Many couples struggle to parent their children together. They have different ideas about how to discipline, what constitutes acceptable behavior and how to approach behavioral problems. They may even have different ideas about the goal of discipline. If couples do not deal with this difference directly, they will encounter marital stress while trying to nurture a healthy home in which to raise their children. That stress can escalate into arguments, anger, and insecurity. It may even lead to divorce. There is a better way though, a way that can lead to greater intimacy and joy in your marriage and family: Sync Up.

A study published in PLOS Biology used EEG recordings to observe the neural responses of “pairs” of people as they categorized shapes and patterns. One group of pairs decided ahead of time how they would categorize the shapes and patterns, whether by wavy or straight lines, thick lines or thin lines, general shape, etc. In other words, they discussed ahead of time how to categorize the objects and reached an agreement on how they would do so.

When shown the shapes, everyone had a similar neural response for the first 45-180 milliseconds. However, after 200 milliseconds, only the couples who had agreed upon the rules of categorization showed continued similarities in their neural activity. In other words, those couples who collaborated on tasks by agreeing to the rules ahead of time developed greater synchrony with one another. They became more attuned to one another, even on a neural level. Their brains processed the information in a similar manner. Even more, their “alignment increased over the course of the experiment as the pair got better at working as a team.”

Think about how this information applies to raising children with your spouse. When you sit down ahead of time and agree on some general rules of discipline, you get “in sync.” You will become more aligned in your discipline as well as your neural activity and in how you view the situation.

You can begin this process by sitting down with your spouse to discuss your parenting goals.

• What are your disciplinary goals?
• What do we want our children to learn?
• What character do we want them to develop?
• What behaviors can we agree are acceptable? Unacceptable?
• What type of consequences do we agree to use? What types of consequences do we agree not to use?

Having this discussion will help you and your partner “sync up” and get on the same “parenting page.” You will both begin to look for the same information and begin to process that information more similarly. You will respond more congruently and as a team. The more you do it, the better you will become.

Your children will receive a similar message from each of you…and children thrive under consistency. They will be less likely to “play one against the other” because you both “got on the same page” ahead of time. As a result, your children will respond better to discipline and grow more mature.

As a bonus, you and your spouse will be “synced up,” aligned and attuned. During your discussion about discipline, you will learn about one another. As time goes on, you will more likely experience parenting success together. This all adds up to growing intimacy and love.

One caveat…this is an ongoing process. Situations, behaviors, and incidents will arise that you hadn’t thought about or known to prepare for. When they do, sit down with your spouse and discuss your expectations and values around the situation or behavior. Then agree upon a course of action. Each time you do, you grow more attuned. You get more in-sync. You experience greater intimacy.