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6 Ingredients to Satisfy Your Children’s Hunger for Security

Do you know what children hunger for most? Security—the kind that flows from relationship. More than anything, children want to know they are secure in their parents’ love and affection. They long to know the security of unconditional acceptance in their parents’ lives. If this hunger goes unsatisfied, children remain restless. They go on the prowl, constantly on the lookout for a relationship that provides acceptance, love, and affection. They will search through the cupboards of community, school, peer groups, and social clubs to find it; and most likely “find it in all the wrong places.” In their restless search, they will struggle with feelings of insignificance, find themselves taken advantage of, and still come up hungry for the security that only a family can provide. How can you satisfy this hunger for security that drives your children? Let me suggest 6 ingredients to satisfy your children’s hunger for security.
 
     1.      Listen. Don’t lecture. Don’t jump in to solve the problem. Listen. Listen with your ears to hear the words and their tone of voice to hear the emotion. Take time to not only understand what they say but what they mean as well. Listen with your eyes. Observe their facial expression and body so you can better understand the emotion behind the words. Finally, listen with your actions as you respond to the need expressed. If they express a need for assistance, assist them. If they express a need to be heard, hear them. If they express a need for acknowledgement, offer praise and congratulations.
 
    2.      Catch ’em in the act…of doing something good. When you do, give voice to your pride. Let them hear the words, “I’m proud of you.” Express your pride in private and in public. You can speak your words of pride or write them in a note. Either way, let them know that you are proud of the person they have become, the effort they put forth, the growth you observe, the positive behavior they engage in, and the good decisions they have made. Even Jesus received the praise of His Father. Take the time to acknowledge your children’s good behavior.
 
     3.      Offer consistent discipline. Consistency in discipline requires that we acknowledge positive behavior and correct inappropriate behavior. Remaining consistent means we care enough to bring out the very best in our children. We nurture and reveal their “natural bent,” their God-given strengths, abilities, and personality. As we remain consistent in teaching and shaping their godly character, they come to know us as steady. They also learn that their misbehavior does not overwhelm us. We, as parents, remain patient, loving, and strong in the face of their misbehavior, guiding them toward a lifestyle that will bring greater happiness and fulfillment. This knowledge helps them grow secure in our love and affection, even in the midst of misbehavior and loving discipline.    
 
     4.      Build routines into your family life. Routines build a level of predictability into family life that provides a sense of security and stability for our children. It allows our children to anticipate “what comes next” and to relax in the knowledge that certain things happen on a regular basis. They come to know that Mom and Dad may leave for work or the store, but they always return. They look forward to regular family mealtimes and the interactions that accompany those meals. They grow in the stability of a regular bedtime and the benefits of rest. As families practice morning routines, mealtime routines, bedtime routines, and various family traditions, children develop an identity and stability that promotes security.   
 
     5.      Pour on the affection. Let your children know you love and value them. Show your affection with a hug, a good night kiss, a high five, a squeeze of the shoulders. Pour on affectionate words of admiration and love by saying, “I love you” before bed or as you leave the house for work. Satisfy their need for affection by remaining true to your word and keeping your promises. Spice up the flavor of affection with unconditional acceptance…even when your children are moody, grumpy, or irritable.
 
     6.      Finally, give your children your time. Adding in the ingredients described above will demand your time. Give it freely. Children determine what is most valuable in your life by watching where you invest your time. Let them see you investing your time in your family and, specifically, in their lives.
 
6 ingredients that, when mixed together, will satisfy your child’s hunger for security—the meat and potatoes of security. Perhaps you can add in some dessert. Enjoy!

Enjoying Your Child–Priceless

Parenting is hard work. We have schedules to keep, dinners to prepare, messes to clean up, occupational demands, yards to keep, clothes to wash…. The work never ends. Sometimes we get so caught up in the day to day activities of life and in providing for our children, teaching our children, and disciplining our children that we forget to enjoy our children. So, I encourage you to enjoy your child. Spend an evening playing games with them. Go into the back yard and play. Sit on the porch and play cards. Some of my best memories of childhood involve playing board games with my family. Some of my happiest times as an adult also involve playing board games with my family. You don’t have to play board games. You can play imaginative games like “Teacher” (of course your child will probably be the teacher and you the student), Barbie’s, army, catch.
 
I remember playing Barbie’s with my daughter during her preschool years. Sometimes, we had differences of opinion regarding the direction of the play. I wanted to make Ken to fly, have Barbie ride horseback on a giant bug, or join forces to fight the bad guys and save the world; my daughter wanted to dress Ken and Barbie up, go to a party, and sit by the pool, drink tea, and talk. I still cherish the memory of those times of play in spite of our different ideas. I learned so much about my daughter while playing Barbie’s with her. As she made up various scenarios, I learned about her interests and her friends. I learned what aroused fear in her as we acted out various scenes. Under her direction and supervision, we enacted meeting new people, resolving arguments, getting along during disagreements, and sharing important life events… unintentionally practicing a variety of life skills through imaginative interactions.
 
I also watched my daughter grow more capable in managing her emotions. She would get somewhat frustrated with me at times–I guess I am a frustrating guy at times. After all, I didn’t “talk like Barbie,” my voice was too low. She insisted that I speak in falsetto. In spite of my efforts, I would slip up and she would have to make adjustments–“Oh, you have a cold today, don’t you?” or “Daddy, that’s the wrong voice.” I would quickly slip back into my falsetto. Each time though, she became more efficient at handling her emotions when things did not go as she planned. When she let me play Ken, I would “tease her,” suggesting that Ken could fly. She would calmly insist that Ken could not fly and restate the order of the “proper scene” for me. On occasion, she would even compromise. “OK Daddy, today he can fly. Just this time though.” The skills gained in compromise and negotiation…all from playing Barbie.
 
Perhaps most important, playing Barbie allowed me to spend time with my daughter and develop a more intimate relationship. I don’t even know if she remembers playing Barbie with me. But, I know that those imaginative moments allowed us to laugh together, celebrate imagined and real victories together, and share sorrow over imagined and real loses together. Over all, imaginative moments with Barbie allowed my daughter and me to build a deeper and more secure bond in our relationship. If you don’t get hand-me downs, here is a price list to gain the equipment necessary to play Barbie with your daughter: Barbie doll-$12; clothes for Barbie-$10, time with my daughter building our relationship-priceless!

Family: Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

Recently I have read and heard several discussions about prioritizing love for spouse or love for children. Should we prioritize spouse or children? Is family focused around marriage or parenting? Do we create a “kid-centered family” or a “marriage-centered family?” Those siding with the parenting-focused, “kid-centered family” emphasize that we only have our children at home for a short time and they need to know how much we love them. Knowing we love them will make them more secure and confident, not only as children but as adults. Those focusing on a “marriage-centered family” stood on the principle that a strong marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children. A strong marriage creates a sense of security and stability for the children. Family is built upon a strong marital relationship.
 
Ultimately, both sides make good points. However, I believe the whole debate focuses on the wrong questions. We live in a world of specialization. Doctors specialize, engineers specialize, dentists specialize, ministers specialize, and teachers specialize. Our children go to college to specialize in their career. That works out great in society. I don’t want my dentist prescribing my glasses or a psychologist teaching my children accounting. This idea of specialization has crept into the family. However, specialization does not work well in the family. The family is greater than the mere sum of its parts. God did not create us to specialize within the family, to focus on various parts of family. He created the family to reflect His character. When you think of God, what “parts of family” comes to mind? What specialized role does He play? He is the Father (Romans 8:15, 1 John 3:1-2) who adopts us, makes us His children, and disciplines us to help us grow. But, He comforts us like a mother comforting her child (Isaiah 66:12-13). In Jesus Christ, God becomes our Husband or Bridegroom (Ephesians 5:25-33) yet we are also “fellow heirs” with Him as our Sibling, a “fellow child” of God (Romans 8:16-17). Within the Trinity, God is Spouse, Parent, Child, and Sibling. He does not specialize in a single role within the family–He focuses on the whole family. In every role He fills, He encourages and lifts up other members of the “family.” As the Father, He glorifies the Son…as a Child, He glorifies the Father…as a Spouse, He sacrifices His very life for His Bride…as a Sibling, He raises us up to fellow heirs with Him.
 
If we want to carry out the image of God within our families, we will strive to become the same type of “renaissance-family-member” He portrays. Like God, men will become good fathers, husbands, sons, and brothers. Women will become comforting mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters. We will no longer ask whether the role of spouse or parent takes highest priority. Instead, we will ask, “How we can become a family in which each member honors, encourages, and comforts the other members?” As we answer that question, we will discover that we become better parents as our marital relationship grows stronger and our marriages become stronger as we parent together. Women will become more confident in themselves and their parenting as their husband becomes more supportive and involved. Husbands will become more involved with children in relation to the support of a loving wife. Spouses will compliment one another and bring out the best in one another when parenting from within a loving relationship. Our marital relationship will grow as we parent together. Many experts focus on the drift and strain that can occur in a marriage as children are born. However, marriages can become stronger as spouses negotiate and work together for the common goal of raising healthy, mature children. Partners grow more appreciative of one another as they observe the sacrifices made in order to help in the parenting process. Women, in particular, grow more attracted to their husband when he remains actively involved with her children. Men become more admiring of their wife as she manages the multiple tasks involved in parenting.
 
Marriage grows stronger through parenting. Parenting becomes more effective as we parent within the bounds of a growing marriage. Parenting and marriage are not specializations we assume during different times of our life, but merely parts of a whole that we call family. And, family is greater than the sum of parenting and marriage. Both remain important, but neither rises above the priority of family. Let’s take the family back from the culture of specialization and focus on the family as a whole, not a collection of parts.  
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