If you’re a parent, you’ve likely experienced your child “having a tantrum.”  You know what I mean. When in one of these behaviors or in some combination of them, they melt down, stiffen their body, drop to the floor, scream, cry, push, pull, stamp their feet, hit, kick, throw, or run away. Many of us, however, were never told that tantrum behavior is not a breakdown in behavior. It’s not manipulative or attention-seeking. Tantrum behavior is communication. It communicates that your child is feeling overwhelmed by anger, distress, disappointment, frustration, or all of these emotions and more combined.

Although it may feel like a lifetime, most tantrums generally only last 3 minutes. In fact, tantrum behavior often begins with expressions of anger, like screaming, kicking, hitting, and arching their back. In a relatively short time, these actions begin to decrease, and you witness your child moving toward distress. At that point connection and comfort can help ease the tantrum behavior. (You can read more about tantrums in particular in Six Ways to Respond to Your Child’s Tantrum).

One of the best things you can do to help alleviate tantrum behavior (and even other negative behaviors) involves the “Validation Ladder.” As your child calms down and the tantrum behavior stops, you can debrief with the “validation ladder” and problem solve for future situations.

• First, be present. Make sure you are managing your emotions. Stay calm. Put down your phone. Turn off the TV. Give your child your full attention.
• Accurately reflect their emotions. If they appear angry, let them know you recognize that. “I can tell you’re very upset right now” or “This has really made you angry (or sad or frustrated).”
• Verbalize the context that contributed to their current emotion. “You really wanted that coloring book, didn’t you? I can understand how that might make you angry.” “Transitioning to bed can be hard when you want to stay up and play.”
• Consider a possible deeper context. For instance, maybe they’re upset about going to bed because they want to stay up and play with their visiting uncle or you. Maybe they are overwhelmed because the coloring book meant they could color with their friend. Consider the context of the emotion and verbalize that context as you verbalize their emotion.
• Authentically express empathy. Recognize that this emotional experience is overwhelming for your child. They don’t want to have a tantrum. They are likely feeling out of control and now somewhat frightened as well as angry and distressed about the situation. Consider how you want empathy when you feel overwhelmed, upset, or scared. Then let your voice carry a tone of empathy and compassion for their experience.
• Do something different. Take time to think about the future. What might you do in the future to respond to your child’s overwhelming emotion, maybe even before they actually occur? How might your child better communicate their frustrations? You might even role play ways they can respond in similar situations in the future.

This process requires an investment of time after the tantrum has ended. However, it will help you and your child limit future incidents of tantrum behavior, teach your child how to better communicate their emotions, and build your relationship with your child. That’s an investment well worth the time.