Jean Twenge describes two scenarios for parents to consider:

1. Your 10-year-old son approaches you to make a request. “Mom, Dad, can I have $1,000 to buy this new toy? All the other kids have one. Plus, I need $40 a month to keep it going. But it will help me keep up with my friends, talking with them and playing with them. It will also help you keep track of me. (Oh, by the way, I will devote all my time and attention to this new toy.)” What would you do?
2. Your 12-year-old daughter tells you, “I just printed out hundreds of pictures of myself so I can post them in school, around town, and anywhere we go on vacation this year so my classmates and anyone else in those spaces can see them. I’ve figured out a way for them to let me know how they think I look, rating my appearance and my picture. I can use their feedback to improve my life.” What would you do?

Stated that way, most of us have no problem saying, “No way” and putting an immediate stop to the potential damage that such behaviors could cause. However, when we give our children smartphones, we have essentially said “Yes” to both scenarios. Smartphones have made these scenarios all too common and much more complicated for parents to respond to and deal with. So, what’s a parent to do? Let me suggest three principles, none of which directly address the smartphone, but they will build an environment that will contribute to effective smartphone management.

1. First, nurture a warm, supportive relationship with your children. Our children will more easily accept limits and boundaries when they already have a warm, supportive relationship with us. Enjoy time with your children. Engage your children in play activities. Listen to your children and talk with them. Support their interests and activities. This warm, supportive relationship requires us to invest time in our children’s lives. The relationship that flows from this becomes the foundation from which we can instill healthy limits and values in their lives.
2. Second, establish clear, age-appropriate boundaries and rules. After setting the limits, enforce them consistently and lovingly. Recognize that limits provide safety and security for our children. Limits also express our love for our children. They are an expression of loving grace that protects them from situations and struggles for which they do not yet possess the necessary emotional and experiential knowledge to manage. Be prepared to explain how this limit protects and, as your child matures, be prepared to allow the limit to evolve.
3. Third, keep your eye on the long-term goal. Remember, the goal of parenting is not for your child to experience happiness right now, but to experience joy for a lifetime. The goal is not just to “keep the peace” in the moment but for your child to learn how to build healthy relationships, to develop the ability to manage their behaviors and emotions independently, and to mature into a responsible and considerate adult. We want them to grow in competence, resilience, and love. This is a long-term goal, not a short-term expediency. Keep your eye on the long-term goal.

Whether dealing with smartphones or chores, keep these three principles in mind. Parenting decisions will still prove challenging at times, but when we make those decisions with these three principles in mind, we will enjoy better family relationships and move our children toward mature adulthood.