We live in a very competitive world. When I played youth sports as a child, we enjoyed winning. But the focus of the game was threefold: to learn sportsmanship, to learn the basics of the games, and to have fun. We learned to socialize. We learned to win graciously and lose with dignity. We made friends. We had fun. Today, the same sports have become a competition for “limited space” on the more formal high school teams which compete for the “limited opportunities” for scholarships. I don’t say this to disparage youth sports. Youth sports can provide tremendous benefits to families and their children. In fact, competition, in and of itself, can provide valuable lessons for life. But when competition becomes the primary focus, a cutthroat battle over what we perceive as limited resources, it creates a problem. I fear competition has become more cutthroat. We see it on the news when one politician calls his opponent a series of derogatory names to “win the election” or make himself “look better or wiser” than his counterpart. We also see it in how many parents respond to youth sports.

Unfortunately, this fierce competition does not confine itself to sports and politics. It’s reflected in our society as a whole. Competition for grades, scholarships, the last cookie, who controls the remote, who has the better seat…the list goes on. Once again, competition at the right time in the right place with the right attitude has its place…but we’ve begun to lose sight of friendly competition that pushes all parties to improve. We’ve turned competition into a cutthroat activity to prove superiority, to prove “myself” worthy of the limited resources, and to put the other person in their place far away from those limited resources.

Sadly, this cutthroat competition and the desire to win at all costs sneaks into our families. For instance, disagreements with our spouse become a competition to prove “I’m right” and “you’re wrong.” We argue aggressively to justify “my idea is better than your idea.” We listen to find the flaw in our spouse’s argument so we can crush the competition with our wisdom. We search for our spouse’s inconsistencies so we can score a win against their weaker argument. We look to win the argument, to assert our superior verbal skill and logical power, to “come out on top.” As a result, everyone loses the argument and the relationship suffers.

Disagreements are not competitions to win but opportunities to know the other person more deeply. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, it presents a wonderful opportunity to grow more intimate. When we approach disagreements as opportunities to know our spouse more deeply, we gain many benefits.

• We listen more attentively. We listen deeply to discover what we can learn about our spouse. And what can we learn?
• We learn about our spouse’s values and passions. People tend to disagree passionately about those things they value most. So, when we have a disagreement with our spouse, we can learn about their values and passions.
• We learn about our spouse’s goals and desires. If we listen closely to our spouse’s argument, we can learn about their deeper goals, those things they want to move toward in their life.  
• We also learn about our spouse’s vulnerabilities and fears. Many times, disagreements arise from a sense of insecurity that contributes to a self-protective response. If we listen to our spouse with open ears and open mind, we may hear them express their deeper fears and vulnerabilities in their search for security.  
• We learn how to better “read our spouse’s body language.” When we listen with our eyes as well as our ears, we can “learn to see” what our spouses are saying. We begin to recognize the importance of listening to our spouse’s body language when we realize that 90% of our communication is nonverbal.
• We learn how to better communicate with our spouse. All of this combines to help us communicate better with our spouse. It allows us to communicate from a deeper place of knowledge about our spouse, their values, vulnerabilities, goals, and fears, as well as a better ability to communicate in a more holistic manner.
• We learn how to make our spouse happier. With all this in mind, we know our spouse better and now have a better knowledge of how to make them happier, how to relate to them in a healthier manner, and how to grow more intimate in our relationship.

Now you know why the goal of disagreements with our spouse is NOT to win, but to know.