What type of goals do you want your children to have as they become adults—extrinsic goals or Intrinsic goals? Extrinsic goals are goals that center around external rewards like wealth, fame, or prestige. In general, extrinsic goals are easily measured. The number of “likes” received on a social media post is an extrinsic goal. Making a million dollars is an extrinsic goal. Unfortunately, achieving an extrinsic goal provides little lasting satisfaction. There is always someone wealthier or more “liked.” There is always another “upward” possibility.

Intrinsic goals, on the other hand, directly satisfy our need by providing rewards such as autonomy, competency, and authenticity. Working toward and achieving intrinsic goals is more likely to create a sense of well-being and satisfaction with life. So which type of goal do you want your children to pursue when they become adults, intrinsic or extrinsic goals?

Here’s why I ask this question. You, as their parent, may actually impact which type of goals they develop. A research team analyzed 53 studies that explored ways in which parents impact their children’s goals even as their children move into adulthood. They learned that children’s goals followed the types of goals their parents utilized when it came to extrinsic goals (but not intrinsic goals). Parents modeled types of goals by vocalizing their own goals or voicing expectations of their children. When they vocalized extrinsic goals, their children did the same. Extrinsic goals a parent might voice include “I am going to get a better paying job,” or “If you don’t get a B or better, you’re grounded,” or “John’s mom must be so proud that he scored so many times in that game.”

Ironically, intrinsic goals did not follow the same pattern. They were not learned by vocalizing or modeling intrinsic goals. Instead, intrinsic goals were associated with parents who created an environment that nurtured autonomy, competence, and social connection. This supportive environment contributed to a child that felt a sense of agency, support, capability, and love. This seemed to allow intrinsic goals to naturally emerge in areas in which the child had interests and abilities.

In other words, if you want your child to focus on intrinsic goals and so experience the sense of well-being associated with intrinsic goals, nurture a home environment that focuses on acceptance, love, healthy autonomy, and support. Let your words and your actions nurture a sense of acceptance and competence in your children.