Relationships tend to drift unless we become intentional. Today, they drift into the stream of a culture that threatens overwhelm with busyness and stressful events, robbing us of joy. Or they drift on negative feelings that, left unaddressed, eventually accumulate and drown our joy.

A simple “research-approved” question can turn that drift around, giving married couples an oar and a rudder to turn their marriage in a healthier direction. This simple question becomes even more important when we realize that married couples often have difficulty recognizing the subtle ups and downs of their partner’s mood. They easily recognize their partner’s strong emotions, positive or negative. But the subtle emotions, like sadness or loneliness, are often more difficult to see. Fortunately, there is a way to increase your ability to recognize these subtle emotions. Ask a simple question: “How are you feeling?”  In response, you will get firsthand information about your spouse’s current emotional state.

Of course, it may grow irritating to constantly ask, “How are you feeling?” So be a little creative. You can modify the question in a variety of ways. For example:

• “How was your day?”
• “You look tired. Everything OK?”
• “How’s it going?”
• “You seem stressed. Can I help?”
• “I know you’re worried about your dad. How are you doing with that?”

Sometimes you don’t even have to ask a question if you recognize a change in mood. Instead, you might say:

• “I’ll make dinner tonight. You take a break.”
• “I’m going to get the kids out of your hair for a bit. I’ll take them for ice cream. Do you want me to bring anything back for you?”
• “I’ll get the kids up in the morning so you can sleep in.”

On the other side of this equation, if there’s something you want to talk about, bring it up. If something is impacting your mood, bring it up for discussion. Don’t hide it. Don’t suppress it. Talk about it. Talk about your fears, concerns, and stresses as well as your joyous occasions. Doing so gives your spouse the opportunity to support you and share their love with you.