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Protect Your Children from the Dangers of Loneliness

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Chronic loneliness is a killer. In fact, loneliness is as harmful to our health as smoking or a poor diet. Loneliness can also contribute to depression. We do everything we can to protect our children from the dangers of smoking or a poor diet. Why not do what we can to protect them from the dangers of a growing sense of loneliness. We can do that by helping them develop a sense of purpose in their lives. Encouraging them to nurture a healthy social group can help. But, a sense of purpose offers additional protection against loneliness, even beyond what their social interaction can contribute.  How can we help our children find a sense of purpose that will protect them from the dangers of loneliness over their lifetime?

  • Recognize their strengths and talents. Take time to appreciate your children’s abilities and interests. Provide them with opportunities to engage in activities that nurture their abilities and interests. Listen to what others—their teachers, peers, other parents, youth workers, coaches—value about them. Such outside parties can help you see areas of strength that you simply thought of as typical. Identify what your children care about and value. What activities seem to make them “light up”?  What passions seem to drive them and command their attention? This can range from music, theatre, or sports to environmental issues, social issues, or even politics. Once again, nurture those passions with learning opportunities, readings, or activities.
  • Read with your children. Reading provides an opportunity to explore the values of others and how their sense of purpose flows from their values. This exploration can lead to a clarification of purpose and inspiration of purpose. Reading can also nurture a sense of purpose. For instance, reading the biography of people we admire or with whom we share a similar passion, can nurture a sense of purpose. 
  • Turn hurts into healing. Sometimes a painful experience, or empathically witnessing another person’s painful experience, can reveal your child’s passion or even contribute to them developing a specific sense of purpose. 
  • Cultivate awe and gratitude. Both awe and gratitude help us discover our sense of purpose. They point us to our sense of purpose by revealing “something greater than ourselves” and inspiring us to grow beyond our small, self-focused world.
  • Build community with other people who have a similar sense of purpose. Relationships do help us decrease loneliness. However, communities built around a sense of purpose can give added protection from loneliness. You can build such a community around a common interest, volunteer efforts, sports, youth groups, etc.

Not only will helping your child develop a sense of purpose protect them from loneliness, but it will add meaning and joy to their lives as well. And, as a parent, isn’t that what we all want?

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Teach Your Children How to “Mind Read”

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“Mind reading” is one of the most important skills our children can learn. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about crystal ball stuff or telepathy. I mean developing what psychologists call a “theory of mind”—the ability to understand and take the perspective of another person’s feelings and intentions. This “theory of mind” or “mind reading” skill, is not related to intelligence and, even better, can be improved with practice.

What makes “mind reading” so important? For one thing, a recent study showed that “mind reading” skills improve a person’s ability to cooperate with others. It made it easier for them to understand the other person and get in sync with them. It also helped them to recover more quickly when they got out of sync with the other person. “Mind reading” (have a strong theory of mind) also helps a person have greater empathy and greater understanding of the other person’s beliefs and motives.

You can imagine how this “mind reading” skill can benefit relationships with friends, a future spouse, and family. The question becomes: how can we help our children develop beneficial mind reading skills? Good question. Here’s four actions that can get us started.

  • Develop a strong, positive attachment with your child. A strong relationship begins with being aware of your children. Recognize when they are hungry. Remain aware of their emotions. Learn and practice an awareness of their perspective of the world. The next step is to go beyond simple awareness and respond to your child based on that awareness. If you recognize they are hungry, ask if they want a snack. If you see they are tired, encourage them to rest. If they look angry, ask and talk about their feelings. As you practice your theory of mind in this way, your child will learn from your example.
  • Engage in pretend play with your child. Pretend play allows your child to “try on” various perspectives, learning to “think” and “feel” like a fireman, a princess, a mom, a teacher. They practice a wide range of emotions by being angry like a parent, firm like a teacher, scared like a puppy, majestic like a princess, heroic like a superhero, or any number of other imaginary scenarios. They also practice various ways of expressing emotions. Moreover, they can pretend to argue and disagree, learning to “see” the other person’s emotions and thoughts and respond appropriately. All in all, in pretend play our children try on different ways of interacting with the world and so develop a greater ability to “mind read.”
  • Read books and tell stories. Once again, delving into a book and becoming immersed in the characters allows our children to experience another person’s world and so “read their mind” to know their thoughts and emotions. Talk about the characters in the stories. Discuss how they feel, how they express their feelings, how thoughts and situations contribute to those feelings, and how their actions reflect their feelings. You can also discuss whether other responses may have better expressed the feelings to others. This can help them learn to “mind read” and manage their own emotions as well.
  • Talk about emotions, thoughts, and behaviors with your children. Make emotions an open topic for discussion. Learn about the possible thoughts and situations behind various emotions as well as the actions, both positive and negative, that can flow from those thoughts and emotions. Help your children see beyond the surface to the underlying motives and intentions, the hurt and sorrow, joy and celebration behind people’s statements and actions. Talk about your own emotions as well as your children’s emotions and the emotions of characters in movies, their friends, and other people in their lives. Doing so opens their lives to accept the perspectives and emotions of others. It builds their ability to cooperate and have empathy.  

These four actions can help increase your child’s ability to “mind read” (and your ability as well). Even better, this will result in an increased ability to show empathy and cooperate as well. Don’t we need a little more empathy and cooperation in our world? Let it begin in our homes.

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Are You Kind or Image Conscious?

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Imagine you were faced with a choice, a seemingly innocuous choice. For instance, you could watch a movie you’ve been dying to see or go to the fifth game of the fifteen-game series your child will play in this season. Or you could go home for dinner with your spouse or to an after-work social with coworkers at your favorite restaurant.  These examples seem like small, common place choices, don’t they? Let’s add a small caveat to make it more interesting. A wizard or “fairy godmother” shows up. (I know they don’t exist. But stay with me for a moment.) The wizard can tell you exactly how your child or spouse will feel and respond based on your decision in this moment. Do you want to know? Or do you remain in the dark? The choice is yours…and that’s the real choice of this scenario.

Interestingly, in a meta-analysis of 22 studies, 40% of participants chose to remain ignorant of how their choice would impact other people in their lives. And compared to those who were simply told the consequence (with no choice to refuse the information), those who chose to learn the consequences were significantly more likely to show generosity or kindness.

Why would someone intentionally avoid learning the impact of their choices or actions on other people? Why would someone choose “willful ignorance”?  This meta-analysis revealed a disturbing and rather convicting reason. Some people might avoid learning the consequences of their choices so they can maintain a view of themselves as kind while still engaging in what “I want to do,” AKA—selfish behavior. You’ve heard some version of that rational before, I’m sure. Maybe even used it yourself. Sadly, I have. You know, the “I would have come home for dinner, but I didn’t know it mattered so much to you.” “I would have cleaned up the cat’s hairball, but I didn’t see it.”  We tell ourselves we are kind and missed the opportunity to act in kindness because we “just didn’t know” when, in fact, we chose not to know.  By willfully choosing to not know the consequences of our behavior or the need at hand, we believe we have established “deniable culpability” for our lack of kindness. In other words, our willful ignorance becomes a cover for our selfishness.

On the other hand, the psalmist tells us that those who “speak the truth in their hearts” can abide with a loving God (Ps 15:1-2). Perhaps those who “speak the truth in their hearts” are also more likely to abide in a loving family. After all, when we “speak the truth in our hearts” we aren’t going to willfully choose to remain ignorant of our family’s needs nor are we going to willfully choose to ignore needs under the guise of “not knowing.”

Even more to the point, Paul tells those in Corinth that “love…does not seek its own,” it is not selfish. When we choose to remain unaware of how our choices and actions impact our family, we become selfish. We have “sought our own.”  Love “does not seek its own,” not even through willful ignorance. Love is kind. Kindness takes the time to intentionally consider how our choices and actions will impact those we love. Based on that knowledge, kindness compels us to mindfully act in a manner that will prove most beneficial to the ones we love. No hiding the truth so we can do what we want under the guise of not knowing. Just intentionally seeking truth so we can lovingly act in kindness… because love is kind. Will you act in kindness? Or will you join the 40% who choose “willful ignorance”?

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Combatting Loneliness & Negativity in Your Family

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Loneliness impacts our mental and physical health. In fact, it has a similar impact on physical health as smoking 10 cigarettes a day. It can also contribute to depression and anxiety. Knowing this, I want to teach my family how to combat loneliness. Don’t you?

Researchers from the University of Nebraska offer a helpful suggestion in the results of a study they conducted over the span of one year. The 565 participants completed surveys assessing their level of loneliness, social connection, and interpersonal emotional regulation (how a person utilizes their social connections to maintain or improve their emotional state). Participants also completed exercises in which they had to make “snap judgments” about whether ambiguous faces, scenes, and words were positive or negative. These “snap judgments” help determine a person’s emotional outlook, whether it be positive or negative.

Not surprisingly, participants who reported greater loneliness also interpreted the ambiguous faces, scenes, and words more negatively. Loneliness was correlated with negativity…unless one condition existed. Those participants who regularly shared positive (but not negative) experiences with family and friends did not make negative interpretations! In fact, loneliness was not correlated with negativity in those who regularly shared positive experiences with others.

This got me thinking. Could families use this information to buffer the negative impact of loneliness in their families? I believe so… and here are four ways to begin.

  • Each evening, spend 10-15 minutes with your spouse, your children, or your parents sharing positive experiences from your day.
  • Make it a daily routine for each family member to recall at least one positive experience from their day during family dinner.
  • As you prepare for bed, talk with your family and share 3 things that you experienced during the day for which you are grateful.
  • Share something of beauty you experienced during the day. It could be something you saw (a sunrise or a colorful bird) or something you heard (a song or a saying), something natural or something manmade. It may also be an especially meaningful connection you experienced. Share that “thing of beauty” with a family member sometime during the day.

Building these moments of sharing into your daily routine provides the opportunity to share positive emotional experiences with one another. Not only will this enhance your family relationships, but it will also teach each person how to share these positive experiences with others. It will allow them to practice the skills necessary to do so with friends as well as family. This may even enhance friendships and help create new friendships. Of course, this practice will decrease negativity and buffer the negative impact of loneliness for your family as well. For me, that is a thing of beauty that I’d like to share with my family.

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Parental Protection & Your Child’s Resilience

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We are experiencing a mental health crisis in our children that began before the pandemic and escalated through the pandemic. Some of this crisis was precipitated by an overemphasis on children’s safety and overprotectiveness on the part of parents. I find it interesting that children enjoyed more freedom in the 1960’s through the 1980’s even though crime was on the rise at that time. In fact, crime seemed to peak in the 1990’s and has since shown a decrease. Of course, there are still crimes but, overall, crime rates have decreased (See the Crime Statistics compiled by Let Grow.)

Still, news continues to catastrophize our awareness of what crimes do exist, contributing to continued and increased fear in parents. This has often led to parental overprotection and less time spent for children to engage in activities unsupervised by parents. This seems to have contributed to unhealthy coping mechanisms in children—less motivation, less ability to deal with problems in healthy ways, less independence, less confidence. The result of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? Anxiety, depression, substance abuse, defiance. I’m not trying to cast blame. We live in a scary world. It’s scary to let our children “go out into the world alone.” However, we also need to communicate confidence in our children’s ability to navigate the world in an age expected manner while teaching them to navigate it in a growing independent manner as they mature. Doing so will implicitly communicate confidence in their ability and will enhance their resilience and health. How can a parent do this?

  • Begin by identifying your own fears. We all have fears. Parenting is a scary business. As you identify your fears, beware of negative filters. Do a little research. Learn about the true crime statistics. Learn about the benefit of unsupervised play for our children’s ability to problem-solve, take healthy risks, and grow more resilient.  As you learn about your filters, you can escape from the extreme thinking that the world is either terribly unsafe or “pollyannishly” safe. You can wisely discern levels of safety and allow your children to engage in activities appropriate for their level of maturity and self-care while teaching them to grow more independent along the way.
  • Allow your children to experience the frustration of difficult situations like going to a new place (one you have researched and determined as safe) on their own. Let them go to the local recreation center without you. Let them walk to the park alone. Let them take a bus to their friend’s house independently. Let them walk to the local grocery store to pick up a few grocery items for you. It’s scary to let them go out alone. But by letting them go independently (after you have taught them how) they grow rightfully and wisely confident in their own abilities and strengths.
  • Encourage your children’s curiosity. Encourage them to explore places and thoughts. Let them learn about ideas and locations.
  • Listen to what your children want to do and negotiate the parameters. Teach them to think through an activity or outing before embarking on that outing. Teach them to consider the possibilities and prepare.

It’s one of the biggest parenting challenges we face: letting our children grow independent. The first walk to school without a parent, the first walk to the park alone, their first independent trip to the grocery store, their first time driving alone…it all arouses a parent’s anxiety (at least it did for me). But we have to teach them the skills they need to “go at it alone” and trust that they have learned. We have to trust we have taught them well. Trust they have learned. Trust they will implement that knowledge. And let them go. Each time they do, our trust will grow, and their confidence and resilience will grow as well.

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Marriage, Money, & Your Bank Account

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When people get married, they have several decisions to make. Some of those decisions center on finances…and these financial decisions reflect beliefs about power and trust. With that in mind, researchers have completed studies to discover the impact of having a joint account versus separate accounts in a marriage.

A longitudinal study published in March of 2023, assigned newlywed or engaged couples to one of three conditions for managing their finances: 1) merge money into a joint account, 2) maintain separate accounts, or 3) manage their finances in any way they want. Couples who pooled their finances into a joint account reported increases in their perceived relationship quality over a 2-year period. The other two groups reported an expected decline in relationship satisfaction over the first 2 years of marriage. The research supported three potential reasons that pooling money in a joint account would lead to greater relationship satisfaction:

  1. It promoted financial goal agreement. The couples felt like they were on the same team as they created shared goals and priorities.
  2. It improved how married couples felt about the way in which they handled their money. Both these points remind me of how important communication is within a marriage. When a couple pools their money in a joint account, they must communicate goals and desires about finances with one another. They have to discuss expenditures and determine priorities around those expenditures. Perhaps, this communication increased their sense of being a team, of working together, and increased their positive feelings about how they managed their money.
  3. It increased each person’s willingness to do things for the other without expecting something in return. That’s an interesting result to me. It seems slightly removed from pure financial matters. However, it makes sense. Communication about finances allows the couple to learn about what money means to their spouse and about their spouse’s priorities, especially around finances in this case. Communicating to work toward common goals will increase their trust in their spouse. As a result of this growing interpersonal knowledge and trust, each one will grow in their willingness to do things for the other without expecting a “tit-for-tat” response.

This study also suggests that the act of pooling money in a joint account actually contributed to a happier and more enduring relationship. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Money in and of itself does not create happiness. However, how we communicate about money and how we enact our priorities through money can impact our happiness and the intimacy in our relationship. By putting finances into a joint account, a couple puts themselves in apposition to learn better ways of communicating about priorities and values while working as a team to move toward those priorities with their finances. So, would you like a happier marriage? Consider a joint account.

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Don’t Let These Parenting Myths Hinder Your Effective Parenting

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Before I became a parent, I worked with children in social services. I came to think of myself as a kind of expert on parenting (Oh the hubris of youth). Then I had children and discovered what every parent I worked with already knew—I had no idea what I was talking about. Our children are unique. Our families are unique. And how we discipline often depends on the individual child, their individual parent, and their individual environment. I had bought into the myth that we can use a cookie-cutter approach to parenting, a one-size-fits-all style of parenting. Sure, there are broad truths for parenting, but there are also nuances specific to every child and every family. We need to learn about our children and their uniqueness to most effectively parent.

There are several other parenting myths that hinder our efforts at raising our children. We need to identify these myths and get rid of them in our families. When we do, our efforts at parenting will have greater effectiveness and our children will more joyfully mature. Here are four myths we need to replace with truth.

  • Myth #1: My child needs to respect me because I’m their parent; but I will respect them when they earn it. On the contrary, our children learn the meaning of respect and how to respect others by witnessing how we respect them and others. They will treat us with a level of respect similar to the respect we give them. (See The Power of a Father’s Example for more.)
  • Myth #2: If I don’t yell, my children won’t listen. Two things to consider. One, yelling is ineffective. Two, listening is a learned behavior. Too often parents teach their children to not listen until they yell. They have taught their children to not take them seriously unless they yell. You can encourage listening by calmly following through on consequences rather than repeating and nagging until you blow up and yell. Teach your children to listen before you get angry.
  • Myth #3: My children should obey me just because I said so. Actually, this leaves children with no understanding of the intent and motive behind the rule. When we teach our children the reasons behind the rules we enforce, they gain a reference point—a guiding star for future choices they will make as they mature and we aren’t around to tell them what to do. In other words, learning the reasons behind the rules gives our children the tools to make wise choices.
  • Myth #4: My parents did it this way and I turned out okay. Thank God you turned out okay. But should we repeat every choice and behavior our parents made? Do we want our children to simply turn out okay? Instead of simply repeating what our parents did, we need to parent wisely. We can repeat the positive aspects of our parents’ discipline and recognize the negative aspects of their parenting efforts so we can “do it differently.”  For instance, we can continue to celebrate our children’s birthdays with a special meal but stop the excessive drinking (getting drunk) at that celebration. We can enjoy playing catch with our children without resorting to belittling name-calling when they exhibit undeveloped skills. You get the idea. Parent wisely, not simply mimicking our parents’ style but improving upon their parenting style so our children can be “better than okay.”

Someday our children will be raising their own children. I hope they will have experienced the love and nurturance from us that will allow them to improve on our parenting. And I hope they will not even have to deal with the four myths that you have already replaced with truth.

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Don’t Squelch Your Little Creative Genius

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Children are born creative geniuses. At least that’s what a study by George Landis of NASA discovered (Learn more about that study in this TedTalk). He had developed a test for NASA to determine the creativity of job applicants. As they gave it to job applicants, questions arose—like, “Where does creativity come from?” and “Are we born creative, or do we learn creativity?” In an attempt to get some answers to these questions, they utilized this test of creativity to discover the level of creativity in children.  

  • They tested 1,600 children (4- to 5-years of age) and found that 98% fell into the category of creative genius.
  • They then tested the same children 5 years later (at about 10-years of age). The percentage who tested in the genius category of imagination fell to 30%.
  • Again, the children were tested at 15-years of age. The percentage fell to 12%.
  • They also gave the test to about 2,800 adults and found the percentage of adults falling into the category of genius was only 2%.

How discouraging is that? The creativity of a person seemed to decrease over time. The authors of this study believe this decline occurred because we teach our children to judge and criticize ideas before dreaming or generating new ideas, even instead of dreaming or generating new ideas. We teach them to seek the “one right answer,” even for new problems that arise. In doing so, we silence the creative idea generating parts of our brain.

We face many “new” problems in our world today, problems ranging from technology to social relationships to environmental needs. In other words, creativity could prove a valuable asset in our world. Fortunately, we are all born with a streak of creative genius. For the sake of our world and our happiness, we need our children to flourish as creative geniuses as they mature. We need them to maintain their creative flare so they can meet the challenges of this world with various solutions…and we need our own 5-year-old creative genius to reemerge and help us to start our families on a new and creative path of solutions to the challenges we face today. How can we do this?

  • Create opportunities for creative expression. Allow your children the opportunity to engage in creative activities and creative problem-solving.
  • Stop and listen to creative moments that naturally arise. When your child offers a suggestion or a possible solution to some problem, stop and listen. Even if it sounds outlandish at first, stop and consider the possibility. Rather than judge or criticize, talk about their thoughts and ideas. Talk through the possibilities with them. When your child creates an art project, observe it and recognize a particular aspect you like or find interesting rather than judge and criticize. Who cares if the sky is green or the fish have wings? Allow creative expression and exploration. You will be pleasantly surprised by your child’s creative reasoning.
  • Encourage a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. You can do this by acknowledging effort more than outcome. Recognize specific details about their work rather than offering global praises and acknowledgments. Avoid labeling your child as “creative” or “not creative.” Rather than label, simply acknowledge their effort and the interesting details of their project.
  • Also, frame “failures” and “setbacks” as opportunities to learn. This also contributes to a growth mindset. Besides, when you think about it, creativity is all about learning from what doesn’t work and applying what you learn in a new way to discover a new solution. Allow your children the joy of failures and setbacks along with the opportunities to learn from them.  
  • Play. Have fun and play. You might even make up the game if you don’t have one in mind already. You can also enjoy playing with words by telling jokes or stories. Play with music by singing or playing an instrument. Even make an instrument. Play catch. Play a sport. Play slow motion tag. Play anything you like…just play and have fun.
  • Encourage curiosity. Travel. Try a new food. Go to an art museum. Play a new game. Enjoy new and novel activities. All of this will encourage curiosity.

Creativity adds joy to life. Creativity supports resilience and perseverance. Creativity opens the door to creating a better world for our children and grandchildren. Nurture your creativity and your children’s creativity…it will make the world a better place.

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The Impact on Your Child of How You Feel About Their Other Parent

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It’s true. Mothers and fathers often have different ideas about raising children. They come to the parenting relationship with different styles and even different priorities, all of which can be negotiated through discussions and compromise.  In fact, it’s important to work out those differences because how one parent sees the other parent’s level of cooperation and competence has a huge impact on their child’s behavior and future social relations.  

A study out of The Ohio State University revealed that the way parents viewed their coparent played a crucial role in the behavioral and social adjustment of their children. This study involved 2,915 low-income couples with children under 5-years-old and living in one of seven U.S. states. At the start of the study, parents were asked how they related to one another as parents. In other words, they were asked about their coparenting relationship. Their answers led the research team to separate them into four groups:

  • Group 1: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “highly positive.” This group made up 43% of the total.
  • Group 2: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the mothers were less positive about the father’s parenting. This group made up 32% of the total.
  • Group 3: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the fathers were less positive about the mother’s parenting. This group comprised 16% of the total.
  • Group 4: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as being of “low quality.” Fortunately, this group comprised only 9% of the total.

Eighteen months later, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behavioral adjustment and social competence.  Not surprisingly, the children of parents who both reported having a “highly positive” coparenting relationship (Group 1) showed the best adjustment. They exhibited the fewest behavioral problems and the highest level of social competence.  Group 2 also showed a high level of adjustment—fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence.

The final two groups showed the lowest levels of adjustment. Interesting, a father’s negative perception of the mother’s coparenting (Group 3) had a greater negative impact on children’s behavior and social competence than a mother’s negative perception of a father’s coparenting (Group 2). Of course, when both parents reported a poor coparenting relationship, the children struggled the most with behavioral adjustment and social competence.

With this in mind, if you want your child to have fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence, focus on nurturing a strong coparenting relationship with their other parent.

  • Accept differences. You will have different ideas and styles than your children’s other parent. Most of those differences will be minor. For instance, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble play. Mothers tend to offer more nurturance. Fathers encourage “shaking it off.” Mothers tend to comfort first. In my marriage, I tend to be the one willing to get dessert or a special treat as part of our “get together.” My wife enjoys a more interactive engagement without food. Accept those differences. Allow the other parent the freedom to parent slightly differently than you.
  • Discuss and negotiate aspects you deem most important. You will discover some areas of parental responsibility that you believe essential. Talk with the other parent about those areas of parenting. Explain your reasons and your concerns. Negotiate. Listen. Compromise.
  • Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their other parent. Let both parents enjoy one-on-one time with each child as well as periods of time in which each parent has sole responsibility for all the children. We not only connect through the fun experiences but through the daily chores of parenting—changing diapers, doing household chores together, engaging in activities together, and even running errands together.
  • Never “bad mouth” your child’s other parent. No name-calling, undermining, or demeaning. Encourage your children to respect and honor their other parent through your example as well as your instruction.
  • Keep your child’s other parent up-to-date. Communicate appointments and activities. Share information about physical changes or needs, friends, and community involvement.
  • Disagree in private. You will inevitably have disagreements with the other parent. When you do, wait until you are alone with them before discussing the disagreement. Ask them about their perception, intent, and motive rather than jumping to a negative assumption. After hearing their intent and motives, explain your concerns. Listen. Negotiate. Compromise.
  • Discipline together. Don’t leave the discipline to one parent. Both parents need to assist in discipline. Support one another in discipline. If you disagree, disagree in private. Your children will benefit from seeing you and their other parent working together for their good.
  • Communicate. Listen. Express yourself. Listen. Communicate.

These practices will help you nurture a positive relationship with your children’s other parent. That strong coparenting relationship will help decrease your children’s behavioral problems. It will also increase their social competence. Those two outcomes are well worth nurturing a positive coparenting relationship.

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Help Your Teen Stop Ruminating

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Teens have repetitive thoughts; actually, we all do. Those thoughts can become ruminations when teens (or adults) start to think obsessively about them. Ruminating on negative thoughts will increase a person’s level of stress and discomfort. It can also lead to anxiety and depression. It hinders and even prevents us from experiencing a happier, more satisfying life. But can we change those ruminating thoughts? If so, how can we teach our teens to stop ruminating on negative thoughts? The answer to the first question is “Yes, we can change those ruminating thoughts and even learn to ruminate less.” A study involving 145 teens helps us answer the second question by exploring how to teach teens to stop their ruminating thoughts.

To begin the experiment, researchers induced a negative mood in the teens who had volunteered for the study. They did this by creating a feeling of exclusion for each teen. Then they split the teens into four groups: two “rumination groups” and two “distraction groups.” The “rumination groups” were prompted to ruminate using verbal thoughts in one group and mental imagery (mental pictures) in the other group. Likewise, the “distraction group” was prompted to distract themselves using verbal thoughts in one group or mental imagery in the other group. While each of the four groups followed their prompts, the researchers monitored the activity of their heart and skin conductance (measures of stress). In addition, the teens rated their “current emotional state” at four different points during the study. What did the researchers discover?

Teens ruminate using both verbal thoughts and mental imagery. This study showed that both verbal rumination and rumination using mental imagery had an equally negative impact on the teen’s mood.

On the other hand, mental imagery proved more effective and powerful than verbal thoughts in distracting the teens from ruminating. Mental imagery, in other words, was more effective at stopping ruminating thoughts. Why? Because focusing on a mental image, a mental picture, required more effort and consumed more mental space. So, what does this mean for you and your teen?

You can use this finding to help your teen manage their emotions, to help them learn how to not be overwhelmed with worry and anxiety. In other words, you can use this information to help our teens stop ruminating. First, begin by practicing the use of mental imagery yourself. Our teens learn best from our example. When worried thoughts begin to pile up in your mind, invest your energy in creating a mental image unrelated to the worry. For instance, you might focus on your favorite vacation spot. In the study described above, the mental image was simply “a lemon in various conditions.”  I like to suggest people use a silly image at times—like a sky-blue Volkswagen being driven by a giraffe whose neck and head stick out the sky light while a pink elephant sits crammed into the passenger seat.  Pick your image. Let it be one that brings a chuckle or a sense of peace. Focus on the sensations inherent in the image—the colors, smells, physical sensations, sounds, etc. Let the image fill your mind.

Second, teach your children and teens how to use this skill. Teach them to pick a mental image that will utilize the mental energy currently deployed in the service of ruminating and fill them with a sense of peace or give them a chuckle instead.

Of course, you still want to do whatever you can to respond to any reasonable concern (worry). For instance, picturing yourself on a beach can reduce excessive and unnecessary worry about an upcoming test, but it won’t help you pass the test. Only studying will do that. And studying will also reduce your worry about passing the test. Which gives rise to the third point. Do the work necessary to address the concern. Sometimes the best way to beat the worry and anxiety of rumination is to actually get to work and address the concern.

Don’t let rumination interfere with your teen’s contentment and joy in life. Teach them, by example and instruction, to do the work necessary to address any legitimate concern. If ruminating thoughts persist, teach them to utilize mental imagery to stop the rumination.

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