Our children need to learn many skills in order to move successfully into adulthood. Perhaps the most important skills have more to do with how they think than what they do. For instance, how they view themselves will play a bigger role in their success than their ability to throw a ball, dance, or do the laundry. One important aspect of how our children learn to view themselves has to do with their beliefs around power. For instance, children who develop a strong sense of self-efficacy (a belief that they have the ability and capacity to successfully complete tasks and achieve) challenge themselves more, put more effort into those challenging tasks, and focus on how to make improvement when they fall short. As you can imagine, this leads to greater success and greater joy in life.
How can you help your children develop a sense of self-efficacy? I’m glad you asked.
- Provide your children with opportunities to try new things. Encourage them to try things they are not immediately good at. Children have an amazing ability to learn simply through exposure. They don’t have to become experts to gain some knowledge and learn that they have power to influence and learn in many areas.
- Praise specifics. Rather than providing broad sweeping praises like “Great job” or “You’re a good boy,” praise specific aspects of the job well done. “I really like the colors you used. How did you choose those colors?” “I can tell you’ve been practicing dribbling the ball. You got down field so well this game.” Such specifics point out how effort produces improvement and highlights your children’s experience of “getting it right.”
- Turn failures and mistakes into learning opportunities. Corrections do not need to be harsh or overly critical. Let mistakes become opportunities for improvement. This will begin by empathizing with any feelings they have about the “failure.” Listen. Understood. Weep with those who weep and be sorrowful with those who are sorrowful. Then, after they know you understand and empathize, begin to explore how they might avoid the same mistake next time. You might ask how they think they might improve or what their teachers/coaches have suggested. You might even teach them from your own experience of learning from “failures.” Just be sure to follow their pace in the process.
- Part of learning from mistakes is recognizing strategies. Point out strategies that have helped them or others. For instance, pointing out how studying helped them do well on a test might sound like, “You did great on this test. I’m not surprised because I know you studied hard for it.” When they improve their ability to throw a curve ball or their time in a 100-yard dash, a simple “Your practice and hard work are really paying off” points out the strategy of effort contributing to progress.
- Perhaps the most important action you can take to teach your children self-efficacy is nurture a strong, trusting relationship with your child. Your relationship with your child will impact everything they learn. It is the foundation of their learning and the safe space for their learning. Spend time with your child. Build a strong, trusting relationship with your child.
These five practices will help your children develop a sense of self-efficacy and that sense of self-efficacy will prove to be one of the most important things you taught them for their life.
