Archive for February 27, 2017

A Modest Proposal with Revolutionary Consequences

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I’m not very political. In fact, I tend to avoid most political debates. That being said, who can miss the tumultuous political struggle going on right now? Our nation is in an uproar. Division seems to be at an all-time high. Our nation’s struggle intrudes into our daily life on the news, in the streets, and on our social media. Many of the voices are loud, angry, defensive, accusatory, and even offensive. Somehow we have to find a way to create change, a way to build the kind of nation we all desire. So, I’m going to dip my toe in the pond…and hopefully not stick my foot in my mouth. I have a suggestion, a modest proposal with revolutionary consequences. Under this proposal, every man, woman, and child can become actively engaged, on a daily basis, in creating the nation we all desire. We can all become agents of change, creating an environment in which our communities and our nation can thrive. My modest proposal: Elevate Family and Marriage! Every day do something to strengthen your family and your marriage…and encourage those around you to do the same. Empower one another to build healthy families.

I can hear the skeptics now. “What? That’s it? Where are the revolutionary consequences? How can elevating the family create a thriving nation? We need healthcare. We need a better economy. We need equal rights. We need more than just a happy home.” I told you it was a modest proposal. But, hear me out. Elevating the family does have revolutionary consequences.

  • Elevating the family and marriage will result in greater health. Happily married men and women live longer, healthier lives. They recover more quickly from illnesses and surgeries. They spend less time in hospitals than those who are unmarried or unhappily married. Married people exhibit the lowest rates of mental illness (California Healthy Marriage Coalition). Do you hear it? A consequence of greater health that will decrease health care costs. I know this won’t end the healthcare crisis, but it’s a start. Yet we spend more money on our wedding and honeymoon than we do on learning what it takes to have a healthy marriage. We need to elevate the family.
  • Elevating the family and marriage will result in healthier children, too. Children who live in healthy families are more likely to do well in school and graduate from high school and college. Children from divorced families receive mental health treatment about twice as often as those in healthy families. “The rate of virginity among teenagers at all ages is highly correlated with the presence or absence of married parents.” They are less likely to parent a child as a teen. Living with biological parents reduces the risk of child abuse, too. Children who live in an intact family also exhibit the lowest rate of drug use. They commit significantly fewer crimes. Once again, this won’t alleviate the problems, but it’s a tremendous start. But we invest more money in response to problems than we do in elevating the family that will help prevent the problem in the first place (California Healthy Marriage Coalition).
  • Elevating family and marriage reduces the number of people living in poverty. Economists estimate that individuals within a married couple each have a net worth about twice as great as never-married individuals and divorced individuals. “When it comes to building wealth or avoiding poverty, a stable marriage may be your most important asset” (The Case for Marriage).
  • Healthy families raise girls who become stronger women. Girls who grow up in a healthy, intact family achieve better in school, are less likely to experience teen pregnancy, and experience positive marriages themselves. A father who is present and active in the home broadens a daughter’s perceived career options, aka-helps create an environment in which women will “break the glass ceiling” (The Top 6 Reasons for Men to Help Around the House).
  • Strong families that promote healthy attachments produce more tolerant people. In fact, one study found that simply priming someone with the name of a person with whom they had a strong attachment led to more tolerant and generous behavior toward a long-standing enemy (Hot Sauce vs. the Power of Relationship).

I think you get the idea. Elevating healthy families and marriages can lead to greater health, more financial stability and less poverty, greater tolerance and acceptance of others, less teen pregnancy, less drug abuse, less abortion, stronger women…. It may not fix all the problems tomorrow. But, it is a great start. Any investment in family is ultimately an investment in our community and our nation. Elevate the family and marriage. It truly is a modest proposal with revolutionary consequences. An amazing aspect of this proposal: you can become engaged in the change right where you stand; and, you can become involved today! So, write your congressman. March in the protests. Vote your values. But, in the process don’t forget to LOVE your spouse. NURTURE your children. ENJOY your extended family. SUPPORT your neighbors’ family and marriage. ENCOURAGE those thinking of marriage to take a premarital class. Read a book to strengthen your own marriage and parenting skills. ELEVATE FAMILY!

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Parenting Advice from Ann Landers

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I ran across this short letter from Ann Landers on parenting. I decided to just copy it in its entirety. A lot of wisdom for parents in these “12 Golden Rules!”

Dear Ann Landers: Several years ago, you printed Twelve Rules for Raising Children. I carried the column in my wallet until it became so dog-eared and yellowed with age that it is no longer legible. Please print it again, Ann. It’s worth a repeat. – A San Antonio Mother

Dear Mother: Here it is. Thanks for asking.

  1. Remember that a child is a gift from God, the richest of all blessings. Do not attempt to mold him in the image of yourself, your father, your brother or your neighbor. Each child is an individual and should be permitted to be himself.
  2. Don’t crush a child’s spirit when he fails. And never compare him with others who have outshone him.
  3. Remember that anger and hostility are natural emotions. Help your child to find socially acceptable outlets for these normal feelings or they may be turned inward and erupt in the form of physical or mental illness.
  4. Discipline your child with firmness and reason. Don’t let your anger throw you off balance. If he knows you are fair, you will not lose his respect or his love. And make sure the punishment fits the crime. Even the youngest child has a keen sense of justice.
  5. Remember that each child needs two parents. Present a united front. Never join with your child against your mate. This can create in your child (as well as in yourself) emotional conflicts. It can also create feelings of guilt, confusion and insecurity.
  6. Do not hand your child everything his little heart desires. Permit him to know the thrill of earning and the joy of achieving. Grant him the greatest of all satisfactions, the pleasure that comes with personal accomplishment.
  7. Do not set yourself up as the epitome of perfection. This is a difficult role to play 24 hours a day. You will find it easier to communicate with your child if you let him know that Mom and Dad can err too.
  8. Don’t make threats in anger or impossible promises when you are in a generous mood. Threaten or promise only that which you can live up to. To a child, a parent’s word means everything. The child who has lost faith in his parents has difficulty believing in anything.
  9. Do not smother your child with superficial manifestations of “love.” The purest and healthiest love expresses itself in day-in, day-out training, which breeds self-confidence and independence.
  10. Teach your child there is dignity in hard work, whether it is performed with callused hands that shovel coal or skilled fingers that manipulate surgical instruments. Let him know a useful life is a blessed one and a life of ease and pleasure-seeking is empty and meaningless.
  11. Do not try to protect your child against every small blow and disappointment. Adversity strengthens character and makes us compassionate. Trouble is the great equalizer. Let him learn it.
  12. Teach your child to love God and to love his fellow men. Don’t send your child to a place of worship, take him there. Children learn from example. Telling him something is not teaching him. If you give your child a deep and abiding faith in God, it can be his strength and his light when all else fails.

———-

Excerpted from Ann Landers’ new book “Wake Up and Smell the Coffee,” published by Villard and available in bookstores everywhere. Copied from the Chicago Tribune, 8/28/96.

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Do Your Child a Favor: LOVE Mistakes

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One-hundred-twenty-three children played this video game, all 7-years-old.  No, it’s not the start of a bad joke. It’s the start of an interesting study about learning. Anyway, the children played a fast-paced game in which each player helped a zoo-keeper capture escaped animals by pressing the space bar when an animal appeared UNLESS…(there is always an “unless,” an exception) a group of three “orangutan friends” appeared. These “orangutan friends” were helping capture the other animals. They were “allies,” so the player had to refrain from capturing them. Although the children had fun playing the video game, the real purpose of the game was to test accuracy and impulse control (not pushing the space bar when the three “orangutan friends” appeared). One more thing you need to know—the whole time the 7-year-olds played, researchers monitored their brain activity. In particular, they wanted to know what happened in the brain when a child makes a mistake.

They discovered that some children exhibited a significant increase in brain activity about half-a-second after making a mistake, indicating their awareness of the mistake and their attention to what went wrong. These children exhibited improvement in their performance after making a mistake.

Another group of children did not exhibit this significant change in brain activity when they made a mistake. They seemed to “gloss over” the mistake and mentally avoid acknowledging it. Their performance did not improve. They continued to play and make the same mistakes over again.

Of course, the implication of these results seems obvious: when we pay attention to our mistakes we learn from them and improve our future performance. So why do so many children not pay attention to mistakes? Perhaps they have never learned the importance of acknowledging and learning from mistakes. As a parent, you can help remedy this situation and increase your children’s ability to learn by loving mistakes!

  1. Love your own mistakes. When you make a mistake, acknowledge it. No need to get defensive or angry. Simply acknowledge the mistake. Attend to that mistake and figure out how you can avoid it in the future. In other words, learn from your mistake. Talk to your children about mistakes you have made, what you learned from those mistakes, and how you corrected it. Modeling this type of response to mistakes will create an environment in which your children are free to do the same.
  2. Love your children’s mistakes. When you children make a mistake, address it calmly and directly. Don’t belittle them for the mistake, but don’t gloss over it either. Don’t shy away from the mistake with a simply, “It’s OK, you’ll do better next time.” Address the mistake. “You made a mistake. Mistakes happen. Let’s figure out where you went wrong and how we can fix it.” The opportunity to figure the mistake out opens the door for improvement. So explore the mistake. Talk about the mistake and what might fix it. Then enjoy the solution.

When we love our mistakes children will learn to accept mistakes as a learning opportunity. They will delve into challenges with little fear of mistakes or failure because they know mistakes lead to growth. They will pay attention to their mistakes and improve the next time; and, as a result, they will enjoy greater confidence in the present and success in the future.

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Are You Naked and Unafraid?

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Healthy marriages provide an opportunity for us to return to the Garden of Eden and stand like Adam and Eve: naked and unafraid. I don’t mean just physically naked. I mean completely open and exposed to our partner—emotional, spiritually, and mentally naked before our partner and still unafraid. That is a vulnerable position; but, in a completely healthy marriage, we can stand before one another in this vulnerable open state and remain completely unafraid. This type of open relationship begins with a very important ingredient: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Radical acceptance stands in direct opposition to conditional acceptance. Radical acceptance communicates a complete willingness to love our spouse no matter what. Imagine with me what can happen if we add just a small condition to our willingness to accept our spouse.

  1. This one condition raises doubt in our spouse’s mind. They will no longer feel completely safe to tell all and show all. A little bit of fear will enter the relationship—the fear that “I might do something to make my spouse love me less or even reject me.”
  2. Your spouse will no longer feel completely secure in their relationship to you. Feelings of insecurity will arise.
  3. Rather than risk rejection, your spouse will hide perceived faults and mistakes from you. After all, they don’t want to risk falling short of the conditions for acceptance. It becomes safer to keep faults and shortcomings secret.
  4. That secret grows into a wall of secrecy. The only way your spouse can keep you from discovering their faults is to create a wall of secrecy to hide behind. You will no longer get to see your spouse completely. You will see and experience only those parts they feel safe exposing.
  5. Your spouse will guard their heart. They will keep certain parts of themselves guarded, protected from possible rejection. There will be no full disclosure.
  6. You will sense this change. Trust will decrease. Your spouse’s trust will decrease for fear of rejection. Your trust will decrease due to suspicions of some secrets.

The only way to remedy this downward spiral is RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. Radical acceptance accepts our spouse warts and all. Radical acceptance continues to love in spite of mistakes. Radical acceptance loves in the face of shortcomings. And, radical acceptance opens the door for change. You and your spouse can invest more energy in growing and becoming better people when you no longer have to invest energy in building a wall of secrecy and guarding your heart. You and your spouse will also desire to spend more energy in pleasing one another when you know you will receive radical acceptance…even when you make a mistake. How can you practice radical acceptance?

  • See your spouse through the eyes of God. Realize they are God’s workmanship, designed for His purpose. Any non-acceptance of your spouse is a non-acceptance of God and His work of art. Focus on your spouse’s God-given strengths and abilities.
  • Keep open lines of communication. Speak the truth in love. When must deal with difficult issues (and you will), do so in love. Speak only about one concern at a time rather than generalizing and throwing in the kitchen sink. This will be easier to do when you resolve differences quickly and keep no record of wrongs. Share the concern without accusation and offer a way to resolve it as well.
  • Focus on what you admire about your spouse. Admire and bless. Show gratitude and speak words of encouragement…every day!

Radical acceptance is a gift of grace we give our spouses and our spouses give to us.  Radical acceptance is also a gift that keeps on giving. It gives a tremendous return of security, trust, and intimacy…the chance to stand before our spouse completely naked and completely unafraid!

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Make Date Night Spectacular

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Remember the movie Date Night (2010) with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey? It was a fun movie about a couple (Steve Carrell and Tina Fey) who went on a date to escape the bored routine of their life and spark up their romance. In their attempt to have a glamorous night out, they get mixed up in a case of mistaken identity that leads to danger and excitement. Disaster after disaster ensues but, in the end, they are closer than ever. (You’ll have to watch the movie to discover the danger, disaster, and humor of their life-changing date.)  Although I hope to never have a date like the one portrayed in this movie, I do enjoy a date night. Date night can help marriages stay strong and even grow stronger. In fact, the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia found that couples who date regularly have better communication, and more satisfying sexual relationship, and greater commitment than those who do not date regularly. Another study using data from the Millennium Cohort Study in the UK found that couples who had one date night per month were less likely to divorce and had greater marital stability than those who did not date. A date night with your spouse has many positive benefits.

  1. Date nights with your spouse reinforce the importance of your relationship. Taking time to have a date night communicates how much you value your marriage and your spouse.
  2. Date nights with your spouse are an investment in your marriage’s well-being. We invest time and effort into what we value. Date nights demand we invest effort into planning and enjoying our spouse. They require an investment of the time we spend during the date—an investment of setting aside the busy-ness of the day, the demands of work and family, and the everyday worries we harbor so we can enjoy the time invested in our spouses. The investment may sound steep, but the dividends are great—a more satisfying sexual relationship, a happier home, greater intimacy, and more.
  3. Date nights with your spouse represent a public statement of your commitment to one another and your marriage. People see you with your spouse. They witness your commitment. They recognize you as a couple and come to think of you together.

So, if you want a stronger, happier marriage, enjoy date nights with your spouse. To help you enjoy your date nights and make them memorable, remember these 4 tips.

  • Plan ahead and anticipate. Begin talking about your date night ahead of time. Let anticipation build as you look forward to your night together. Even if you plan a “surprise date,” drop some hints and make some allusions about the plan to help build anticipation.
  • Treat the date night special. Date night is no ordinary night. Get dressed up for your spouse. Fix your hair up. Get a clean shave or trim the beard. Treat your spouse special during the date as well. Open doors. Compliment. Hold hands and walk slowly from the car to the date destination. Take your time and make the night special.
  • Minimize distractions. Turn your phone on silent and hide it in your pocket. Better yet, turn it off and leave it at home. Let the kids know you’re on a date and “Do Not Disturb.” Couples dated for years and left their children in the care of babysitters when they were no cell phones. They “hired” trusted babysitters to manage any situation that arose. Do the same today…and enjoy a quiet date night with your spouse.
  • Keep conversation fun. Avoid making your date night a planning session. Do not let the conversation become child-focused. Instead, let your spouse become the focus. Enjoy pondering hopes and dreams. Dream about trips and activities you could enjoy in the future. Keep the date conversation fun. Avoid touchy subjects that might lead to stressful discussions. Remember, it’s date night. Talk about topics that will entice and excite your spouse, topics that make your spouse laugh, topics that endear you to one another.

Now get out there and have a date night. Not just any date night but a spectacular date night…a joyous, intimacy building night together!

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When Your Children Get Angry

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All kids get angry. I hate to say it, but it’s true. No matter how hard you try, your children will get angry. It can feel frightening and overwhelming when your children have an angry outburst. But, anger is not all bad. Anger is an emotion and all emotions have a purpose. When our children get angry, the goal is not to get rid of the anger but to learn how to manage the anger, to use the anger for growth. That end may include reaching a goal, solving a problem, or advocating for justice. How can a parent do this in the moment of their children’s anger? These tips might help.

  1. Accept and acknowledge your children’s anger. Anger is typically triggered by something. But it often continues when the angry person does not feel heard. The first tip in helping turn your children’s anger into an opportunity for growth is to make them feel heard by acknowledging their anger. You can do this by narrating the situation. Narrate how you perceive their anger, what physical manifestations you see of their anger, and what might have triggered their anger.
  1. As you acknowledge your children’s anger, take the time to label their emotion as well. Label their anger. Give it a nuanced definition to fit the situation—frustrated, angry, resentful, annoyed, irritated, furious, or impatient, whatever fits the situation. Labeling an emotion expands your children’s emotional vocabulary. Having a good emotional vocabulary will help your children manage their emotions independently in the future.
  1. The goal in steps #1 and #2 is to defuse the anger. You may have to set some boundaries around behavior at the same time. Do not try to stop the anger. Simple set boundaries on how to act on the anger. For instance, “You can be angry at me, but you cannot hit me in your anger.”  Of course these types of boundaries only need to be spoken at this time if your children are crossing them in their anger.
  1. Problems are not solved in the heat of anger, so help your children calm. Take time to soothe them. In doing so, you are teaching them to soothe themselves. You are helping them build the neural connections necessary to soothe independently. Take a break. Let all those involved go to their “neutral corners.” It may take 20-30 minutes of focusing on a topic other than the topic that led to anger in order to calm down.
  1. As your children calm, begin to problem solve with them. Explore what triggered their anger, not just the situation that triggered their anger but what priority the situation represents as well. Did your children feel disrespected or taken advantage of? Did they believe someone took something that belonged to them, something material or personal? This may take some time as their anger may result from any number of priorities. After you discover the priority, explore ways to meet that priority and resolve their anger. Going through this process helps your children learn how to do it. Eventually, they will do it on their own.
  1. Finally, prepare for the next time. Consider a future situation and practice the solution discussed in step #5 in your mind’s eye. You can also role play a future situation and try out the solution. Make this practice fun.

These 6 steps can change the way your children respond to anger over time. Each time you go through this process with your children you move one step closer to them doing it all on their own.

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Old School Time to Nurture Your Marriage

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I hardly remember the day (even though it was not so long ago) when we had no cell phones or even pagers. Remember what it was like to have only one phone in the house…and that one attached to the wall? What did married couples do to stay in touch? How did married couples know what their spouse was doing? Well, they sat down at some point during the day to talk! They sat near one another and carried on a conversation. Eye contact was prevalent, even expected. An awareness of facial expression and nuance of speech (like cadence, pace, and volume) added to the meaning of the words spoken. Each partner listened with eyes and ears as they discussed the stresses and joys of the day, plans for the week, hopes for the future, and an appreciation for one another.

The listening spouse learned about the speaking spouse while observing the body language, hearing the vocal inflections, and striving to understand the words spoken. The speaking spouse felt valued and loved as they listening spouse listened intently and responded with understanding and love.

That’s old school quality time at its best. That’s the kind of old school talk that nurtured deeper intimacy and a stronger marriage. Maybe we can take a lesson and put a little old school face-to-face interactions into our marriages from time to time.

You might ask, “What’s the big deal? Why not just send the message in a text?” You can do that; but, according to research, cell phones tend to decrease intimacy during conversation. In fact, just having a cell phone visible limits intimacy. Researchers from the University of Essex discovered this when they placed couples (not married) in a room with comfortable chairs to enjoy a conversation. A coffee table with a book on it sat next to the chairs. For half the pairs, a random cell phone was placed on the book in plain view. For the other half, no cell phone was in the room. A survey following the conversation revealed that the pairs who conversed in the room with a visible cell phone reported a different kind of experience than those who had no cell phone in the room. Specifically, those with a random cell phone sitting in plain sight reported significantly less relationship quality, partner trust, and partner empathy. In other words, just having a cell phone visible to the couple reduced intimacy. Conversation was stilted for fear of the outside world buzzing in and interrupting the conversation.

There is a way to avoid this intrusion, a way to put a boundary around your conversation and keep some of the outside world out.  Go old school! Turn the cell phone off and put it in another room. Sit down with your spouse, look one another in the eye, and enjoy a conversation filled with verbal inflection, facial expression, and body language. Go ahead. Give it a try. You will celebrate the intimacy of old school quality time.

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7 Lessons to Strengthen Our Daughters

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Our daughters hear all the mixed messages society shouts out about femininity and the role of women. What they ultimately believe will be greatly influenced by their family. Even more, I believe fathers have a great responsibility to influence their daughter’s perception of what it means to be female and how to express their femininity in the world. The whole family needs to teach our daughters crucial lessons to clarify the mixed messages of society. Here are 7 lessons I think our daughters need to learn. 

  • Remember Eleanor Roosevelt’s words: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Even so, associate with friends who encourage and support you. Stay calm, state your point, and walk away from those who demean and belittle you. No need to throw your pearls before swine, they might just turn and try to trample you.”
  • Be mindful of what you communicate through your dress. I realize that others need not profile you based on your dress; but, let’s face it, they do. Whether you are male or female, people make assumptions about you based on your manner of dress. As they get to know you and your character those assumptions may change; but the initial impression can impact the chance of developing a relationship. So, let your true beauty be the inner beauty of a character—kindness, compassion, and morality—not the outward beauty that fades with time.
  • Look beyond the gossip. Be gracious and kind. When others gossip, you encourage. When others slander, you bless. When others demean, you show kindness. People are drawn to those who rise above the drama of backbiting and slander to engage others in ways that reveal respect and honor.
  • Recognize the power of your influence. Strength and influence flow from character, not smack talk, covert glances, or verbal assassinations. Let your inner strength of character shine forth in a power that reveals beauty, lights the way, and pushes the darkness of this world away.
  • Learn to be self-sufficient but never sacrifice your empathetic, nurturing, maternal role. Society desperately needs the keen sense of community, nurturing love, and relational justice unique to you as a woman…which brings me to the next lesson I believe important.
  • Great power lies in your femininity. As Michael Gurian notes, a woman is mother to her nuclear family, her extended family, and her community family. As such, you have great influence on your community and the future. Wield that influence wisely. Embrace your femininity and actively share it, not only with family but with the community at large.
  • Choose your spouse wisely. You are worthy of honor. You were made to be cherished. Choose a mate who will honor and cherish you. Whether male or female, a healthy marriage will increase your confidence, add to your happiness, and nurture your contentment and peace. A happy marriage makes us all better people. A healthy, intimate marriage brings heaven into your home.

Families desperately need to teach our daughters a strong message about the role of females in the world and the power of femininity. These seven lessons provide a starting point. What do you think our daughters need to learn?

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