As parents, we teach our children to manage their emotions. We might teach them intentionally or unintentionally. In fact, they learn by simply witnessing our manner of managing emotions. As you can imagine, they may learn positive ways of managing emotions or not-so-positive ways of managing emotions from watching us. How can we intentionally teach our children to manage their emotions in a positive manner?

• First, we model positive emotional management skills. We learn to accept and recognize our emotions without allowing them to control us. We experience emotions in response to things important to us, in response to our priorities. So, part of accepting our emotions involves recognizing the priority behind the emotion. What value aroused the emotion? Then, after we have acknowledged priority behind the emotion, we can use the energy aroused by that emotion to further that priority.
• Second, we explicitly teach our children the family values we hold in regard to emotions. For instance, we can explicitly state that “all emotions are acceptable but not all behavior is acceptable.” We can be angry and still not lash out in anger. We can teach our children that “emotions help reveal what’s important to us.” Through our actions and words, we can assure that our children realize that “in our family we can talk about any emotion we experience.” Take time to explore what emotional rules you have in your family and make them explicitly known.
• Third, we can teach our children how to understand and control their emotions. This begins by validating and empathizing with any emotion our children experience. We can voice our acceptance of their emotion by validating those emotions, acknowledging them as part of their experience. Then, we can help them explore what triggered their emotion as well as the priority behind their emotion. We will also begin to brainstorm how they might respond to the situation that aroused their emotion in a way that will best express their priority to those around them. Throughout this process we teach our children basic skills to manage their emotions “in the moment,” things like breathing deeply, softening their eyes and looking around to ground themselves, and maintaining accuracy and truth in their thoughts.

These three actions will help your children learn to manage their emotions in a healthy and productive way. In addition, they will bring greater intimacy and health to your family as a whole.