My friend stood at an ATM machine
getting money when someone walked up behind her and began to “grope
her.” She was furious. Being an independent strong woman, she turned
around and hit him with her purse in one smooth movement. He fell to the
ground. She prepared to tell him off when he held up his red and white cane
saying, “Wait…I’m blind. I was trying to find the ATM machine.” Now,
my friend, being a kind and compassionate woman, suddenly felt guilty for
having decked a blind man. She apologized and helped him up. What changed? Her
perspective of the situation changed. She went from thinking someone was trying
to take advantage of her to thinking someone was in need due to physical
challenges. How many times does this happen in marriage (perhaps to a lesser
extent and with no physical attacks I mean)?
You walk into the house and say “hi”
to your spouse. He ignores you. As your irritation swell up and you get ready
to yell, you realize he is on the phone. He looks your direction and smiles as he
mouths, “I love you.” In a moment, your realization meets his smile
and your irritation turns to joy.
You and your spouse are having a
discussion in the kitchen while you cook dinner. As you look at the pan stirring
noodles, you hear your spouse say, “That was stupid.” Thinking you were called “stupid,”
you look up to complain. Your spouse is standing over a jar of spaghetti sauce
with sauce dripping down her shirt. She smiles, “I forgot it was already
opened.” Anger turns to laughter.
You walk into the kitchen to find
the sink full of dishes. Frustrated, you begin to rinse them and slam them into
the dishwasher. When your spouse walks into the room you say sarcastically,
“Thanks for cleaning the kitchen.” Your spouse apologizes and explains
that the children have been sick and throwing up all day. You notice the stain
of vomit on her shirt. Anger becomes compassion as you give her a hug.
In each situation the only thing that changed
was the perspective of the situation. Sometimes we need to take a breath before
reacting. We need to take a sacred pause, to slow down and practice a little
patience before we explode. The sacred pause allows us look to our spouse and
ask a few questions, find out more about the situation, and learn more about
what’s happening from their point of view. That sacred pause, that moment of
patience, can turn anger into compassion or frustration into joy. That sacred
pause can save your marriage.
Let’s face it. Parenting is hard
work, an emotional and mental endurance workout. It comes with great hopes and
joys as well as difficult challenges and struggles. Unfortunately, it does not
come with an easy-to-do manual. Each
child is different…and each child demands something different from their
parent. Although I can’t tell you the one perfect thing to do as a parent to
assure your children becomes healthy and mature adults, I can tell you about four
common parenting mistakes to avoid. Avoiding them can help you enjoy more of
the hopes and joys of parenting than the struggles and disappointments. So,
here we go…four parenting mistakes to avoid.
Enabling. Parents enable their children by indulging them, satisfying their every desire and “bailing them out” in an effort to save them from discomfort. Saving your children from consequences and discomfort only leads to children who avoid challenges and hard work. It contributes to entitled children. Ironically, enabling our children in this way also contributes to lower self-esteem. So, instead of enabling your children, begin to empower them. Teach them personal responsibility. Let them experience the consequences of their behavior. Let them “suffer” the reality of not having every need satisfied. Let them grow strong. (Three Simple Steps to Discipline Children)
Inconsistency. Consistency provides predictability and security in family life. Children thrive when they feel secure. Inconsistency, on the other hand, leaves them guessing and frustrated. They begin to second guess themselves and feel inadequate to meet demands that they can’t even quite figure out. In other words, inconsistency hurts our children. Consistency, on the other hand, leads to growth. Children grow more mature and experience more happiness when we strive to maintain consistency in our homes—consistency in rules, consistency in routine, consistency in love, consistency in attention, consistency in expectation…consistency. (All Parents Fail Without This Ingredient)
Invalidating their feelings. Everyone has feelings. Feelings give us important information about priorities, needs, and concerns. They energize us to meet those priorities and communicate our needs. We invalidate our children’s feelings when we minimize them, contradict them, or lecture them rather than empathizes with them. When we invalidate our children’s feelings, they feel misunderstood at best and possibly even feel like there is something wrong with them for having feelings. As a result, they may become more defiant or experience mood problems like depression or anxiety. Empathize with your children’s emotions. Listen. Understand. Empathize. Then, and only then, discuss and problem-solve.
Phubbing. Phubbing is snubbing someone by looking at your phone: phone snubbing or phubbing. Multiple studies reveal that cellphones interfere with relationships. They make the person being “phubbed” feel invalidated, unimportant, and disregarded. Our children whither when they feel disregarded and unimportant in their parents’ lives. They begin to “act out” to gain attention when they feel ignored. Quit “phubbing” and start loving. Give your children healthy attention. Interact. Play. Engage. Enjoy…and they will realize their importance and significance. (A Sense of Belonging Phubbed & The Power of Your Thumb)
Avoiding these four common mistakes will not
assure a perfect child…but they will help you a better parent.
My daughter was just learning to
walk when we started singing “Go Down Moses” while dancing around the
living room. My other daughter stood up to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star” as we solemnly buried a bird that had committed kamikaze against our
front window. The toddler we babysat looked at me with anticipation and
followed the directions of our impromptu lyrics calling her to step onto a small
step and “jump” before laughing and asking to do it again.
When our children seem upset and
begin to cry, we sing them a song to help them calm. When they can’t sleep, we
sing them a lullaby. When they need to clean up their rooms, we might follow
Barney’s cue and sing “Clean up, clean up….” We teach our children
the alphabet through song. The list goes on. Music works wonders for a
parent…and it continues working right through the teen years.
Children start remembering melodies
as early as 5-months-old. At 11-months-old they are more receptive to a person
singing a familiar song, even if that person is a stranger. Infants and
children feel soothed by music and even begin to use music to calm themselves
at a very young age. Who hasn’t heard their very young child, upset about
having to take a nap, lying in their crib singing a song rather than crying? Even
teens calm themselves through song.
Music brings us together. Whether we
sing like a songbird or croak out a tune, it communicates that we are paying
attention to the one we sing to and the
ones we sing with. It signals that we are all part of the same group, we belong.
Music draws us together and bonds us. It allows us to share emotions and even
synchronizes us physically.
Why not use music in your family? Sing a song together. Listen to music together. Enjoy music together. Your family will love it. You will experience greater joy and intimacy with your family. Give it a try: “Sing. Sing a song. Make it simple to last the whole night long….”
Have you ever asked this question?
You’ve made the bed, washed the clothes, and cooked dinner. Now, resentment
builds as you wash the dishes and clean the kitchen. In frustration you ask
yourself, “Why do I have to do everything around here?” Or, maybe
you’ve cut the grass, trimmed the hedges, washed the car, and grilled supper.
Now you’re being asked to run to the store. You wanted to sit down and rest.
Frustration wells up and you think, “Why do I have to do everything around
here?” Perhaps this question has been verbalized during a conflict over
who does what around the house…”Why do I have to do everything around
here?” or “I do everything around here!” I know I’ve said those very
words. One day, however, I had an
epiphany. A light went off in my head as a new insight flashed through my mind.
It’s my fault. My frustration and fear about
“having to do everything” was my fault. By complaining about “everything I do,”
I rob everyone in my family. I rob them of opportunities to serve and then I became
resentful that they allowed me to rob them! As this insight became clear in my
mind, I began to smile at how silly my complaining seemed. Then, I decided to
make a change. That change led to happier relationships in my family. Let me
share what I learned.
I do not
live with mind readers. No one in
my family knows when I feel overwhelmed or when I want help unless I ask. I have
a responsibility to ask for help when I want it. I hate asking for help. I like
to feel independent. But it’s crazy to resent people for not helping me when I
haven’t even told them I need help. Actually, I often tell them I don’t need
help even when I want it. You’ve probably had a similar conversation. “Do
you need help with the kitchen?” “No, I’m alright.” “OK,
I’m going to do some stuff downstairs (translate ‘watch TV’).” In
frustration I reply, “That’s fine. I don’t mind” with a more cynical
tone than I had intended. “You sure you don’t want any help?”
“I’m sure,” comes the short reply and a roll of my eyes. Now I’m
cleaning the kitchen feeling like a slave and my spouse is downstairs watching
TV trying to figure out what they did to get “yelled at.” Avoid the whole scenario. Ask for help.
called to play the house martyr. Sure, I can make sacrifices for the
good of my family. I can put aside my own selfish needs and serve my family,
but I do not have to become a resentful martyr. Instead, I can honestly state my needs. (I know,
radical idea, right?) My family needs me to become honest about my needs. If I
need their help, if I feel overwhelmed and require assistance, if I just want a
break and would like their help…I need to come clean, be honest, and tell
to accept help and it’s alright to expect help. Everyone in the family has a contribution to make to the
household. By not stating my need and accepting help, I rob my family of the
opportunity to make a significant contribution to the household. I don’t want
to rob them of the opportunity to express their love for family through
service. I don’t want to rob them of the pleasure of some other activity
because of my frustration (see first bullet above). I want to accept their
help and have the joy of working together as a family to maintain our
I need to be
honest with myself. To be completely honest with you
and myself, I have to acknowledge that I’m not the only one “doing everything
around here.” Other family members are doing various jobs around the house
as well. My spouse and children make huge contributions to the household. I need to develop the habit of noticing what
they do and thanking them for doing it. I need to develop the habit of
gratitude. I need to be grateful for what other family members do.
Four realization and four
actions…each one made me smile. And, my smile gets bigger and bigger as I
practice each of the four actions—asking for help, being honest, accepting
help, and being grateful for help. Give them a try and you’ll be smiling
What can we learn about kindness from 36 studies and 1,150 fMRIs gathered over a 10-year period from people making kind decisions? Psychologists at the University of Sussex can answer that question. They analyzed the research of those 36 studies and split the acts of kindness into two categories: strategic kindness (kindness in which the person giving kindness gained a personal benefit) and altruistic kindness (kindness in which the person giving kindness did not gain a personal benefit in return). The research revealed that reward areas of the brain became more active when a person engaged in strategic kindness, kindness with the opportunity for the recipient to “return the favor.” But wait. The same areas became activated when the person engaged in acts of kindness with no hope of a “return favor.” There was no hope for personal benefit in the act of altruistic kindness, but the reward centers of the brain still became more active. So, whether one engaged in strategic kindness or altruistic kindness, the reward centers of the brain became more active. It appears that engaging in deeds of kindness may be its own reward.
But wait. There’s more. (No, it’s not a ‘Chop-o-Matic.’) Activating the brain’s reward center represents the similarity between the two types of kindness. The research revealed a difference as well. In altruistic kindness even more areas of the brain became active. In other words, altruistic kindness did more than activate the reward centers of the brain; altruistic kindness activated even broader regions of the brain. Want to get your children’s brains active? Give them opportunities to engage in acts of kindness.
I realize we can activate the reward
centers and other areas of our brain by engaging in any number of activities; but,
might I suggest we engage the brains of our children and families by presenting
opportunities to engage in kindness as a family. Maybe if we engage the reward
centers of our family members’ brains with kindness and relationship, they will
be less likely to engage them in harmful ways (like drug use). And, engaging in kindness sounds like so much
more fun! So, engage your brains and the brains of your children. Activate your
reward centers. Enjoy the stimulation of your brain’s reward system. Engage in
acts of kindness.
I remember it well. Days of rolling easy
as a parent would suddenly come crashing down as our children took a sudden, sharp
turn into Crazy Land (I hope they’re not reading this). To make matters worse,
we could rarely identify any reason for the sudden shift in behavior…but shift
it did! Our kind, caring, well-behaved children suddenly became emotional
quagmires of tears, irritability, and demands. Minor acts of defiance often
followed. Entitlement and selfish expectations increased. The change was mysterious, a painstaking step
off a cliff into an abyss of emotional turmoil. Even though they would push us
away at these times, we knew they needed us to pull them closer. Although they
would push against the limits, we knew they needed us to reinforce the limits
with kind firmness. In other words, they needed us to give them a S.E.A.T.
Set the limits. Restate the limits with kind firmness. Remain polite, but don’t cave. Don’t give in. Children need limits, especially when they seem to be melting down. Give them the gift of security by restating and maintaining firm limits in a manner that reveals your own self-control and confidence as a parent (even if you don’t feel it at the moment). They need the strength of your confidence and self-control, the power of your composure during the chaos of limit setting to help them learn how to manage their own emotions as they mature.
Empathize with your children. You can empathize with your children’s frustration over the limit (“You’re really upset that I told you to turn off your game and set the table. It’s hard to stop playing sometimes but I’d like you to help get the table ready for dinner.”). You can empathize with your children by acknowledging their tears, their frustration, and even their anger. Empathizing is not allowing behaviors. It is simply accepting and understanding the pain they feel. Empathizing with your children allows you to connect with them. Even if they don’t acknowledge the connection, know you have connected through empathy…and that connection increases your credibility in their eyes.
Accept their emotions. They may get angry. They may break down in tears. They may simply shut down. No matter what, accept their emotion. Emotions in and of themselves are a sign of our shared humanity. They help reveal our priorities. You can set limits with the emotions such as “You can be angry with me, but we don’t hit” or “It’s alright to be upset with me, but you can’t call people names.” Even as you set the limit, accept the emotion and remain present. Let your presence communicate that you are stronger than their emotion. Your children will learn this important lesson: even in the face of scary emotions that make them feel out of control, you are in control. You are a safe haven. You are more powerful than their worst emotions and you will keep them safe.
Team up. As you children begin to calm down, reconnect. Hug them. Make sure they know you still love them. Talk about what happened and how they might avoid a similar problem in the future. This may include changes the parent can make, changes the children can make, and changes in communication. In other words, problem solve together.
As you go through this process with
your children you will have given them a S.E.A.T.
and the confidence they need to manage their emotions and behaviors better in
is a dragon in your house. He rests right between you and your spouse. Don’t
worry. It’s not a bad thing. He’s perfectly safe and can even protect your marriage.
This dragon has rested between spouses since the beginning of time. Couples used
to honor their dragon. They believed love could not live unless their dragon protected
it. It was a badge of honor for a married couple to tame the dragon and keep
him healthy in the home they built together. Scripture even tells us God owns this
pet dragon. It was not until the 19th century that this dragon fell
out of vogue. People began to fear it. They began to believe this dragon represented
danger to the subdued, secretive emotional life of the family. What if the
dragon wasn’t so tame? What if it suddenly went wild, triggered by some threat?
After all, there had been incidents in which the docile dragon suddenly went
wild, dangerously thrashing about in an uncontrolled fit of anger. Still, these
incidents only occurred when something or someone threatened the dragon’s owners
or if the owners did not protect the dragon’s sense of safety and security. If
the couple cares for the dragon’s home, assuring his sense of security, he remains
perfectly safe to have in the house.
dragon’s name is Jealousy. Jealousy exists when we have a special relationship
with someone. He reveals the priority we place on commitment, honesty, and
security within our most intimate relationship. In that sense, jealousy remains
a sleeping dragon until we experience some threat to our relationship. Something
that arouses doubt in our partner’s commitment or honesty or threatens our sense
of security in the relationship can make the dragon go wild. At that point,
jealousy can feel uncontrollable and inescapable. It can even be tyrannical. “Wrath
is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy” made
insecure (Proverbs 27:4). Here’s the thing. Jealousy resides in all our homes. The
question becomes: how do we tame jealousy in marriage? Jealousy remains tame when living in an environment
in which he feels safe and secure. So, create an environment of security by doing
Learn about your own insecurities. Each
of us has our own insecurities that we can cast onto the relationship from time
to time. If we view ourselves as unlovable, too fat, not smart enough, not good
enough or some other negative epitaph, we are setting the stage for jealousy to
go wild. Begin to work on yourself. Unload your own baggage. Learn to see yourself through the eyes of God.
Learn to accept yourself as having many good, lovable traits. Accept that there
are areas of growth for all of us and then begin to grow.
Build an environment of trust. Follow
through on promises. Develop a mindset that seeks to honor your spouse. Focus on
and admire those qualities that endear you to your spouse. Verbalize your
admiration and gratitude often.
Celebrate your love. Create
a daily ritual in which you sit down with your spouse to share your daily joys,
successes, sorrows, and shortcomings. Create
a weekly ritual in which you share a date with your spouse. You can go out or can
stay in for this date. Either way, dedicate the time of the date to your spouse—no
cell-phone, no interruptions…just you and your spouse.
These three practices will help you tame the dragon together…and enjoy your love.
I want to put a new species on the endangered species list. It’s not what you think, but I have considered the criteria. To become listed on the endangered species list, a species “must be determined to be endangered or threatened because of any of the following factors:
The present or threatened destruction, modification, or curtailment of its habitat or range;
Overutilization for commercial, recreational, scientific, or educational purposes;
Disease or predation;
The inadequacy of existing regulatory mechanisms; or
Other natural or manmade factors affecting its survival.”
We have an endangered species that
threatens to destroy our family ecosystem. What is the endangered species? Kindness. Wait, hear me out. Kindness
meets the criteria.
Kindness is threatened in our society. It’s habitat is slowly being replaced by an environment filled with rude words, a lack of politeness, and the presence of hate groups in the media. The concept of kindness has been slandered as ineffective in helping one succeed in life (“it’s a dog eat dog world” after all) and the domain of the insincere trying to manipulate the naïve. I once pulled over to help a young lady whose car had broken down. She hid behind her car, afraid that my kindness was a ruse for some dreadful behavior. The habitat of kindness is threatened.
Some businesses have overutilized kindness for commercial reasons. They use kindness to win the client, make the sale, or appease the angry customer. In other words, kindness has become a tool, a means to selfish ends. This is not true everywhere; but it has proven true often enough to raise our suspicions when we experience kindness. Even the kind stranger is suspect in our eyes as we wait for him to become the beggar asking alms.
Kindness is threatened by the societal disease of busy-ness and stress also. We constantly remain on the move from one activity to another. Busy-ness leaves no time for kindness. Busy-ness leads to stress and stress threatens kindness.
That’s three of the five areas in
which kindness meets the endangered species criteria, and you only need to meet
one criterion to make the list. Perhaps you would make a case that kindness is
threatened by existing regulatory mechanisms or other manmade factors as
well. But, already, kindness meets the
criteria for an endangered species. When kindness becomes endangered, our
families suffer. So, what can we do to save kindness? To stabilize the habitat
and family ecosystem and empower it to support kindness? Let me make three
Stop negative speech. This takes work. Stop venting for venting’s sake. Don’t talk about the negatives unless you are doing so to constructively seek an alternative. That means no criticizing without a compassionate solution. No eye rolling. No sighing in exasperation. No grumbling. No putting the other person down, whether talking to them or to someone else. Stop the negative.
Look for the good. Mr. Rogers says to “look for the helpers.” Rabbi Harold Kushner adds, “If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the Soul.” So, in the words of Roy T. Bennett, “Discipline your mind to think positively; to see the good in every situation and look on the best side of every event.” Then turn the good you see into kindness by verbally acknowledging it, praising it, lifting it up for all to see.
Model kindness. Do something kind every day. Hold a door open. Thank a checkout clerk. Give up your seat on the bus. Let the other driver merge. Help a child with homework. Do something kind every day. Kindness is catchy. In fact, it’s so catchy it just might “go viral.” But it can’t go viral until someone begins with an act of kindness. Why not start the kindness epidemic in your family today?