Conflict arises in every relationship, even in healthy marriages. It’s inevitable, but it’s not necessarily detrimental. In fact, conflict with our spouse allows us a window into their values, priorities, and desires. If we manage the conflict well, it teaches us how to love our spouse in the best way possible. So, the question is not: “How do we avoid conflict?” The question we need to ask is: “How do we best manage conflict when it arises?” Here are 4 steps you can use to step out of the conflict.

• Listen deeply and actively. On the surface, simply listen with your ears to the message of the words and their meaning. However, listen more deeply with your mouth by asking clarifying questions and voicing what you understand them to say. Listen even more deeply with your mind to discern the intent of what they are saying. And take one more step into deep listening by listening with your heart to recognize the emotions behind what they are saying. Listen deeply means listening for the meaning and clarifying that meaning, listening for the intent and emotions that drive the meaning.
• Understand first. Make it your goal to understand what they are saying rather than to be understood. This follows from listening deeply and actively. When you can verbally repeat their message, including their intent and emotion, in a way that they know you understand, then you will have reached the level of understanding needed. With this level of understanding, you can better respond with empathy as you voice your message to them. They will also show a greater readiness to listen to you as well.
• Focus on the issue, not the person. Avoid blaming, contemptuous remarks, and name-calling. Talk about the issue at hand without casting aspersions. Remember, you love your spouse. Treat them with love and respect. Besides, in most instances, both spouses play a role in the issues that arise in marriage. Rather than cast blame, objectively state the problematic issue, take responsibility for your part in the problem, and offer a solution in which both you and your spouse can participate.
• Choose your time wisely. When you choose to talk about a conflict can influence its resolution. For instance, many couples find it difficult to resolve a conflict in the heat of the moment. It may prove more effective to take a 20-minute break, practice some calming activities, then come back together to work toward resolving the conflict. In addition, approaching your spouse when they are invested in some activity or project may hinder the effectiveness of conflict resolution. Trying to resolve a conflict when one or both of you are tired will hinder your ability to resolve the conflict as well. So, choose your time wisely. Choose a time when you both have energy and can focus on the issue at hand, a time in which you have calmed your emotions and can approach one another with respect.

These 4 actions can help you manage conflict when it arises. They will help you communicate more effectively, step out of the conflict, and fall more deeply in love with one another.