Tag Archive for disagreement

Conflict & Your Family Tree

Posted on March 10, 2012 by John Salmon

All families have arguments and disagreements; no surprise there. After all, families are made up of people…“fallen” people with different ideas, different viewpoints, different weaknesses, different temperaments, different tastes, even different priorities. This leads to disagreements and, on our worst days, maybe even yelling and name-calling. But did you know that those disagreements, arguments, and fights prepare the soil of our hearts for an orchard? That’s right, whether they escalate or not, disagreements and arguments lead to hard feelings…and those feelings are like seeds waiting to be sown in the soil of our hearts.

 

When I encounter an argument, a disagreement, or some conflict with a family member, I face a choice. I can harbor those hard feelings. I can ruminate over things said in anger and sow seeds of resentment. I can assume the worst about my family and nurse feelings of bitterness that will eventually take root and branch out in anger and hostility toward everyone I meet. Seeds of bitterness grow into branches of resentment that filter how I see the world. Everything I see through the branches of resentment will only seem to justify my anger and support my bitterness. My relationships will suffer. Friends will begin to avoid me and my bitter sarcasm will push those who persist in relating to me away. In addition, research suggests that bitterness impacts our immune system and even organ functioning, leading to physical disease. In other words, my choice to harbor and sow seeds of bitterness and resentment will contribute to physical disease, relational sickness, and spiritual decay. Not the best choice.

 

My other choice is to sow seeds of forgiveness. Rather than blame the other person, I can accept responsibility for the part I played in the disagreement. Instead of focusing on the perceived hurt, I can recall seeds of blessing that I have received from family members in the past. When I want to plant seeds of bitterness, I can sow words of love, encouragement, and affection instead. Eventually, generations of kin will gather under the shade of forgiveness to celebrate family. The branches of forgiveness grow strong and children will enjoy climbing high into the tree to perceive the world from new heights and a clearer, more encompassing perspective. The exercise of climbing to new heights of forgiveness and experiencing ever increasing perspectives also strengthens our heart and nurtures our relationships. In fact, relationships thrive as families eat under the tree of forgiveness, feasting on the fruits of restored relationships, kindness, empathy, and love. These fruits of forgiveness enhance our immune system and calm our stress. In other words, my choice to forgive contributes to physical health, relational strength, and spiritual integrity.

 

I don’t know about you, but the choice seems clear. As for me and my house, we plant seeds of forgiveness. 

Posted in Celebration, Grace tagged with arguments, character, disagreement, encouragement, forgiveness, love

The End of the Family Argument

Posted on February 18, 2012 by John Salmon

I had one of those conversations yesterday. You know what I mean…one that ends in an argument and, when all is said and done, you’re not real sure what the fight was about. Half way into yesterday’s argument I thought, “We agree. Why are we fighting?” Even so, I continued to stress my point and my daughter continued to stress her point. I felt like the mother and daughter in this cell-phone commercial (click here to view) arguing with harsh statements of love. We both walked away frustrated and angry. Other than that, we accomplished nothing. It did make me think though…. How does this happen? And, more importantly, how can I prevent it from happening again?

 

First (and perhaps the hardest for me to learn), to prevent this from happening again I need to learn how to shut up and listen. We often get into these arguments when one of us believes he has something more important to say than the other person. If you find “yourself repeating yourself” time and time again, perhaps you are in this position. Step back, shut up, and listen…even if you have information of great importance and significance, “shut the mouth and open the ears.” Listen, don’t talk. Listening is the key. Listen to understand what the other person means. Repeat what you believe they mean to make sure you understand. Don’t even think about responding until the other person knows you understand them.

 

Second, look at the other person. I don’t mean to simply look in their direction. Slow down, soften your gaze, and really see them. What expression is on their face? Do they look angry, frustrated, tired, confused, thoughtful, sad, or hurt? Take time to see their expression. Let that expression sink in. Allow yourself to empathize, to feel their emotion. Respond to that emotion. Apologize if they look angry. Offer comfort if they look hurt. Assure them that you did not intend to arouse negative emotion in them. Gottman calls such statements “repair statements” because they go a long way in repairing the conversation and the relationship. Slow down, look at the other person and gently respond to what you see.

 

Third, apologize when you mess up. Let’s face it, we all have moments when we end up arguing for no good reason. Maybe you felt a need to save face or prove the other person wrong. Or, maybe you felt so passionate about the topic that you quit listening and said something you feel now regret. Accept responsibility for your actions. Take the time to apologize. Doing so communicates how much you value the other person and your relationship with them. In addition, it moves you one step closer to avoiding the same mistake the next time.

 

Come to think of it, this all started with me trying to prove my point (a very important point, I might add) to my daughter.  I think I’ll go apologize now and find out what she was really trying to say. Happy talking!

Posted in Family Shepherds, Grace, Honor tagged with apology, arguments, disagreement, empathy, listen

Slaying the Monsters in Your Child’s Life

Posted on February 12, 2012 by John Salmon

Every day our children battle dragons and other mythical monsters. Boggarts, shape-shifters that assume the form of a child’s greatest fears and insecurities, dance in your children’s minds. They tower over your children, taking the form of personal failure, overwhelming schedules, rejecting peers, family instability, financial woes, or even death of a friend. Boggarts appear larger than life. They leave a child feeling inadequate and unable to deal with the towering fear that has taken shape in his or her mind.

 

Your child may also battle the giant bully monster. This giant monster towers over a child with bulging muscles, red anger-filled eyes, a forked tongue of ridicule and threats, and fists that can pulverize your child’s personal strength. Your child may encounter the giant bully monster in the community, in school, or on-line. This monster threatens your child’s confidence and can send them reeling into the legendary pit of emotional darkness, depression, and despair.

 

The most frightening monster of all may live right in your own home. That’s right…the two-headed-fighting-parents-monster can appear right in your living room and wreak havoc in your family’s castle. Although connected to the same body, the two heads of this monster agree on nothing. They constantly fight, call one another names, and verbally abuse each other. Because this monster resides in the home, it creates an atmosphere of insecurity for your child. As long as the two heads continue to yell, scream, and argue, your child will never feel safe. In addition, their loyalty to both heads will tear them apart, potentially leaving their heart torn to shreds.

 

Parents can help children slay these monsters. They serve as the protector and provider, the knight in shining armor rescuing their children from these monsters…even as they attack. How do we slay the monsters in our children’s lives? Here are three strategies that other parent-knights have found effective.

     ·         Remain present in your children’s lives. Stand with them…be physically, verbally, and emotionally present in their lives. Let them see you in the community, in the school, and in the home. Make your presence known to them in their technology. Text them. Email them. Call them. Friend them on Facebook. Establish a precedent from the very beginning that you, as a parent, have access to their Facebook, phone, and any other technological device so you can monitor what happens there. Assure them that you monitor these devices for their protection. Even offer examples of people who have encountered the giant bully monster and boggarts on-line. You are there to protect them from those monsters, even on-line. Let your children know they do not have to face any monster in their life alone. You are always ready to help!

     ·         Tame the two-headed-fighting-parents monster. Work with your spouse (the other head) to resolve arguments as they arise. Let your children witness the resolution in your spoken apologies and affectionate interactions with one another. If your children witnessed the two-headed-fighting-parents monster at its worst, you might even explain to them how you resolved the argument and assure them that you love each other. Children grow best when they know their parents have a stable, loving relationship. Allow them to witness your love for one another in how you speak to, touch, and support one another. If you experience significant trouble taming the two-headed-fighting-parents monster, seek counseling. Don’t wait until both heads are beaten and abused. By that time, your child is feeling the devastation of the battle. Get help. Learn how to resolve your differences and tame the two-headed-fighting-parents monster.

     ·         Spend time talking with your children so you can learn about the boggarts they live with, the fears and insecurities that take shape in their mind. Be open to hear about these fears. Listen closely to understand the fear. Accept that this fear is a real concern for your child, not just some childish fantasy they’ll get over. Acknowledge the bravery they exhibit in facing their fears. Encourage them by helping them recall other times they have successfully overcome fears. And, problem-solve with them. This may include planning ahead, breaking the boggart into smaller parts and tackling one issue at a time, identifying more resources, or any number of other solutions. By listening, acknowledging, encouraging, and problem-solving, you teach your child the skills necessary to slay any boggarts that arise in their life.

 

As you help slay the monsters in your children’s lives, they will be able to rest and relax in your home. They will rest in the assurance that you, their protector and provider, have made their home a safe haven in which they can find peace.

Posted in Family Shepherds tagged with apology, arguments, availability, community, confidence, disagreement, fear, parenting, security, time