Archive for Author John Salmon

Excellent Parenting Begins…

Posted on by Leave a comment

We all want to be excellent parents… and that it is no simple task. Still, as difficult as it is, I do know where to begin. Excellent parenting begins with self-awareness. That’s right. Excellent parents practice self-awareness. They have learned that raising a child demands that we, as parents, take a deeply honest look at ourselves. What does this self-awareness, this deeply honest look at oneself, consist of for a parent? Let’s consider a couple of questions to get us started:

  • First, we need to take an honest look at our feelings about our own childhood. What was it like for you as a child and as a teen? Were you shy or extroverted? Did you enjoy sports? art? academics? What were your happiest memories? Your least happy memories? Times are different today, but it still helps us to parent more effectively when we recall what it was like to be a child or teen.
  • Second, we need to take an honest look at how we were parented as a child or teen. How did your parents parent you? Every parent makes mistakes, our parents and ourselves included. So, take an honest, nonjudgmental look at your childhood and recall those things your parents did that you now see as helpful. Also, consider those things your parents did that you now see as not helpful. Take time to determine the positive practices you can learn from your parents and what you will do instead of the practices you found unhelpful.
  • Third, take an honest look at your expectations in regard to your children. Our expectations have a huge impact on our ability to parent well. What are your expectations for your children? Are they reasonable and age appropriate? For instance, we cannot reasonably expect a toddler to sit quietly in a restaurant for half an hour before eating.  In a similar manner, we don’t want to discipline our toddler in the same way we might discipline a teen. Assuring our expectations remain reasonable and age appropriate may require some self-education. Take time to learn about children’s physical, emotional, and mental development.
  • Fourth, take an honest look at your self-expectations in regard to parenting. There are many parenting myths out there that will sabotage your efforts at parenting. Make sure you don’t fall prey to those myths. Consider: what are your expectations in regard to time spent with children? How easily your children will listen? How your children’s behavior reflects on you or does not reflect on you? Your life after your children leave home? Take an honest look at any expectations you hold for yourself and your spouse as parents.
  • Fifth, take an honest look at your priorities and goals. Parenting is a journey and any successful journey demands that we know where we are going. The perceived end of our journey shapes the priorities along the way. Do you want to raise adults focused on “winning” and achieving at any cost or adults focused on “doing their best” and displaying good sportsmanship? Do you want your children to believe achievement or kindness is most important? Do you want to promote “taking care of yourself” or helping others? You get the idea. What priorities will shape your efforts to raise your children? Your answers will shape your behavior and your parenting style.
  • Finally, take an honest look at your fears. Do fears drive your family? If so, what fears are aroused in your efforts to raise healthy children? Watching our children and teens venture into the world can arouse many fears. We need to acknowledge those fears honestly. Recognizing and acknowledging our fears will help us to not overreact to them. Instead, we can plan and prepare for whatever transitions, times, or activities arouse our fears. As we address our fears in a healthy way, our parenting can be led by love instead of fear.

Taking an honest look at these six factors will set you on the road to parenting with self-awareness. It may prove challenging, but the long-term returns of healthy children and a healthy relationship with your children are well worth the investment.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , ,

Marital Conflict, Fathers, & Children

Posted on by Leave a comment

If you’ve been married longer than your honeymoon, you know that marital conflicts will arise. Even people who love one another and want to spend the rest of their lives together have disagreements. Those conflicts and disagreements also impact their children. On the one hand, angry, stressed-out parents might take their anger out on their children in small and subtle ways or in loud and obvious ways. They may withdraw emotionally or physically from their family and children. On the other hand, they might manage their conflict in a way that teaches their children how to love a person even while you disagree with them…and to love enough to work toward some type of resolution. It can go either way, depending on how the couple responds to conflict in their marriage. With this in mind, you can image the impact marital conflict can have on our children’s long-term emotional health and well-being…for better or for worse.

To understand the impact of marital conflict on our children, one study analyzed data from 3,955 heterosexual intact families (both mother and father were present in the family). They discovered an important role fathers play in how a married couple’s conflict impacts their children. Specifically, when fathers reported more frequent conflict with their marriage partner, they also reported increased parenting stress and decreased warmth toward their children. In the same surveys, this was linked to the mother’s report of children struggling to develop social skills and emotional regulation skills.

On the other hand, when fathers used more “constructive conflict resolution” skills, parental stress was minimized, parental involvement increased, and warmth toward children increased. All this leads to healthier social and emotional development in children. So, the big question I have from this research is: what are constructive conflict resolution skills? Let’s name a few.

  • Open communication. Children benefit when both parents, fathers in particular, learn to communicate openly. This requires exhibiting enough vulnerability to express emotions and feelings, to risk being misunderstood while patiently listening to understand the other person. Couples can help fathers communicate openly by starting conversations “gently” and soothing one another as the conversation progresses.
  • Compromising. Being a family involves compromise. Not everyone can have everything they want all the time. That sounds obvious, doesn’t it? But it’s true. We don’t live with Burger King. Every person in the family is going to have their own opinions, perspectives, and ideas. Meshing them all together into a happy, healthy home will demand compromise. Look for a resolution with which you can both be satisfied.
  • Listening. I briefly mentioned listening under open communication, but listening is so important that it deserves its own bullet point. Many times, if both parties in conflict will listen deeply and intentionally to the other person, rather than defending or blaming, they will discover their conflict is not really that big. They will easily find a compromise. In fact, they may even find they agree on a deeper level than the conflict suggests. So, listen, don’t judge. Listen to understand rather than listening to form a rebuttal. Listen to find the good in what the other person is saying, areas in which you can agree, rather than listening to prove them wrong.
  • Remember who you are talking to. You are talking to the one you love, your spouse, the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Don’t let your frustration or anger lead to statements that hurt, belittle, or demean the one you love. Remember how much they have done to make your life and your home a better place.
  • Remember how you want others to remember you. Do you want to be remembered as someone who always “had to be right” or someone “who listened so well I always knew they understood me”? Do you want to be remembered as someone who “blew their stack” when they didn’t get their way or someone who “always found a solution everyone could be happy with”? Someone who was always kind, even when angry, or someone who was unpredictable and loud when angry? Act accordingly…especially in the midst of conflict.

As you practice these skills and attitudes, you will find conflict resolves more easily. You will feel less stress. Your marriage will grow more intimate. And your children will develop in a healthier manner.

Posted in Family Shepherds, Grace, Honor tagged with , , , ,

Household Labor and…Sexual Satisfaction?

Posted on by Leave a comment

“I have a headache” has become a somewhat iconic excuse to avoid sexual intimacy…along with “I have to get up early” or “I’m not in the mood.”  I recognize these may be true statements at times and they need to be accepted as such. However, at times, they can also represent a lack of desire for sexual intimacy. In such cases, one needs to ask a question: what could be contributing to a lack of sexual desire in my marriage?  One study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, offers an interesting answer to consider, especially for women with a low sexual desire. So…husbands, listen up.

This study looked at the division of labor in the home and how it might impact a woman’s sexual desire for her husband. Specifically, the study used two online surveys to ask women about three things: 1) their sexual desire for their husband (the study utilized heterosexual couples), 2) the division of household labor and how they felt about that division, and 3) how dependent they felt their spouse was on them. Household labor in this study fell into one of several categories including finances, social planning, cleaning, clothing care, food (shopping, prepping, cooking), outdoor maintenance, house and car maintenance, general decision-making, childcare, initiating discussions, and contacting people.

Interestingly, the results revealed that women who did the lion’s share of the household labor had a decreased sexual desire. However, that decrease in sexual desire did not occur simply because they did more of the work. The decreased sexual desire seemed to arise because of two factors associated with doing the lion’s share of the work:

  1. They felt it unfair that they did the majority of the work. The greater the perceived unfairness, the lower the sexual desire. In healthy marriages, both partners engage in the tasks necessary to maintain a home and family.
  2. They felt their partner was dependent on them. The greater the perceived dependence, the lower the sexual desire. To state this in a different way, women want to be their husband’s wife, not their mother. They want a partner, not a child they have to care for. The more of the household labor a woman does, the more she feels like the caretaker, the mother…not the wife.

Men, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, do your share of the housework. Women, if you want a healthy, satisfying life of sexual intimacy in your marriage, let your husband do their share of the housework. Men and women, if you want a healthy, satisfying sex life in your marriage, acknowledge what your spouse does to maintain your home and family. If you struggle to divide the household labor equally…

  • Get curious about what you could do around the house. Remember, household chores involve more than mopping floors and washing dishes. It involves finances, social planning, cleaning, food shopping, cooking, childcare, decision-making, yard maintenance, house/car maintenance, and initiating discussions. It’s important that both spouses participate in household labor, not that the labor is divided between “male” and “female” duties. For instance, in our home it would not be surprising to see me (the male) washing dishes while my wife was painting the porch railing. The important factor is that both spouses are actively engaged in maintaining the home and family.
  • Sit down as a couple and discuss who does what and areas where you can both become actively involved. Ask your spouse what they would like you to do to help around the house. Ask them what you can do to “lighten their load” and work together to build the kind of home you both desire. Remember, you are a team of two adults building a home together.
  • Take action. Don’t just talk about what you can do. Do it. Get involved in the maintenance of your home and family life in ways you discussed.
  • Give thanks. Take the time to look for the ways in which your spouse is participating in the household tasks. Verbally acknowledge their effort and their involvement. Thank them for what they have done and continue to do. (If you wonder why you should thank your spouse for doing what they are supposed to do, read Why Thank Your Spouse for Doing Chores.)

Men, I want to add one, maybe two caveats to this. First, serving your wife and family through active involvement in household labor is almost a kind of aphrodisiac. I’m not talking about trading work for sexual intimacy. I’m talking about the way in which actively serving your wife through household labor reveals a love that will promote your wife’s sense of security and one which she will find attractive. So, forget the flowers and wash some dishes to reveal the full depth of your love. Even some products knew to use this idea in their advertisements.

Second, women are especially attracted to those who show kindness and affection to “their” children. Who isn’t? With that in mind, childcare is a crucial household task for men to participate in…and not just for your spouse. After all, they are your children too. You are their parent—their father. Change some diapers. Feed the baby. Take care of the children while your wife takes a break. Become actively involved in your children’s lives. Doing so is a part of the household labor your wife will love to see. And, you will cherish the time you spent with your children.

Posted in Celebration, Honor tagged with , , ,

Parental Protection & Your Child’s Resilience

Posted on by Leave a comment

We are experiencing a mental health crisis in our children that began before the pandemic and escalated through the pandemic. Some of this crisis was precipitated by an overemphasis on children’s safety and overprotectiveness on the part of parents. I find it interesting that children enjoyed more freedom in the 1960’s through the 1980’s even though crime was on the rise at that time. In fact, crime seemed to peak in the 1990’s and has since shown a decrease. Of course, there are still crimes but, overall, crime rates have decreased (See the Crime Statistics compiled by Let Grow.)

Still, news continues to catastrophize our awareness of what crimes do exist, contributing to continued and increased fear in parents. This has often led to parental overprotection and less time spent for children to engage in activities unsupervised by parents. This seems to have contributed to unhealthy coping mechanisms in children—less motivation, less ability to deal with problems in healthy ways, less independence, less confidence. The result of these unhealthy coping mechanisms? Anxiety, depression, substance abuse, defiance. I’m not trying to cast blame. We live in a scary world. It’s scary to let our children “go out into the world alone.” However, we also need to communicate confidence in our children’s ability to navigate the world in an age expected manner while teaching them to navigate it in a growing independent manner as they mature. Doing so will implicitly communicate confidence in their ability and will enhance their resilience and health. How can a parent do this?

  • Begin by identifying your own fears. We all have fears. Parenting is a scary business. As you identify your fears, beware of negative filters. Do a little research. Learn about the true crime statistics. Learn about the benefit of unsupervised play for our children’s ability to problem-solve, take healthy risks, and grow more resilient.  As you learn about your filters, you can escape from the extreme thinking that the world is either terribly unsafe or “pollyannishly” safe. You can wisely discern levels of safety and allow your children to engage in activities appropriate for their level of maturity and self-care while teaching them to grow more independent along the way.
  • Allow your children to experience the frustration of difficult situations like going to a new place (one you have researched and determined as safe) on their own. Let them go to the local recreation center without you. Let them walk to the park alone. Let them take a bus to their friend’s house independently. Let them walk to the local grocery store to pick up a few grocery items for you. It’s scary to let them go out alone. But by letting them go independently (after you have taught them how) they grow rightfully and wisely confident in their own abilities and strengths.
  • Encourage your children’s curiosity. Encourage them to explore places and thoughts. Let them learn about ideas and locations.
  • Listen to what your children want to do and negotiate the parameters. Teach them to think through an activity or outing before embarking on that outing. Teach them to consider the possibilities and prepare.

It’s one of the biggest parenting challenges we face: letting our children grow independent. The first walk to school without a parent, the first walk to the park alone, their first independent trip to the grocery store, their first time driving alone…it all arouses a parent’s anxiety (at least it did for me). But we have to teach them the skills they need to “go at it alone” and trust that they have learned. We have to trust we have taught them well. Trust they have learned. Trust they will implement that knowledge. And let them go. Each time they do, our trust will grow, and their confidence and resilience will grow as well.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , ,

Children Need the Sound of Silence

Posted on by Leave a comment

Children’s brains are on a developmental fast track. Their brains are evolving, pruning, and shaping…at an amazing rate. You can see it in their changing abilities and growing knowledge every day. Interestingly, sounds have meaning to our brain and our brain seeks to understand that meaning.  For instance, the sound of a speeding car when I’m at an intersection means be cautious. The sound of gunshots means beware. The sound of a baby crying arouses empathy and causes me to look around. Other sounds provide information we deem unnecessary for the moment, so we move them to the background—the ongoing buzz of traffic in the distance, the sound of birds chirping in the yard. As I write, the sound of construction “down the street” causes me to take note. I need to go a different way when I go to the store. Now move the bang and hum of construction into the background of my awareness and continue with my work.

Whatever the sound, our brains take notice. In fact, the “brain has to work overtime to ignore sounds.” The energy invested in ignoring sounds means less energy available for learning. This is especially true for young brains. Studies have shown that excessive noise can interfere with children’s ability to understand speech and comprehend what someone else is saying. It interferes with the ability to recall information from a visually presented list, and it interferes with reading. These studies also reveal that chronic noise contributes to children’s lower performance in verbal tasks and reading. In other words, noise interferes with our children’s ability to learn.

One study in the 1970’s (described in How a Little Silence in Children’s Lives Helps Them Grow) actually found that soundproofing a classroom near noisy train tracks actually led to improved test scores.

Why do I tell you this? Because we live in a noisy world and our children will benefit from a little more silence in their lives. They will learn more easily with a little more silence in the world. More importantly, you can provide a safe haven of quiet for your children in your home. You can develop a quiet environment in your home by:

  • Reducing loud arguments. Learn to talk about problems rather than yell and scream. Keep your tone respectful and loving, even in the midst of disagreement.
  • Discipline respectfully and politely. Don’t yell. Train your children to respond to a firm voice, not a loud voice. (I know. There will be times with loud arguing and even loud discipline in our homes; but keep them to a minimum. Make it a goal to disagree and discipline in respectful tones rather than loud tones more often than not.)
  • Turn off the TV and enjoy undistracted interactions with your children. Also, turn off the TV during homework time. Limit the noise distractions while your children complete their homework.
  • Turn the TV down. Even when you watch TV, turn the volume down rather than leave it loud enough to “hear in the other room.”  
  • Consider the timing of various activities. You don’t want one child practicing the drums while the other child is trying to complete their reading assignment. Coordinate activities.
  • Go for a walk in the woods with your family. Enjoy the sounds of nature. Nature has a healing effect in and of itself, especially the sounds of nature.
  • Go to the library to read.
  • Make bedtime a quiet time—no televisions, radios, or cellphones playing in the room.

Of course, we will encounter noise. We live in a noisy society. But do your best to make your home environment a place of peace with moments of quiet and even silence. Let your children hear the sounds of silence and learn without the distraction of noise. Their brains will appreciate the chance to invest energy in learning and growing without having to invest energy in combatting the noise. And your whole family will enjoy the calm of enjoying silence together.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , ,

Marriage, Money, & Your Bank Account

Posted on by Leave a comment

When people get married, they have several decisions to make. Some of those decisions center on finances…and these financial decisions reflect beliefs about power and trust. With that in mind, researchers have completed studies to discover the impact of having a joint account versus separate accounts in a marriage.

A longitudinal study published in March of 2023, assigned newlywed or engaged couples to one of three conditions for managing their finances: 1) merge money into a joint account, 2) maintain separate accounts, or 3) manage their finances in any way they want. Couples who pooled their finances into a joint account reported increases in their perceived relationship quality over a 2-year period. The other two groups reported an expected decline in relationship satisfaction over the first 2 years of marriage. The research supported three potential reasons that pooling money in a joint account would lead to greater relationship satisfaction:

  1. It promoted financial goal agreement. The couples felt like they were on the same team as they created shared goals and priorities.
  2. It improved how married couples felt about the way in which they handled their money. Both these points remind me of how important communication is within a marriage. When a couple pools their money in a joint account, they must communicate goals and desires about finances with one another. They have to discuss expenditures and determine priorities around those expenditures. Perhaps, this communication increased their sense of being a team, of working together, and increased their positive feelings about how they managed their money.
  3. It increased each person’s willingness to do things for the other without expecting something in return. That’s an interesting result to me. It seems slightly removed from pure financial matters. However, it makes sense. Communication about finances allows the couple to learn about what money means to their spouse and about their spouse’s priorities, especially around finances in this case. Communicating to work toward common goals will increase their trust in their spouse. As a result of this growing interpersonal knowledge and trust, each one will grow in their willingness to do things for the other without expecting a “tit-for-tat” response.

This study also suggests that the act of pooling money in a joint account actually contributed to a happier and more enduring relationship. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Money in and of itself does not create happiness. However, how we communicate about money and how we enact our priorities through money can impact our happiness and the intimacy in our relationship. By putting finances into a joint account, a couple puts themselves in apposition to learn better ways of communicating about priorities and values while working as a team to move toward those priorities with their finances. So, would you like a happier marriage? Consider a joint account.

Posted in Honor tagged with , , ,

Your Phone & Your Marriage

Posted on by Leave a comment

I’ve read many articles about the impact that smartphones and screentime have on our children and teens. However, they are not the only ones impacted by screentime. More and more, research suggests that screentime also impacts the quality of our marriages. In fact, 44% of married Americans under the age of 35 report their spouse is on the phone too much. This drops to 34% of married Americans between the ages of 35 and 55.

Perhaps more troubling, excessive phone usage interferes with the quality of a person’s marriage. One in five (21%) of married adults who believe their spouse is on their phone excessively report being unhappy with their marriage and having an increased worry of divorce. In addition, couples who report that screentime and phone usage pose a problem enjoy less sexual intimacy and fewer “date nights” compared to those couples who do not report a phone problem. (Statistics taken from More Scrolling, More Marital Problems.)

Overall, excessive phone use and screentime can rob you of a healthy, joyous marriage if you do not manage it wisely. Fortunately, you have the power to manage your screentime and its impact on your life. Consider the findings of a study from Swansea University. This study examined “the effects on physical health and psychological functioning of reducing social media usage by 15 minutes a day.” The participants were divided into three groups. One group reduced their social media usage by 15 minutes a day. The second group was asked to do something other than social media for 15 minutes a day. The third group simply continued social media usage as they normally would.

Ironically, the group asked to reduce social media by 15 minutes a day actually reduced their use by 40 minutes a day. The group asked to do something other than social media ended up increasing their social media usage by 25 minutes a day. The group asked to change nothing increased social media usage by 10 minutes a day.

More importantly, after three months those who reduced their social media usage exhibited a 15% improvement in immune functioning, a 50% improvement in sleep quality, and 30% fewer depressive symptoms. If reducing social media usage will impact an individual in these ways, imagine what it might do for your marriage. In fact, each of these improvements will impact marital quality in its own way through less irritability and more energy.

With all this in mind, here is a challenge (if you choose to accept it). Commit to reducing your social media usage by 15 minutes a day and use that time to connect with your spouse. Replace 15 minutes of social media usage with 15 minutes of conversation with your spouse, 15 minutes of snuggling with your spouse, or 15 minutes of holding hands with your spouse while you take a walk. Try it for the next month and discover a whole new level of intimacy in your marriage.

Posted in Honor tagged with , , ,

Don’t Let These Parenting Myths Hinder Your Effective Parenting

Posted on by Leave a comment

Before I became a parent, I worked with children in social services. I came to think of myself as a kind of expert on parenting (Oh the hubris of youth). Then I had children and discovered what every parent I worked with already knew—I had no idea what I was talking about. Our children are unique. Our families are unique. And how we discipline often depends on the individual child, their individual parent, and their individual environment. I had bought into the myth that we can use a cookie-cutter approach to parenting, a one-size-fits-all style of parenting. Sure, there are broad truths for parenting, but there are also nuances specific to every child and every family. We need to learn about our children and their uniqueness to most effectively parent.

There are several other parenting myths that hinder our efforts at raising our children. We need to identify these myths and get rid of them in our families. When we do, our efforts at parenting will have greater effectiveness and our children will more joyfully mature. Here are four myths we need to replace with truth.

  • Myth #1: My child needs to respect me because I’m their parent; but I will respect them when they earn it. On the contrary, our children learn the meaning of respect and how to respect others by witnessing how we respect them and others. They will treat us with a level of respect similar to the respect we give them. (See The Power of a Father’s Example for more.)
  • Myth #2: If I don’t yell, my children won’t listen. Two things to consider. One, yelling is ineffective. Two, listening is a learned behavior. Too often parents teach their children to not listen until they yell. They have taught their children to not take them seriously unless they yell. You can encourage listening by calmly following through on consequences rather than repeating and nagging until you blow up and yell. Teach your children to listen before you get angry.
  • Myth #3: My children should obey me just because I said so. Actually, this leaves children with no understanding of the intent and motive behind the rule. When we teach our children the reasons behind the rules we enforce, they gain a reference point—a guiding star for future choices they will make as they mature and we aren’t around to tell them what to do. In other words, learning the reasons behind the rules gives our children the tools to make wise choices.
  • Myth #4: My parents did it this way and I turned out okay. Thank God you turned out okay. But should we repeat every choice and behavior our parents made? Do we want our children to simply turn out okay? Instead of simply repeating what our parents did, we need to parent wisely. We can repeat the positive aspects of our parents’ discipline and recognize the negative aspects of their parenting efforts so we can “do it differently.”  For instance, we can continue to celebrate our children’s birthdays with a special meal but stop the excessive drinking (getting drunk) at that celebration. We can enjoy playing catch with our children without resorting to belittling name-calling when they exhibit undeveloped skills. You get the idea. Parent wisely, not simply mimicking our parents’ style but improving upon their parenting style so our children can be “better than okay.”

Someday our children will be raising their own children. I hope they will have experienced the love and nurturance from us that will allow them to improve on our parenting. And I hope they will not even have to deal with the four myths that you have already replaced with truth.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , ,

Don’t Squelch Your Little Creative Genius

Posted on by Leave a comment

Children are born creative geniuses. At least that’s what a study by George Landis of NASA discovered (Learn more about that study in this TedTalk). He had developed a test for NASA to determine the creativity of job applicants. As they gave it to job applicants, questions arose—like, “Where does creativity come from?” and “Are we born creative, or do we learn creativity?” In an attempt to get some answers to these questions, they utilized this test of creativity to discover the level of creativity in children.  

  • They tested 1,600 children (4- to 5-years of age) and found that 98% fell into the category of creative genius.
  • They then tested the same children 5 years later (at about 10-years of age). The percentage who tested in the genius category of imagination fell to 30%.
  • Again, the children were tested at 15-years of age. The percentage fell to 12%.
  • They also gave the test to about 2,800 adults and found the percentage of adults falling into the category of genius was only 2%.

How discouraging is that? The creativity of a person seemed to decrease over time. The authors of this study believe this decline occurred because we teach our children to judge and criticize ideas before dreaming or generating new ideas, even instead of dreaming or generating new ideas. We teach them to seek the “one right answer,” even for new problems that arise. In doing so, we silence the creative idea generating parts of our brain.

We face many “new” problems in our world today, problems ranging from technology to social relationships to environmental needs. In other words, creativity could prove a valuable asset in our world. Fortunately, we are all born with a streak of creative genius. For the sake of our world and our happiness, we need our children to flourish as creative geniuses as they mature. We need them to maintain their creative flare so they can meet the challenges of this world with various solutions…and we need our own 5-year-old creative genius to reemerge and help us to start our families on a new and creative path of solutions to the challenges we face today. How can we do this?

  • Create opportunities for creative expression. Allow your children the opportunity to engage in creative activities and creative problem-solving.
  • Stop and listen to creative moments that naturally arise. When your child offers a suggestion or a possible solution to some problem, stop and listen. Even if it sounds outlandish at first, stop and consider the possibility. Rather than judge or criticize, talk about their thoughts and ideas. Talk through the possibilities with them. When your child creates an art project, observe it and recognize a particular aspect you like or find interesting rather than judge and criticize. Who cares if the sky is green or the fish have wings? Allow creative expression and exploration. You will be pleasantly surprised by your child’s creative reasoning.
  • Encourage a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. You can do this by acknowledging effort more than outcome. Recognize specific details about their work rather than offering global praises and acknowledgments. Avoid labeling your child as “creative” or “not creative.” Rather than label, simply acknowledge their effort and the interesting details of their project.
  • Also, frame “failures” and “setbacks” as opportunities to learn. This also contributes to a growth mindset. Besides, when you think about it, creativity is all about learning from what doesn’t work and applying what you learn in a new way to discover a new solution. Allow your children the joy of failures and setbacks along with the opportunities to learn from them.  
  • Play. Have fun and play. You might even make up the game if you don’t have one in mind already. You can also enjoy playing with words by telling jokes or stories. Play with music by singing or playing an instrument. Even make an instrument. Play catch. Play a sport. Play slow motion tag. Play anything you like…just play and have fun.
  • Encourage curiosity. Travel. Try a new food. Go to an art museum. Play a new game. Enjoy new and novel activities. All of this will encourage curiosity.

Creativity adds joy to life. Creativity supports resilience and perseverance. Creativity opens the door to creating a better world for our children and grandchildren. Nurture your creativity and your children’s creativity…it will make the world a better place.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , , , ,

The Impact on Your Child of How You Feel About Their Other Parent

Posted on by Leave a comment

It’s true. Mothers and fathers often have different ideas about raising children. They come to the parenting relationship with different styles and even different priorities, all of which can be negotiated through discussions and compromise.  In fact, it’s important to work out those differences because how one parent sees the other parent’s level of cooperation and competence has a huge impact on their child’s behavior and future social relations.  

A study out of The Ohio State University revealed that the way parents viewed their coparent played a crucial role in the behavioral and social adjustment of their children. This study involved 2,915 low-income couples with children under 5-years-old and living in one of seven U.S. states. At the start of the study, parents were asked how they related to one another as parents. In other words, they were asked about their coparenting relationship. Their answers led the research team to separate them into four groups:

  • Group 1: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “highly positive.” This group made up 43% of the total.
  • Group 2: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the mothers were less positive about the father’s parenting. This group made up 32% of the total.
  • Group 3: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as “moderately positive,” but the fathers were less positive about the mother’s parenting. This group comprised 16% of the total.
  • Group 4: Both parents saw their coparenting relationship as being of “low quality.” Fortunately, this group comprised only 9% of the total.

Eighteen months later, the parents were asked to rate their children’s behavioral adjustment and social competence.  Not surprisingly, the children of parents who both reported having a “highly positive” coparenting relationship (Group 1) showed the best adjustment. They exhibited the fewest behavioral problems and the highest level of social competence.  Group 2 also showed a high level of adjustment—fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence.

The final two groups showed the lowest levels of adjustment. Interesting, a father’s negative perception of the mother’s coparenting (Group 3) had a greater negative impact on children’s behavior and social competence than a mother’s negative perception of a father’s coparenting (Group 2). Of course, when both parents reported a poor coparenting relationship, the children struggled the most with behavioral adjustment and social competence.

With this in mind, if you want your child to have fewer behavioral problems and greater social competence, focus on nurturing a strong coparenting relationship with their other parent.

  • Accept differences. You will have different ideas and styles than your children’s other parent. Most of those differences will be minor. For instance, fathers tend to engage in more rough and tumble play. Mothers tend to offer more nurturance. Fathers encourage “shaking it off.” Mothers tend to comfort first. In my marriage, I tend to be the one willing to get dessert or a special treat as part of our “get together.” My wife enjoys a more interactive engagement without food. Accept those differences. Allow the other parent the freedom to parent slightly differently than you.
  • Discuss and negotiate aspects you deem most important. You will discover some areas of parental responsibility that you believe essential. Talk with the other parent about those areas of parenting. Explain your reasons and your concerns. Negotiate. Listen. Compromise.
  • Provide opportunities for your child to connect with their other parent. Let both parents enjoy one-on-one time with each child as well as periods of time in which each parent has sole responsibility for all the children. We not only connect through the fun experiences but through the daily chores of parenting—changing diapers, doing household chores together, engaging in activities together, and even running errands together.
  • Never “bad mouth” your child’s other parent. No name-calling, undermining, or demeaning. Encourage your children to respect and honor their other parent through your example as well as your instruction.
  • Keep your child’s other parent up-to-date. Communicate appointments and activities. Share information about physical changes or needs, friends, and community involvement.
  • Disagree in private. You will inevitably have disagreements with the other parent. When you do, wait until you are alone with them before discussing the disagreement. Ask them about their perception, intent, and motive rather than jumping to a negative assumption. After hearing their intent and motives, explain your concerns. Listen. Negotiate. Compromise.
  • Discipline together. Don’t leave the discipline to one parent. Both parents need to assist in discipline. Support one another in discipline. If you disagree, disagree in private. Your children will benefit from seeing you and their other parent working together for their good.
  • Communicate. Listen. Express yourself. Listen. Communicate.

These practices will help you nurture a positive relationship with your children’s other parent. That strong coparenting relationship will help decrease your children’s behavioral problems. It will also increase their social competence. Those two outcomes are well worth nurturing a positive coparenting relationship.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with , ,
« Older Entries Recent Entries »