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The Key to Happiness for You & Your Family

Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz authored a book entitled The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness.  One of the authors (Waldinger) is the current director of the ongoing and longest-running study on happiness being conducted at Harvard. The study has been gathering data since the 1930’s. Throughout this study, one thing has continuously shown to “demonstrate its broad and enduring importance” to happiness. What is it? Good relationships. It’s true. Relationships contribute to happiness more than achievement, money, or health. We are a people designed for relationships. Healthy relationships make us happy. So, if you want to be happier, nurture your relationships.

I suggest that you start by nurturing a healthy relationship with your spouse. Invest in your marriage. You can nurture your marriage by:

  • Looking for and telling your spouse things you adore and admire about them.
  • Talking about your day with your spouse.
  • Expressing gratitude to your spouse for all they do for you, your family, and your home.
  • Sharing a hug and a kiss every time you separate and reunite…and sometimes just because you love them.
  • Accepting influence from your spouse. Men, be the leader in accepting influence (AKA-submission) in your family.
  • Going on a date, even if it’s a “stay-at-home date” (sometimes they’re the best).
  • Praying for one another.

Invest in your relationship with your children as well.

  • Make the time to engage your children every day. You might engage them in a conversation or in a game. However you choose to do it, make time for your children every day.
  • Be curious about their interests and dreams. Nurture and support those interests.
  • Learn about the friends in your children’s lives. Also learn about those peers who grieve them somehow.
  • Share appropriate physical affection with your children.
  • Let your children live their dreams. In fact, support and encourage those dreams.
  • Pray for your children.

Invest in your relationship with your parents.

  • Enjoy time with your parents. Visit them. Talk with them on the phone.
  • Share your dreams for the future with your parents.
  • Listen to their stories of the past…and learn from those stories.
  • Give your parents a hug.
  • Pray for your parents.

Your spouse and your family cannot provide all the relationships you need. Invest in your relationships with friends.

  • Make time to get together with friends.
  • Go on double dates.
  • Get your families together.

Relationships are the spice of life…and they begin in the family. Nurture your relationships to nurture your happiness. And, when you start in the home, you’re also nurturing the happiness of your spouse and your children.

Will Becoming a Parent Strengthen or Weaken Your Marriage

Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? Well, it depends. Becoming a parent carries a great deal of responsibility. It demands our time and our efforts. It occupies our mind 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s no wonder then, that the demanding responsibilities of becoming a parent can either strengthen or weaken our marriages. Why does it strengthen some and weaken others? What makes the difference?  More importantly, how can we make sure that parenting will strengthen our marriages and not weaken them? Those are good questions. Here are five aspects of parenting that will determine whether becoming a parent strengthens or weakens your relationship to your spouse, the “love of your life.”

  • Your ability to accept your differences. Let’s face it. No one marries a clone of themselves. (And really, who would want to?) You are different than our spouse. All that being said, you and your spouse will likely have some different ideas when it comes to parenting. You will have different ways of interacting with your children. For instance, men often tend to engage in more rough-and-tumble play while women often seem more nurturing and comforting. Sure, men comfort and women play, but generally speaking, men and women engage their children differently. And our children benefit from both types of interactions. Accept those differences.
  • Your ability to compromise. You and your spouse have different backgrounds. You likely experienced different styles of parenting when you were growing up in your respective homes. Discuss those differences in parenting ideology. Share your ideas with one another. Then, compromise. Yes. Compromise. Pick the best of both styles of parenting and compromise. If you struggle to compromise, seek advice from a mentor or counselor.
  • Your ability and determination to support one another. Becoming a parent can arouse every insecurity you ever had. You will likely second guess yourself and wonder if you’re doing the right thing or not. And sometimes you will make mistakes. (Fortunately love covers a multitude of mistakes.) When you have doubts, find a quiet place with your spouse and ask them for input. And if you disagree with something your spouse does as a parent, don’t disagree and fight about it in front of your children. Instead, find a quiet place where you can talk with your spouse one-on-one about what happened. Share ideas. Come up with a plan of how you can both respond “the next time” a similar situation arises. In other words, support one another. Invest as a couple 100% but agree that when one needs a rest, the other will “pick up the slack.” Work together. Compliment. Encourage. Support one another.
  • Communicate. All three of the suggestions so far involve one thing: Communication. Learn to communicate with your spouse in a respectful, loving way. Approach with love. Speak gently and calmly. Listen intently and fully. Communication is the heart of a life-long marriage.
  • Invest in your marriage. It is easy to get so caught up in raising children that your marriage “gets put on the back burner.” Don’t let that happen. One of the greatest gifts you can provide for your children is a happy marriage. Let them bear witness to your love. Allow them to see you give your spouse a simple hug and kiss…often. Let them hear you tell your spouse, “I love you” every day. Sure, they will say “Ewww.” But knowing you love one another will also provide them with a sense of security. So, plan regular date nights. Take time to encourage your children to “entertain themselves” while you and your spouse talk about the day. Let your children know that your spouse is your first love and will continue to be your love, even after they have “flown the coup.”  Invest in your marriage.     

Will becoming a parent strengthen or weaken your marriage? It depends on your intentional effort to accept your differences, compromise, support one another, communicate, and invest in your marriage. Practice wisely and give your children the precious gift of witnessing their parents in a stronger, healthier marriage.

Boost Your Child’s Motivation…How?

Most parents have experienced the struggle of motivating their children to complete homework, do a chore, “get a job,” or any number of other things. It can become a huge exercise in frustration as parents try alternative ways of motivating their children. Sometimes we offer our children financial rewards to help motivate them. Sometimes that works…sometimes it doesn’t. But, one study found that framing those rewards differently actually boosts motivation by 50%.

In this study, participants were rewarded in one of two ways for engaging in daily exercise. One group received $1.40 each day they exercised for 30 days (they gained a reward). Another group was given $42 at the beginning of the 30-day study and had $1.40 taken away each day they did not exercise (they lost their reward). A third group was simply asked to exercise daily for 30 days (no reward). Guess which group exercised most often. You got it. The group that received a daily reward ($1.40 a day) did NOT exercise significantly more than the group that was simply asked to exercise. But the group that would lose $1.40 each day they did not exercise actually exercised 50% more days than the other two groups. The potential for losing the reward boosted motivation 50% over the potential of gaining a reward.

What does this mean for a parent? If you give your child an allowance, you might want to consider changing how you do it. Rather than giving your child their allowance at the end of the week for the work they have already done, give them an allowance at the start of the week by placing it in a jar or someplace else where they can see it. For each chore not completed, take a predetermined amount of money out of the jar. (Let them loose their reward.) Inform your children that they “paid you” to do the chore. Let them see how their money “slips away” as they neglect their chores. In other words, let them lose their reward as a consequence of neglecting their chores. Then, at the end of the week, give them what is left. The potential for losing the allowance (the reward) may just motivate them more than having to earn an unseen reward.

Have a Conversation & Call Me in the Morning…Doctor’s Orders

All of us want to enjoy a happy, low stress life. Perhaps even more, we want our children to have a happy, low stress life. I’d like to say if found a way to make that happen 100% of the time…unfortunately, I can’t.  But a recent study suggests that one simple activity, done on a daily basis, will lead to a greater sense of well-being, reduced stress and greater happiness. 

The study involved 900 participants and revealed that engaging in one quality conversation during the day led to a greater sense of well-being at the end of the day. If the person engaged in more than one quality conversations during the day, they experienced an even greater sense of well-being.  Not surprisingly, “face-to-face” communication was more closely related with well-being than electronic or social media contact. A quality conversation may include catching up with a friend, joking around, listening, discussing a meaningful topic, sharing opinions in a manner to promote mutual understanding, or offering sincere compliments. With this information in mind, how can you encourage daily conversation for your family members? After all, doing so will contribute to a greater sense of well-being for your spouse and children.

First, enjoy conversation within your family. I know it sounds obvious but talk to one another every day. Talk about your day, current events, or future plans. Share your fear, joys, sorrows, and moments of pride with one another.  Remember, you don’t need to agree to have a quality conversation. You do need to listen, understand, appreciate, and accept.

Second, encourage friendships. Allow your family to get involved in various groups in which they can develop friendships. Your children and your spouse (even you) will benefit from opportunities to have meaningful relationships and meaningful conversations outside the home. To help your child do this, you may become their friendship coach.

Pretty simple, right? Enjoy conversations within your family. Encourage friendships in which family members can enjoy conversations with those outside your family. As the authors of this study said, the “more you listen, the more you show you care, the more you take time to value other people’s opinions, the more you connect, the better you… will feel at the end of the day….” and so will your family.

Your Answer Will Ripple Through the Generations

Let me ask you a question: “How do you feel about feelings?” Some people “feel” that feelings are dangerous. Others “feel” that feelings make them soft and vulnerable. As a result, they are fearful that feelings leave them unsafe, or, dismissive of feelings that make them weak. All these responses lead people to ignore feelings and to teach their children to do the same. In fact, they may even punish children for having feelings—for instance, sending them into isolation (their room) until they “calm down, quit crying, or learn to talk politely.” Although this may alleviate a parent’s discomfort with their child’s emotions, it also serves to rob their child of the opportunity to learn ways of communicating their emotions to others and of effectively regulating their emotions in themselves. Robbed of these skills, children have a greater risk for depression, angry outbursts, and anxiety. They may act impulsively and exhibit a lack of empathy as well.

Fortunately, there is a way of “feeling about feelings” that proves more beneficial to families and their children. This involves “emotional coaching.” Families who practice emotional coaching “feel” that feelings are expressions of priorities and values. They believe that emotions represent things of importance to the person with the feeling. On the flip side, they know that expression of emotion also gives everyone else in the family important information about that person’s character and priorities.

Emotions are like an “open book” revealing a person’s deeper values and interests.  By recognizing and accepting each person’s emotions, the family learns about each other’s nuanced interests and values. Each person learns to open up and communicate their feelings. This, in turn, allows for greater intimacy and support. In addition, people learn to become aware of emotions before they escalate in themselves and others. They have greater self-awareness, and so better self-regulation. They have a better ability to recognize emotions in others and so a better sense of empathy.

As you can imagine, dismissing emotions and coaching emotions will have an immense impact on your family and your children. And which one you choose will create a ripple that will impact your family through the generations for better or worse.

To let your family benefit from the “better side” of this ripple effect, practice emotional coaching. Learn to be accepting of emotions. Remember, emotions are not good or bad in and of themselves. They simply provide information about priorities and things of value. Accept the emotion. Listen to the emotion. Validate the feeling and the priority under the emotion.  As you listen and show empathy for your child’s emotions, your child will learn the value of emotions.

Don’t stop by simply listening and validating. Take the next step and label your children’s emotions. By labeling their emotions, you help them develop an emotional vocabulary. Having an emotional vocabulary will help your child manage their emotions in an effective manner. It gives them a vocabulary with which to express themselves and their emotions, which can lead to greater intimacy and better problem-solving.

When your child knows you accept and understand their feelings, they will likely begin to “calm down” and regain emotional control. At that point, you can discuss how they might want to respond to whatever is arousing that emotion within them. This problem-solving will include how they might address the priority behind the emotion in a way that will best promote that priority.   

These three steps will begin to help you become an emotional coach for your child. As you continue practicing emotional coaching with your children and yourself, the benefits will ripple through your family for generations.

Your Daughter’s Body Image, Humor, & You

Humor is a powerful method of communication. In fact, how a woman uses humor can impact her body image. And do you know who contributes to how your daughter learns to use humor? You…her parent. But I get ahead of myself. Let me return to “how a woman uses humor can impact her body image.”

Research completed at the University of Surrey and published in the fall of 2022 surveyed 216 women to analyze their style of humor and their body perception. The styles of humor included coping humor, self-enhancing humor, and self-defeating humor. Coping humor represents a person’s general use of humor to cope with stressful events. Self-enhancing humor represents a person’s ability to see the “absurdities of life, even when alone,” and then use those observations in a humorous way to maintain positive levels of self-esteem. Self-defeating humor, on the other hand, often involves self-denigrating comments about “my” self-perceived weaknesses in an attempt to connect with others. (Can you see where this is going?)

Results indicated:

  • Coping humor was only associated with less body criticism, but not with “body positive” attributes like appreciating one’s body and recognizing the common humanity of various body types (body kindness).
  • Self-enhancing humor, on the other hand, was associated with higher levels of body appreciation and body kindness. It was also associated with less emotional eating than those who used self-defeating humor.
  • Self-defeating humor was associated with higher body criticism, lower engagement in body appreciation, a higher drive for thinness (defined as excessive concern about dieting and weight gain), and increased emotional eating.

What does this mean for our families? We want our daughters to learn the benefits of humor—specifically, coping humor and self-enhancing humor. We want them to experience the benefits of using humor in a healthy way not in a self-defeating way. (“Don’t take my picture, I might break your camera.” “Slow down, my short legs barely reach the ground.”) 

As stated above, our daughters learn their sense of humor from us, their parents. They will model the way we use humor about ourselves. They will repeat how we use humor about them as well. As a result, we need to use wisdom in our humor. Focus on humor that lifts people up (including ourselves) and enhances those around us, especially our daughters. It will help our daughters have a better body image, a greater level of kindness toward themselves and their body, and a higher level of motivation to care for their body in healthy ways.  So, before you crack that joke about eating or clothes or some other pointed topic…think twice. Only use humor in love and kindness.

Want Your Child to Listen Better? Then Play!

Children don’t always listen the way we’d like. Who are we kidding? Adults don’t always listen the way we’d like either. In fact, I don’t always listen as attentively as I know I should. Come to think of it, if children learn to listen by following our examples, it’s no wonder they don’t listen the way we’d like. Sorry, I digress. I just want to share an activity you can utilize to help your children listen better. This activity also gives us, as parents, the experience of listening deeply to our children. What is the activity? Play.

Yes, playing with our children will help them listen better.  Not just any type of play activity though. I’m talking about imaginative play activities like drawing, dolls, building, or dress up.

And not just play with anyone, but with you—their parent. This is an opportunity for you to enjoy time with your child and learn about them. Children become close to those who engage in activities with them. This becomes an opportunity for you to deepen your relationship with your child. A deeper relationship will contribute to their ability to listen to you in the future.

And not just any type of play will do for this activity. No, for this activity engage your child in child-directed play, play in which you follow their lead. They become the leader and you follow. They determine the direction and course of the play. As a parent engaged in this type of play, avoid giving directions, ideas, or suggestions. Simply follow their lead.

Researchers have developed the acronym P.R.I.D.E. to help parents know how to respond to their child while engaging in child-directed play. The “P” in PRIDE stands for “Praising” your child. I prefer to say, “Acknowledge what your child is doing.” Acknowledge specific things about your child’s speech, actions, or work rather than global aspects. For example, “I love the bright colors you dress Barbie in” or “That is a tall tower” rather than simply “How pretty,” “You’re good with fashions,” or “Good job.” Specific acknowledgements (praise) prove more effective than global acknowledgement. Also, acknowledge behaviors you want to encourage in your child. For example, “Thank you for letting me take a turn” or “You asked so politely, thank you.”

The “R” in PRIDE reminds us to reflect verbally on our children’s description of the play. For instance, if your child says, “The tower falls down” as they knock it over, you might reflect by saying, “Ahhh. The tower falls with a crash.”

The “I” in PRIDE prompts us to imitate our children’s play. Imitate them by engaging in parallel play or by following their directive on how to interact. If they dress a doll, you can dress another doll (parallel play). If their doll interacts with your doll, reciprocate (interact). If they build with Legos, you build with Legos (parallel play). If they say, “I need green ones,” hand them some green Legos (interact). Engage in parallel play and follow their directives on how to interact.

The “D” in PRIDE advises us to describe what our children are doing. Act like a sportscaster and narrate your child’s play. “Barbie is putting on a pretty blue dress.” “You just put a red Lego on that tall tower.” “You are standing tall as the king of your kingdom.”  Simply describing your child’s actions informs them that you arere engaged in their play and interest in them…that you are “listening” to them deeply.

The “E” in PRIDE stands for enthusiasm. Engage your child in this child-directed play with your full attention and with an appropriate level of energy. You don’t need to go overboard with a level of energetic enthusiasm that overwhelms your child. Simply responding with “Wow, those are lovely colors” communicates your interest in them and their world. A simple smile or a high five can fill a child with joy. The main goal is to show your child, through your words and actions, that you are genuinely and authentically interested in them and happy to interact with them. In other words, they are valuable to you.

The good news is that research has shown this type of play strengthens the parent-child relationship. And a stronger relationship leads to better listening. Research also suggests that this type of play increases a child’s attention span and social skills.  I believe it also teaches us, as parents, how to listen deeply to our children…and children who feel heard listen better, especially to those they feel listen to them.

Now for the fun part. Grab your child and model how well you can listen by engaging them in child-directed play. You’ll enjoy the play and the relationship you gain as a result.

Subtle Kindnesses That Will Save Your Marriage

Many marriages that end in divorce failed due to a lack of kindness. In fact, research reveals kindness as one of the most important predictors of satisfaction and stability in marriage. It makes each partner feel valued, understood, and validated. I’m not just talking about the grandiose shows of kindness—the big gifts, the beautiful vacations. No, those moments don’t make a marriage. It’s the tiny, often subtle, opportunities for kindness within a marriage that will make or break it. 

Consider the simple kindness of responding to your spouse. Imagine your spouse makes a statement in your presence. It may be a simple question like, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Or it might be a simple statement like, “I think that’s an Oriole. Did you see it?”  Now you have a choice. Will you respond or ignore, acknowledge you heard them or pretend you didn’t hear? Will you shift to focus on your spouse for a moment or maintain your focus on whatever currently has captured your attention?  If you respond, will you do so with interest and enthusiasm or half-heartedly? Or will you respond by diminishing their interest or statement? A classic study by John Gottman found that those who responded with interest 87% of the time were still married after six years. Those who only responded 33% of the time were divorced. In other words, responding with kindness nine out of ten times built a happier, healthier marriage. But responding with kindness only three out of ten times brought the marriage to a crashing end.

It may seem like such a little thing, responding with interest to your spouse’s random statements, but it is a huge act of kindness that will fill your spouse’s emotional bank account with the currency of feeling valued, secure, and worthy.

Another simple kindness that can make or break your marriage involves how you see your spouse…or rather what you look for in your spouse. Kindness calls us to search our home and spouse for the things we can appreciate and express gratitude about. It compels us to search for what our spouse is doing right so we can express appreciation and admiration for them and their actions. That may sound obvious, but I have met too many couples that only criticize one another. They point out what their spouse does wrong, never acknowledging anything they do right. “You unloaded the dishwasher…finally.” “Are you ever going to take out the garbage?” “You never replace the toilet paper.” “I’d let you mop the floor, but you do it so poorly that I just have to redo it.” Unfortunately, those who criticize and complain miss 50% of the positive things their spouses do, and they see negativity when it’s not there, perpetuating a vicious downward cycle of criticism and complaint. Take the time, look around for things you admire in your spouse, things you appreciate about your spouse, and things you can express gratitude to your spouse about. Practice doing these three things every day. In fact, make it a daily habit.

Let me share just one more act of kindness that can make or break your marriage. When your spouse comes home excited to share a piece of good news, how will you respond? Kindness calls us to rejoice with the other person’s success, to enthusiastically connect over the good news. Kindness encourages us to be there for our partner when things are going right for them, not just when things are going poorly. In fact, many say that being available to one another when things are going right is more important to relationship quality than only being there when things are rough. We want to share joys with one another. So, celebrate when your spouse celebrates. Rejoice with them when they rejoice. Get excited for what excites them. Doing so is an act of kindness that can save your marriage.

Help, My Teen Wants to Sleep All Day

“My teen wants to stay up all night and sleep all day.” I’ve heard many parents say this. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. Some parents attribute this tendency to stay up late and “sleep the day away” as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” Me…I’m just jealous. I wish I could sleep all morning, but my internal clock just won’t allow it. Oh wait…that may give us a hint as to what’s going on with our teens as well. Let me explain…but first a little more information about teens and sleep.

The National Institute of Health suggests that teens need about 9 hours of sleep a night. However, a survey of 27,939 suburban high school students in the United States suggests that only 3% of teens get that much sleep. The teens completing the survey averaged 6.5 hours of sleep per night with 20% getting less than five hours of sleep a night. In other words, teens are sleepy. Even worse, with every hour of sleep lost (under an average of 9 hours per night), the teens surveyed showed a 38% increase in the odds of feeling sad or hopeless, a 42% increase in the possibility of considering suicide, a 58% increase in attempting suicide (There is an interesting table about suicide in relation to getting up early for school in Let Teenagers Sleep – Scientific American), and a 23% increase in substance abuse. Those are alarming statistics, aren’t they? Obviously, we need to find a way to help our teens get a good night’s rest.

Back to the “internal clock hint.” Our internal clocks are partially set by the natural release of melatonin in our bodies. According to research, teens have a delayed release of daily melatonin. As a result, they get sleepy later in the evening than adults…and they sleep in longer. In other words, their natural internal clock is set to stay up late and sleep in longer each morning. It’s not laziness or irresponsibility, it’s hormonal changes. Still, teens still have to get up early for school. They still need to get a good night’s rest. So how can we help them get the sleep they need?

  • Establish a healthy bedtime routine before the preteen years. Get your children into a healthy routine that includes slowing down toward the end of the day. This nighttime routine might include talking with you or time reading a book (paper books preferred over digital, by the way). Your children and teens may also benefit from time to talk about and resolve daily stresses and time to express daily gratitude.
  • Avoid “blue light” 2-3 hours before bedtime. You may also want to look at glasses that filter blue light for your teens. (Learn more in How to Manage Blue Light for Better Sleep (webmd.com))
  • Maintain the bedroom as a place for sleep not screens. Keep the video games and TV’s out of the bedroom, which is meant for sleep. Keep them in other living areas designed for play or family interaction. Let the bedroom be a place of rest and sleep.
  • Keep the bedroom dark at night. Turn off the lights. We sleep best in quiet, dark places.
  • Do your best to maintain a calm household, a home free of unnecessary drama. Let your home be a haven of peace and rest, a place where your children know they are safe and accepted.
  • Allow short naps, “power naps,” when needed. Your teen likely comes home from school tired. They may need a short “refresher,” a nap.
  • Talk with your teens about the need for sleep and ask them what would help them get the sleep they need. Your teen is wise. Involve them in the problem-solving process. They may surprise you with creative and effective solutions.

These practices will help initiate the opportunity for your teens to get the sleep they need. What other suggestions would you add?

The Power of a Simple Thank You

When encouraging married couples to express gratitude to one another, one or both of them often asks, “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should do anyway?” For one thing, because every thank you is a deposit in the Family Bank of Honor…and every deposit strengthens your marriage. For a second reason, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores. And now, a 15-month study from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign offers another compelling reason to express gratitude to your spouse. This study examined the impact of expressing gratitude and perceiving gratitude on a couple’s relationship. The couples were observed over a 15-month period and completed surveyed three times: once at the beginning of the 15 months, once at 8 months, and once at the end of the 15 months. Each survey gathered information about the couple’s level of arguing, conflict resolution, expressions of gratitude, perceived gratitude, and financial strain. Based on the surveys, the researchers shared several interesting findings.

  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were more satisfied with their relationship.
  • Individuals with higher levels of expressed and perceived gratitude were also more confident in the future of their relationship.
  • They also reported fewer discussions or even thoughts about breaking up.
  • Higher levels of perceived gratitude buffered the individual and couple against the stress of financial strain and ineffective arguing. In other words, perceiving that your partner appreciates you (perceived gratitude) contributed to feeling less stressed about financial strain or ineffective arguing.  (Expressed gratitude did not have this effect.)

In other words, if you want to maintain a high level of satisfaction in your marriage, express gratitude to your spouse AND recognize when they express gratitude to you. In fact, make the expression of gratitude a hallmark of your relationship, a daily practice of identifying opportunities to express gratitude and then doing so. Not only will this increase your marital satisfaction, it will also help you manage the stress of finances and disagreements more effectively. To put it simply…. “Why should I thank my spouse for something they should be doing anyway?” Because it makes for a happier, healthier, and more intimate marriage.

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