Tag Archive for legacy

The Mirror in a Parent’s Eye

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“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” That’s the question of fairy tales. In real life, children ask, “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, am I worthy of your love?” and “Mirror, mirror in your eyes, please accept me-call me fine?” Children do not look at a mirror on a wall to determine their worth, they look into their parents’ eyes. They find their worth, lovability, and acceptance in the image they see reflected back to them from their parents. The reflection they see of themselves in our eyes becomes their personal identity.
 
·         Do your children look into your eyes and see disapproval and disregard more often than admiration? If so, they will come to believe they have no value, nothing to admire.
·         Do your children feel disrespected and ignored by you more often than adored by you? If so, they will come to see themselves as disrespected and disrespectful.
·         Do they see you avoid them or mock them more often than you praise them and compliment them? If so, they will come to see themselves as worthless.
·         Do your children see you spend more time with Sunday afternoon football or the Sunday paper than you spend with them? If so, they will see themselves as second rate and unacceptable.
 
If we want our children to see themselves as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, or lovable, the first step is to assure them that we see and treat them as acceptable, valuable, beautiful, and lovable. When our children look into the mirrors of our eyes, they need to see us reflect back delight, acceptance, pride, and an abiding love. Are the mirrors of your eyes polished and clear? Do they reflect the image you want your child to become? Here are nine suggestions to help you reflect a healthy image to your child.
      1.      Reflect caring for yourself. Get enough rest and eat a healthy diet. Living a healthy lifestyle assures that you have the energy and strength to reflect a healthy image of your child.
      2.      Reflect delight for your child. Remember how you felt at the moment of your child’s birth? Remember the delight and awe you experienced as a new life, your child, entered into the world? Recall that emotion and delight. Think about how much your child means to you. Consider the strengths and talents they possess. Allow yourself to remain awed at their life and abilities.
      3.      Reflect interest in your child. When they come home from school, look up from the computer and greet them. Ask about their day. Let them see the sparkle of delight in your eyes as they tell you about their day.
      4.      Reflect pride in your child. Compliment them on a job well-done. Acknowledge their courage when they behave well in spite of peer pressure. Recognize the times that they obey you, especially when they disagree with the rule (such as curfew or “lights out”). Admire their character every chance you get.
5.      Reflect respect for your child. Make requests that include “please.” Offer a “thank you” when they complete a chore or get something you ask them to get. Remember to say “you’re welcome” when they express thanks to you. Open doors and let your children go through first. Listen respectfully. Speak graciously. 
6.      Reflect value for your child. Keep your promises. Let your child know that you value them enough to give them your time and attention. Pick them up without complaining after they spend time at a friend’s home. Have their friends over to your house and give them a snack.
7.      Reflect admiration for your child. Verbally express your love for your child. Say “I love you” sincerely and often. Admire your child’s beauty. Let them know that you believe they are attractive and point out one or two features you find most attractive.
8.      Reflect a belief in your child’s potential.  Tell them that you believe in them. Encourage them in their academics, hobbies, spiritual life, etc. Even when you discipline, do so with a belief that they can live up to the moral ideals and values of your family. Use discipline to teach them of their potential. Make sure you discipline them out of love, not anger. As you discipline, offer an alternative, positive behavior to replace the negative behavior exhibited.
9.      Reflect acceptance and approval of your child. Hug your child every day. Affirm your love for your child…even if you have to discipline them…especially when you have to discipline them. Talk about things that interest them, even if they do not interest you. Proclaim your love and pride in your child in front of others.
Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , , , , , ,

The Timeless Mind of a Parent

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Parenting is a process, not a one-time event. It occurs over time. Effective family shepherds have a “timeless mind” that maintains an awareness of past experiences, current behaviors, and future goals all at the same time. What have our children done in the past? What relationship have we developed through past experiences? What does their current behavior reveal about their learning from that past experience? What do we want them to learn and what character traits do we want them to develop for the future? How can we use the current experience to successfully move toward that future goal? All these questions and more pass through a parent’s mind in an instant when their child forgets to say “thank you” at an appropriate time or gets too loud in a library. With amazing agility, the family shepherd moves from the present to the past, to the future, and back to the present again—an amazing feat of mental time travel, all in an instance. Consider the timeless mind of a parent, the genius of a mental time travel.
 
Creating a history for tomorrow: The process of parenting provides multiple opportunities to build a history of amazing moments with our children—memory files of joy and adventure, frustration and disappointment. You and your child will share emotions ranging from ecstatic joy to deep sorrow, amazing pride to disappointing anger, and overwhelming happiness to heart wrenching sorrow. Each memory and emotion you share provides the opportunity to teach your child how to manage emotions, make wise choices, and develop intimate relationships. Children gain their sense of value and worth from their history of interactions with parents. They assess their relative worth in your eyes as they observe the energy you invest in them compared to the energy you invest in work, sports, TV, or money. What parents do today build’s their children’s memory of your love for them. This remembered history impacts your long-term effectiveness as a parent. 
 
Back to the future: Parents, as family shepherds, keep the future in mind as well. You have probably seen a scenario like this: a mother and her preschool son are standing in the checkout line when the young boy spots a candy bar (those wily store owners, putting the candy bars by the checkout counter and right at a child’s eye level!). He asks his mother for the candy bar. When she tells him no, he begins to argue. His mother stands firm initially. But, the young boy has one more tool in his pocket. He starts to cry. Screaming, he falls to the ground, kicks his feet and shakes his tiny fists in the air. Crocodile tears begin to flow while his mother looks around in a panic. She tries to calm him, but he just screams louder. His mother doesn’t know what to do. She feels embarrassed, fearing that everyone believes her an incompetent mother because of her son’s tantrum. In desperation, she grabs the candy bar and hands it to her son. He immediately stops screaming, sniffles a few times, and then smiles as though nothing happened. What has this young boy learned for the future?
 
Parents have to hold the child’s future in mind. Our children will not live with us forever. They will grow up, mature, and leave home to live their own lives. So, what future vision do you have in mind for your child? After all, the actions we take today will either guide our children toward a healthy tomorrow or a miserable tomorrow. Here are some important questions to consider for your child. The answers will help shape your parenting as a family shepherd.
·         What kind of adult do you want your child to become?
·         What are your hopes and dreams for your child? Do you want your child to be better known as a great athlete or an honest person? A brilliant business man or a man of integrity?
·         What personal characteristics do you want your child to develop?
·         What are your child’s strengths and weaknesses? What impacts your child and what does not?
Take time to consider your answers to these questions because your answers will help guide your parenting.
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What’s In A Name?

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A name conveys power, good or bad. My daughters came home from their first year at camp complaining, “Everyone knows you. The dean asked my name and then said, ‘Oh, you’re John Salmon’s daughter.'” Fortunately, my daughters take pride in our name; they are proud to carry our family name. On the other hand, I worked with a young man whose father left him and his mother when he was an infant. Last he heard, his father was in another state engaging in “less than legal activity.” He was angry with his father. He was embarrassed to carry his father’s name. We spent a great deal of time talking about how he could “redeem the name” for his future family and children. In the meantime, when teachers said, “Oh you’re so-and-so’s son,” he knew he had to work to change their impression of him. He had to fight against a name that carried negative connotations and brought him shame and embarrassment.
 
A wise man once said that “A good name is better than fine perfume…” and “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold.” As parents, we can give our children a great gift when we give them an honorable name. When our name elicits a reputation of politeness, generosity, honor, and grace, people assign the same reputation to our children and treat them accordingly. We give our children a priceless treasure when we build a “good name” in our community. Unfortunately, we have all witnessed too many parents putting the burden of a disreputable name onto their children. Consider these scenes:
 
Scene 1: An elementary school age soccer game. The coaches patiently instruct their players in the basics while they play. Most of the parents are enjoying the game, watching their child and talking with one another. One parent, however, paces up and down the field, yelling at his child. “Kick the ball.” “What are you doing? Shoot the goal.” “You can do better than that.” “Quit being lazy, run!” In a similar scene, a parent told me about the girl’s elementary school age basketball game that local police had to attend in order to limit the parents’ disorderly conduct.
 
Scene 2: A school meeting–parents and school staff attending. The whole group discusses various items of business–the band trip, the football games, the music played, financial issues. Suddenly, one parent becomes upset. He stands to complain. His voice gets louder as he begins calling people names. Other parents add in with gossip about “so-and-so’s” actions.
 
Scene 3: Parents are dropping their children off for a trip with the local youth group. One parent pulls up in front of the drop off area and stops his large car in the middle of the road, blocking all traffic. His child jumps out of the vehicle to join the other children. The truck remains in the middle of the road, blocking traffic, as the driver talks to the parents standing in the driveway and off the road. Cars begin to back up because they can’t get around the truck in the middle of the road. The driver looks at the cars waiting to get by, but continues his conversation.
 
Three different scenes, but the parents in each one contributed to a disreputable name that their children will have to endure. If our behavior speaks of arrogance, rudeness, and inconsideration, people will assume our children will act the same. After all, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
  
So, how can we give the gift of a good name to our children? Here are a few “to do’s” to help build a reputation your family can hang their hat on:
·         Become involved in the community.
·         Show interest in other people. Talk about their interests and activities, not just your own.
·         Consider the people around you. Think about their needs and desires as well as yours. Let people know that they are important to you.
·         Act politely. Hold the door for other people entering a building. Say thank you at the checkout counter. Let the other car into the line of traffic. 
·         Allow people to do their jobs. When you watch your family in a sporting event, encourage the team rather than disparage a player.
·         Keep your promises. Live a life of integrity. Let it be known that when you say you will do something, you do it.
·         Speak with kindness. Don’t trash talk. Don’t gossip. As my parents always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything!”
 
Just a short “to do” list to build a good reputation. Nothing difficult to carry out—just the daily acts of an honest family man. But, the dividends for you and your family are outstanding—a reputable name more valuable than silver or gold…a sweetly smelling name that attracts respect…a name worth millions.
Posted in Honor tagged with , , , ,

Family Relationship Training Program

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For all my athletic friends…I invite you to join the “Relationship Training Program.” It may prove challenging at times, but the long-term benefits are astounding. This training program can culminate in the completion of the Iron Man of Marriage—a 50-year anniversary. I know people who continued training after the first Iron Man and completed a 70-year marathon of happy marriage, leaving a tremendous family heritage. Over the next several weeks, I’d like to share a daily exercise routine, a strength- and resistance-based workout, and a distance workout that can enhance your overall relationship goals, especially in regards to family. But first, let me make a few suggestions to promote your success in this challenge.

First, surround yourself with people invested in a “Relationship Training Program”—people who value family relationships and whose lifestyle promotes positive family relationships. Hanging out with people invested in family life will help you stay involved with your family as well.

Second, find a buddy with whom you can share your plans and goals for family. Having mutual accountability with a friend who has similar goals is a great way to stay honest and on track.

Third, set achievable, weekly goals. You might set a goal to thank you spouse for two things a day…or, a goal to complement each family member every day. Make a goal to sit down for a cup of coffee and conversation once a day for a week. Read a book together and talk about what you read. Whatever the goal, make it achievable.

Fourth, incorporate fun into your training routine. Many times people drop out of training because they don’t enjoy it. Look for activities that you enjoy when involved in the “Relationship Training Program.” If you don’t enjoy going for walks together, try going to a movie. Sign up for a dance class together or have a game night. You might enjoy having breakfast together instead of dinner. The options for family fun are limitless. Be creative. Find the family activities you enjoy. The more fun you have, the more likely you will continue the training program.

Fifth, make the “Relationship Training Program” part of your daily routine. Think of ways to fit the exercises incorporated into the “Relationship Training Program” into what you already do. When you talk, offer a compliment. When you meet one another, share a hug and kiss. When you go to bed, share a word of thanks. You will find a million ways to fit various exercises into your daily life. 

Finally, make family a priority. You have to make your goal of a more intimate family a priority or you will never achieve it. The hustle and bustle of life will simply interfere. We all make time for those activities we prioritize. Prioritize your spouse and your children. Prioritize your family.

One other thing, before you begin this training program check with your physician to assure your heart is strong enough to engage in these activities. JUST JOKING!! Just enjoy the program and the benefits of fit and healthy family relationships.

Posted in Celebration, Grace, Honor tagged with , , , ,
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