When our children are young, we often ask them, “What do you say?” Really, there are two scenarios that prompt parents to ask this question. One, when our children receive something from someone else and they forget to say “thank you,” we remind them. “What do you say?” Hopefully they learn to offer thanks to the giver. “Thank you.”  The second situation arises when our children ask for something. “What do you say?” In this scenario, we reinforce politeness and encourage them to make their request with a polite “please” attached.

A study from the University of California, however, suggests asking “what do you say?” may lead to a different result, especially in regard to the request to say “please.” In this study, researchers observed naturally occurring conversations and interactions over a 17-hour period in an informal setting like people’s homes, workplaces, and outdoor areas. Here’s the finding that surprised me most. Out of more than a thousand “request attempts” observed, “please” was only used 69 times. That’s only 7% of the time. And the people utilizing the polite addition of a “please” tended to do so for reasons other than politeness. Specifically, half the instances occurred when the person was repeating the request after having been told “no” or ignored at least once already. Other times a person said “please” when asking the person to do something that was incompatible with what they were already doing. For instance, the authors noted one example in which a man asked his spouse to make soup stock when she was busy washing baby bottles.

Think of that. Please was stated only 69 times out of more than a thousand requests…and even then, it was for the sake of expedience, not true politeness. It was strategic, a means to an end. But “please” is more important than simple expedience. When said with the proper attitude, it is powerful. Apparently, it might even be revolutionary because of its rarity. What makes “please” so powerful?

• Saying “please” acknowledges that we are asking something of another person. They do not have to do it but we are asking them to. It is humbling to express a need. Saying please also expresses our appreciation for their consideration of complying with our request.
• Saying “please” communicates respect. When we ask someone to do something for us, we often know they don’t “have to do it.” We are asking them to do it as a favor, a kindness. Saying “please” communicates respect for the other person, the same respect we are asking of them when we ask them to do us a kindness.
• Saying “please” expresses how much we value the other person and our relationship with them.  Asking someone to do something without saying “please” makes the request more like an order. It sets up a hierarchy in which we claim the upper hand, the higher level. Saying “please” puts us on a more equal level. It expresses our respect and value for the other person’s worth.
• Saying “please” acknowledges the other person’s agency, their busy schedule, and their freedom to choose. It acknowledges that we are asking them to sacrifice their time and energy (even if it is a miniscule amount) to follow through with our request.

Maybe I’m making too much of a simple “please,” but I don’t think so. Our communities could use a little more politeness, simple words that flow from a heart overflowing with respect, honoring the other person, and acknowledging the sacrifice we are asking of them. From this position, we will likely experience a greater sense of gratitude as well. Yes, our communities could really use more of this. And family is a wonderful training ground for instilling an attitude of respect, honor, value, and awareness. Start training your family today by modeling it yourself.