Archive for April 29, 2023

Protect Your Teen From Alcohol Abuse

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Children who have a family heritage of alcohol abuse are thought to have a genetic propensity to alcohol abuse. However, recent research suggests a way to limit this risk. This study recruited participants between 2004 and 2019 who were 12- to 22-years-old. The researchers interviewed these youth and assessed their brain functioning two times a year. The interviewers asked about substance abuse, mental health, closeness with mother and father between 12-17 years of age. They also collected information about the youths’ binge drinking, impulsiveness, and their parents’ alcohol/substance abuse. Based on their findings, the researchers record two interesting findings that held true regardless of their parent’s alcohol or drug use or their family’s socioeconomic status.

  1. A teen’s close relationship to his/her father was associated with more robust and developed areas of the brain associated with self-regulation and executive functioning, especially for sons.
  2. A teen’s close relationship to his/her mother was associated with less binge drinking, especially for daughters.

In other words, a teen’s close relationship with their parent decreases the likelihood of alcohol abuse by enhancing improved neurocognitive functioning. More specifically, having a warm, close relationship with one’s parent during the teen years helps the teen build a resilience based on improved neural networks for executive functioning and self-regulation. 

With this in mind, two factors stand out as crucial in protecting your child from experiencing alcohol or substance abuse…two actions you can begin today:

  1. Model healthy behavior. Never underestimate the power of your example in your children’s lives. Do not overdrink. Do not “go for the buzz.” Do not drive drunk. Do not use illegal substances. Do not use prescription drugs beyond their prescribed use and amount. Maintain your own sobriety. Our children learn more from our behaviors than our teaching. 
  2. Develop a warm, close relationship with your child. Maintain that relationship through their teen years and into adulthood. Spend time with your children. Learn about their interests. Invest in their lives. This research suggests that a warm, close relationship with your teen will help build a buffer of protection against alcohol and substance abuse.

Know what I like about these two actions that can promote our children’s long-term health? They invite me to live a healthy life in a joyous relationship with my family. Sounds like a good deal to me.

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The “Dad Brain”

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When a man becomes a father, he gets “Dad Brain.” No, it’s not a disease. It’s a gift every Dad receives with the birth of their child…if they unwrap it. Researchers who obtained MRI scans of 40 men’s brains in Spain and California identified the “Dad Brain.” They actually recorded two MRI scans of each man’s brain: one during their spouse’s first pregnancy and another 6 months after their child was born. They compared the results with scans of 17 men who had no children. What did they find? Having a child changed these men’s brains. Specifically, brain changes appeared in the fathers’ brain regions associated with visual processing, attention, and empathy. These brain changes would enhance the men’s ability to attend to and empathize with their newborn child. In other words, they became more attuned to their child. They had an increased ability to recognize their baby’s needs.

One caveat though. These changes seem to be associated with the level of the father’s involvement in their child’s life. The more involved a father becomes, the more likely to see these brain changes.

What does this mean? Men are designed to be involved in the parenting process. Children benefit when their fathers become involved in their lives. Fathers also benefit from their involvement in their children’s lives. With that in mind, a few suggestions:

  1. Fathers, invest in your children, it’s a precious responsibility. Don’t let busyness, work, or “responsibilities” interfere with your involvement in your children’s lives. They need you and you need them. Get involved. Interact. Play. Converse. Laugh. Learn. Become an integral part of your children’s daily lives. It’s your superpower. 
  2. Mothers, encourage the father of your children to become involved in your children’s lives. You don’t have to “make it happen” or “convince them” to get involved. Simply open the door, allow them the opportunity. Your children need their father. Encourage that involvement.
  3. Recognize that fathers will engage their children differently than mothers will. Fathers tend to engage in rough and tumble play more often than mothers do. They encourage more adventure and exploration. These differences serve to help our children grow in different ways.  They can help our children move successfully into the world.

Becoming a parent, whether a father or a mother, makes us a new person. Step into the change…lean into it…dive into it. You’ll never regret that you did.

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Want Your Child to Listen Better? Then Play!

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Children don’t always listen the way we’d like. Who are we kidding? Adults don’t always listen the way we’d like either. In fact, I don’t always listen as attentively as I know I should. Come to think of it, if children learn to listen by following our examples, it’s no wonder they don’t listen the way we’d like. Sorry, I digress. I just want to share an activity you can utilize to help your children listen better. This activity also gives us, as parents, the experience of listening deeply to our children. What is the activity? Play.

Yes, playing with our children will help them listen better.  Not just any type of play activity though. I’m talking about imaginative play activities like drawing, dolls, building, or dress up.

And not just play with anyone, but with you—their parent. This is an opportunity for you to enjoy time with your child and learn about them. Children become close to those who engage in activities with them. This becomes an opportunity for you to deepen your relationship with your child. A deeper relationship will contribute to their ability to listen to you in the future.

And not just any type of play will do for this activity. No, for this activity engage your child in child-directed play, play in which you follow their lead. They become the leader and you follow. They determine the direction and course of the play. As a parent engaged in this type of play, avoid giving directions, ideas, or suggestions. Simply follow their lead.

Researchers have developed the acronym P.R.I.D.E. to help parents know how to respond to their child while engaging in child-directed play. The “P” in PRIDE stands for “Praising” your child. I prefer to say, “Acknowledge what your child is doing.” Acknowledge specific things about your child’s speech, actions, or work rather than global aspects. For example, “I love the bright colors you dress Barbie in” or “That is a tall tower” rather than simply “How pretty,” “You’re good with fashions,” or “Good job.” Specific acknowledgements (praise) prove more effective than global acknowledgement. Also, acknowledge behaviors you want to encourage in your child. For example, “Thank you for letting me take a turn” or “You asked so politely, thank you.”

The “R” in PRIDE reminds us to reflect verbally on our children’s description of the play. For instance, if your child says, “The tower falls down” as they knock it over, you might reflect by saying, “Ahhh. The tower falls with a crash.”

The “I” in PRIDE prompts us to imitate our children’s play. Imitate them by engaging in parallel play or by following their directive on how to interact. If they dress a doll, you can dress another doll (parallel play). If their doll interacts with your doll, reciprocate (interact). If they build with Legos, you build with Legos (parallel play). If they say, “I need green ones,” hand them some green Legos (interact). Engage in parallel play and follow their directives on how to interact.

The “D” in PRIDE advises us to describe what our children are doing. Act like a sportscaster and narrate your child’s play. “Barbie is putting on a pretty blue dress.” “You just put a red Lego on that tall tower.” “You are standing tall as the king of your kingdom.”  Simply describing your child’s actions informs them that you arere engaged in their play and interest in them…that you are “listening” to them deeply.

The “E” in PRIDE stands for enthusiasm. Engage your child in this child-directed play with your full attention and with an appropriate level of energy. You don’t need to go overboard with a level of energetic enthusiasm that overwhelms your child. Simply responding with “Wow, those are lovely colors” communicates your interest in them and their world. A simple smile or a high five can fill a child with joy. The main goal is to show your child, through your words and actions, that you are genuinely and authentically interested in them and happy to interact with them. In other words, they are valuable to you.

The good news is that research has shown this type of play strengthens the parent-child relationship. And a stronger relationship leads to better listening. Research also suggests that this type of play increases a child’s attention span and social skills.  I believe it also teaches us, as parents, how to listen deeply to our children…and children who feel heard listen better, especially to those they feel listen to them.

Now for the fun part. Grab your child and model how well you can listen by engaging them in child-directed play. You’ll enjoy the play and the relationship you gain as a result.

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Use With Caution

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The cell phone, screen time, social media… we hear report after report about how each of these technologies impact our children. It’s a complicated issue…and a huge issue for anyone raising children today. So when I come across new information about the impact of technology on our children, both positive and negative, I like to pass it along to you. Recently, I found two studies published in early 2023 that I wanted to share with you.

First, a study out of the University of North Carolina recruited 169 middle school students and followed them for three years to assess the impact of three social media platforms—Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat—on their sensitivity to feedback. At the start of the study, researchers asked each participant how often they checked the three social platforms. The answers ranged from once a day to over twenty times a day. (Other studies have shown 78% of teens report checking their social media sites at least hourly and 35% report using a social media site “almost constantly.”) Every year of the three-year study, participants underwent brain imaging sessions while completing a task to measure their brain activity when anticipating social feedback from peers.  This data revealed that children who grow up checking their social media more often become hypersensitive to feedback from their peers, their sensitivity to social rewards and punishment was altered. Becoming hypersensitive to peer feedback may increase a teen’s tendency to give in to peer pressure—whether negative or positive pressure.

A second longitudinal study looked at the data from 506 children in Singapore. Specifically, the parents of the children were asked to report the average amount of screen time their 12-month-old children consumed on weekdays and weekends. The children were then divided into four groups based on screen time: 1) less than one hour, 2) 1-2 hours, 3) 2-4 hours, and 4) more than 4 hours.  At 18-months, each child underwent an EEG to measure brain activity. In addition, each child completed various tests to measure attention span and executive functioning at 9-years-old. After comparing all the data collected, the research suggests that the more screen time a child was subjected to as an infant, the greater the altered brain activity and the more deficits were noted in the measures of attention span and executive functioning. These deficits may translate into difficulty controlling impulses, difficulty sustaining attention, difficulty following through with multi-step instructions, and difficulty persisting in hard tasks.

Our children and teens go through sensitive periods of brain development. How screen time and social media are used during those times can impact their brain development and, as a result, their behaviors. With this information in mind, our children will benefit from careful monitoring of their screen time and education on the healthy use of screens.

Cell phones, screen time, social media…they are not going away. But we must teach our children to manage this technology for their healthy development. With that in mind,

  • Become a good role model in managing screen time and social media use. Remember, the internet can be a risk and an opportunity for your child, depending on how you and your children manage it. How your children manage it begins with how you model managing it in your own life.
  • Rather than constantly fighting your teen over screen time, encourage their involvement in physical activities. For instance, they might join a sport team, go for a bike ride, enjoy a “pick up game” with peers, or start using a gym membership. Read Take Your Teen From Screen Time to “Exer-Time” for more details on how physical activity alters the impact of screen time.
  • Don’t use screens to distract your children. Instead, engage them in the restaurant while you wait for your food. Play games or talk in the car on trips (whether short trips to the store or long trips). Teach your children to find ways other than the use of screens to manage their boredom–things like card games, going for a walk, playing catch off a wall, playing music, writing, art, etc. Model ways of entertaining yourself that do not include screen time.

These three actions can start our children down a path of using technology in a healthy manner that will protect them for a lifetime.

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Subtle Kindnesses That Will Save Your Marriage

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Many marriages that end in divorce failed due to a lack of kindness. In fact, research reveals kindness as one of the most important predictors of satisfaction and stability in marriage. It makes each partner feel valued, understood, and validated. I’m not just talking about the grandiose shows of kindness—the big gifts, the beautiful vacations. No, those moments don’t make a marriage. It’s the tiny, often subtle, opportunities for kindness within a marriage that will make or break it. 

Consider the simple kindness of responding to your spouse. Imagine your spouse makes a statement in your presence. It may be a simple question like, “It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” Or it might be a simple statement like, “I think that’s an Oriole. Did you see it?”  Now you have a choice. Will you respond or ignore, acknowledge you heard them or pretend you didn’t hear? Will you shift to focus on your spouse for a moment or maintain your focus on whatever currently has captured your attention?  If you respond, will you do so with interest and enthusiasm or half-heartedly? Or will you respond by diminishing their interest or statement? A classic study by John Gottman found that those who responded with interest 87% of the time were still married after six years. Those who only responded 33% of the time were divorced. In other words, responding with kindness nine out of ten times built a happier, healthier marriage. But responding with kindness only three out of ten times brought the marriage to a crashing end.

It may seem like such a little thing, responding with interest to your spouse’s random statements, but it is a huge act of kindness that will fill your spouse’s emotional bank account with the currency of feeling valued, secure, and worthy.

Another simple kindness that can make or break your marriage involves how you see your spouse…or rather what you look for in your spouse. Kindness calls us to search our home and spouse for the things we can appreciate and express gratitude about. It compels us to search for what our spouse is doing right so we can express appreciation and admiration for them and their actions. That may sound obvious, but I have met too many couples that only criticize one another. They point out what their spouse does wrong, never acknowledging anything they do right. “You unloaded the dishwasher…finally.” “Are you ever going to take out the garbage?” “You never replace the toilet paper.” “I’d let you mop the floor, but you do it so poorly that I just have to redo it.” Unfortunately, those who criticize and complain miss 50% of the positive things their spouses do, and they see negativity when it’s not there, perpetuating a vicious downward cycle of criticism and complaint. Take the time, look around for things you admire in your spouse, things you appreciate about your spouse, and things you can express gratitude to your spouse about. Practice doing these three things every day. In fact, make it a daily habit.

Let me share just one more act of kindness that can make or break your marriage. When your spouse comes home excited to share a piece of good news, how will you respond? Kindness calls us to rejoice with the other person’s success, to enthusiastically connect over the good news. Kindness encourages us to be there for our partner when things are going right for them, not just when things are going poorly. In fact, many say that being available to one another when things are going right is more important to relationship quality than only being there when things are rough. We want to share joys with one another. So, celebrate when your spouse celebrates. Rejoice with them when they rejoice. Get excited for what excites them. Doing so is an act of kindness that can save your marriage.

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Three Practices to Curb Defensiveness in Marriage

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Defensiveness: one of the John Gottman’s Four Horsemen that spell doom for a marriage. We have all become defensive in our marriages, I’m sure of it. We become defensive when our view of the world or ourselves is threatened: or, when we fear our spouse is seeing us in a way we don’t want to be seen.  Our spouses say something we perceive as a complaint or a criticism about us and we instinctively respond with defensiveness. It’s a kneejerk reaction that can destroy a marriage. It can stem from a simple comment that we perceive as a threat to our pride, one that pushes our buttons or threatens our desire to be right. Rather than pause and take a breath, we jump in to defend ourselves, to save face. Unfortunately, when we become defensive, we also give up the opportunity to learn and grow. We sacrifice both our personal responsibility and our power to nurture a healthier relationship on the altar of our pride.

A healthier response involves humility, becoming humble enough to accept personal responsibility, even in the face of disagreement. This involves at least three practices.

  • Acknowledging our limitations. All of us have flaws. All of us have limited knowledge and limited perspectives. On the other hand, each of our spouses have knowledge and insights we do not have. We may hate to admit it, but our spouses know things we do not know. They understand things we miss. In the midst of a disagreement, it may take an extra dose of humility to admit these truths. Recognizing our own limitations and the wisdom of our spouse can help us avoid defensiveness.
  • Affirm your priorities. Think carefully about what is truly most important in your life? How do you want to be remembered? What gives your life meaning and purpose? I hope family and marriage sit at the top of your priority list, well above self. I pray that you “look out NOT just for your own interests but also the interests of others,” like your spouse and family. I trust that you “love your wife as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her.” When you recognize what your marriage and family mean to you and your life…when you recognize your call to serve them…they will definitely sit near the top, if not at the top, of your priority list. With that in mind, you will strive to protect your marriage and your family rather than entering a defensive mode to protect yourself. Defensiveness builds walls. Accepting responsibility and communication builds bridges. As your spouse rises to the top of your priority list, you become more likely to build bridges than walls.
  • Accept personal responsibility. No one likes to admit when they make a mistake or when they are wrong. I know I don’t. But for the sake of a healthy marriage and personal growth, we need to swallow our pride, acknowledge our wrong, and apologize.  From there we have the power to show the “fruit of repentance” and change.  Amazingly, our spouses will love us all the more when they see we have the humble courage necessary to admit a wrong and change.

These three practices can prove challenging, but consistently practicing them will reap huge dividends in the health of your marriage. You and your spouse will enjoy the joys of a healthy, happy marriage.

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Help, My Teen Wants to Sleep All Day

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“My teen wants to stay up all night and sleep all day.” I’ve heard many parents say this. Maybe you’ve said it yourself. Some parents attribute this tendency to stay up late and “sleep the day away” as “lazy” or “irresponsible.” Me…I’m just jealous. I wish I could sleep all morning, but my internal clock just won’t allow it. Oh wait…that may give us a hint as to what’s going on with our teens as well. Let me explain…but first a little more information about teens and sleep.

The National Institute of Health suggests that teens need about 9 hours of sleep a night. However, a survey of 27,939 suburban high school students in the United States suggests that only 3% of teens get that much sleep. The teens completing the survey averaged 6.5 hours of sleep per night with 20% getting less than five hours of sleep a night. In other words, teens are sleepy. Even worse, with every hour of sleep lost (under an average of 9 hours per night), the teens surveyed showed a 38% increase in the odds of feeling sad or hopeless, a 42% increase in the possibility of considering suicide, a 58% increase in attempting suicide (There is an interesting table about suicide in relation to getting up early for school in Let Teenagers Sleep – Scientific American), and a 23% increase in substance abuse. Those are alarming statistics, aren’t they? Obviously, we need to find a way to help our teens get a good night’s rest.

Back to the “internal clock hint.” Our internal clocks are partially set by the natural release of melatonin in our bodies. According to research, teens have a delayed release of daily melatonin. As a result, they get sleepy later in the evening than adults…and they sleep in longer. In other words, their natural internal clock is set to stay up late and sleep in longer each morning. It’s not laziness or irresponsibility, it’s hormonal changes. Still, teens still have to get up early for school. They still need to get a good night’s rest. So how can we help them get the sleep they need?

  • Establish a healthy bedtime routine before the preteen years. Get your children into a healthy routine that includes slowing down toward the end of the day. This nighttime routine might include talking with you or time reading a book (paper books preferred over digital, by the way). Your children and teens may also benefit from time to talk about and resolve daily stresses and time to express daily gratitude.
  • Avoid “blue light” 2-3 hours before bedtime. You may also want to look at glasses that filter blue light for your teens. (Learn more in How to Manage Blue Light for Better Sleep (webmd.com))
  • Maintain the bedroom as a place for sleep not screens. Keep the video games and TV’s out of the bedroom, which is meant for sleep. Keep them in other living areas designed for play or family interaction. Let the bedroom be a place of rest and sleep.
  • Keep the bedroom dark at night. Turn off the lights. We sleep best in quiet, dark places.
  • Do your best to maintain a calm household, a home free of unnecessary drama. Let your home be a haven of peace and rest, a place where your children know they are safe and accepted.
  • Allow short naps, “power naps,” when needed. Your teen likely comes home from school tired. They may need a short “refresher,” a nap.
  • Talk with your teens about the need for sleep and ask them what would help them get the sleep they need. Your teen is wise. Involve them in the problem-solving process. They may surprise you with creative and effective solutions.

These practices will help initiate the opportunity for your teens to get the sleep they need. What other suggestions would you add?

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Attending What Will Do What?

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I am always on the lookout for fun ways to improve our families’ lives…and research from the School of Psychology and Sport Science at Anglia Ruskin University found a way you’re going to love. This study looked at the data from 7,209 people ranging from 16-years-old to 85-years-old. The results indicated that attending live sporting events resulted in higher scores in two major measurements of subjective well-being.

  1. Those who attended live sporting events reported higher levels of life satisfaction and a greater sense of “life being worthwhile.”  In fact, the increase in people’s sense that “life is worthwhile” from attending a live sport’s event was comparable to that of gaining employment! And greater perceived life satisfaction scores are associated with better physical health, more successful aging, and lower mortality rates.
  2. Those who attended live sporting events reported lower levels of loneliness. Loneliness is worse for a person than obesity and as bad as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. (See Inoculate Your Family Against the Epidemic of Loneliness | Family by God’s Design.) You can see how significant it is to reduce feelings of loneliness.

I don’t know about you, but I like the idea of increasing my children’s sense of “life being worthwhile.” I relish the idea of my spouse feeling a greater sense of life satisfaction. I love the opportunity to help every one of my family members feel less loneliness. And, to think we can do all that simply by having fun attending a soccer game, baseball game, football game…you name the sporting event your family might enjoy. In fact, this study showed that attending any sporting event from free amateur events all the way through professional games had similar effects on the participants life satisfaction, sense of “life being worthwhile,” and loneliness. So, grab your family and go watch a game…live, not on TV or YouTube. Stand on the side lines. Sit in the bleachers. Cheer for your team. And enjoy a greater sense of life satisfaction with your family.

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Your Child’s Brain on Physical Punishment

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Over 5 decades of research have shown the negative effects of using corporal punishment to discipline our children. Now a study conducted by researchers at Florida State University looks at what happens to the “brain on corporal punishment.” In this study, 149 participants between the ages of 11 to 14 years performed “video game-like tasks and a monetary guessing game” while an EEG recorded their brain waves. Specifically, the EEG assessed the participants neural response to errors and their neural response to rewards. Two years later, the teens and their parents completed a series of questionnaires screening for parenting style as well as the adolescents’ level of anxiety and depression.  

As seen in previous studies, corporal punishment was associated with increased anxiety and depression. However, this study also revealed that corporal punishment was associated with how the participants processed making errors and receiving rewards on a neural level. Specifically,

  • Adolescents who received physical punishments showed a larger neural response to errors. They reacted more strongly to making mistakes.
  • Adolescents who received physical punishment also showed a “blunted response to rewards.” They did not respond as strongly to rewards as those who did not receive physical punishment.

These neural responses directly impact our children’s levels of anxiety and depression. Specifically, an increased response to making errors is associated with anxiety. A decreased response to rewards is related to depression.

In other words, using corporal punishment as a major tool for discipline actually changes how your children respond to making mistakes and how they respond to rewards on a neural level. It changes how your children’s brain functions in processing information about mistakes and rewards. That change increases the risk of anxiety and depression.

So how can you discipline your children without corporal punishment? Without increasing the risk of long-term depression and anxiety? That’s a great question. Here are some resources to help you discover the many alternatives:

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