When couples come to therapy to ask for help in “fixing” an unhappy marriage, they have generally struggled for years already. They’ve been working to fix their problems by analyzing the issues, processing the struggles, conversing about potential precipitators and causes, blaming, defending, and criticizing. The problem-solving and blaming haven’t worked…and that’s why they come to therapy. In therapy we have to work hard to resolve hurts and insults and negative patterns that have developed. I often wish they had either come to therapy earlier or had learned the real work of marriage during their honeymoon.

The real work of marriage starts long before analyzing, processing, conversing, and ardent problem-solving. The real work of marriage begins with cultivating an environment of warmth, humor, gratitude, and explicit admiration. In this environment, some problems fade away and bigger challenges become easier to resolve. Marriage grows and thrives naturally in this environment.

With that in mind, here are some ways to cultivate an environment in which your marriage will thrive:

• Actively watch for opportunities to express your admiration. Make it a daily habit to look for ways in which you can express admiration for your spouse every day. Tell them how nice their hair looks or how much you like that blouse on them. Acknowledge those character traits you admire in them—their work ethic, their compassion, their joyful spirit…whatever you see and admire. Do it every day.
• Take a sacred pause. Before you start to lecture or interrupt, take a sacred pause. Breath. Listen. “Read the room.” Consider the appropriateness of what you’re about to say. Let your speech be seasoned with
• Practice gratitude daily. Make gratitude a daily habit. Actively seek out opportunities to express gratitude to your spouse. Thank you is a powerful habit that will improve your life and motivate your spouse.
• Practice the mighty little acts of kindness. We often think we need to practice grand gestures to strengthen our marriages. However, consistent little acts of kindness become a mighty protector of your marriage. What are mighty little acts of kindness? Saying “please” and “thank you” are two. Others might include holding the door open for your spouse, asking if there is something you can do to help your spouse, picking up the sock or piece of paper that fell to the ground, getting your spouse a drink while you get your own. The list is endless. Small acts of kindness and service that have a powerful impact.
• Accentuate the positive. One way to cultivate an environment in which your marriage will thrive is to focus on what you and your spouse do well. Accentuate the positive. Think about how much you enjoy time with your spouse—it may be the vacation or the after-dinner talks or the morning kiss. You might dwell on the kindnesses your spouse offers, the funny things they say, or the energy they invest in your children. Let the positive aspects of your spouse and relationship to occupy space in your mind, dwell on them.
• Focus on what you want. Rather than complain about not getting what you want, begin to focus on what you want. First, start acting in a way that will promote what you want. If you want your spouse to clean more, start cleaning. If you want them to use kinder words, speak with kindness. Second, tell your spouse what you want. Remember the mighty little acts of kindness and make sure to tell them politely, with kindness. Don’t blame and berate. Approach them as a team member and talk about what you want and how you can both engage in actions to bring that about. In this way, you can move toward solutions rather than ruminate on the problems.

These 6 actions represent the “real work” of nurturing an environment in which your marriage can grow. If you put these 6 practices into action, you’ll be surprised at how your marriage will thrive. You’ll find that your marriage requires intention, not laborious, overwhelming work. Just an intention to build an environment of warmth, humor, gratitude, and admiration.