Tag Archive for mother

Parenting Preschoolers, Marshmallows, & Success

What does parenting preschoolers, eating marshmallows, and success have in common? Apparently a lot. Daniel Goleman describes a fascinating study involving preschoolers and marshmallows. A researcher engaged a 4-to-6-year-old in play. After a short time, he told the child he had an errand to run. He plopped a marshmallow on the table and said, “If the marshmallow is there when I return, you can have two marshmallows.” The researcher then left the preschooler alone with the marshmallow for 15-20 minutes. Some preschoolers covered their eyes. Others turned around and “ignored” the marshmallow. Some even petted the marshmallow as though it were a stuffed animal or licked the table around the marshmallow. Of course, some ate the marshmallow. Those who did not eat the marshmallow until the researcher returned enjoyed two marshmallows. When the preschoolers prepared to graduate from high school, the researchers did a little follow up research. They discovered that the preschoolers who did not eat the marshmallow (waited until the researcher returned and earned a second marshmallow) were described by teachers and parents as more competent than those who quickly ate the single marshmallow. They scored an average of 210 points more on SAT tests. They tended to present as more positive, self-motivating, self-confident, and persistent. They exhibited the ability to delay gratification in pursuit of a goal (like waiting to get a second marshmallow). These habits, with delayed gratification as the centerpiece, can go on to contribute to thriving marriages, greater career satisfaction, and better health. This “marshmallow study” suggests that persistence and the ability to delay gratification sets the foundation for children to flourish and cope with the pressures of life. So, how can we help our children learn persistence? How can we help our children learn to delay gratification?
 
Researchers from Brigham Young University have recently helped us answer this question. They published a study that followed 325 two-parent families (with 11-14 year old children) in an effort to discover the origins of persistence. They found that both parents contributed to persistence. Interestingly though, persistence gained through fathers led to higher engagement in school and lower rates of delinquency over time. What did these fathers do that had the greatest impact on a child’s level of persistence? They did three things that all parents can do:
     1.      The fathers engaged in warm, loving relationships with their children. They were available to their children and engaged them in interactions. They listened to their children. They played with their children.

2.      The fathers held their children accountable for their behavior and emphasized the reasons behind the rules. They loved their children enough to teach them right from wrong. They pointed out inappropriate behavior and disciplined that behavior. At the same time, they explained why that behavior was inappropriate and explained alternative desired behaviors.

3.      The fathers gave their children an appropriate level of autonomy. They did not hold them back; nor, did they push them beyond their ability. This demands knowing your child. What are their strengths? What are their weaknesses? What are they developmentally able to do or not do? To learn the answers to these questions, a parent must take an interest in their child. They must become a student of their child and their child’s development.
 

Although this study pointed to the benefit of fathers in building persistence, both parents can practice the three ingredients noted above. When you do put these skills into practice, you increase the chances that your child will grow in their ability to stick to a task until it is done and pursue a goal until they achieve it. That is the beginning of success!

5 Celebration Ideas for Mother’s Day

This year Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 13th. Maybe you already have a plan to honor your mother. But, in case you have not finalized you plans (or maybe you don’t have a clue), here are a few ideas to consider.
     ·         Get your mother a carnation. I know, it is simple and traditional… nonetheless, a good idea. Getting your mother a carnation for Mother’s Day traces its roots all the way back to the origin of Mother’s Day in the United States. Miss Ann Jarvis started this tradition on May 10, 1908. She sent 500 white carnations to the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church to be distributed to the mothers. She sent carnations in memory of her own mother, who held the white carnation as her favorite flower. Ms. Jarvis noted that the carnation symbolized the “virtues of motherhood;…whiteness stands for purity; its lasting qualities, faithfulness; its fragrance, love; its wide field of growth, charity; its form, beauty….” Go ahead and send a carnation to your mother and attach a card describing what the carnation symbolizes. If you think a carnation just is not enough, send your mother a whole bouquet of flowers.

·         Get together with your family and honor your mother by sharing stories about the mothers and grandmothers in your family. As you share stories, look through family albums to find pictures of these women…women who helped shape your family and, ultimately, you. Make copies of these pictures and create a photo album of all the “Moms Who Paved the Way” in your family. Under each picture, write a short caption describing their character and contribution to the family.

·         Write a short testimonial to your mother. Think of 2-3 ways in which she enhanced your life…or 2-3 characteristics you admire about her…or 2-3 ways she contributed to your happiness. Write them into a short testimonial along with real life examples that support them. Try to limit the testimonial to one side of a sheet of paper. Then, over dinner on Mother’s Day, read her the testimonial. But, you might need to have some Kleenex available for the tears of appreciation and joy.

·         Create a handmade craft for your mother. You can make a handmade card or a handmade pennant that reads “Go Mom.” Create a sports card with her picture and stats on it for the sports loving mother. Stats might include “number of meals cooked,” “number of booboos cared for,” number of sorrows kissed good-bye,” etc. Or, you could make her an award for #1 Mom, a certificate of appreciation, or a gold medal necklace. 

·         One more idea…tried and true. Make your mother dinner. As a family, treat her like a guest in a fancy restaurant. Prepare her favorite dish and dessert. Seat her in the waiting area (living room) with her favorite reading material while you set the table–good dishes, candles, and all. Escort her to the table, pull out her chair, and seat her. Serve her and enjoy conversation while you eat. Maybe even share some fun stories about your life with her. Then, let her relax while you clear the table, wash the dishes, and clean up the kitchen.
 
What are some of your Mother’s Day ideas? Please share them in the comment section below so we can all honor our mother on Mother’s Day.  

Family: Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

Recently I have read and heard several discussions about prioritizing love for spouse or love for children. Should we prioritize spouse or children? Is family focused around marriage or parenting? Do we create a “kid-centered family” or a “marriage-centered family?” Those siding with the parenting-focused, “kid-centered family” emphasize that we only have our children at home for a short time and they need to know how much we love them. Knowing we love them will make them more secure and confident, not only as children but as adults. Those focusing on a “marriage-centered family” stood on the principle that a strong marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children. A strong marriage creates a sense of security and stability for the children. Family is built upon a strong marital relationship.
 
Ultimately, both sides make good points. However, I believe the whole debate focuses on the wrong questions. We live in a world of specialization. Doctors specialize, engineers specialize, dentists specialize, ministers specialize, and teachers specialize. Our children go to college to specialize in their career. That works out great in society. I don’t want my dentist prescribing my glasses or a psychologist teaching my children accounting. This idea of specialization has crept into the family. However, specialization does not work well in the family. The family is greater than the mere sum of its parts. God did not create us to specialize within the family, to focus on various parts of family. He created the family to reflect His character. When you think of God, what “parts of family” comes to mind? What specialized role does He play? He is the Father (Romans 8:15, 1 John 3:1-2) who adopts us, makes us His children, and disciplines us to help us grow. But, He comforts us like a mother comforting her child (Isaiah 66:12-13). In Jesus Christ, God becomes our Husband or Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:25-33) yet we are also “fellow heirs” with Him as our Sibling, a “fellow child” of God (Romans 8:16-17). Within the Trinity, God is Spouse, Parent, Child, and Sibling. He does not specialize in a single role within the family–He focuses on the whole family. In every role He fills, He encourages and lifts up other members of the “family.” As the Father, He glorifies the Son…as a Child, He glorifies the Father…as a Spouse, He sacrifices His very life for His Bride…as a Sibling, He raises us up to fellow heirs with Him.
 
If we want to carry out the image of God within our families, we will strive to become the same type of “renaissance-family-member” He portrays. Like God, men will become good fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers. Women will become comforting mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters. We will no longer ask whether the role of spouse or parent takes highest priority. Instead, we will ask, “How we can become a family in which each member honors, encourages, and comforts the other members?” As we answer that question, we will discover that we become better parents as our marital relationship grows stronger and our marriages become stronger as we parent together. Women will become more confident in themselves and their parenting as their husband becomes more supportive and involved. Husbands will become more involved with children in relation to the support of a loving wife. Spouses will compliment one another and bring out the best in one another when parenting from within a loving relationship. Our marital relationship will grow as we parent together. Many experts focus on the drift and strain that can occur in a marriage as children are born. However, marriages can become stronger as spouses negotiate and work together for the common goal of raising healthy, mature children. Partners grow more appreciative of one another as they observe the sacrifices made in order to help in the parenting process. Women, in particular, grow more attracted to their husband when he remains actively involved with her children. Men become more admiring of their wife as she manages the multiple tasks involved in parenting.
 
Marriage grows stronger through parenting. Parenting becomes more effective as we parent within the bounds of a growing marriage. Parenting and marriage are not specializations we assume during different times of our life, but merely parts of a whole that we call family. And, family is greater than the sum of parenting and marriage. Both remain important, but neither rises above the priority of family. Let’s take the family back from the culture of specialization and focus on the family as a whole, not a collection of parts.  

Family Shepherds

I began to contemplate parenting while working with children and families in an inner city community, before I had any children of my own. Even then, I began to wonder how parents could successfully guide their children through such a dangerous maze of worldly distractions. I began to study this question even more when my wife announced that she was pregnant with our first daughter. And, I have continued my contemplation of parenting as my children have grown and matured. I’m sure I will still be trying to figure it out when they graduate from college, get married, and have children of their own. Throughout my study of parenting, I have discovered many great thinkers and writers offering amazing advice. Some of the most important lessons for me included “emotional coaching” (John Gottman), relational parenting (Sears), reality discipline (Kevin Leman), good enough parenting (Winnicott), authoritative parenting (Baumrind), shepherding a child’s heart (Tripp), natural and logical consequences, and democratic and respectful parenting (Adler). I was also challenged to “Dare to Discipline” (Dobson) and instill crucial life values into my children’s lives (Rice). Each idea provided important knowledge and excellent advice, invaluable insights and great helps.
 
In the final analysis I came to the conclusion that God is the Perfect Father and the greatest example of parenting. I want to father like Him, parenting in His image. As I thought about God as Father over the years, my mind kept returning to Psalm 23. In this Psalm, the writer gives a succinct model of God as a shepherd caring for his sheep, providing principles for guiding our children through the dangers of this life and into maturity. I realized that I wanted to follow those principles and become a family shepherd, parenting my children just as God shepherds His sheep.
 
Briefly consider a few of the principles noted in Psalm 23:
·         A shepherd meticulously and generously provides for the needs of his sheep.
·         The shepherd goes before his sheep to prepare a safe haven for them. He even works with the environment to make it as safe and nurturing as possible.
·         At the same time, a good shepherd disciplines his sheep to keep them safe. He trains them to obediently follow him. The shepherd does all of this in hopes that his sheep will someday obey naturally–not because he holds the discipline but because they have learned the benefit of obedience and the sufficiency of his love. The sheep will have internalized the shepherd’s leading in response to his love and nurturance.
 
Yes, parents are the family shepherds. They nurture, provide, protect, lead, train, and discipline. They become students of their children, learning how to best lead them toward maturity. Family shepherds lovingly provide for their children’s needs–physically, mentally, and spiritually. I hope you will join me as we explore practical “family shepherding” principles in upcoming blogs of the “Family Shepherd.” If there are parenting issues you would like to see addressed, be sure to suggest it in the comment area.

Keep Your Mother Off Your Back

Have you ever wanted to get your mother off your back and get more of what you want? Well, here’s a simple 3-step plan.

First, do what’s expected. I mean do the bare minimum.  We all have a responsibility in making our household a good place to live, a happy place to hang. So, do what’s expected of you in keeping the house running smooth. If you don’t know what to do around the house, ask. “What do I need to do to keep our house a happy place?” Have your mother sit down before asking—just in case she faints.

Second, do just a little bit more than expected. I know this sounds like a sale’s pitch, but wait…when you do just a little bit more, you earn “brownie points.” That’s right, you gain bargaining power. When you do just a little bit more than expected, your mother will smile and feel pride. And, you will have a better chance at getting what you want.

Third, remember that honey tastes better than vinegar. Parents get vinegar all the time—whining, complaining, arguing, ignoring. If you really want to keep your parents off your back, give them some honey. Thank them for the work they do around the house. Thank them for the things they do for you—like washing clothes and cooking supper. Tell them how good supper tastes. Do something nice for your parents—draw them a picture or make them a card. Start up a conversation with them. Here is a little formula to remember—it takes five tastes of honey to outweigh one taste of vinegar. So, pour on the honey.

Finally, use your bargaining power. When you do what’s expected, you keep your parents off your back. When you do just a little bit more than expected and pour on the honey, you’ve gained bargaining power. You’ve worked to build trust. Now you can ask for that special favor. Stay on this 3-step plan and you’ll be surprised at how nice your mother becomes.

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