Resentments arise so easily in life. We may fall prey to resentment because we believe our parents favor our siblings, a neighbor’s barking dog annoys us all night, or our partner contributes little to maintaining our home. Whatever the cause, these everyday resentments pile up and affect our well-being, our happiness, and our joy. If we don’t weed it out, resentment will take root in our lives and threaten our happiness and our joy. It will give rise to angry ruminations. It will linger, growing and sending roots deeper into our psyche and our hearts. Over a short period of time, the root of resentment will give birth to shoots of anxiety and depression. Anger and bitterness will form into buds and branch off to impact our emotional lives, our physical lives, and our relational lives. We will begin to view others through the lens of resentment and see them as a “pain in the neck.” Unforgiveness will become the norm and grow into revenge as we hold onto our resentments. Compassion and empathy will falter and our hearts harden. At some point, if we’re lucky, we will realize that we have become isolated, bitter, angry, and unhappy…so we can change.

Gratitude can help us recognize the dangers of resentment before it gets this far. In fact, gratitude offers the best way to weed out resentments. We cannot experience gratitude and resentment toward someone at the same time. Gratitude is the opposite of resentment, resentment’s archenemy, so to speak. They are opposites that bring us face to face with a choice. We can move toward resentment, or we can move toward gratitude.

Moving toward gratitude will weed resentment out of our lives. When we struggle to offer gratitude toward a person like our spouse or a parent (or even God), it might reveal that resentment has quietly slipped into our relationship. It’s a signal that we need to take step back and identify our resentment. Label it as resentment. Acknowledge our hurt. The simple act of acknowledging our resentment frees us to begin moving away from resentment and toward gratitude. If your resentment is toward God, don’t shy away from acknowledging it. Bring it to Him like the Psalmist and ask, “Why do you hide your face and forget our affliction and our oppression?” (Ps. 44:24) “Will you forget me forever?” (Ps. 13:1) “Have you forgotten to be gracious or in anger withdrawn compassion? It is my grief that the right hand of the Most High has changed.” (Ps. 77:9-10)

We can further weed out resentment by taking an inventory of moments for which we can express gratitude for our spouse, family member, or friend (or God)—moments of connection or kindness that we have experienced with them. Amplify your gratitude for those small moments—the smile, the kind gesture, the friendly greeting. Recognizing these small moments of gratitude helps us remember the good in the other person, moving us away from the ruminations that keep us stuck in the “bad” memories and thoughts. As we open up to gratitude, we also open up to the simple gifts the other person offers, even if it is the gift of an opportunity to learn greater patience and love. For those small gifts, we can become grateful.

Once we have recognized those small gifts, we can amplify our gratitude even more by engaging in warm greetings toward them, greetings with a heart that remains aware of the simple yet positive gifts we have received from the other person.

As we practice this, we will move from resentment to gratitude. We will move from inactive rumination to new possibilities of relationship, from negative feelings and passions like jealousy and revenge to positive feelings of joy, vitality, and love. This newfound gratitude will move us toward more life-giving thoughts and interactions. Our relationships, including those with our family, will grow more intimate and secure as we weed out our resentments with the practice of gratitude.