Parents want their children to experience happiness. Still we, as parents, must ask ourselves: what really makes our children happy? Is it simply getting what they want? Or is there something more to their happiness? If we believe that children only experience happiness when they get what they want or obtain their personal desire, we risk raising spoiled children…or, fighting with them tooth and nail to teach them a “better way,” a way that goes against we believe as their nature.

I believe there is more to children’s happiness than simply “getting what they want.” I believe they have a deeper sense of kindness and morality than we often give them credit for. In fact, a review of the research in the area of child happiness (published in Child Development Perspectives) reveals this deeper sense of morality and a more nuanced drive for happiness in our children. Specifically, this research review suggests that children associate happiness with doing and being good as well as getting things they like. It suggests that children find a “pleasurable reward” in “behaving morally.” A summary of this research review cited two studies as examples. In one, 4- to 9-year-olds thought “mean” people less happy than nice people, even though they had the same level of material fulfillment, they had the same level of “getting what they wanted.” Hmmm…nice people are happy. That’s a good thought to nurture in 4- to- 9-year-old children.

Another study found that 9- to 10-year-olds predicted happiness based on pro-social behaviors. In other words, they predicted that those who engaged in positive social interactions with others (kindness & sharing for example) were happier.

Interesting, right? Children have a sense of morality, a sense of joy that comes from acts of kindness and positive behaviors. In fact, they experience happiness, a “pleasurable reward,” when they engage in acts of kindness and positive moral behavior. This has amazing implications for parents. Sure, parents still have to discipline and teach. They need to put limits and boundaries around dangerous behaviors and behaviors that appear fun in the short-term but can have long-term negative results as well—behaviors like eating too many sweets, losing sleep to play video games, mindlessly scrolling, avoiding homework and chores to watch TV, etc. But this review also suggests that we need not give in to our children’s every desire to see them happy. Instead, we can nurture their desire to “be nice”—to do kind things for others and engage in moral behaviors in general. Behavior morally will have its own “pleasurable reward” for our children. You know what’s really cool about this finding? As parents nurture kindness in their children by practicing kindness with them, they will experience a doubly pleasurable reward: the pleasure that comes from engaging in kind behaviors and the pleasure that comes from seeing our children grow in kindness as well. That’s a doubly pleasurable reward.