If you’ve married for any length of time, you have probably discovered that some statements hurt your marital relationships while others strengthen your marital relationship. Some are subtle, even somewhat surprising. Some are quite obvious. But learning the difference between statements that hurt your marriage and statements that damage your marriage will make the difference between a joyful home and a miserable existence. So, if you want a great marriage, don’t say that…say this.  With that in mind, let’s first consider 4 types of statements that can damage your marriage.

• Statements that humiliate or demean your spouse. Sometimes such statements are obvious, like name-calling. Others are less obvious because they are less direct. For instance, statements like “Second helping, again?” or “You never know what you’re doing” make implications that demean your spouse as well. Telling others to “not pay attention to” your spouse humiliates them in front of others. These statements hurt your spouse and contribute to them feeling unloved and unvalued. They damage your relationship.
• Statements made with a sarcastic or mocking tone and intended to insult your spouse. For instance, “Great job with the dishes” or “You’re proud of that?” said in a sarcastic tone imply inadequacy or lack of ability, demeaning your spouse. Mocking your spouse shows contempt. Even a simple eye roll made in response to something they say can communicate contempt. Contempt can destroy your marriage.
• Statements that intentionally twist reality and lead others to assume your spouse lacks knowledge or sanity. You know what I mean. “It didn’t happen that way.” “You just don’t understand.” Perhaps one of the most hurtful of these statements is after one spouse says something hurtful. The hurt spouse voices their hurt only to hear, “It was just a joke. Can’t you even take a joke?” In this simple statement, your spouse’s feelings are dismissed, their hurt is invalidated…and the relationship is damaged.
• Constantly “one-upping” your spouse. Perhaps you have seen this. One person tells of an adventure only to have their spouse tell of a “bigger” adventure. Or every time a person begins a story, their spouse jumps in to complete the story. One person tells of a struggle and their spouse explains how this struggle is “so much greater” for them. When we constantly “one-up” our spouse, we lead them to feel unimportant, less valuable than ourselves. We communicate that we believe ourselves more important than them. This can kill a marriage.

Don’t say that…. These statements damage your marriage. Instead, make statements that will strengthen your marital relationship, say this instead.

• Statements that acknowledge your spouse’s strengths and abilities. Make it a daily habit to look for things about your spouse that you appreciate. Acknowledge their contribution to the home or something about the way they love your children. Consider the abilities they use in contributing to you, your marriage, your family, and your home. Don’t just notice these things. Acknowledge them verbally. Thank your spouse. Praise your spouse. Tell them how much you love who they are.
• Statements made in a loving tone to compliment and encourage your spouse. Sometimes life is hard, and a simple word of encouragement can help us along the way. Encouraging and complimenting your spouse communicates how much you value them and their presence in your life. It informs them that you see them, their accomplishments and their needs. It tells them how deeply you love them.
• Statements that acknowledge reality and truth. It may seem obvious, but lovingly stating truth strengthens marriages. Sometimes we need to acknowledge the truth that our spouse is better at some things than we are. Our spouse knows more than we know in some areas. Our spouse does some things better than we do. At times, our spouse finds some things more important than we do. Another important truth to share with your spouse is the truth of apology. If you hurt your spouse, acknowledge your mistake. Apologize and “bear the fruit” of your remorse.  Sometimes the truth is difficult to state. But acknowledging these truths and responding in love will strengthen your marriage.
• Constantly lift your spouse up. Don’t treat your spouse like a lump of coal—talking about their negative qualities, using them to meet your current need and then casting them aside until another need pops up. Instead, treat your spouse like a diamond. Put them on a pedestal with the proper focus so you can tell everyone about their beauty, the qualities you love about them, and the joy they bring into your life.

If you want a great marriage, watch your words. Don’t say that…say this.