Sounds like an obvious statement, doesn’t it? For a better marriage, argue less. But that doesn’t mean that you need to forfeit your happiness and just let your needs and opinions remain unspoken and unmet. Sometimes you need to speak up about something. After all, shut up and put up will destroy your marriage. There are times when you need to address disagreements for the betterment of your marriage. Still, choose your battles wisely. Some things just aren’t worth the energy. It’s important to differentiate between issues that merit the energy of a potential argument (like disrespect) and those that represent simple quirky differences (like how to load the dishwasher). Choose your battles wisely and you may find yourself in fewer unproductive arguments and a healthier marriage.

Be quick to hear and slow to speak. If you want to reduce arguing in your marriage, listen. Talk less and listen more. Become genuinely curious about your spouse’s beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Recognize that they have a valid point of view, a valid perspective, and listen intently to understand that perspective. Listen so that you not only understand their perspective, but you also understand the rationale, belief, and intent behind their perspective. When your spouse feels listened to and understood, they feel valued, even if you still disagree. You may also find that their perspective isn’t really that different than your perspective; OR, after listening intently, you may find yourself accepting their position. Either way, you’ve reduced the arguing and increased your spouse’s sense of value. You’ve created a better, healthier marriage.

Enjoy time connecting with your spouse. Go for a walk. Talk about your day. Watch a show together. Read a book together and talk about it as you go. Take time to connect through play, laughter, conversation, and leisure activities. Dream together, plan vacations and other activities together. These actions provide you with the opportunities to converse about your individual lives and your lives together. They build connection between you and your spouse. The more connected you and your spouse feel, the less insecure you will feel. The less insecure you feel, the less you will argue…and the better your marriage will become.

Don’t forget your love. Again, it sounds obvious, but couples often lose sight of what attracted them to their spouse in the first place. They lose sight of the joys they have had together, the support they have received from one another, the admiration they have for one another. So, spend time reminiscing about your times together. Recall times of joy and fun as well as times in which you have weathered the storms of life with one another’s support. Remember what you admire about your spouse and remind them that you admire those traits in them.

Do you want a better marriage? Then argue less. When you engage in the four actions above, you will grow more intimate in your marriage. You will argue less and you will enjoy a better marriage.