Tag Archive for trust

The Benefit of Inaccurate Information

Posted on by Leave a comment

We seem to live in days filled with misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. I find it frustrating and disappointing. Worse, I find it somewhat frightening for our children. But…then again… inaccurate information does offer our children benefits IF—and only IF—we develop and nurture a secure, stable, trusting relationship with them.

When children have a secure relationship with a reliable and trustworthy parent, they exhibit a greater ability to weigh the veracity of information they receive. They also show an improved ability to assess the reliability of the person sharing the information. Moreover, they tend to act on the intent of the information giver, not just the content they receive.

This is important for parents. After all there will be times in which we give our children inaccurate information. It may happen based on our own misunderstanding of the information or of the question asked. It can occur when we are tired. It may happen because we simply don’t know and thought we did. But it will happen. Truth be told (and I hate to admit this) even parents don’t know everything. As a result, we will share inaccurate information with our children at times. (For more, read The Perfectly Inadequate Parent.) But here’s one of the beautiful aspects of developing and nurturing a secure relationship with our children, one built on trust and reliability. When we make a mistake and share inaccurate information, they will recognize our intent to share accurate information. They will remember our character and integrity. Most importantly, they will act on our intent and our character, not the inaccurate information. They will correct any inaccurate or incomplete information we might have accidentally shared. (See An Amazing Parenting Insight Learned in Three Parts.) They will correct our inaccuracies and continue to love us, respect us, trust us, and turn to us.

Another benefit of inaccurate or misleading information involves strangers. When our children have a secure relationship with us, hearing inaccurate information helps them learn how to assess the reliability of a person and the extent to which they can trust that person. In other words, based in a secure relationship with a parent, inaccurate information helps our children learn discernment. That discernment will protect them from people who might try to take advantage of them through the dissemination of inaccurate information. It will protect them in this age of misinformation, disinformation, and conspiracy. In this way, inaccurate information can benefit our children…but only if they have a secure relationship with a trusted and dependable parent. Start building and nurturing that relationship with your child today. It will help them develop the discernment they need for a lifetime.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Grace tagged with , , ,

The Cycle of Communication & Trust

Posted on by Leave a comment

Relationships are built on trust and trust is built upon self-revealing communications. On the other hand, meaningful communication requires trust and trust is nurtured by meaningful communication. Trust, however, doesn’t just happen. It needs to be refined. It requires testing. In fact, a wise person tests the water of trust before diving in with deeper, more vulnerable communication. Even in marriages and families, trust is continually tested. In fact, communication and trust form a cycle of increasing or decreasing trust. Let me give an example.

My wife walks in the room and sighs, “What a day.”  With that simple statement, she has “put a toe in the water” of trust. Is it warm or cold? Can she trust me to listen or not?

If I continue staring at my computer screen and say, “Well, what’s for supper?” I have shown the water cold. She cannot trust me to listen or to make myself available to her. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust diminishes. Communication becomes less frequent and more shallow. As communication decreases, so does trust. And the cycle continues.

However, if I respond by looking up from my computer screen and say, “Sounds like a long day. What happened?” I have shown the water of trust to be warm. I have opened the door to communication. My wife feels more trust and delves in a little more. She begins to tell me about her day.  As I respond with interest and concern, matching her mood with empathy and understanding, her level of trust continues to grow. Feeling safer, she reveals more of herself and her heart. I learn more about her as she trusts me to reveal not just the events of the day but her emotions and concerns as well. If this scenario occurs more often than not, trust grows. Communication increases and deepens. As communication deepens, so does trust.

Responding with interest and empathy creates a beautiful cycle in which trust invites deeper communication. Deeper communication leads to greater trust, which invites the communication of deeper disclosures that lead to greater intimacy.  This beautiful cycle of trust and communication ultimately leads to greater joy, deeper intimacy, and greater security for both partners.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , , ,

Let Them Take a Risk

Posted on by Leave a comment

Teens love the thrill of taking risks. They seek experiences that will stimulate their senses, emotions, and thinking. This desire stems from brain changes that produce changes in the reward system of the brain. We often look at this “novelty seeking behavior” (AKA, risk taking) as a problem that puts our teens in danger. However, this behavior also holds many positive possibilities and opportunities. For instance, taking risks help our teens learn new things. It prepares them to leave home and begin life on their own. It helps them gain confidence. Ironically, it also helps them develop the motivation necessary to “take on” other challenging and beneficial tasks in life. So, if you want to have a motivated teen who is moving toward responsible independence, let them take a risk to grow on.

  • Don’t make “no” your go to answer. Constant “no’s” may either push your teen into rebellion or it may discourage them and rob them of motivation. Before you say “no,” get curious. Ask a few questions. Find out more about their ideas and what they want to accomplish. As you explore their ideas and desires, you might find they’ve already considered several risk factors. You can help them think through other potentially dangerous aspects of their ideas. In addition, you stimulate them to think about creative opportunities to move toward their goals through various adventures. Still, there will be some risk. (When you have to say “no,” consider this.) Even starting to drive carries risk. We, as parents, need to trust our teens to moderate their risk on their own and…
  • Provide them with “training wheels” when necessary. Children and teens learn to trust their abilities, their bodies, and their knowledge along with the limits of each by engaging in activities and behaviors that present a challenge and, as a result, present some risk. As they engage in these activities, there may be times when you can provide “training wheels.”  For instance, “Cinderella laws” around driving function as “training wheels” to help prevent accidents for young drivers. Providing the necessary safety equipment—i.e.-bike helmets, pads for sports, a safety class—for their activities also provides safety education and “training wheels.” Teach them to use “toys,” tools, and equipment safely. You might even know another adult who can function as mentor for them in that activity. Provide some supervision without taking over. Doing so will help them build balance in that activity and minimize the risk.
  • Let them make mistakes. Mistakes and “failures” are opportunities to gain experience, learn, and grow. But, if we step in and “protect” them from the consequences of their mistakes, we rob them of the opportunity to gain experience. So, let them fail while providing a “soft place” of empathy and care on which they can land when the inevitable failures occur. A place of empathy and curiosity (rather than judgment and shame) will allow them to reflect upon the mistake and what they can learn from it.
  • Trust them to learn and grow. Children and teens learn from their mistakes. Get to know your children and teens. Learn about their strengths and interests. Learn about their potential areas of weakness. Observe how their strengths have matured and how they have utilized their strengths to compensate for various weaknesses. Recognize how some weaknesses have actually become strengths through repetition and practice. Doing so will help you trust your teen to learn and grow.

Teens love to take a risk and it’s a good thing they do. Taking reasonable risks help them to grow and become independent adults with interests and passions. Encourage those risks and watch them blossom.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Honor tagged with , , , ,

6 Questions You Didn’t Know Your Children Were Asking

Posted on by Leave a comment

Our children have questions that only we, their parents, can answer…and we need to answer them. They don’t ask these questions directly and they may not even realize they ask them at all. But they do. They ask these questions with their quiet presence and their disruptive presence. They ask them while waiting for us to notice and acknowledge them. They also ask these questions in the form of more subtle, seemingly benign questions like, “Do you like my new hair color?” or “Can we get dessert?” They even ask them with their misbehaviors. Let me share just 6 of the real questions our children are asking in these behaviors, 6 questions they need us to answer.

  1. Am I important? When our children know we value them, they feel valuable. We communicate how much we value our children by accepting them, listening to them, and taking time to learn about their world. We also express how much we value our children through gratitude. Become a student of your children. Spend time with them. Communicate how important they truly are to you.
  2. Am I good enough? In fact, am I enough? This question is a question of identity. Our children need to know we that know them and recognize their worth, even when they feel like they’ve failed. This requires us to give them space and assistance, support and encouragement, in exploring their strengths and interests. Our children also need to know they are good enough even when we discipline them. To communicate this message, we need to give them unconditional positive regard, even when we disagree with them or discipline them.
  3. Do I belong? As our children turn to teens, friends become increasingly important. Still, they need and want family. They need to have a sense of belonging in their family even while they explore and establish a sense of belonging among their peers. This is a tightrope for many families. Let your children try new things. Encourage then to recognize how various groups of people impact them and their behavior. Help them find the peer group in which they feel most comfortable, whether it be the theatre group, the music group, the sports group, the academic group, or some combination of them all. At the same time, always communicate that they will belong in your family no matter the peer group they choose.
  4. Am I romantic enough? I’m not sure this represents the best way to word this question. It’s a question delving into attraction, romance, and intimacy. Teach your children from an early age that romance entails mutual kindness and respect. Teach them that physical and emotional intimacy cannot be separated without resulting pain. Teach them that restraint and self-control are as important as sex; and, without self-control, sex leads to emotional hurt. “Ultimately, encourage them to wait and wait and then wait a little longer. Waiting for sex is based on good science” (From Raising Healthy Girls). (See Cheat Codes” for Dads: Your Daughter’s Beauty for more.)
  5. Do you trust me? The answer we give our children to this question begins much earlier than most of us imagine. It begins as early as those toddler years when our toddler says, “No” to our assistance and we step back, trusting them to work at completing the task. It extends into the school years when we put a reasonable structure in place and trust they will complete their schoolwork. They continue this question into adolescence when they ask us if they can “go to my friend’s party” or ” use the car tonight.”  Trusting demands a step of faith on our part. Take the step. Trust unless given a clear reason not to. Even then, leave the door open to reestablish trust by taking a step of faith. Remember, a child who feels their parent trusts them is more likely to act in a trustworthy manner.
  6. Am I strong enough to be my own person? The most difficult aspect of a parent’s job is to prepare their children to become independent adults, to let them leave home and become their own person. This goal is the end result of a process that evolves over their first two decades of life. It is the result of a parent teaching their child a task and then letting them do it independently, even if they want to do it differently than us. It is the result of letting go when they go to preschool, letting go when they go on their first dates, letting go when they drive to the mall on their own for the first time…all while remaining available in the background as a safety net, ready to respond to their call for help IF they need it.

Our children ask these questions every day. We answer them through our words, our actions, and our interactions. For your children’s sake, answer them wisely.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , , , ,

Put on Your C.A.P.P. to Build Trust in Marriage (or, Kindness in the Prison of Mistrust)

Posted on by Leave a comment

I recently asked a couple what daily acts of kindness they could share with one another. Sadly, they could not think of any. After a few minutes of silent thought, one of them said, “It’s hard to think of kind things to do when you don’t trust the other person.”

That is sad, but true.  A lack of trust in our spouse locks our marriage in a prison of insecurities. It binds us behind bars of despair and shackles us with the fear that our vulnerable offers of kindness will be rejected or, worse, used to manipulate us.

Lack of trust also blinds us to any kind acts our spouse does share. It causes us to misperceive those acts of kindness as an attempt to exploit us.

If you find your marriage in a prison of mistrust, how can you begin to build trust? Try the CAPP method.

  • Commit to building trust in your relationship. Trust grows through small daily moments of connection with your spouse. Commit to looking for and initiating those moments. Trust grows when we follow through on our word so commit to following through.  Show yourself
    trustworthy in making daily connections and in keeping your word.
  • Admire and appreciate your spouse. Resentment or anger may have blinded you to those things you admire in your spouse. In this case, you will need to expand your view of your spouse beyond your resentment by intentionally looking for those things you can admire and appreciate in them. A lack of trust may also keep you from voicing what you appreciate. It will demand courage to risk voicing your admiration and appreciation. Commit to diligently searching for those things you truly admire and appreciate about your spouse. Every day, courageously express genuine admiration and appreciation to them.
  • Practice small positive moments. We already noted that trust is built on small, daily moments of connection. Practice making those connections. Practice doing kind things for your spouse—things like washing their dish, getting them a drink, offering a compliment, opening a door. Practice noticing when your spouse does a kind deed for you and practice thanking them for that kindness.
  • Prove your devotion. Let your spouse know you “got their back.” Don’t laugh at your spouse’s expense. Encourage them instead.  Take your spouse’s side. Even if you disagree, don’t disagree in public. Instead, talk in private and search for an intent or motive with which you do agree. Start with the agreement. You and your spouse are a team. Don’t let anyone or anything come between you. Prove your devotion.

These four actions will begin to build trust as you practice them over time. As trust grows, kindness will become easier to share. As kindness to shared more often, trust will grow. (For more on building trust read Building Trust in Family Relationships.)

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , ,

5 Surprising Ways Children Learn Self-Control

Posted on by One comment

Self-control is a skill that will serve our children well for a lifetime. In fact, the classic “Marshmallow Experiment” suggested that preschoolers who had enough self-control to delay gratification and wait for a bigger reward had higher SAT scores as late teens. They were also more likely to be described as positive, self-motivated, self-confident, and persistent at the end of high school. We all want that for our children, right?  So how can we teach our children self-control? There are many ways to teach our children self-control, but I want to share five somewhat surprising ways to promote self-control in our children.

  • Model self-control. I know that doesn’t sound so surprising. In fact, it’s rather obvious. It’s so obvious we probably need a little motivation to do it…AND that brings me to the surprising part of modeling self-control. A study that followed almost 1,000 people from the age of 3-years to 45-years found that children who exhibited a higher level of self-control walked faster, had younger looking faces, and had healthier bodies when they became adults! In other words, practicing self-control not only teaches our children a great life skill, it also helps us look and feel younger. Want to look and feel younger? Practice self-control and model it for our children.
  • Encourage your child to talk to themselves. One study found that saying the name of an object while looking for it made the person better able to find the object than simply thinking about it. (I have tested this one and it works for me.) Another study suggested that talking to oneself about a task increases that person’s ability to restrain impulses (AKA, practice self-control). Encouraging your child to talk to themselves as they engage in an activity can also help them restrain impulses and remain focused. This also means that yelling at our children may interfere with their self-control. Why? Because our yelling will compete with their own self talk. Our loud words will silence their self-talk and interfere with their self-control, leaving them open to more impulsive behaviors. Stop yelling at your children and encourage them to talk to themselves.
  • Give your children time to play with their father. According to a review of 78 studies, children who played with their fathers had more self-control as they matured. Fathers tend to engage in “rough and tumble play” which helped their children learn to better regulate their feelings and behaviors. Overall, children who played more with their fathers exhibited better emotional and behavioral regulations as well a lower risk of hyperactivity. Dads, teach your children self-control. Play with them.
  • Teach your child to practice gratitude every day.  Research suggest that daily gratitude increases self-control and reduces impulsive behaviors.
  • Keep your promises and prove yourself reliable. A study published in 2013 repeated the marshmallow study with a variation. In this study, the children either experienced an adult who followed through on his promise or one who did not. Then the children were presented with the opportunity to wait with one marshmallow to get a second one or simple eat the one marshmallow. Those who had previously experienced a reliable adult practiced more self-control. They were better able to wait for the second marshmallow. Keeping your promises to your children helps them learn and practice self-control.

Practicing these five surprising tips will help your children develop self-control. And that self-control will benefit them for a lifetime. Isn’t that a great gift to give your children?

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , , ,

The “Benevolent Lie” that Destroys Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

Obviously, lying to your spouse damages your marriage. It destroys trust. It drives a wedge of secrecy between you and your spouse. But, what about a “benevolent lie”? You know, those little lies that hide your need from our spouses. After all, we don’t want to burden our spouse with our needs. We don’t want them to worry about our concerns. We don’t want them to see us as “too needy” or weak. So, we withhold our suffering, our pain, our need for emotional support or physical help with a little “benevolent lie.” Unfortunately, this “benevolent lie” will also destroy your relationship. Let me explain.

First, our spouse very likely recognizes our struggle, but they don’t know what it is. If we do not share the details of our struggle or our need, our spouse does not have to “guess what’s bothering us.” They will begin to make assumptions about what our need might be…and you know that they say happens when we “ass-u-me.”

Second, we enhance trust when we become vulnerable enough to express our need and then accept our spouse’s help. By doing so, we offer them the opportunity to know us more deeply, which builds trust.

Third, a strong marriage involves interdependency and mutual support. How can we develop greater interdependency if we do not express our need for support? Expressing our needs, on the other hand, opens the door for greater interdependency and support.

Fourth, by expressing our needs, we make it possible for us to meet the need, fix the problem, and work on a solution together.

Finally, expressing our need allows our spouse to love us by supporting us through our needs.

Do not let the “benevolent lie” interfere with your marriage. Instead, express your emotional needs to your spouse. Doing so will help you build a stronger, healthier marriage in the long run.

Posted in Grace, Honor tagged with , , ,

Sure, Children Lie…But Parents?

Posted on by Leave a comment

It’s true. Children lie. But parents? A collaborative effort of four universities from four different countries (Singapore, Canada, US, and China) conducted a study exploring the impact of parental lies…so they must have known parents lie. I had to ask myself…what kind of lies might parents tell their children? As soon as I asked, I began to recall some lies I have heard parents tell their children. “Tell them I’m not home.” “If you don’t behave, I’ll call the police.” “Tell them I’m sick and we’ll go to the park.” “I’m too tired to play” (while working on a home project). “You aren’t tired.”

Yes, parents lie sometimes. But, when parents lie, it seems to carry dire consequences. Which brings me back to the collaborative study exploring the impact of parental lies. The clinicians involved in the study found that lying led to short-term compliance but long-term problems. Sure, the little white lie got the children to behave in the moment, but it led to negative consequences as the children grew up.  Specifically, the more a person reported being lied to as a child, the more likely they lied to their parents as they got older. They also reported greater difficulty managing various psychological and social challenges. They exhibited more disruptive behavior, conduct problems, selfish behaviors, and manipulative behaviors. They reported feeling guilt and shame more often as well.

With so many behavioral, social, and emotional challenges arising in our children from parental lies, you might want to try an alternative.

  • Acknowledge your children’s feelings and your own feelings rather than dismissing them with a lie. (“You can’t be tired.” “You have no reason to be upset.” “I’m not angry!!”) Let your children know it is ok to have various feelings. Then teach them how to respond to those feelings in an appropriate manner.
  • Give your children information. Rather than lie, explain…truthfully. Our children can learn from the truth.
  • Offer choices. No need to lie and tell them the green shirt with the hole in it is dirty when in truth you simply do not want them to wear a shirt with  hole in it. Give them the information. Explain why you do not want them to wear it. Then offer them a choice of other clothes they can wear.

How else might you avoid telling your children lies?

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , ,

A Roadmap to Rebuild Trust With Your Teen

Posted on by Leave a comment

Let’s face it. Teens do some crazy things at times. I did some stupid things as a teen. You probably did too. And, our teens probably will as well. They may do one thing we never thought in a million years they would do; and, in so doing, break our trust. It may be simple, like staying out past their curfew. Or, it may be more serious, like getting caught with drugs or sending a revealing picture to the “new love of their life” (or convincing their “new love” to send the picture). Whatever it is, big or small, it shatters the trust we once had for our sweet, innocent child. We discipline and work to assure the behavior won’t happen again. But how do we rebuild the trust we once had? How do we begin to trust our teen again?

  • Be open with your teen. Explain your feelings to your teen. Let them know their behavior hurt you. You may have sounded angry, but underneath the anger was hurt and disappointment. Explain your desire to trust them again and your continued love for them. Let them know you recognize their potential and believe in their ability to reach that potential. Recall times in which your teen has acted in ways that built trust and increased your pride in them. Let them know you still remember those positive behaviors as well.
  • Develop a balanced view of your teen. Recall the positive things your teen has done and said that give you a sense of joy and pride in order to balance any feelings of disappointment and hurt you may have experienced. Remember, you have also done wonderful things and things of which you are not proud. Allow your teen the same freedom.
  • Deal with your feelings. You have talked to your teen, now deal with your own emotions. They are your feelings and your responsibility. Don’t let your emotions interfere with your changing relationship with your teen. Resolve them. 
  • Clarify boundaries and expectations…but be careful as you do. Do not set up unrealistic expectations in a knee-jerk reaction to the behavior that broke your trust. Be reasonable. Discuss limits and boundaries with another adult to get a more objective viewpoint. Discuss them with your teen as well. Work to reach an agreement on what constitutes reasonable expectations for your home and family.
  • Develop a clear roadmap for regaining trust and watch your teen’s journey on that road to redemption. When your teen meets an expectation or follows a rule, make a point to notice it and allow it to enhance your trust in them. Realize no teen is perfect, so allow for some  minor setbacks. A rule of thumb is to allow your teen 1 setback for 5-6 trust building actions you observe. Keep your eyes open for those trust building actions. Don’t let them slip by unnoticed.  
  • Take a risk. Parents have the tendency to hold their teen closer and micromanage their every activity after trust has been broken. Unfortunately, this only increases frustration. It leads to greater conflict and a further deterioration of trust. Rather than micromanage, allow your teen to engage in a “trial run.” Explain the “trial run” to your teen. “I am trusting you with this job or activity. When all goes well and they return, you will have nurtured trust. If you revert to the behavior that originally broke our trust, you will have further damaged our trust.”
  • Finally, talk about other stuff. Don’t continue repeating the conversation about your fears and their behavior. Find some areas of interest to talk about. If they enjoy music, talk about music. If they enjoy fishing, talk about fishing. Find areas in which you can enjoy conversation with your teen. Doing so will build relationship and trust.

These 7 actions are not simple. But they will help rebuild trust with your teen and deepen your relationship with them.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Grace tagged with , , ,

How Emotions Build or Destroy Trust in Your Family

Posted on by Leave a comment

We all want to have a home environment that allows us to trust one another. You know, a home in which spouses trust one another, siblings trust one another, children trust their parents, and parents trust their children. A home environment in which we can trust what someone says. We know they will not lie. They will follow through on what they have promised. We know they have the best interest of the family in mind. 

A trusting environment in our homes requires more than trustworthy individuals. It also requires our capacity to trust others. Interestingly, that’s not as simple as it sounds. For example, emotions impact our capacity to trust others. A recent study suggested that negative emotions like anger or frustration reduce our willingness to trust other people even when these negative emotions were elicited by events that did not even involve the person we struggle to trust. For instance, annoyance created by sitting in a traffic jam may reduce our capacity to trust other people in our lives.

That study aroused my curiosity, so I looked at another group of five studies. These studies revealed that:

  • Happy emotions increase our trust more than sadness or anger.
  • Only “experienced emotions” increased or decreased our trust of others. Thinking about an emotion did not impact our trust. But, dwelling on an incident that arouses happiness, sadness, or anger did. And, once again, happiness increased trust while sadness or anger decreased trust.
  • Gratitude also increased our capacity to trust others while pride, guilt, and anger reduced our capacity to trust others. And, those emotions that involve others (like anger and gratitude) had a greater impact on our levels of trust than emotions that were more personal (like pride or guilt).
  • If the cause of the negative or positive emotion is made known, it does not impact our capacity to trust the person we are currently with. For instance, if I am talking to a coworker after having experienced the annoyance of sitting in a traffic jam, I may have a reduced capacity to trust him. However, if one of us points out how annoyed I am about sitting in the traffic, the impact on my capacity to trust the other person disappears. I can now trust based solely on the current interaction.
  • Finally, the more familiar we are with a person, the less our emotions will impact our capacity to trust them. We are more likely to base our trust on past experiences with the person we know rather than any momentary emotion we might experience.

What does this have to do with families? We can apply several principles from these findings to increase levels of trust in our family.

  1. Focus on building relationships with each family member. When we have a relationship (when we are familiar with a person) our capacity to trust them is less affected by immediate emotions and based more on our long-term experience with them. Build a history of trustworthiness with your family. Follow through on your promises. Tell the truth. Act in accordance with the best interest of your family. The more our families know us, the less their immediate emotions will impact their capacity to trust us.
  2. Fill your home with positive emotions like gratitude, joy, and curiosity. Make it a practice to show gratitude daily. Become curious about each family members interests and likes. Encourage their interests and hobbies. Play. After all, positive emotions increase our capacity to trust. 
  3. When your spouse, child, or parent is upset, tired or angry, postpone any discussion and simply remain available to them. Set aside your own agenda and respond to their emotion. Offer support and encouragement. Doing so will allow them to work through the negative emotions they are feeling and preserve the trust you have in one another.
  4. When you or another family member experience a negative emotion, make it explicit. Label the emotion and identify the trigger of that emotion. By doing so you keep it from interfering with the trust in your immediate relationship and interaction.
  5. Finally, enjoy the trust you have nurtured and built in your family with the help of emotions!
Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , , ,
« Older Entries