They’re A Bad Influence on My Child
Have you ever found your children hanging out with peers you believe are “bad influences”? You might even fear those “bad influences” will get your children involved in negative behaviors. After all, most delinquent activities occur outside the home and away from adult supervision. It’s a legitimate concern. The question, however, is what can a parent do? What’s the best course of action?
A longitudinal study of middle school youth, published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, offers some guidance on that decision…and it may recommend a different course of action than the one you first thought. This study followed 292 boys and 270 girls between the ages of 9- and 14-years-old for a school year. Each participant filled out a survey at the beginning, middle, and end of the year. These surveys included self-reports of conduct and perceived maternal disapproval of friends. Researchers also utilized “peer nominations” to determine the participants’ status among their peers and their level of classroom disruptiveness. The information of interest centered on the youth’s behavior and maternal approval/disapproval of friends. Here’s what the results suggest.
When mothers prohibited their children from developing relationships with peers they perceived as problematic, it actually led to an increase in negative behaviors in their own children. In other words, a mother’s attempt to protect her children from negative behaviors by limiting their interaction with certain problematic peers backfired. When mothers disapproved of their children’s friends, they inadvertently increased their child’s behavior problems.
Why? Researchers suggest that a mother’s “friend disapproval” led to a decrease in their child’s peer status. As youth told their friends about their mother’s disapproval, or the mother directly expressed her disapproval, other peers began to avoid that child. Who wants to risk interacting with a child whose mother may disapprove or think poorly of you? In addition, friends may begin to spread rumors or ridicule the child of the friend-disapproving-mother, leaving the child with fewer opportunities to develop friendships. This, in turn, can lead to increased relationships with other children who exhibit behavior problems and, as a result, find themselves outside the typical peer group. Or it may simply lead to increased negative behaviors in response to internal isolation and anger. Either way, the attempt to protect from the consequences of negative behaviors by limiting the relationship has backfired.
What’s a parent to do when their children begin to develop relationships with those who might “lead them down the wrong path”? Although there is no guarantee, here are a few suggestions.
- Develop a strong relationship with your child. Spend time with your child. Developing a strong relationship with your child demands that you spend time with them. Remember, children spell love, “t.i.m.e.” By spending time with your child, you communicate love and develop a stronger relationship.
- Point out traits you admire in them and behaviors you appreciate. Every day, look for at least one trait or action you can admire or express gratitude for. Then do it. Verbally acknowledge that trait or action.
- Teach them to stand firm on their values as a witness to their friends rather than following their friends into behaviors that go against their values.
- Involve your children in constructive peer activities based on their interests. Become a student of your child to discover their interests and then seek out opportunities for them to become involved in those areas of interest. Find a group that shares the same interest.
- Become involved as a family in your local church or religious community. Meet and develop relationships with others in the congregation. Befriend people of all ages and encourage your children to do the same. Talk about how to live out the values of your community in everyday life.
- Invite your children’s friends to your house. Invite them to go on various family activities with you and your child. Do not bad mouth your children’s friends or lecture them. Instead, invite them along and develop a relationship with them.
- As situations arise (such as the friend treating others poorly or engaging in some other negative behavior), talk to your child individually about the situation. Don’t speak against their friend. Instead, explore what your child thinks about those behaviors and help your child to think through the long-term implications.
- Allow your child to say “no” at appropriate times, even if they say it to you. In this way, our children learn that saying “no” is a positive answer when given at the appropriate time. This may empower them to say “no” to friends when needed.
In the long run, we can’t protect our children from all the negative influences they will encounter in their lives. But we can help them learn the skills necessary to stand firm in their values even when those around them do not. We can teach them the importance of living as a witness to the values of a positive, responsible life. These actions will help your children learn to do just that.
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