A saboteur is attempting to kidnap the thought life of our children and shape the way they think about ourselves and others. This saboteur has become so pervasive that we often don’t even recognize it. It has infiltrated the media and our thinking with a message that damages our children and their ability to manage their emotions. You may think I’m overly dramatic. But I don’t think so. I do have good news though. You can counter the impact of this saboteur on both your children and yourself by becoming your children’s advocate and confidante. Let me explain.

We constantly hear and see messages about our personal inadequacies. Advertisements and marketing premise their strategies upon providing what they tell us we lack in our lives. They tell us what “we lack,” whether true or not, to create a market for their product. They give voice to the idea that we lack the ability (the agency) to address our needs independent of their product, that we need their product to make our lives better—that we “need” the upgraded phone, the better car, the nicer clothes, the right pill… to become the person we want to be. If we don’t address the misinformation of advertisement, that message becomes part of our children’s thinking. “I’m not strong enough, smart enough, good enough” to meet my own needs and become “my best self.”  

Unfortunately, this message can get reinforced by the priorities we inadvertently communicate to our children. For instance, when we focus more on our children’s grades and achievement than we do on their effort, we run the risk of reinforcing self-demeaning messages like “I’m just not smart enough” or “I can’t do it” or “I’m stupid.”

Habitually disregarding our children because we’re busy or preoccupied also reinforce these self-defeating messages. Or when, in the process of disciplining our children, we accuse them of “being lazy,” “cocky,” “not dressing nice enough,” “not doing as well as one of their peers,” or any host of other potential statements implying that they have not met some standard of achievement, we have inadvertently reinforced this negative thinking.

All of this becomes part of our children’s internal self-talk, the internal script directing their emotions, confidence, and willingness to act. It combines to become an internal self-saboteur shouting self-criticisms like “I’m fat,” “I’m not good enough,” “I’m weak,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m inadequate,” “I’m… (you add in the words).” 

While our children ruminate on these self-defeating statements, society adds the messages that “big boys don’t cry,” “don’t be a sissy,” “don’t bother other people with your troubles,” “don’t be weak,” “don’t tell people how you feel.” Such messages encourage our children to hide their true feelings, ruminate on self-defeating thoughts without input, and suffer in silence. All in all, it’s a recipe for disaster, a recipe producing emotional dysregulation, a plummeting self-image, and a sense of helplessness.

But there is good news. You can counteract this saboteur. You can become your children’s advocate and confidante by nurturing a healthy self-image and healthy emotional coping skills. How?

• Model healthy self-talk. I know, we usually talk silently to ourselves. I suggest you let your self-talk rise to the surface and become vocal on occasion. Let your children hear your self-talk from time to time. This can accomplish two great goals. One, it will make you more aware of your own self-talk; and two, it will help you take the time to make sure your self-messaging is actually healthy. For instance, you may find yourself silently saying, “What an idiot” when you do something that makes you “look bad,” something clumsy or absent-minded for example. You don’t want to model saying that out loud. Instead, recognize the thought and then change it to a more accurate statement of fact. Say that accurate statement out loud: “Wow, that was absent-minded. I better slow down,” or “Oops, I spilled my drink. Accidents happen. Better clean it up.” You’ll find that your thinking becomes healthier and your children’s thinking will become healthier as they follow your example.
• Talk about messages heard and seen on media platforms. When advertisements show up, discuss the implicit message they communicate. Talk about whether it is really necessary to have the right brand of clothing to be a person of character, the perfect earbuds to look cool, or the right pill to manage performance. Use the advertisement to initiate a conversation about the real values of your family: effort over achievement, honesty over accomplishment, kindness over victory, authenticity and integrity over self-promotion and dishonesty, encouragement over denigrating and teasing. You get the idea. Instill in your children’s minds the real values that you want to nurture in their self-talk: “I’m striving to be a kind person, an honest person, a compassionate person, a loving person.” And “how will my actions reveal the character I want to develop?”
• Talk about emotions. Make sure your children know that they can talk about their emotions—the good, the bad, or the ugly ones—with you. All emotions are valid. All emotions can be talked about. Together, you can learn how to manage emotions, express them in healthy ways, and respond to them in a healthy and effective manner.

Mr. Rogers is quoted as saying: “It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to.” The three actions above can help us nurture children of strength, children who can manage their emotions—the good, the bad, and the ugly ones—in healthy ways.