Emotional Rules? What?
Families have many rules. These rules help us maintain security and stability…most of the time. Sometimes rules actually hinder stability, intimacy, and even healthy development. Consider some rules around emotions for an example. Some of these rules are explicit—spoken and known. Some are not explicit—unspoken but still known. Even though these rules may be unspoken, they carry great power.
- You have no reason to cry (or be sad or angry). This rule generally addresses the harder emotions and flows from fear of those emotions. In reality, we will all encounter reasons to cry, be angry, or be sad. It is part of life and can occur at any age. Your reason for sorry or anger may differ from your child’s reason or your spouse’s reason. Still, both can be legitimate. It is healthy to allow the expression of all emotions.
- Boys don’t cry; only babies do. This has led to generations of males who limit their expression of sorrow, empathy, or even joy. This lack of expression hinders intimacy. In fact, it is healthy to cry. Shedding tears, and even the tears themselves, have healing qualities. (Tears, Who Would Have Thought?)
- Girls are too emotional so they can’t be rational. Emotions do not negate rational thought. In fact, sometimes emotions can contribute to rational thought by focusing our attention on the true needs of the moment. Emotions can empower rational thought by gathering our internal resources to respond to situations. Emotions contribute to the rational thought that allows us to celebrate our positive experiences while working to resolve the negative experiences. The “trick” is to let emotions inform our rational thought rather than overrule our rational thought.
- Some emotions are for girls, and some are for boys. Think about that for a second. Should only girls feel compassion and empathy? Of course not. Should only boys be brave and courageous? No. That’s absurd. Both genders benefit from a full range of emotions. Joy, bravery, compassion, love, adventure…they can all guide males and females toward the establishment of a better world.
- Some emotions are good, and some emotions are bad. All emotions serve a purpose. Anger, fear, happiness…they reveal our priorities and help us affirm our values. They energize us to act on our priorities. They help keep us safe. The key is how we act in response to those emotions, not the emotions themselves.
- You can be angry, but you still have to treat me respectfully. This statement represents a positive rule. It helps us realize that emotions are all good. However, we can’t let emotions overtake our lives. Emotions inform our thoughts and our action, but we don’t want them to dictate our thoughts or our actions. They offer us information about priorities and desires, but they don’t rule our lives. So, we listen to our emotions and then think and act accordingly.
Here’s the thing. Family rules, whether explicit or implicit, get internalized and then impact our relationships. Family rules shape how we think about ourselves and how we think about others. In particular, rules about emotions can limit our expressiveness and, as a result, our intimacy. With that in mind, I want to offer a small challenge:
- Think about the emotional rules in your family, both the spoken and unspoken rules. This may take some time and effort as many emotional rules remain unspoken and unacknowledged. As you discover the emotional rules of your family, write them down so you can read them over.
- Take time to consider how these rules impact you, your spouse, your children, and your family. Do they allow your family to learn how to manage emotions in a healthy manner, utilizing them as information to respond to challenges and opportunities? Do they promote open expression that leads to greater intimacy? Do the rules encourage respectful acceptance and consideration of one another’s unique emotions?
- Talk with your family about what you’ve learned and listen to their input. Consider what changes you can make as a family to promote healthier emotional expression and management in your home.
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