The media often stereotypes teens as sullen and not wanting to talk to adults… avoiding meaningful conversations with adults 24/7/365 days a year. By twisting information to fit this stereotype, we (the adults in their lives) avoid responsibility for our part in a teen’s lack of interaction with us; and we begin to interpret a teen’s style of interaction as a lack of desire. In fact, teens do desire to interact and converse with adults, especially the adults in their family. They thrive when they connect with their parents and other adults. We, as their parents and other involved adults, can help increase their willingness to continue conversing with us by learning about them and about us. Two studies can help us do this.

One study helps us learn about our teens. After surveying seventh graders in New York City, the researchers of this study suggest that teens are curious on an interpersonal level. That curiosity compels them to reach out to others and get to know about others as well as themselves. Specifically, this study found teens fell into one of four types of “interpersonal curiosity.”

• Curiosity about me. These teens wanted to learn how others genuinely thought about them. They were curious about “what you think about me.”
• Curiosity about you. Teens in this category expressed a curiosity to know about the person with whom they were interacting. For instance, they may want to know about your biggest fear, what you enjoy most and why, or what makes you happy.
• Curiosity about our relationship. This category of curiosity sought to learn about how the other person thinks and feels about our relationship. It may involve discussing “your favorite memory of us” or “what we have done that you most enjoy.”
• Finally, curiosity about your relationships. Teens understand that adults have more relationships than the one with them. They show curiosity about those other relationships. This may include questions like “how did you and mom meet” or “what was your relationship with your parents like” or “who is your friend and why.”

When teens exhibited curiosity in any one or more of these four areas they tended to exhibit more empathy, engage in more active listening, and have better quality friendships. With this in mind, engage the teens in your life from their style of interest in people and relationships. Explore their “interpersonal curiosity” and enjoy a deepening relationship.

A second study teaches us about ourselves and how we can best respond to our teens. This study suggests that teens who receive positive, engaged responses when they share about life-related problems experienced lower depressive symptoms (even 9 months later). Positive, engaged responses include asking clarifying questions or saying something supportive. This makes sense, doesn’t it? Teens, like all of us, want to talk more to people who respond to them in positive, supportive ways. Do you respond to your teen’s comments and attempts to interact in a positive, supportive way? Or do you let the rush of life shape your response into a curt answer or irritated glance? Do you minimize their emotional expression about the “drama” in their life? Or respond with sarcasm? Those are not positive, engaged responses and will lead to less conversations with our teens over the long run. If we want our teens to talk with us, we need to respond in a positive, supportive manner.

It’s true. Our teens do want to engage us in conversation. But to maximize that conversation, we would do well to learn their interpersonal curiosity and respond to their attempts at interaction in a positive, supportive manner. Give it a try. You’ll love the results.