Children are voracious learnings. They even learn lessons from us that we don’t want them to learn. Let me share a few examples I’ve seen over the years.

• A child asks their parents for a treat at the store. The parents say “no,” but their child continues to ask. With each repeated request, the parents become irritated, agitated. Finally, they grab the requested item and hand it to their child saying, “There. Now quit nagging.” What did their child learn? “If I nag long enough, my parents will give in to my desires.” They learned nagging works and they will continue to utilize the skill.
• Similarly, a child begins to cry, even throws a tantrum when their parent refuses their request in the store. The parent, embarrassed at this display in a public place, grabs the requested item and gives it to their child. Once again, their child learns that their parents give in when “I tantrum” or when they feel embarrassed in public. They’ve learned a new strategy to get what they want.
• A parent asks their child to do something. The child seemingly ignores their parent’s request. The parents ask a second time and a third time, getting more agitated with each request. The fourth time making the request, the parents speak with an agitated, firm voice and name a potential consequence for not obeying. This time, the child responds. What did this parent teach their child? That they don’t have to listen to the first, second, or third request. They can continue doing whatever they want until the parent is serious—at least the fourth request.
• One more. A child looks at the food on their dinner plate and says, “Aww, I don’t like this.” Wanting to make sure their child gets enough to eat, the child’s parents ask them what they want. Maybe it’s chicken nuggets or spaghetti or a PBJ sandwich. Their parents then take the time to make that “special meal” for their child. What has the child learned? “I don’t have to eat what is set before me. I can get my parents to make me something else. The world revolves around my individual desires.” And, the child’s diet shrinks to a few items they enjoy—nuggets, noodles, pizza.

No parent wants to teach their child that nagging or throwing a tantrum will help them “get their way.” We don’t want our children to believe they can wait until the third or fourth time we ask them to do something before they respond or that the world will serve their individual desires. What lessons do we want our children to learn in these situations? And how can we, as parents, intentionally teach these lessons?

• Ignore nagging. No need to yell or fuss or cajole. Simply ignore their nagging. Talk about something else. Leave the store. Let them experience you and the healthy limits set as stronger than their nagging. 
• Ignore the tantrum behavior. Stand strong in the face of embarrassment. Once again, leave the store if necessary. You are more than the embarrassment you might feel for the moment and more resolved than their tantrum behavior. In both instances, your children learn that healthy limits are lovingly enforced and not subject to change based merely on negative behavior.
• Get your child’s attention and ask once. If your child does not respond to the first request, get up and walk to their side. Put a hand gently on their shoulder and ask them to look at you. Then ask them what you had requested of them. If they tell you, ask them to do it nw. If they “don’t know,” repeat it while you have their full attention. If they don’t do it, enact a consequence. Once again, no yelling or belittling. Simply make sure you have your child’s attention before making the request. Then offering a simple consequence if they do not follow through. Your child will learn to listen and respond more immediately. They will know you “mean business” the first time. And you’ll save both of you and your child a lot of frustration.
• Teach children the art and power of politeness. If a child doesn’t like what is given on their plate, remind them that someone took the time to prepare that meal and it is impolite to simply say they don’t like it and refuse to eat it. Explain that this is the meal the whole family is eating and they can eat it as well. Give them only a small portion if they don’t like it. They will get enough to make it to the next meal and learn the importance of politeness and accepting what we are given.

These examples simply show how we might teach our children lessons we don’t want them to learn. Hopefully, they inspire you to consider what behaviors you want your children to learn before your respond to their behaviors.