Archive for November 26, 2016

Family Wisdom from the Rolling Stones

Behaviors and traits have consequences in our lives. Everyone knows that. That’s why we discipline and guide our children in developing traits and behaviors that will bring them the greatest success and happiness. Through discipline, we steer our children away from several negative traits, such as entitlement…and for good reason. Researchers have recently mapped out the pathway from entitlement…and it doesn’t end well. In fact, the pathway leading from entitlement begins with chronic disappointment…and goes downhill from there. (Read Entitlement May Lead to Chronic Disappointment for more) When a person believes themselves better and more deserving than others (entitled), they enter a spiral of habitual behavior leaving them “frustrated, unhappy and disappointed with life.”

  1. Mother And Son Doing LaundryFirst, entitlement creates feelings of disappointment. Entitled people have expectations that they deserve more than others. As a result, their expectations often remain unmet. After all, life is hard. In the words of the Rolling Stones, “You can’t always get what you want.” Entitlement leads to disappointment in response to these unmet expectations and life’s hard knocks.
  2. Disappointment can lead to dissatisfaction and negative, even volatile, emotions like anger. Entitled people feel like they are not getting the good things they deserve, the good things to which they are entitled. Once again, “you can’t always get what you want….” In anger at not having their sense of entitlement satisfied, they lash out at others verbally or physically. Of course, this pushes people away. The entitled person may suffer the pain of rejection and isolation along with their disappointment.
  3. To escape the pain of these negative emotions, entitled people reassure themselves of their specialness. They reinforce their feelings of superiority, bringing temporary relief from the disappointment and other negative emotions. Unfortunately, it is only a matter of time until they return to step #1 and begin the cycle again.

As you can imagine, a sense of entitlement can make your children miserable; a sense of entitlement can make your family life miserable. Who wants to live in a home filled with entitled people constantly experiencing disappointment and anger in response to perceived unmet expectations of superiority and deserving? Not me. We want a family filled with non-entitled people.  What can we do to limit a sense of entitlement in our families? Begin with the Rolling Stones by teaching, “You can’t always get what you want….” Then, add these three ideas into the mix:

  • Practice gratitude. It’s difficult to feel chronic disappointment while noticing all the good things people do around us. And, a grateful person gains the realization that other people and their contributions are important…maybe even more important than the “almighty me.” Begin practicing gratitude in your family by modeling it. Take time to notice what other family members do for you and your home. When you notice it, acknowledge it. Let “thank you” and “I appreciate your help” become common phrases in your household.
  • Recognize and reward humility. You can encourage humility by modeling it. One way to model humility is by expressing gratitude. You can also encourage humility by serving. Serve one another. Offer to get your spouse or child a drink when you go to the kitchen during commercials. Help clean the house. Willingly do the “dirty jobs” around the house with a smile. Ask for help when you need it. Allow others to serve by asking ask for help even when you don’t necessarily need it. Serve those outside the family as well. Feed the homeless. Visit a nursing home. Shovel the neighbor’s driveway. You get the idea. Gratitude and service contribute to humility. Humility negates entitlement.
  • Praise effort and hard work. Success and opportunity arise from hard work, not because we are entitled. Accomplishment and recognition result from effort, not our entitlement. Recognize your family members’ effort and acknowledge that effort. Even when that effort has not led to public reward, praise the effort. Let effort and hard work become its own reward.

These three practices will help your family learn the rest of the wisdom from the Rolling Stones: “You can’t always get what you want…but if you try sometimes, you might just find, you get what you need!”

“You Complete Me” Kills a Marriage

At least two quotes came out of the movie Jerry Maguire (1996): “Show me the money” and “You complete me.”

I wouldn’t mind if someone took the time to “show me the money.” Better yet, hand me the money.  I’m glad to work for it, but I still want someone to “show me the money.”

The second quote raises more serious questions for me.  “You complete me” is NOT the basis of a healthy relationship. “You complete me” sounds like I’m half a person without my spouse…that only my spouse can make me whole, meet my needs, and help me grow. “You complete me” raises expectations that my spouse and I must think alike, behave alike, hold the same opinions, and dream the same dreams. Preferably those dreams will be mine and you will simply “complete them.” Think about it. If my spouse completes me, I am incomplete on my own. I will expect, even demand, my spouse:

  • Always be there to listen to me and comfort me when I am sad or upset,
  • Always want to have sex as often as I want and every time I want it,
  • Always appreciate me and never get angry with me
  • Always be available and attentive to my every need,
  • After all, “you complete me.” I’m incomplete without you. You are an extension of me. In fact, there is no room for individuality. We are one!

As you can image, “you complete me” can easily lead to feeling trapped. “You complete me” also attempts to change the other person so they can make me more complete. “You complete me” will blame others for my incompleteness and eventually lose interest in one who does not do what I want.

Great marriages are not about addition in which two halves add up to make a complete whole. Great marriages are about multiplication in which two individuals choose to become one.

Let me explain. Two people who are “half way mature” do NOT make a whole mature relationship, but a QUARTER of a relationship. In other words, .5 X .5 = .25.

Only two individuals who have reached independent maturity make a whole mature, healthy relationship. In other words, only 1 X 1 = 1.

Mature adults in healthy marriages each have their own lives.

  • They accept personal responsibility for their decisions and emotions. They do not cast blame on others for decisions that go wrong or for negative emotions they experience. Instead, they take action to correct their decisions or manage their emotions.
  • They have friends who support them and their marriages. They know how to develop friendships and they enjoy time with friends.
  • They have dreams and aspirations. They share their dreams with one another. They also take the initiative to work toward those dreams and support their spouse in reaching his/her dreams together.
  • They accept their strengths and weaknesses. They utilize their strengths to compensate for their weaknesses and even make improvement in areas of weakness.
  • They are relationally comfortable in their own skin, warts and all.

So if you want a truly healthy marriage, become more mature as an individual. Learn to manage your life. Develop your interests. Share your maturing self with your spouse. Your marriage will grow more intimate as you do. Paradoxically, the more mature you become as an individual, the more intimate and secure you can become as an adult.

Why Family Honor?

Honor is an important ingredient in a healthy family. Many of the blogs I’ve written deal with honor in one form or another…and rightfully so. Honor simplifies life. It establishes a family environment that benefits every member of the family.  Consider just these four ways that honor benefits a family.

  • Father and daughter in Christmas crownsHonor simplifies life by allowing us to relax in our trust of one another’s faithfulness. We honor our family members by living an honorable life. An honorable person keeps their word. They are faithful and trustworthy. Living within a family we can trust allows us to relax. We know promises will be kept and relationships maintained.
  • Honor simplifies life by allowing us to rest in the security of our relationships. Families filled with honor value one another. They place each other’s needs above their own. They remain committed to family and invested in providing the best for other family members.  As a result, relationships grow stronger. Intimacy grows. Each person rests secure in relationship, even during times of disagreement.
  • Honor simplifies life by allowing us to walk in the freedom and openness of the truth. We honor one another by living a truthful life. An honorable life is an honest life. When a family practices honesty, the whole family lives in the freedom of the truth. Conflict is recognized, addressed, and resolved more quickly and compassionately. There are no hidden agendas, resentments, or secrets to fear. Living in the truth allows family members to trust one another. Each person knows the freedom of being truly known (not hiding any part of themselves) and still fully accepted.
  • Honor simplifies life by allowing us to celebrate the joy of lifting one another up with our words. We honor one another with encouraging words. A family filled with honor uses words to encourage, build up, and strengthen one another.

It Ends Like It Begins…The Big BUT

Do you have a complaint about your spouse? Are the kids driving you crazy? Do you ever feel the need to talk with a family member about his or her irritating behavior, hurtful 馬鹿にするビジネスマンwords, or lack of consideration? Great idea; do it! Talking leads to resolution and a stronger relationship; BUT (and this is a BIG BUT) remember…how you begin the conversation is probably how the conversation will end. In fact, family researcher John Gottman, PHD, suggests that the first three minutes of a conversation not only indicate how the conversation will end but impacts the health of your long-term marriage, even predicting who will be married in six years times (Read Predicting Divorce From the First Three Minutes of Conflict Discussion for more). Scripture refers to this principle as reaping what we sow (Galatians 6:7-9). It’s true in our family conversations:

  • If we sow blame at the start the conversation, we will reap defensiveness.
  • If we sow accusations at the start the conversation, we will reap more counter-accusations.
  • If we sow verbal attacks at the start the conversation, we will reap verbal attacks in return.
  • If we sow judgments at the start of the conversation, we will reap “well you…” and more negative comments. (“I’m not a puppet, you’re the puppet.”)

On the other hand…

  • If we sow an acknowledgement of positive actions done in the past, we reap gratitude and more positive acknowledgements.
  • If we sow recognition of positive intent, we reap thoughtful discussion about ways to act on that intent.
  • If we sow politeness at the start of the conversation, we will reap politeness in return.
  • If we sow appreciation at the start of the conversation, we will reap open ears and further appreciation.
  • If we sow positive solutions in the conversation, we will reap cooperation and mutual problem solving.
  • If we sow an acknowledgement of our personal responsibility in the situation causing stress, we will more likely reap an acknowledgement from the other person of their responsibility as well.

The fact is: we reap what we sow, even in family conversations. So, if you have a difficult subject you need to discuss with your spouse, parent, or child, take a deep breath and think. Think about the best way to start the conversation with grace, gentleness, acceptance of personal responsibility, and acknowledgement of love. After all, the conversation will end as it begins. The family you reap will grow from the seeds you sow.

3 Factors that Give Meaning to Your Teen’s Life

I had the opportunity to volunteer in a nursing home throughout my teen years. My father was a chaplain in the home and I would help “wheel” the residents to church or some other activity. I also had the opportunity to help at an inner city mission several times during my teens and early twenties. In a different vein, my family often went camping. We spent a week each summer living in a tent, swimming, fishing, building fires, and enjoying (most of the time) family adventures. Little did I know that these different teen experiences were contributing to a budding sense of identity and purpose in my life.

Cute Teenage Girl with Serious ExpressionLecturers at Stanford have identified three factors that come together to foster a sense of purpose in teens: a need in the world, a person’s skills and gifts, and what a person loves to do (Read Greater Good: 7 Ways to Help High Schoolers Find Purpose for more). Let’s take a closer look at these three factors and how we can use them to help our teens find meaning in their lives.

  • Skills and abilities. Our teens need the opportunity to explore various skills and abilities rather than getting pigeon-holed in the first activity they enjoy. They may enjoy music but be great at sports as well. Or, perhaps they show talent as an athlete but love to cook. Let them explore a variety of interests and skills. Recognizing their own abilities and interests will help them discover what gives meaning to their lives.

            As they explore their interests and abilities, allow them to experience failures and                 setbacks. Offer support while trusting your teen to survive these setbacks.                           Encourage your teen to learn from failures and teach them to see failure as an                     opportunity to grow. As they overcome setbacks and bounce back from moments of             failure, they come to better understand their potential and how it fits into the world             of need around them.

  • What your teen loves to do. As your teens explore their skills, talents, and abilities, they will discover things they love, things that inspire them. They will turn to these activities when they have no other demands on their time. These activities will light them up, bring them to life. Sometimes your teen will love an activity you don’t enjoy. You may hope they become an athlete and they take up theatre…or vice versa. Don’t hold them back. Be excited with them. Remember, you are helping them find purpose for their life not a way to live your
  • A need in the world. To gain a sense of purpose, teens need to connect their skills with a need around them. This demands a mature awareness of needs in the world around them. Parents can facilitate this awareness by providing opportunities to serve others. Scouting, volunteering, working in the community, or engaging in service activities will help build this awareness. Traveling, spending time in nature, and contemplation also help increase awareness of needs and how “my skills” may meet that need.

All three of these factors demand our teens have time to explore. It requires we provide them with opportunities to step away from the boring repetition of school, get off the treadmill of over-achievement, and experience the world from a new angle, to see the world with new eyes. The best part of all this: you get to spend time with your child in the exploration. You get to see their eyes light up with excitement as they try new things and discover what they love. You also get to develop a deeper understanding of your teen and a closer relationship with them in the process. Then you get to stand with pride as they actively engage the world in a meaningful way!

Your Nose Is Growing…& Your Brain Is Declining

Remember what the Blue Fairy told Pinocchio? She said, “A lie keeps growing and growing until it’s as plain as the nose on your face.” A research team from University College London recently observed that a lie also results in a declining response in our brains (Read more in How Lying Takes Our Brain Down a ‘Slippery Slope’). Specifically, they discovered the amygdala, a brain area associated with emotional response, reacted strongly when a person first lied for personal gain. However, with each subsequent lie, the amygdala response declined and the magnitude of the lie increased. In other words, one lie Dancing Marionetteset the person on a slippery slope. With each lie, the person lying experienced smaller and smaller negative emotional reactions in response to the lie. This seemed to allow the person to tell more lies and lies of greater significance. That is one slippery slope I want to keep my family off.  Unlike Pinocchio, I want to keep noses short and brains active in my family by promoting honesty…and here’s how to do it.

  • Model honesty. Whether you are speaking to your spouse, your child, or a friend, speak the truth in love. Our children follow our example more easily than they follow our teaching. So, model honesty.
  • Avoid setting your children up. Don’t ask questions that invite your children to lie, especially if you already know the answer. For instance, if you know your child did not take out the garbage, don’t ask “Did you take the garbage out?” If you already know they broke the dish, don’t ask “Did you break the dish?” Don’t invite the lie. Simply state the truth in love.
  • Reward honesty; discipline the lie. When your children tell the truth, acknowledge their honesty. Let them know how much you value their honesty and respect the courage it takes to state the truth. You may still have to discipline misbehavior. However, even while disciplining misbehavior, you can still acknowledge your children’s honesty. On the other hand, dishonesty may result in further discipline. After all, honesty betrays trust and damages relationship…which brings us to the last tip.
  • Teach the value of honesty. You can do this in a number of ways. Talk about a character in a story or movie and discuss how their honesty or lack of honesty affected them. You can talk to them about their own experiences or their friends’ experience of honesty or dishonesty as well. You may also discuss the role models of honesty such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, or other people you know from history or current times.

These four tips can promote honesty in your home…as well as shorter noses and more active brains. So remember, a lie is as plain as the nose on your face. Practice honesty.

Are You Robbing Your Child?

I noticed it first at Kennywood, a local amusement park near my home. A young boy (I would guess 6- or 7-years-old) stood in line with his father while waiting for a ride. The boy was desperately trying to gain his father’s attention. He hung on his father’s arm, pulled his father’s shirt, called out “Dad,” bumped into his father’s leg…all to no avail. His father gave him no attention. Instead, his father focused on a cell phone. I made this observation several years ago. Since that time, I have watched the same scenario in different settings time and time again. Now a small study has pointed to the potentially detrimental effects of parental cell phone use around young children (read Plugged-in Parenting: How Parental Smartphone Use May Affect Kids). This study suggests that cell phones command our Modern mobile phonesattention, even rob the attention we would otherwise give our children. Obviously, this will have detrimental effects on parents’ relationships with their children. Not surprisingly, this study suggests that the more parents use their cell phones around their young children:

  • The fewer verbal and nonverbal interactions the parents have with their children.
  • The more attention seeking their children becomes.
  • Parent-child conflicts increase.
  • Negative interactions increase…interactions like snapping at children.
  • The greater internal tension experienced by the parent.

What can you do to prevent the cell phone from robbing your attention from your children? Here are two tips to help.

  1. Limit time on the cell phone for the whole family. Set up “unplugged times” for your family. For instance, establish meal times, bed times, fun times, and other family times as “phone-free, unplugged times.” Spend these family times talking about the day, sharing ideas and memories, laughing together, and having fun. You’ll be surprised at the positive effect this can have on your marriage (Read A 30-Day Marriage Challenge) and other family relationships.
  2. Schedule times to check the news, texts, and your emails…times that do not interfere with family times. Take time to truly consider what notifications are absolutely necessary—those needed for true emergencies. News bulletins, Facebook notifications, and texts, for example, are not necessary on a moment by moment basis. Postpone accessing this type of information for a non-family time. Disconnect from the constant barrage of information to spend with your family. Turn off unnecessary notifications.

These are two simple tips you can follow to keep the cell phone from robbing your children of the attention they need from you! Disconnect from the cell phone, give your children the attention they need…and enjoy the way they grow!