Have you ever found jealousy intruding into your life and mind? Everything in your marriage seems to be going great when suddenly, out of the blue, the dragon of jealousy raises its head. You find yourself envious of your spouse’s success or jealous of the attention and accolades your spouse receives. You don’t want to feel it. You want to celebrate with your spouse. But there it is…jealousy, spewing out flames of anger and sarcasm. The first impulse is to kill the jealousy, stuff it down and ignore it, hope it dies of neglect. But it won’t. The more you stuff it, the more it burns. Let me suggest a different response.

Take a deep breath to initiate a sacred pause. During the sacred pause, listen. Listen to your jealousy and hear what the message it whispers. It takes a sacred pause to hear the real intent behind the flames of jealousy, to accept and acknowledge the fear of losing what we value as precious. So, take a breath. Slow down. Sit in a sacred pause and listen to the message the dragon of jealousy brings.

As you do, you’ll hear the answer to the question, “What ignites your flames of jealousy?” Stories from your past often provide the kindling for the flames of jealousy. Here are some examples of stories from your past that can ignite the flames of jealousy.

• Times in which you were compared to others. For instance, perhaps your parents compared you to a sibling, asking you to behave like them. Or to a classmate who achieved better academically because they “worked harder” than you. Whether compared in a negative or positive way, these comparisons can create a vulnerability to jealousy or envy.
• Times in which those you loved and trusted were unavailable emotionally or physically. They may have been unavailable due to circumstances. They may have also been unavailable and neglectful unintentionally or unknowingly. They may have also been unavailable intentionally. Whatever the cause, this may have created a vulnerability to jealousy within you, a fear of being left alone because someone is unavailable due to circumstances, other relationships or activities, or simply because they have chosen to step away.
• Times in which your needs went unmet—intentionally, accidentally, or due to circumstances.

Such stories from your past may give rise to fears and vulnerabilities that can spark and exacerbate the flames of jealousy and envy in the present. When you take a sacred pause and listen to the dragon of jealousy, you discover if any of these stories from your past ignite your jealousy. Then you can address the source with another sacred pause.

• Take a sacred pause to differentiate the “past story” from your “current situation.” Note the difference between “then” and “now.” Explicitly identify the difference between the people involved in your history and the person involved in your present life.
• Consider the evidence. Recall times of enjoyment you have had with your spouse in the past, times for which you are grateful. Take a sacred pause to recall times of joy and fun with your spouse, times of increasing intimacy and shared vulnerability. 
• Talk to your spouse and explain your vulnerability. It is challenging to be vulnerable with your spouse; but it can increase understanding and intimacy in your relationship. Take the challenge. Get vulnerable and share your story with your spouse. You may find yourself surprised at the increased intimacy and understanding it creates in your relationship.