Archive for Author John Salmon

The Choice

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I love my wife. She is the most amazing woman I know. Still, sometimes she drives me crazy. She does things that…well…just don’t make sense. Take the dishwasher for example. Watching her load the dishwasher almost hurts. I have to do it for the sake of getting it to full capacity. She has no sense of keeping the covers neat while we sleep either. She pulls them, pushes them over the edge, wrinkles them.

Right now, many of you are probably thinking, “I feel sorry for your wife.” Don’t worry. I drive her crazy sometimes too. (…even though I, like Mary Poppins, am “practically perfect in every way.” My wife just sighed and laughed as I typed that self-description. I “may” be exaggerating.) The dishwasher thing… she just laughs, shakes her head, and watches me load it. She thinks I’m crazy for how I cocoon in the covers. But here’s the point, the reason I bring it up. My wife and I share a deep love for one other and that love shapes how we respond to any “issues” that arise. 

In fact, when such “issues” arise (or even more significant concerns), married couples are faced with a choice. They can start to rant and rave. They can resort to criticism, contempt, and blame. Or they can let the viral warrior of kindness arise in our hearts.

I’ve heard many couples resort to criticism, contempt, and blame. I’m sure you have too.

  • “What’s wrong with you? You can’t do it that way.”
  • “You’re ridiculous. Get out of my way.”
  • “You can’t even wash clothes right. I have to do it to make sure it’s done right!”
  • “It’s your fault we can’t have friends over. You can’t even put your socks away.”
  • “I don’t know why I put up with you and your incompetence. You’re just like your….”
  • “What are you, stupid? Think about what you just said.”

The list of such comments can go on. You’ve heard them, I’m sure. However, in the moment of that critical, contemptuous, or blaming comment, love has been cast out the window. The armor of contempt with its weapons of criticism, disgust, hurt, and defensiveness, has been donned. Put on this armor and cast love out the window often enough and your marriage dies. A lack of kindness delivers death blow after death blow, slowing killing it. Sometimes it’s not even the words that we use but the tone with which we say them. Even seemingly neutral words given with a tone of sarcasm, condescension, or resentment communicate criticism and contempt. 

Love, on the other hand, gives voice to kindness in such situations. When your spouse does something that “drives you crazy,” love puts on the armor of kind words and kind actions. Kindness accepts different ways in which our spouses do things and view things. In fact, the viral warrior of kindness goes a step further and recognizes that our spouses’ way of doing things and viewing things is actually credible, possibly even better than our way!

The viral warrior of kindness also celebrates a job well-done rather than criticizing that it’s “not done to my standards.” Kindness recognizes that there may be multiple ways to complete a job, one as good as the next. The very fact that your spouse participates in “getting the work done” is an expression of love worthy of recognition by the viral warrior of kindness.  

As a result, the viral warrior of kindness compliments and expresses gratitude for everything our spouses do to make our home place of joy and peace.  In fact, kindness makes a point of seeking daily opportunities to express appreciation and admiration for their spouse and for what their spouse has done.

The next time you find yourself at odds with your spouse on how to load a dishwasher, fold a towel, squeeze the toothpaste, clean the bathroom, make a bed, or any other area of possible animosity, realize you have a choice: respond with kindness or not. Let me rephrase that: respond with love or not? After all, love is kind. Love employs the viral warrior of kindness.

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The Power to Change the World

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Kindness has the power to change the world and, just as important, kindness begins in your family. Sharing kindness with our spouse and children spurs them to spread kindness to those outside the home as well. It might just induce a ripple effect of kindness spreading through the community. Perhaps you don’t believe kindness can have this type of power. I too thought it sounded too good to be true. How could kindness, let alone kindness displayed simply within the family, have the power to save the whole world? But then I began to explore the possibility. Take a moment and consider some of what I discovered.

Family relationships are built upon small daily interactions. These interactions can be marked by kindness or not. Kind interactions communicate love and delight, adoration and appreciation for one another. This translates into relationships founded on trust, security, and safety—what researchers label as a secure attachment. In other words, daily acts of kindness help to build a secure and that secure attachment impacts how people navigate the world. In fact, researchers have found that prompting people to recall memories of healthy family relationships based on daily acts of kindness (a secure attachment), led them to treat others with greater kindness. Specifically,

  • They expressed fewer negative stereotypes about other people and voiced fewer negative emotions about other people. They also expressed less support for aggressive actions toward others.        
  • They reported less intense negative reactions to people outside “our group.”
  • Recalling memories of secure attachments eliminated the “effects of threat” to a person’s self-esteem posed by those with different views and increased the person’s willingness to interact with those outside “their group.”
  • It also lessened their negative response to people who posed a threat to their cultural worldview.
  • Recalling memories of healthy family relationships built on kindness (a secure attachment) led to an increased use of “self-transcendence values” like understanding, appreciation, tolerance, and protecting and enhancing the welfare of others.
  • It also provided a foundation for compassion and caregiving behaviors.
  • And, it contributed to reporting a greater willingness to engage in, and then actually engaging in, more selfless and prosocial behaviors.

These studies suggest that the small daily acts of kindness that contribute to a secure attachment can change the world. What are those small daily acts of kindness?

  • Showing delight in your family member. Greeting them with a smile reveals how glad you are to see them.
  • Expressing healthy affection for your spouse and children through loving words and affectionate touch.
  • Offering comfort during even minor times of stress and rejoicing together during times of celebration.
  • Encouraging your spouse and children to pursue their interests and explorations of the world. This may involve supporting them in their pursuit as well.
  • Listening deeply.
  • Believing the best about your spouse’s intents and motivations as well as your children’s intents and motivations.

These simple daily practices of kindness can change the world, starting with your marriage and your family. Kindness is powerful.

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A Sacred Challenge for Your Family

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Fred Rogers said, “I believe that appreciation is a holy thing—that when we look for what’s best in a person we happen to be with at the moment, we’re doing what God does all the time. So in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we’re participating in something sacred.”

I agree. I also believe that the best place to start this holy activity is within our families. When we practice the holy activity of appreciation within the family, we nurture a healthier family. We will also raise a generation of people who appreciate others and engage in the holy art of appreciation. A generation armed with the sacred tool of appreciation will nurture peace in our communities, scattering hatred of self and others. After all, a child who knows they are appreciated learns to appreciate themselves and others, to love themselves and others, to have confidence in themselves and others. In this way, the “holy thing” of appreciation within the family can start a movement that might change the world. You may think my vision grandiose. But, even if I’m wrong and it doesn’t change the world, it will most definitely change your family.

With this in mind, let me present a challenge for you and your family.

  • Write down the name of each family member on a piece of paper.
  • Every day for the next month, look for and identify one thing you can appreciate about each family member. This may include something you admire about their character or some action you can thank them for.
  • Express that appreciation to them verbally as it occurs.
  • Then, at the end of each day, write that appreciation next to their name.
  • At the end of the month, sit down as a family and review your appreciation list over a favorite family meal or dessert. Enjoy the appreciation and watch your children’s faces and your spouse’s face glow with joy to know how much they are appreciated.
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Dad Vs. Mom in Their Child’s Success

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A study using a sample of almost 5,000 mother-father households found that parents play a unique role in their children’s academic success. Specifically, this study confirmed that interactive activities between a father and their three-year-old contributes to that child’s improved academic performance when they are five-years-old. And when a father is actively engaged with his five-year-old child, that child tends to have higher academic scores at seven-years-old. In other words, a father who engages his child in interactive activities promotes their academic success.

The same study suggested that a mother’s involvement with their child tends to promote improved emotional and social behaviors rather than academic achievement.

In general, children benefit from having both a mother and a father actively engaged in their lives. I just find it interesting that a mother’s involvement is more predictive of emotional and social behaviors while a father’s involvement is more predictive of academic success. So, if you want an emotionally healthy child who has good social skills and does well in school, engage with your child in a variety of activities on a regular basis.

Become actively involved in your child’s life and promote their future success.

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The Real Message Your Tween Wants You to Know

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If you asked your tween-age child what they want to you know about life as a tween, what would they say? Actually, they might already be telling you without you even asking. You have to “listen” closely to hear the message behind their words and emotional outbursts to hear the true message.  When you do, you’ll hear at least two things that they really want you to know.

One message you may hear your tween telling you is: “Life as a tween is harder than you think.” You likely hear this message in phrases like, “You don’t understand…things are different than when you were a kid” or “You’re too old.” It is true. Life for a tween is filled with stress. They have to learn to navigate peer relationships and peer pressures. Their bodies are changing. They have to learn to manage their hormone infused, shape changing bodies as well as their changing emotions and attractions. They also face academic pressure, family pressures, and threats to their self-concept. Their world grows exponentially, causing them to question and reassess values they merely accepted as younger children.

As a parent, you can help your tween feel more understood by listening deeply. Invest in regular one-on-one times with your tween. Ask about their world, their friends, their concerns…and listen intently.

You can also help your tween manage the stress of the tween years by encouraging regular physical activity in their lives. Tweens who get an hour or more of exercise a day exhibit less physical reactivity when faced with a stressful task. Specifically, they produce less cortisol (stress hormone) in response to stressful situations. They manage stress more effectively.

A second message your Tween may tell you is: “I’m not a kid anymore.” You may have heard this statement directly or in comments like “Why do I still have to go to bed so early?” or “You don’t care what I think.” Our tween-age children want us to take them seriously, to recognize their growing knowledge and insights, to give genuine consideration to their input and ideas. They want to move from the “kids’ table” to find a seat with the adults.

In fact, our tweens can teach us a lot. They have a world of knowledge at their fingertips (their cell phones) and they’re not afraid to use it. They need the adults in their life to validate their growing knowledge and to provide some guidance in learning which sources of knowledge to trust and which to question.  As a parent, we can validate their growing knowledge by listening and engaging them in conversation. We can allow them to teach us while we ask questions and further the discussion, guiding them and motivating them to discern the information they gather.

Parents can also involve their tweens in family decisions, like vacation planning or meal planning. They can involve their tween in discussions of current events. Our tweens also need us to provide them with opportunities to make meaningful contributions to the management of the household. They need us to trust them with significant household duties and personal responsibility.

These are two very important messages our tweens want their parents to hear…and parents really need to hear. Not only do we need to hear these messages, but we also need to implement them into our relationship with and our expectations of our tweens. Probably I should mention one more.

“I don’t like when you call us ‘tweens.’” Remember that one. No one likes to carry a label that leads to assumptions and preconceived ideas. Everyone is an individual with personal interests and ideas. So, call your child by their name or some endearing term and uplifting nickname. Explore their individuality and let them teach you about their personal interests and idiosyncrasies. It will be the beginning of a lifelong beautiful relationship.

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One of My Favorite Marriage Boosters

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Have you ever felt like your marriage was in a rut? Same thing day after day? If so, let me share one of my favorite ways of giving my marriage a boost, of reigniting that spark of excitement and love. Oh…and it’s not just my idea. In a survey of 1,000 people, 84% of the respondents agreed that this activity strengthened their relationship. If you want to give your marriage a boost, take a road trip together. That’s right, take a trip together, near or far. Enjoy traveling with one another. You can turn up your favorite music and celebrate, or you can quietly take in the sights. In fact, on a road trip you’ll have time for both. And the whole time you can talk, catch up, and dream about the future or reminisce about the past. Sure, you might experience a few moments of frustration and disagreement, but you’ll have plenty of time to “work it out” and enjoy making up. As this year comes to an end, give your marriage a boost by taking a road trip or two.

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The Risk of Depression, Cut in Half

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Depression in the United States is on the rise. Consider these statistics: depression for adults between 18-years-old and 29-years-old is up 13.9 percentage points (from 20.4% in 2017 to 34.3% in 2023). During the same time period, depression among those between 30-years-old and 44-years-old rose 12.6 percentage points (from 22.3% to 34.9%). The rate of depression in youth has also increased 24% between 2016 and 2019. Most recently, 11.5% of youth reported severe major depression in 2023. Depression has increased dramatically in our society. (For more on this see U.S. Depression Rates Reach New Highs (gallup.com) and The State of Pediatric Mental Health in America 2023 Report – Office Practicum.)

Fortunately, you can help cut the risk of depression in half for your family members by practicing a few habits in your home. Specifically, research suggests that practicing five or more of these seven habits can cut the risk of depression in half. Don’t limit yourself to five though. You can build all seven into your family lifestyle, protecting your family from depression. Here are the seven habits.

  • Develop healthy, age-appropriate sleep habits. Getting a good night’s rest reduces the risk of depression. It also reduces the risk of suicide. So, create a positive bedtime routine and encourage everyone to get their eight hours.
  • Exercise. Physical activity has been shown to be as effective as medication for many in managing and reducing depression. You can go for a walk, ride your bike, run, play a sport, swim… The options are countless. The goal is to get moving. Exercise and reduce your risk of depression.
  • Maintain a healthy diet. Eat those fruits and vegetables to fight depression. A healthy balanced diet helps to stabilize our mood and protects us from depression. Along those same lines…
  • Limit alcohol consumption. Alcohol is a depressant. It slows brain activity. People who drink more than the recommended amount of alcohol (more than two drinks a day for men or one drink a day for women) increase their risk of depression.
  • Stop smoking. Smoking increases the risk of depression. The more a person smokes, the higher the risk of depression. Smoking cessation decreases the risk of depression and the longer the duration of not smoking, the lower the risk of depression.
  • Get away from the screen. Put down the technology and get moving. Long periods of sedentary behavior represent an increased risk for depression. Instead of binge watching your favorite series, “go old school” and watch one episode a week. If you don’t want to “go totally old school,” watch one episode a day. The goal is to get up and get moving every day to avoid sedentary behavior. In addition, get off social media and socialize face-to-face more often…which leads to our last daily habit to decrease the risk of depression.
  • Cultivate friendships and social connections. Hobbies and activities with those who share your interests will create an excellent opportunity to build social connections. Engaging in hobbies and activities that we enjoy, especially with other people, boosts our mood. It increases our sense of well-being and increases our life satisfaction. It decreases depression.

Know what I like about these seven habits? They are good, healthy habits for everyone. They represent a lifestyle of wellness that will benefit all of us. Cutting the risk of depression does not demand we do something extraordinary. It simply means we live a healthy lifestyle and promote a healthy lifestyle in our families. Make it a point to do so this year.

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What I Miss About Christmas (& What I’m Doing About It This Year)

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Do you know what I miss? I miss those simple Christmas holidays of childhood. Remember those? We sang Christmas carols and even went “caroling” in the community. We enjoyed the magic of “good ole St. Nick” somehow bringing gifts to everyone in a single night. And we experienced the joy of watching someone’s face light up when WE gave them a gift. I also remember the hugs… oh the hugs. We were engulfed in hugs. And the laughter that rang out throughout the season. In the midst of all these activities, a nativity scene adorned the table and filled my mind with wonder. I often pondered, “All this for a baby born so long ago in a town so far away?”

As I grew, the very tangible hope and joy of the Christmas celebration remained with me. Sometimes I still look at that little Baby, his parents, the shepherds, an angel, and the wise men (yes, they were always at the nativity scene early) and just wonder, ponder the mystery of it all. The hymns and songs and laughter and gifts and food and family are all still there, but I miss the innocence of those childhood Christmases.

I’m not sure the world was any better “back then.” There were wars and protests on the news every night (the Vietnam war and the Cuba Missile Crisis, for example). Leaders were assassinated (MLK & JFK). The end of time was near (or so many “prophets” proclaimed). Nuclear threat loomed as we practiced “what to do” in case of nuclear disaster and watched movies about the fallout of nuclear disaster. Pundits predicted overpopulation and famine as imminent threats. Still, in the midst of it all, there I was with many other young boys and girls, celebrating the magic and mystery of a joyous Christmas.

It reminds me of Jesus’ words. “Unless you become as a little child, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself [accepting their lack of knowledge and wondering at mysteries beyond our wildest imaginations] like a child is the greatest in the Kingdom of heaven!” This year, I’m choosing to return to “become as a child.” I’m choosing to return to the childhood Christmases I miss, the Christmases of innocence and wonder. How?
 

First, I’m going to look afresh, with the eyes of a child, at the Child in the manger. I’m going to consider with wonder the amazing gift we’ve been given. I think I’ll listen to Handel’s Messiah: “For unto us a Child a given, unto us a Son is born….”  I’ll ponder the marvel at the “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” all wrapped up in that little Baby lying in a manger. What an amazing love to give up the glories of heaven to take the form of a Baby born in an occupied country to a poor family.

Second, in celebration of that great gift, I will give gifts. The gift of the Child in the manger is so astoundingly generous that I will strive to give generously in return. And I’m going to start with giving of myself, just like that Child in the manger “gave Himself” for us. I’m going to give myself to my family and friends in service. I’ll give my ear to listen. I’ll give my hands to serve and my mouth to encourage. I’ll celebrate by giving myself to others in love.

Third, I’m sharing hugs this year. If you’re around, I might just hug you. It’s Christmas. Jesus spent His life touching others (both metaphorically and literally). I think I’ll do the same. Instead of simply being engulfed in hugs, I might give a hug or two…or three or four. I might even engulf a few people in hugs. After all, we need hugs to thrive.

Fourth, I’m going to sing. I’m singing in the shower, in the car, in my home, with my family, with my friends…. I’m singing all the songs I loved as a child and still do as an adult. Maybe others will join in, and we can sing together. There truly is something about singing that brings people together. It brings us in sync. So I’m singing with everyone who will sing with me.

Know what else, I think I’ll put out some cookies for Santa Claus again this year. We actually put out pizza. We haven’t done it since our children left home for college…but I’m doing it this year. I’m going to enjoy the magic of a mysterious guy dressed in red bringing gifts in the middle of the night. Who knows, while I wait I might “see Mommy kissing Santa Claus.” I might also see a star that shines in the East announcing a new King rising in our hearts.

Will you celebrate the innocence of a childhood Christmas with me this year?

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Christmas Peace?

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Our world is a place divided. Wars and battles rage between countries, ethnicities, people with any differences. The actions of a small band of people get thrust upon the whole body of people as we generalize our hate with no consideration for context, no compassion for pain, no love for the misguided. People pick sides. Our cup brims with division and hate.

We think we understand and have the right answers. We trust our finite, limited wisdom thinking we have complete answers, but I fear we don’t. Making an idol of our finite understanding, we cling to our ideologies and cast out (dare I say castigate on social media sites) those who think differently than “our perfect and complete way.” As a result, we remain divided and scattered. In our arrogance, we never find the Truth. Putting to shame the counsel of the afflicted, frustrating the plans of the poor, we oppress or become oppressed, forgetting that the Lord is the refuge of the afflicted (Psalm 14:6). In all our efforts to form and protect “my group” and “my way of life,” we end up living in isolated enclaves, casting out those who “don’t belong” or finding ourselves cast out as the one who doesn’t belong.

Things weren’t all that different on that first Christmas. There were wars and battles. There were those oppressed and those oppressing, those who had space and those for whom there “was no room in the inn.” There were those who protected “my way of life” at the expense of others. Those arrogant enough to believe they alone had the right to determine the answers were sometimes even willing to kill to support their cause (consider Herod having the children killed).

But, in the midst of this chaos, a light shines in the darkness. A man and his wife lovingly sit in a crude setting to adore their newborn Baby Boy lying in a feeding trough. Angel choirs sing a song of celebration, announcing glad tidings of peace to a group of shepherds. In turn, the shepherds run to see if such “glad tidings of peace on earth, good will to men” could be true. They fall in worship before the newborn Babe. At the same time, a shining star catches the attention of some astrologers, leading the Magi with gifts from afar. They too come to worship and adore the Child. Rich and poor, people born in the land and people from a distant land, scholars and laborers all join together before Jesus for one purpose—to adore, to worship, to celebrate. They come in peace to celebrate Emmanuel, the Bringer of Peace. I believe they leave changed people—a little more aware of those around them, a little more kind and compassionate, a little more loving—filled with anticipation of a coming Kingdom lead by the law of love.

This Baby grew into a Man who wept as He looked toward the place of His final destination and said, “If you had known in this day, even you, the things which make for peace! But now they have been hidden from your eyes.” As children in the crowd continued to praise Him with words of “Hosanna to the Son of David,” the religious leaders asked Him to quiet the children. But He said, “Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babes you have prepared praise for Yourself.” Out of the weakest in the society came forth the truth which could lead to peace, the truth that pointed to the only way of peace…the gift of a Son, a Child, the Prince of Peace.

Today, as I contemplated the Prince of Peace and our seeming blindness to His gift, I heard a hymn sung by people who some would wrongly think to be the least powerful in their world. (In fact, they may be some of the strongest people as they remain steadfast in seeking the will of God for their lives in the midst of unjust vilification, great loss, and immense pain.) In this hymn I hear “living stones” cry out. I hear them proclaim a truth born “on the night of Christmas.” “On the night of Christmas, hatred will vanish…the earth blooms…war is buried…Love is born.” I hear the proclamation that as we live a life made possible by the Child born on Christmas, we will more fully realize His kingdom of peace. “When we offer a glass of water to a thirsty person…when we clothe a naked person with a gown of love…when we wipe tears from weeping eyes…when we cushion a hopeless heart with love…” we live out the Christmas message. Peace will grow exponentially when in response to the message of Christmas “I kiss a friend without hypocrisy…when the spirit of revenge dies in me…when hardness is gone from my heart…when my soul melts in the being of God” and “I am in Christmas.” This Christmas let us be “in Christmas.” Let us turn toward the manger and bow in humble adoration and submission before the Baby Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us. With His light before us and His Spirit within us, let us seek peace and pursue it.

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Hope for an Imperfect Parent

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Have you ever felt like an imperfect parent? Maybe even a failure? I know the feeling. I have. But I also have good news. Our children are wise, even from a young age. They don’t need perfect parents. They need parents with a sincere intent to love. To better understand this, imagine a scenario with me.

An adult sits down to show a 24-month-old toddler a toy car. The adult pushes the car until it bumps into a tiny block to the right of the toddler. Nothing happens. Then he pushes the toy car into a block on the toddler’s left. The toy car lights up. The toddler watches as the adult rolls the car back and forth, bumping into the block to the right where nothing happens and the block to the left, where the car lights up. Then he turns the car over to the toddler. The toddler plays with the car but only bumps it into the block on the left, causing the toy car to light up. The toddler only initiates the behavior with the interesting result.

Now imagine an 18-month-old watching a person whose arms are wrapped up in a blanket. The person whose arms are wrapped up is trying to make a box light up, but they can’t move their arms. So, they tap the box with their head and so succeed in lighting up the box. The 18-month-old toddler, whose hands are free, simply reaches out and touches the box with his hand to make it light up. The toddler looked beyond the mere action of the person who “used their head.” He assessed the goal of turning on the light, considered the person’s limitations (arms wrapped up), and then chose the most efficient way to achieve the same end. Our children are wise. (These studies are described in The Gardner and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnick, pages 97-101).

All in all, children are geniuses. They don’t just mimic another person’s behavior. They look beyond the outward appearance of a behavior to assess the intent of the behavior, the goal of the action. They recognize what the person is trying to accomplish and determine the most efficient way to achieve it.

What does this have to do with being an imperfect parent? Our children can look beyond our imperfections and shortcomings to see our deeper intent, our true goals. Our every action does not need to be perfect. Our words and our responses can fall short as long as our motives and intents are sincere and virtuous. Our children will look past our imperfections to see our love, our loving goal for them to become mature, responsible people.

So rather than asking if our every parental action is perfect (because they aren’t and never will be), we need to ask if the intent of our actions and the aim of our behavior are loving and virtuous. We need to ask ourselves:

  • Are we responding to our children from a place of sincere love? Can they see the delight that we have for them in our eyes?
  • Our children’s misbehavior often leads to frustration. Even when frustrated over misbehavior, do we strive to let our discipline flow from a place of grace and love, a desire to teach our children correct behavior versus punishing poor behavior?
  • Watching our children grow and take risks (even the risk of leaving for college) can arouse our fears. Do we let our fears control us or do we continue to act from a place of kindness, vulnerability, and truth? (It is vulnerable to express our fears in a healthy manner.)
  • When our children excitedly tell us about their passions, do we patiently listen from a place of genuine interest or a half-hearted effort to pacify?
  • Do we make it our goal to consistently treat our children with the respect we expect them to show toward us or do we disrespectfully “bark out orders” and ignore their concerns?

We will make mistakes. We are imperfect. But when we approach our children and interact from a place of respect, patience, kindness, and love, our children will look beyond our mistakes and act upon our true intent. They will respond, in the long run, to our love.

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