Have you ever had a nagging sense of envy when people seem to applaud your spouse more than you? Or maybe you’ve felt just a tinge of envy when your spouse becomes the center of attention as people celebrate their accomplishment? Maybe your children go to your spouse before they come to you with requests for stories? Suddenly, you seem secondary to your spouse in everyone else’s eyes. You struggle to celebrate with them, but truth be told, a little seed of envy has begun to take root in the back of your mind. You desire to be the recipient of that celebration and praise, that recognition for achievement. You want to be your children’s “favorite” parent.

It’s easy to fall prey to the trap of envy. A small seed of envy lands in the soil of our insecurity and begins to extend its roots into our thoughts, pushing through our minds to sprout into a prickly weed that sours and agitates our relationship in minor ways before growing into indignant, acidic interactions with our spouse. If we don’t address the seed of envy, it will grow to destroy our marriages. After all, love does not envy. Love celebrates with the one loved; it rejoices with the truth. So, what can a person do if they notice the seed of envy extending its roots into their thoughts?

• Take note of thoughts that perpetuate your envy. These thoughts are often irrational thoughts that do not reflect your spouse or your love for your spouse. They likely reflect your own insecurities and fears of inadequacy or lack. Once you identify the thoughts that perpetuate your envy, find a trusted friend and reframe those thoughts in a healthier, more accurate manner.
• Recognize that we live in a world of abundance, not a world of poverty. One thought that may perpetuate envy is the fear that our world does not provide enough recognition for everyone, that your spouse receiving recognition will somehow rob you of receiving recognition at another time. In fact, we live in a world of abundance, not a world of poverty. Begin to look at the world through eyes of abundance. You can do this by practicing gratitude and awe. As you do, your perspective of provision will change.
• Stop comparing. Comparing always leaves one person lacking. In reality, you and your spouse (and every other person for that matter) possess different strengths and so make different contributions to your marriage and your world. Each of you can experience recognition for your unique contribution.
• Engage in self-reflection to determine your contribution. You’ve already reflected on your contribution to your envy—the contribution of irrational thoughts and thoughts of lack. Also take time to reflect upon your contribution to your spouse’s success. How have you quietly supported them in their endeavor? Perhaps you did a little extra work around the house so they could have a little more time to pursue their goal. You likely supported them through encouragement and material gifts related to their project. In other words, you and your spouse are a team. The celebration of your spouse’s success is an indirect celebration of your love for your spouse as well. Celebrate that love.
• Once again, practice gratitude. Gratitude opens our eyes to the abundance in our lives and our world. It contributes to our sense of contentment. It weeds out the seeds of bitterness and envy, replacing them with thanksgiving and joy. Intentionally, thoughtfully practice gratitude.
• Celebrate with your spouse. As you celebrate with your spouse, you may find your thoughts and feelings change. In fact, actions impact our thoughts and feelings. So, put on a smile. Practice gratitude in relation to your spouse and their work. Offer thanks for the opportunity to show your spouse the depth of your love by supporting them and celebrating their achievements. Celebrate.

These six actions can help weed out the envy in your mind—roots, seeds, and all. As you do, you’ll discover seeds of gratitude, joy, celebration, and love growing in its place.