We’ve all experienced hurt at the hands of our families. Sometimes our spouse, child, parent, or sibling hurt us accidentally. They truly did not understand how their actions or words might hurt us. Other times, they may have hurt us through impulsive words or actions expressed in a moment of anger. Sometimes, their anger may not have been anger at us, but we still received the brunt of it. Whatever the source, we will all experience hurt at the hands of our families. On the other hand, we have likely caused hurt to our family members from time to time as well. Hopefully, this happens more often as an accident rather than intentionally. But we have probably all hurt a family member without even realizing the hurt we caused. I mention this because it highlights an essential ingredient for healthy families: forgiveness. Healthy families practice forgiveness as an expression of love for one another.

Unfortunately, forgiveness has gotten a bad rap in our society. We would rather get revenge than offer forgiveness. We would rather see the other person grovel and suffer for the hurt they have caused us. We see it in our movies and enact it in various video games. But revenge does not build healthy relationships. Revenge leads to more pain and suffering while contributing to an addictive desire that will bleed into all areas of our lives, hindering relationships and creating a growing disconnection (If you’re interested in learning more about how revenge becomes addictive & the harm it causes our lives, read The Science of Revenge). Forgiveness opens the possibility of restoring relationships, even enhancing peace between us and within us.

What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is an act of gracious love. It involves our emotions and our decisions. It softens our hearts toward the one who hurt us. Forgiveness not only decreases our negative feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, but increases our positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the other person. We no longer disrespect or wish harm on the one we forgive. We do not seek revenge or a “tit for tat.” Forgiveness recognizes the worth of the person who offended, even though they caused harm.

At the same time, forgiveness does not excuse injustices. In fact, it seeks justice. It addresses the wrong done by establishing appropriate boundaries and limits. Ironically, this promotes the possibility of change in the one who offended us and enhances the possibility of reconciliation.

As you can see, forgiveness is an altruistic act of love. It frees the one offering forgiveness from the “root of bitterness” and the addiction of revenge. It opens the door to reconciliation and deeper intimacy when the forgiven person responds to the love of forgiveness with apology and change. The family that practices the grace of forgiveness grows stronger, healthier, and more intimate. They experience a deeper gratitude that motivates them to work harder at not offending one another and apologizing more quickly if they do. Who do you need to forgive today?