is more than having people within earshot to hear our voice and the words we verbalize. We also want them to understand what we are saying—to truly comprehend the meaning, the intent, and the significance of what we are saying. Even more, we want them to recognize the impact of our words and so accept our influence. We want others to respond to our words in a way that we know they consider our words as important and significant. This deeper desire to be heard is doubly true when it comes to our marriage and family.

Does that sound dramatic? Consider an example. In the presence of your spouse you say, “It’s a beautiful day today.”

  • If your spouse does not respond, you look toward them to see if they heard you. When you see them immersed in something else—the paper, the TV, their work, the game on their phone—for the umpteenth time, you begin to feel unimportant, devalued. You feel as if they care more about their own interests than they care about you. You feel as if you have no import, no influence in their life. “I should have known,” you think to yourself. “Everything is always more important than me.”
  • Or imagine your spouse responds with an irritated, even angry response: “What? It’s cold out there. You see the sun and automatically think it’s nice but it’s too cold to go outside. That’s your problem. You never look at the whole picture.” Once again, you leave feeling unheard, unappreciated, even unimportant. 
  • Maybe your spouse looks up from the paper and responds. “You’re right. It’s a beautiful sunny day outside.”  As they speak, they take a moment to look out the window at the sunny day. They have listened. They have allowed your words to influence them in the moment. They have responded. They have heard.

This deep desire to feel heard points out a wonderful opportunity to show kindness. Ironically, it’s a kindness that enhances the humility of both the speaker and the listener. Let me explain. In a study published in 2021, 242 participants were randomly assigned into 121 dyads. These dyads were then assigned to a “good listening” or a “poor listening” condition. In the poor listening condition, the listener was instructed to act distracted while the other person talked for 10 minutes about a recent experience. The “good listener” was told to listen as if the speaker was telling them “the most interesting things they had ever heard.” In other words, the good listener was to listen with curiosity. Of course, those who were listened to with curiosity reported feeling “more heard.” However, the study was about more than simply “feeling heard” by the other person. It was about humility as well. This study found that when a person listened with curiosity, several things happened.

  1. The speaker perceived the curious listener as more humble.
  2. The curious listener perceived the speaker as more humble. Both perceived the other as more humble when one person listened with curiosity. And…
  3. The curious listener perceived themselves as more humble.
  4. The speaker perceived themselves as more humble. In other words, both perceived themselves as acting more humbly when one listened with curiosity.

Think of that for a moment. When I listen to my spouse with deep curiosity, both of us experience an increase in humility and perceive the other as more humble. And—here’s the kicker—humility in marriage strengthens marriage. So, next time your spouse opens the door with a simple statement, don’t let your eyes glaze over and ignore them. Look at them with delight in your eyes and, with the curiosity of hearing the most interesting information you’ve ever heard, listen intently. It’s an act of kindness from which everyone grows.

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A Quiet Threat to Your Marriage

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It can happen so easily, quietly, subtly. We are happily married and enjoying our lives together when the busy-ness of daily life creeps up on us. The rush and pressure of work, children, community activities, and finances encroaches on our lives; and, in the midst of the busy-ness and pressure we take for granted that our spouse loves as and will always be there for us. We forget little niceties, like saying “thank you” or “please.” We fail to greet one another after a day apart and instead remain absorbed in whatever activity—cooking, watching TV, yard work, playing games—has our immediate attention. We become so preoccupied with our own demanding schedule that we neglect to ask about our spouse’s day. All this happens slowly, over time, and without any awareness. But, if left unchecked, each person “suddenly” begins to feel distant, even unloved. Their marriage falls apart as one or both spouses feel unappreciated, unloved, and unimportant to the other.

There is a remedy for this quiet threat. In fact, it is a rather simple fix. It begins with remembering. Remember when love was young and start doing what you did then. Remember when you were dating or even newlyweds? You probably made intentional effort to impress your spouse with your politeness and kindness. You asked them about their day…and listened attentively to their answer. You engaged in even the smallest gestures of affection as often as possible. Remember? Do those things again. Intentionally put in the effort to do the things you did when love was young.

  • Each morning, ask your spouse about their plans for the day.
  • Each evening, talk about your day with your spouse. And listen to your spouse talk of their day.
  • Take 20-minutes each day to talk with one another about your lives as individuals and as a couple and a family. Talk about current events. Talk about your dreams. Talk about your concerns. Talk.
  • Each day, as you go your separate ways AND when you reunite, give one another a genuine hug and kiss. Not a peck on the cheek, a kiss.
  • Each day, look for opportunities to thank your spouse for what they do for you, your children, and your home. Thank them verbally or in writing every chance you get.
  • Each day, verbally acknowledge something you admire or adore about your spouse.

Do each of these simple actions on a daily basis for the next 2 weeks, that’s 14 days. Even in that short time, you’ll begin to see your relationship grow stronger and more intimate. Then, make each of these actions a meaningful, daily ritual of connection with your spouse.  Make them a normal part of your everyday life. As you do, you’ll protect your marriage from the quiet threat of busy-ness and nurture a healthy, happy marriage for a lifetime.

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