Much has been written about smartphones, screens, and the belief that they have contributed to a rise in anxiety and depression among our children and teens. Truly, the increase in smartphone and screen use by our children and teens does coincide with the rise in anxiety and depression among the same group. But at least one author and physician (Leonard Sax) believes the problem has arisen from something much deeper. He believes that the impact of smartphones and screens is a symptom of a larger issue, namely, a culture that has become toxic to our children and teens. He notes three things that have occurred in our culture to make it more toxic and less healthy for our children.

1. A “collapse of parenting.” Dr. Sax notes that parents have given their children too much power in making life choices to early in their development. Parents have allowed children to decide “what’s for supper, whether to have a phone or a TV in their bedroom, when to get on social media, what movies to watch, and even when they will go to sleep at night” before they have the life experience and developmental ability to make such choices. Some people add letting their children choose what values to hold rather than instilling values. Parents allow some of these decisions indirectly by a lack of involvement and supervision in areas like social media and bedtime routines. Other choices represent an effort to let children “be their own person.” However, children need guidance. Children and teens do not have the life experience and the developmental maturity to make every decision. They need healthy adult guidance and supervision. Yes, we let children make choices—but only age appropriate and developmentally appropriate choices. Instead, we guide, teach, and nurture their maturity, empowering them to make wise choices as they become developmentally ready.
2. A growing “culture of disrespect.” Disrespect is modeled for our children in many facets of our society, from the way our political leaders speak to popular children’s shows to musical lyrics to the way some celebrities speak. It seems that it has become cool to be disrespectful. Unfortunately, in a culture of disrespect, children do not engage their elders and elders do not engage the youth. Yet successful civilizations nurture and cultivate strong connections across generations. They build bonds in which the elderly respect young people and young people respect the elderly. Based on that respect, they share information, dreams, ideas, and guidance. They support one another in building a stronger society.
3. The fear of normal or “normaphobia.” It appears trendy to be known as “nonconforming” in today’s world.  To be typical is thought of as passive or “lame.” Having some atypical challenge in life is valued in many ways. Oddly, it has become conforming to be “nonconforming,” typical to find a way in which I am “atypical,” heroic to be a “traumatized victim.”

I don’t know which came first, smartphones and screens or the declines noted by Dr. Sax. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Instead of worrying which came first, we need to focus on how we can help our children overcome the toxicity of our current culture and the contribution from smartphones and screens. Let me offer some suggestions.

• Establish healthy, developmentally appropriate limits and guidelines for your children. This will require learning about the developmental needs and abilities of children and teens. It means identifying values you want to instill in your children and shaping your home environment in a way that exhibits those values in your daily family life. For instance, if you believe diet is important to healthy living, schedule family meals into your day. If you believe adequate sleep important for daily performance and healthy development, develop a healthy bedtime routine and assure everyone follows it. Other boundaries and limits need to be established around activity loads, schedules, clothing, etc. These limits may change as your children mature, but they are often based on adult experience and knowledge that our children do not have or are in the process of developing.
• Establish a respectful, polite environment in your home. Model respect toward your family and nurture respect within your family. Practice asking for things politely and showing gratitude on a regular basis. Polite phrases and words like “please,” “thank you,” “you’re welcome,” and “excuse me” help develop a sense of respect for others.
• Teach listening skills. Listening is an aspect of respect. We begin to teach our children and teens listening skills by listening to them and allowing what we hear to influence us when appropriate. As we listen deeply to our children, they will learn to listen deeply to us. Also encourage your children to listen wisely, with discernment, to those who hold authority in their lives. This is respectful and supports a healthy, developmentally appropriate boundary.
• Honor and respect the “blessing of average.” It’s okay to be typical. Of course, children and teens want to establish their own identity, something that makes them “stand out.” That’s developmentally appropriate. The world might become a better place, however, if we encourage our children and teens to stand out for their compassionate response to others, their kindness, their politeness, or their strong work ethic.  We can encourage them to stand out in their willingness to help a person in need or their resilience and steadfastness in the face of struggles. In other words, let’s encourage our children to stand out in areas of good character as seen in their kind interactions with other people from all walks of life.  

Healthy limits and boundaries, a respectful and polite home environment, deep listening, and encouraging a strong character that stands out among the world will go a long way in creating an environment that will help our children grow stronger, healthier, and more mature.