John Gottman, PhD, describes four phases a marriage goes through as it falls apart. Each phase reflects a symptom of the disease of marital breakdown. And, fortunately, each phase has a solution, a remedy, an antidote.

In the first phase, the couple gets stuck in repeated arguments and conflicts. As many of these repetitive conflicts stem from disagreements on values, they pose a great threat to your marriage. For instance, differences in how to discipline and care for children or manage finances have the potential to become an intractable, ongoing, repeated conflict and argument that escalates.

The antidote, according to John Gottman, to these ongoing arguments is to stop trying to win the argument or make your spouse understand you. Instead, approach your spouse with curiosity and openness. Turn toward them with a genuine desire to understand their point of view. As you seek to understand the foundation of their core value, look for common ground. This will open the opportunity for compromise.

The second phase involves contempt. If a spouse does not listen with curiosity to understand their partner, their partner will begin to feel unheard and unvalued. As a result, the view of their spouse will begin to shift. They will begin to view their spouse in a negative light, as unwilling to listen, as selfish, and careless. Minor irritations will combine with resentment over not being heard and take on greater meaning than the small act giving rise to them would suggest. Not picking up a sock or not putting a dish in the dishwasher suddenly becomes an act stemming from selfishness, an unwillingness to listen to my needs…a character flaw. Positive qualities disappear from view. Even positive actions take on new, underhanded meanings as trust erodes. Positive times together disappear from memory…which brings us to the antidote for contempt.

Recall and discuss happy events from your past. Remember and discuss times in which you felt secure and happy together, past events in which you enjoyed spending time together. In addition, develop an environment of gratitude in your marriage. Intentionally seek out aspects of your spouse’s character and actions for which you can thank them. Knowing they cook dinner, thank them for cooking dinner and for the generosity and love that motivates them to cook dinner for the family. Thank them for going to work and for their work ethic. You get the idea. Offer thanks not just for their actions and words but for the positive character that motivates those actions and words.

The third phase arises in response to contempt. In an effort to protect oneself from the pain of contempt, spouses put up emotional walls of defensiveness. Expecting every disagreement to lead to overwhelming emotions of hurt and possible rejection, they become reactive and guarded, defensive of their every word and action. Emotional distance between the couple grows as arguments take on a familiar pattern of blame, defensiveness, and justification.

The antidote can prove challenging. Instead of blaming, denying, or countering, acknowledge your part in the conflict. Take responsibility for your actions and words and how they have contributed to the current conflict and the current state of your relationship.

The fourth phase is withdrawal and stonewalling. Spouses begin to drift apart emotionally, even intentionally pull apart, in an effort to protect themselves from further hurt. Rather than work through a disagreement or conflict, they choose to avoid it or remain silent about it. Unfortunately, this robs them of the opportunity to connect as well.

The antidote: learn to “self-soothe.” When you begin to feel overwhelmed in a conflict, learn to calm yourself down. This may mean taking a break and returning to the discussion when both parties have regained composure. This may involve taking a 20-minute break from the conflict to allow your physical arousal to subside and your mind to calm before addressing the issue at hand. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Relax. Couples benefit when they approach any disagreement or conflict with a calm body and mind. Learn to self-soothe.

Think of these antidotes for a moment.

• Turn toward one another with a genuine curiosity and openness to understand one another’s core values, motivations, and true intents.
• Recall and savor the positive times in your relationship, times in which you felt secure and connected with your spouse.
• Intentionally work to create an environment of gratitude, a relationship in which gratitude is openly acknowledged on a daily basis.
• Take responsibility for your actions and contribution to any conflict that arises. Part of taking responsibility will involve resolving your part in any conflict that arises and making changes to address your part in creating the current state of your relationship.
• Part of taking responsibility for your actions will also include learning to self-soothe. Your spouse cannot manage your emotions. You are responsible to manage your emotions, and your spouse is responsible for managing their emotions.

Putting these 5 antidotes into action in your marriage before a conflict arises actually offers not just an antidote but a vaccine to minimize the negative impact of any disagreement. They will build up your immunity to any marital conflict and provide a booster to joyous intimacy in your marriage.