Archive for February 23, 2013
4 Steps to a New Child
Parenting the Curious Explorer
Curiosity
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Exploration
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Discovery
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Discovery
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Pleasure
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Repetition
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Repetition
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Mastery
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New Skills
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New Skills
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Confidence
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Self Esteem
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Self Esteem
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Sense of Security
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More Exploration
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2 Words That Will Change Your Parenting!
Family–Coal or Diamonds?
KISS–Keep It Short & Simple
· Allow them to experience the “consequences of their actions.” Most actions have a natural consequence. Some actions have enjoyable consequences, some have negative consequences. Either way, let your child enjoy the nice consequences of positive behavior and learn from the negative consequences of inappropriate behavior. If they waited until the last minute to do their homework and now struggle to understand the problem, let them struggle with that discomfort. Perhaps they will start earlier next time. If they consistently get up late for school, escort them into the building late. Inform the principal that your child is late due to not getting out of bed on time and explain you understand there will be consequences. Let your children see you support those consequences, the natural result of breaking reasonable limits. Yes, it is difficult to watch
· When you do have to give more direct answers and suggestions, remember that children, and many stressed out teens, are concrete in their thinking. They cannot follow the abstract reasoning or rambling emotion making up a lecture. They need simple, short and sweet, statements. Throwing too much information at children will simply overwhelm them. They may get frustrated or angry as they see your emotion but still cannot understand the content of your speech. So, slow it down. Offer one piece of information at a time. Make sure they understand that information before you add more to it. You may even find it helpful to write down each point…or use something object to represent each point. This will allow your child to build their understanding of the problem and the solution, brick by brick.
Give It Up For Love…Start a Revolution
· Giving up the last piece of pie so my children can enjoy it.
· Postponing, or even cancelling at times, my night out with the guys so I can watch a “chick flick” my wife wants to see.
· Or, on an even more serious level, postponing a job promotion until the children are out of the house because my wife needs me at home and does not want me to be away from family so much.
Celebrate Lent As A Family
Lent begins this week. The observance of Lent reminds us to prepare our lives for the coming Christ. Traditionally, people observe Lent by practicing some sort of fasting (giving something up), generous compassion toward others (justice), and prayer (communion with God). To me, this sounds like a great opportunity to practice grace in our family as well as in the world at large. Grace begins with giving others the gift of acceptance. It builds to giving to others, and culminates in giving ourselves up for the benefit of others. What better place to learn and practice grace than in our family? With that in mind, I wanted to offer you a calendar of daily ideas for observing Lent with your family. The Family Lent Calendar focuses on aspects of grace (giving acceptance, giving of ourselves, and self-sacrifice) as we prepare for Easter.
The Family Lent Calendar (like grace) begins with giving up our pride so we can give the gift of unconditional acceptance. As a family, we learn to accept one another just as Christ accepted us (Romans 15:7). Christ accepted us (and even engaged in self-sacrifice for us) while we were still helpless disappointments who engaged in activities that set us at enmity with Him (Romans 5:6-10). Don’t get me wrong, He still convicts us of wrong behavior and disciplines us. However, in the midst of that teaching, conviction, and discipline He accepts us. He continues to come alongside of us and show us kindness. Since we have experienced Christ’s acceptance, we practice accepting one another. Family offers a great training ground for this type of unconditional acceptance. In fact, if we cannot learn to accept our family, how can we accept those outside of our family? For this reason, the Family Lent Calendar begins with accepting one another.
Acceptance sets the stage for grace, but grace quickly moves to giving, especially giving of ourselves. As a result, the Family Lent Calendar includes giving our time, attention, and energy to one another. Family helps us learn to generously give our full attention to others without distraction or selfish motive. We learn to give the energy necessary to share the burden of sorrowful emotions and the celebration of joyful emotions within the family. Family provides us the opportunity to invest our time and energy in sharing accountability, forgiveness, and deep connection.
Grace not involves giving of ourselves, it also includes giving ourselves up. Self-sacrifice is the pinnacle of grace. Each time we graciously give of ourselves, we practice some level of self-denial. I sacrifice “my desires” to benefit “us” as a family. I give up “my time” in order to invest that time in “our” family. I give up some of “my availability” to sports games, work, or music in order to remain available to “our” family. Studies suggest that families that willingly sacrifice for one another grow more intimate, share more joy, and experience more long-term stability. A level of self-denial contributes to healthy family life. The Family Lent Calendar makes several suggestions to help you offer this level of grace to one another in the family.
I hope you will review the Family Lent Calendar. Even if you do not use the whole calendar, consider the ideas on the calendar and implement some in your family this Easter season. As you do, you will prepare yourself and your family for Easter by sharing grace—acceptance, generous giving, and self-denial.
Start a Revolution for Valentine’s Day!
5 Mistakes to Avoid When Praising Your Child
· Do not praise with global statements like “Good job” or “That’s beautiful.” Such global statements leave room for misinterpretation. What was good about it? What makes it beautiful? Global statements of praise and encouragement also call the credibility of the person offering praise into question. After all, if I praise everything my child does, which acts were truly praiseworthy? A child will begin to question our “praise-credibility” when they hear us praise making their bed and graduation from college as “amazing, you did such a wonderful job.” Instead of offering global praise, encourage, acknowledge, or praise some specific aspect of what they did. For instance, rather than, “What a beautiful picture,” you might say, “I really like the colors you chose. How did you pick them out?” Instead of saying, “You did an amazing job helping with dinner,” try saying, “Thanks for mashing the potatoes.”
· Do not attach a character label to your praise. When we say things like, “Good boy,” “Good girl,” or “That’s Daddy’s girl” when our children
· Avoid the “Yeah, but’s.” You know what I mean…”You did a good job cleaning your room, but…” “Great job mowing the grass, but…” “What an excellent report card, but…” “That is the most beautiful picture I have ever seen, but….” (Notice the “overdoing” in these statements as well.) Any praise with a “but” added on becomes a criticism. It puts our children on the defensive. It makes them feel as though they are “never good enough.” They hear us telling them that they are inadequate and incapable of satisfying us. So, offer up your praise and encouragement, but leave the “but” off. Keep the praise “but-less.”
· Finally, do not step in and take over. When we step in to finish the job or “put the finishing touches on it,” we communicate that our children “cannot do it” and that we “do not trust them to do it.” When your children wrap a present, let it go. It may not be perfect, but it was their job. Find some positive aspect of the job to acknowledge and let it go. When your children dust the furniture, do not redo it. Instead, offer some supervision while they do it; and, if you see an area in which they can improve, simply teach them. Doing so will communicate that you trust your children to do the job and you know they have the ability to learn the job.