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What I Learned at Family Camp 2023

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We enjoyed another wonderful weekend at Camp Christian’s Family Camp this year. Terry Jones, the dean, organized a great weekend to “Take Back the Family.” Interestingly, children and teens outnumbered adults this weekend. It was beautiful to see so many young people spending time with family and friends, playing, and worshipping. A couple of lessons proved important for me.

  1. We are not called to be “products of our time,” but “products of the Word of God.” We are called to be ambassadors of God’s Kingdom of Love while living in foreign territory. 
  2. In the foreign territory, there is a spiritual battle being fought for the family. The enemy has released toxic weapons to bring the family down, toxins like selfishness, greed, arrogance, disrespect, lack of gratitude, dishonesty, and unforgiveness. These toxins, when left unchecked, will destroy our families and our communities. Fortunately, we have been given the weapons to combat these toxins. We see the weapons that protect the family displayed in Jesus Christ: humility, generosity and contentment, respect, honesty, and truth.
  3. Remember, our families are not just a collection of individuals. We are a team, a body made up of individual parts who function together for the good of the whole. With that in mind, Terry gave us time to develop team logos and mottos. I loved the creativity of those who shared the canvasses displaying their family mottos and logos.
  4. Perhaps the greatest resource we have in taking back the family is prayer. And so, we ended the weekend praying with and for our families.

There was much more I could talk about—the heroes who inspire us and the true Superhero, what marshmallows teach us about family, and “how babies are created” (I’ll let you ponder that one). You’ll just have to come to Family Camp sometime to truly understand the beauty of seeing multiple families enjoying fellowship, fun, and worship with one another. We ended the weekend by singing, “The Lord bless you and keep you; make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you.”  The words of the song are taken from Numbers 6:24-25. However, there is a very similar passage in Psalm 67:1-2 that reads: “May God be gracious to us and bless us and cause His face to shine upon us so that Your way may be known on the earth and Your salvation among all nations.”  We seek God’s blessing in taking back our families not just for our own sake, but so that His way may be known on the earth and His salvation among all nations. God bless you all this year until our next Family Camp.

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“You’re the Worst Mom Ever:” A 3-Part Blessing

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It’s bound to happen, inevitable, unavoidable. Sooner or later you will set an age appropriate, loving limit on your child’s behavior and he will get angry. He will become Sauer seinfurious with you and argue. As a good parent, you will stick to your guns; after all, you know the limit is for your child’s best interest. Suddenly your child will look you straight in the eye and say, “You’re the worst mom ever. You’re so mean. I hate you. I wish I lived somewhere else!” They may not use those exact words, but you’ll feel the sting. They may not even say the words out loud, but you’ll feel the laser cold stare they shoot at you. Really, it is unavoidable. It will happen. What’s more important than when it happens is how you respond!

Children need to know their parents are bigger and stronger than they are.  They need to know their parents can and will survive their anger and harsh impulsive words. When your children blurt out the “I hate you…You’re so mean” mantra, do not strike back.  Do not return anger for anger. Offer them a blessing instead, a blessing consisting of three parts.

  1. Acknowledge their anger and frustration. “I’m sorry this is so frustrating for you” or “I can tell this really makes you angry” are the kinds of statements that acknowledge and empathize with your children’s emotions. When you acknowledge your children’s emotions, you children will know you care enough to hear and understand them. You do not fear their emotions. Instead, you accept their emotions…and them.
  2. Confirm your continued love for them. You might simply say, “I still love you” or “I love you too much to let you (insert the behavior you’re limiting).” Your children learn that even when you stare into their face of anger you love them. Your love is unwavering, not conditioned on their emotions or behavior.
  3. Stick to you guns. Yes, the limit still stands. An age appropriate, loving limit does not disappear in the wash of your children’s anger. It remains intact because it is securely grounded in your loving desire for your children’s best interest.

Your children will learn several crucial lessons from this 3-part blessing. They will learn you love them. You are stronger than their anger. Their anger will not scare you away. And a loving limit remains, even in the face of anger. Give it a try…you might be surprised at the results.

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An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in Three Parts

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I love research with infants. I find research it amazing and so very informative…and funny at times. One of my favorite studies is unpublished and came in three parts. I heard a conference speaker describe it. Let me share it with you.


vater und tochter haben spaßPart 1. An infant is seated in an appropriate chair at a table on which two toys rest. An adult enters the room and sits at the table across from the infant. He makes eye contact with the infant. He interacts and connects with the infant. After the relationship is established, the researcher picks up a toy and engages the infant in play with that toy. Then he puts the toy back in its spot and leaves. A second adult enters the room. He, too, makes eye contact with the infant. He engages the infant in an interaction. After the connection is established, he looks quizzically at the two toys and then at the infant. The infant turns to and reaches for the toy the first adult had play with. Together, the infant and second adult enjoy playing with that toy. Part one, in and of itself, is not surprising so far, but…

Part 2. Again, an infant is seated in an appropriate chair at a table on which two toys rest. An adult enters the room and sits at the table across from the infant. He does NOT make eye contact with the infant. He does NOT engage the infant in an interaction. He does NOT connect in any way with the infant. He simply picks up a toy and plays for a short time, returns the toy to its spot, and leaves. A second adult enters the room. He makes eye contact with the infant, engages the infant in an interaction, and enjoys a connection with the infant. He then looks quizzically at the two toys and the infant. The infant does not respond by pointing out a toy. The infant does not seem to know which toy to pick. Without a connection, the infant did not learn which toy was best. He did not learn which toy to pick and has nothing to share with the second adult. We learn best from those with whom we have a relationship, not strangers. But, there is another, even more intriguing twist ahead in…

Part 3 (my favorite part). Same scenario—an infant sits at a table that has two toys on it. An adult sits across the table, makes eye contact with the infant and engages the infant in an interaction. Once the connection is established, the adult picks up a toy and begins to play with it. But he looks bored with the toy. He does not enjoy the toy. It was a poor choice for him. He puts the toy back in its spot and leaves. A second adult comes in and established contact with the infant. Once the connection is established, he looks from toy to toy and then to the infant. The infant picks a toy for the adult…but NOT the one the first adult was bored with. He picks the other toy! The infant recognized the first adult’s boredom and corrected for his choice when helping the second adult.

 

Think about what this means for our parenting practices. Our children need us to interact with them and connect with them before they learn from us. They learn out of relationship. When we have a relationship with our children, they even learn from our mistakes and can correct for that mistake in the future. You might ask, “So what?” If I were only concerned with toys, I would ask the same thing. However, if this is true for toys it is likely true for behaviors like hard work and kindness as well. It is probably true for attitudes like politeness and generosity. It is likely needed to pass on values like love and compassion. Our children need us to connect with them and form relationships with them so they can learn the important behaviors, attitudes, and values of life. In other words, our relationship with our children will shape the tomorrow in which we grow old. What kind of tomorrow will your relationship with your children create?

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Family: Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

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Recently I have read and heard several discussions about prioritizing love for spouse or love for children. Should we prioritize spouse or children? Is family focused around marriage or parenting? Do we create a “kid-centered family” or a “marriage-centered family?” Those siding with the parenting-focused, “kid-centered family” emphasize that we only have our children at home for a short time and they need to know how much we love them. Knowing we love them will make them more secure and confident, not only as children but as adults. Those focusing on a “marriage-centered family” stood on the principle that a strong marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children. A strong marriage creates a sense of security and stability for the children. Family is built upon a strong marital relationship.
 
Ultimately, both sides make good points. However, I believe the whole debate focuses on the wrong questions. We live in a world of specialization. Doctors specialize, engineers specialize, dentists specialize, ministers specialize, and teachers specialize. Our children go to college to specialize in their career. That works out great in society. I don’t want my dentist prescribing my glasses or a psychologist teaching my children accounting. This idea of specialization has crept into the family. However, specialization does not work well in the family. The family is greater than the mere sum of its parts. God did not create us to specialize within the family, to focus on various parts of family. He created the family to reflect His character. When you think of God, what “parts of family” comes to mind? What specialized role does He play? He is the Father (Romans 8:15, 1 John 3:1-2) who adopts us, makes us His children, and disciplines us to help us grow. But, He comforts us like a mother comforting her child (Isaiah 66:12-13). In Jesus Christ, God becomes our Husband or Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:25-33) yet we are also “fellow heirs” with Him as our Sibling, a “fellow child” of God (Romans 8:16-17). Within the Trinity, God is Spouse, Parent, Child, and Sibling. He does not specialize in a single role within the family–He focuses on the whole family. In every role He fills, He encourages and lifts up other members of the “family.” As the Father, He glorifies the Son…as a Child, He glorifies the Father…as a Spouse, He sacrifices His very life for His Bride…as a Sibling, He raises us up to fellow heirs with Him.
 
If we want to carry out the image of God within our families, we will strive to become the same type of “renaissance-family-member” He portrays. Like God, men will become good fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers. Women will become comforting mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters. We will no longer ask whether the role of spouse or parent takes highest priority. Instead, we will ask, “How we can become a family in which each member honors, encourages, and comforts the other members?” As we answer that question, we will discover that we become better parents as our marital relationship grows stronger and our marriages become stronger as we parent together. Women will become more confident in themselves and their parenting as their husband becomes more supportive and involved. Husbands will become more involved with children in relation to the support of a loving wife. Spouses will compliment one another and bring out the best in one another when parenting from within a loving relationship. Our marital relationship will grow as we parent together. Many experts focus on the drift and strain that can occur in a marriage as children are born. However, marriages can become stronger as spouses negotiate and work together for the common goal of raising healthy, mature children. Partners grow more appreciative of one another as they observe the sacrifices made in order to help in the parenting process. Women, in particular, grow more attracted to their husband when he remains actively involved with her children. Men become more admiring of their wife as she manages the multiple tasks involved in parenting.
 
Marriage grows stronger through parenting. Parenting becomes more effective as we parent within the bounds of a growing marriage. Parenting and marriage are not specializations we assume during different times of our life, but merely parts of a whole that we call family. And, family is greater than the sum of parenting and marriage. Both remain important, but neither rises above the priority of family. Let’s take the family back from the culture of specialization and focus on the family as a whole, not a collection of parts.  
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Your Child’s Toolbox for Self-Soothing

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Children ride an emotional roller coaster. They get angry, happy, excited, bored, and so much more. You name it, they feel it. Unfortunately, they don’t know how to manage those feelings in a mature way…YET. One of our parental jobs is to teach them the skills necessary to manage emotions in a mature and effectively way.

The first step in teaching your children the skills to manage their emotions well is to make sure you manage your emotions well. (Find tips to manage your own emotion and get your teen to talk while you do in Encouraging Your Teen to Talk with You.)

The second thing you need to do is develop a strong relationship with your child, a relationship that encourages security and open communication. (Read An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in 3 Parts and Relationships Rule for more.)

Third, develop an “Emotional Management Toolbox” with your child. Find a shoe box. Then sit down with your child to talk about ways to manage their emotions. As you talk about various methods, fill the box with items that will help them carry out the plan. Here are a few items that may prove useful in an Emotional Management Toolbox.

  • A set of emotional face cards. You can download this picture of facial expressions here or here to represent your child’s emotions. Cut them into cards, one emotion per card. Your child can use these pictures and labels to help him name the emotion he is feeling. Being able to name an emotion allows a person the time to think about the best response to that emotion. Naming an emotion is a first step in managing an emotion.
  • A straw to focus breathing. A straw can help a person learn how practice a calming breath. Put the straw in your child’s mouth and have them take a big breath in through their nose and then slowly breath out through the straw. This slow breathing exercise can help calm emotions.
  • Favorite photos. Get photos that remind them of their favorite place, a favorite person, or who they want to become…photos that remind them of their values, their desires, and their relationships.
  • Art supplies. Your child can use art supplies to express his or her emotions in positive and nonharmful ways.  So, get some crayons, markers, paints, coloring books, and paper. You can also get clay, playdough, beads, string…any art supplies your child might enjoy. Mandala coloring books can prove especially helpful with some teens.
  • Candles. Smells and aromas like lavender, sandalwood, jasmine, and vanilla are among the scents that have a calming effect on many people, including children. Scented candles and essential oils may prove a great tool in your child’s Emotional Management Toolkit.
  • Fidget toys and stress balls provide another excellent tool in the Emotional Management Toolkit. (A variety of fidget toys and stress balls can be found here or on amazon.)
  • A reminder to run or bike or do some physical activity. Sometimes a person needs to “blow off steam” to really manage their emotions. So figure out a way to put a reminder in the Emotional Management Toolkit. A picture or an action figure might do the trick…whatever serves as the best reminder for your child.
  • Self-affirmation cards. You and your child can sit down one day and create several self-affirmation cards to keep in their Emotional Management Toolkit. Statements like, “This makes me angry and I can use that anger to talk about what’s important to me.” Or, “I’ve managed this before and I can manage it again.” “I am stronger than my emotions.” “My emotions are not in charge of me; I’m in charge of my emotions.” You and your child can write down the ones that will be most helpful in your family.
  • A journal and pen. Studies have consistently shown that journaling can help us manage our emotions.  Here are four journaling exercises to help you manage your emotions. And, for another journaling help read The Good and the Bad of Journaling.

There are more things you could put in your child’s Emotional Management Toolkit, but I’ll leave that to you and your child’s creativity. Put it together and teach them to use it. In time, your child will be a master at managing emotion.

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Help Your Children Internalize Great Values

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As parents, we want our children to internalize positive values and the discernment to make wise choices. We encourage them to begin developing this kind of maturity early in hopes that, over time, they will internalize the skills necessary to do so independently. How can we help our children internalize the positive values and behaviors needed to live well? Here are some do’s and don’ts to consider.

First the DON’T’s:

  • parenting challengeDon’t yell. Yelling “scrambles” children’s minds. It threatens their sense of security. They feel responsible for their parent’s anger and threatened at the same time. Their fight or flight system is activated as a result; but they can’t run or fight. They are left in limbo, frozen, minds scrambled, unable to listen and unable to learn. Rather than yell, stay calm. Speak firmly but respectfully.
  • Don’t lecture. Children stop listening when parents lecture. They shut down. Instead, make your statements brief, concise, and to the point.
  • Don’t use permanent attributions like “always” and “never.” Your children will internalize your “always” and “never.” If you say your child “always lies” or “never cleans,” they will come to believe that about themselves and live it out. Use phrases like “this time” instead. Stick to “this” specific situation rather than letting your mind and your words go to “always” and “never.”
  • Don’t make comparisons. Comparisons never turnout well. Instead of helping to internalize positive values, comparisons contribute to a poor self-image, overly competitive behavior, fear of failure, and resentment. Focus on the specific behavior you want to address instead.

Don’t stop with the “don’ts” above. To really help your children internalize positive values and wisdom…

  • Do invest in a relationship with your children. Children internalize the values of people they know love them. If you want your children to listen to you and follow your guidance, build a relationship with them. This will demand an investment of time and energy. Take time getting to know your children. Learn about those things that interest them. Meet their friends. Enjoy activities with them. The closer your relationship with your children, the more likely they will internalize positive values from you. (Check out this Amazing Parenting Insight I Learned in 3 Parts for more.)
  • Do build on what they know already. Children already have a surprising ability to know right from wrong. Just check out this video from Yale University’s Infant Cognition Center, you might be surprised. Capitalize on that innate knowledge and encourage it. Rather than simply telling them what to do, ask them what they think and gently give input. Talk to them about choices movie characters make and the consequences. When a friend does something, ask them about it and their thoughts. Give them a chance to talk and develop their knowledge of right and wrong with your gently guidance and acceptance.
  • Do let them make choices. Children of all ages can make choices. Of course the nature of those choices will change over time; but, the opportunity to make choices will help them internalize positive values at any age. Let your toddler pick a shirt from the two you lay out. Your teen, on the other hand, can pick out a shirt from his whole closet. Let them make choices about simple daily activities like whether to take a bath or shower. And let them participate in larger more complex family decisions like where to go for dinner or what to do on vacation.
  • Do let them suffer. Sometimes our children will make poor choices that lead to some consequence. Don’t bail them out. Do let them suffer the consequences. Let them experience the results of their choices and their behaviors. Of course, take the initiative to protect them from decisions that can lead to greater harm. But, if they forget their lunch one day, let them suffer. They’ll survive. If they neglect their school project, let them suffer a poor grade. They’ll recover. Our children, like us, will learn a lot from the experience of a consequence.

DON’T neglect these four Do’s and four Don’ts to help your children internalize positive values. Get out there and DO them. And, have fun!

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The Benefit of Inaccurate Information

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We seem to live in days filled with misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. I find it frustrating and disappointing. Worse, I find it somewhat frightening for our children. But…then again… inaccurate information does offer our children benefits IF—and only IF—we develop and nurture a secure, stable, trusting relationship with them.

When children have a secure relationship with a reliable and trustworthy parent, they exhibit a greater ability to weigh the veracity of information they receive. They also show an improved ability to assess the reliability of the person sharing the information. Moreover, they tend to act on the intent of the information giver, not just the content they receive.

This is important for parents. After all there will be times in which we give our children inaccurate information. It may happen based on our own misunderstanding of the information or of the question asked. It can occur when we are tired. It may happen because we simply don’t know and thought we did. But it will happen. Truth be told (and I hate to admit this) even parents don’t know everything. As a result, we will share inaccurate information with our children at times. (For more, read The Perfectly Inadequate Parent.) But here’s one of the beautiful aspects of developing and nurturing a secure relationship with our children, one built on trust and reliability. When we make a mistake and share inaccurate information, they will recognize our intent to share accurate information. They will remember our character and integrity. Most importantly, they will act on our intent and our character, not the inaccurate information. They will correct any inaccurate or incomplete information we might have accidentally shared. (See An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in Three Parts.) They will correct our inaccuracies and continue to love us, respect us, trust us, and turn to us.

Another benefit of inaccurate or misleading information involves strangers. When our children have a secure relationship with us, hearing inaccurate information helps them learn how to assess the reliability of a person and the extent to which they can trust that person. In other words, based in a secure relationship with a parent, inaccurate information helps our children learn discernment. That discernment will protect them from people who might try to take advantage of them through the dissemination of inaccurate information. It will protect them in this age of misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. In this way, inaccurate information can benefit our children…but only if they have a secure relationship with a trusted and dependable parent. Start building and nurturing that relationship with your child today. It will help them develop the discernment they need for a lifetime.

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To Teach or Not To Teach

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Parents want their children to grow in knowledge, to do well in school and get accepted into a university that will set their career on a great trajectory. To accomplish this end, parents often take the role of teaching their children. That is all well and good, but it’s not the most effective way for parents to reach these goals. Offering didactic teaching is not really the best option for a parent. In fact, it’s definitely not the way children learn best. Know what does help your children learn to the best of their ability? Your relationship with them.

It’s true. Children learn best when their parents build a stable and reliable relationship with them, a stable and reliable resource of security. Research actually suggests that a parent who nurtures a stable, reliable relationship with their children is more valuable than explicitly teaching them. The relationship actually helps increase their ability to learn effectively. Moreover, trust in the parent-child relationship is more important than teaching strategies a parent might use or lessons a parent might teach. When children enjoy a secure relationship with their parents, a relationship filled with trust and stability, they learn more easily.

Knowing that parents represent a child’s primary “teacher” of important lessons (including emotional knowledge, values, and priorities) the parent-child relationship becomes even more important…kind of scary too. I never took a “parenting class” to learn how I might pass on these important lessons to my children; and I know mistakes are inevitable. Fortunately, when a child learns from a parent with whom they have a strong, stable relationship, they even correct the mistakes their parent inevitably makes.

If children experience a more avoidant relationship with their parent, one in which the parent-child relationship does not offer the stability of coregulating emotions and emotional connection, they will learn equally from parent and stranger. At first glance, this sounds okay. However, it means that children indiscriminately learn important emotional knowledge and values from strangers as readily as they learn them from their parents. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my children to learn from just any stranger.

If, on the other hand, children experience an anxious attachment with their parent, one in which they remain insecure in the relationship and unclear if the parent will remain available to them in times of need, they still learn from their parent. However, they do not correct the mistakes their parents might make. They indiscriminately accept all knowledge from their parents, right or wrong. They will leave the home with mistaken ideas passed on by their parents. Consider the dangers this can present when learning important emotional knowledge and values from a parent with an alcohol or drug problem.

But a secure relationship, a stable and reliable relationship…that opens the door to learning. Your relationship with your children is the most important gift you can give them to enhance their ability to learn. The more secure and trusting your relationship, the more easily and effectively they will learn. Not only will they learn more easily, but they will learn the important lessons of values and emotional maturity primarily from you. Even better, they will recognize mistakes you make and improve upon the lessons you teach them. So, if you want your children to do well in school and learn the lessons that will help them do well in life, focus on developing and nurturing a secure, loving, reliable relationship with them.

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Don’t Squelch Your Little Creative Genius

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Children are born creative geniuses. At least that’s what a study by George Landis of NASA discovered (Learn more about that study in this TedTalk). He had developed a test for NASA to determine the creativity of job applicants. As they gave it to job applicants, questions arose—like, “Where does creativity come from?” and “Are we born creative, or do we learn creativity?” In an attempt to get some answers to these questions, they utilized this test of creativity to discover the level of creativity in children.  

  • They tested 1,600 children (4- to 5-years of age) and found that 98% fell into the category of creative genius.
  • They then tested the same children 5 years later (at about 10-years of age). The percentage who tested in the genius category of imagination fell to 30%.
  • Again, the children were tested at 15-years of age. The percentage fell to 12%.
  • They also gave the test to about 2,800 adults and found the percentage of adults falling into the category of genius was only 2%.

How discouraging is that? The creativity of a person seemed to decrease over time. The authors of this study believe this decline occurred because we teach our children to judge and criticize ideas before dreaming or generating new ideas, even instead of dreaming or generating new ideas. We teach them to seek the “one right answer,” even for new problems that arise. In doing so, we silence the creative idea generating parts of our brain.

We face many “new” problems in our world today, problems ranging from technology to social relationships to environmental needs. In other words, creativity could prove a valuable asset in our world. Fortunately, we are all born with a streak of creative genius. For the sake of our world and our happiness, we need our children to flourish as creative geniuses as they mature. We need them to maintain their creative flare so they can meet the challenges of this world with various solutions…and we need our own 5-year-old creative genius to reemerge and help us to start our families on a new and creative path of solutions to the challenges we face today. How can we do this?

  • Create opportunities for creative expression. Allow your children the opportunity to engage in creative activities and creative problem-solving.
  • Stop and listen to creative moments that naturally arise. When your child offers a suggestion or a possible solution to some problem, stop and listen. Even if it sounds outlandish at first, stop and consider the possibility. Rather than judge or criticize, talk about their thoughts and ideas. Talk through the possibilities with them. When your child creates an art project, observe it and recognize a particular aspect you like or find interesting rather than judge and criticize. Who cares if the sky is green or the fish have wings? Allow creative expression and exploration. You will be pleasantly surprised by your child’s creative reasoning.
  • Encourage a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. You can do this by acknowledging effort more than outcome. Recognize specific details about their work rather than offering global praises and acknowledgments. Avoid labeling your child as “creative” or “not creative.” Rather than label, simply acknowledge their effort and the interesting details of their project.
  • Also, frame “failures” and “setbacks” as opportunities to learn. This also contributes to a growth mindset. Besides, when you think about it, creativity is all about learning from what doesn’t work and applying what you learn in a new way to discover a new solution. Allow your children the joy of failures and setbacks along with the opportunities to learn from them.  
  • Play. Have fun and play. You might even make up the game if you don’t have one in mind already. You can also enjoy playing with words by telling jokes or stories. Play with music by singing or playing an instrument. Even make an instrument. Play catch. Play a sport. Play slow motion tag. Play anything you like…just play and have fun.
  • Encourage curiosity. Travel. Try a new food. Go to an art museum. Play a new game. Enjoy new and novel activities. All of this will encourage curiosity.

Creativity adds joy to life. Creativity supports resilience and perseverance. Creativity opens the door to creating a better world for our children and grandchildren. Nurture your creativity and your children’s creativity…it will make the world a better place.

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What If We Treated Life Like We Treat Sleep?

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I was reading Why Sleep Matters for Kids’ Bodies and Brains. The author noted that “kids don’t sleep enough.” She quoted Rafael Pelayo, a sleep expert, as saying, “Whenever I tell people that my work is on sleep, people say things, like, ‘I love to sleep.’ That’s an odd thing to say, because it’s like saying you’re fond of oxygen.” Sleep is as important as oxygen. We need it to survive. Yet we tend to think of it as an enjoyable thing we don’t get enough of. Fact is: sleep-deprivation is associated with a host of physical and mental ailments. We need sleep to live healthy, happy lives.  

A little later in the article, the sleep expert compared people’s thoughts about their need for sleep with their thoughts about food. He said, “You don’t say to your kids, ‘Eat whatever you want on Saturday or Sunday, because I’m going to starve you Monday to Friday. Yet that’s the way we treat sleep.” What? He’s right. We let our children stay up late and force them to get up early Monday through Friday, limiting their sleep time and then allowing them to sleep all day Saturday and Sunday. Unfortunately, “it doesn’t work that way.” We don’t catch up on our sleep. We’ve starved their need for sleep during the week and gorged on the weekend. Not a healthy diet of sleep.

He also noted that we dream in the last quarter of the night. So when we awaken children early, we interfere with the dream cycle of their sleep. We are “dream-depriving them.” He then goes on to say, “It’s a platitude we say to teenagers all of the time: we want you to follow your dreams. But we cut off the ability to dream with the schedules we impose on them.”

Those statements “got me wondering.” How else do we treat sleep in ways wildly contradictory to the rest of life. Consider these examples:

  • We need to model good sleep habits for our children, but we often don’t make great sleep role models. We live in a world that does not value sleep.  I’ve even heard people pridefully talk about how little sleep they got last night to highlight their dedication to the current activity or the busyness of their work. Such statements do not model good sleep habits. Such actions and statements basically tell our children to “Do as I say, not as I do.” Who would smoke a cigarette and tell their child to “Do as I say, not as I do” and expect they won’t try smoking?
  • Sometimes we reward our children with the “privilege” of staying up late. If they finish their homework, help clean the kitchen, or behave appropriately all day, they can stay up late and skip some of their needed time of sleep. That’s like telling our children, “Do a good job and you can engage in this unhealthy practice of sleep-deprivation.” It would be like sitting at the dinner table and saying, “If you eat all your donuts, you don’t have to eat your vegetables.”
  • Times get busy and sleep gets put on the back burner. But remember, sleep is essential for our mental, emotional, and physical health. Without sleep, we struggle. Yet, we put it on a back burner compared to other things in our lives—work, school, athletics, music, socialization, TV, gaming, social media. What if we did the same when it came to using the bathroom? “Don’t take time to go to the bathroom, just do your work.” “Don’t quit gaming when you ‘need to go.’ Hold it. You’ll be fine.” The outcome would be less than desirable. When we put sleep on a back burner to our other interests, the outcome is just as undesirable. It’s a disaster.  

I know those statements sound silly when applied to parts of life other than sleep. But they should sound just as silly when applied to sleep. Sleep is crucial to our health. Make it a priority in your family. You, your spouse, and your children will be glad you did.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , ,
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